Gavin's brow furrows.

"I was tired, too, I think...?"

He remembers how hard it had hit him when the anger faded, how he'd felt exhaustion settle in his bones. He'd attributed it to overexertion; they'd been running a lot of tests in the labs.

"Passed out for a solid eight hours, which is a lot for me."

All at once, anyway.

"I kind of wish I wasn't such a coward with... needles and stuff." Part of the reason he avoided the doctor so hard was to avoid that antiseptic smell, the risk of getting stabbed.

"I bet you would learn a lot but just... cutting me open. I wonder if the crystals have gotten worse."

A pause.

"You have trouble sleeping, too?"

Gavin doesn't react in time to mask his surprise at the admission, though there's a shred of guilt as his expression neutralizes. His first thought had been instinctive, how could Chu-e be afraid of needles after everything he'd been through?

Then, the sense: how could he not?

"Can you ever feel them, when you move?"

He thinks of what it's like to pull a muscle, how twisting certain ways causes sharp stabs of pain. Could Chu-e feel the crystals cutting against his insides, or did they blend seamlessly with sinew and skin?

A grimace answers the question before words are found.

"Yeah, all the time. More so lately, ever since..." He glances away, swallows. He hadn't told Chu-e, yet. "I split up with Emma. But I didn't exactly sleep well before then, either. elijah gardner has some great stuff to help, when it's real bad."

A shake of the head.

"No, not at all. If no one had told me, I don't think I would be aware at all." Which was kind of scary in it's own way, wasn't it?

The smile is sympathetic, from someone who understands.

"I'm sorry to hear that." But that kind of comfort, romantic, was never something he had been good at.

"You know Prince is one of my therapy pokemon, right?" The Gardevoir's primary goal to be a live-in nurse. "I have two more. An Igglybuff and an Incineroar. The Igglybuff helps me with night terrors. But, when that doesn't help I get some... extra help, too." Which would explain the random 3am memes Chu-e would send.

"Yikes."

It's all he can think to say.

He returns his gaze when Chu-e expresses sympathy; it's appreciated, even if the subject makes him uncomfortable. His lip quirks in silent thanks.

"Yeah," says Gavin of Prince. How could he forget? His expression pinches slightly at the mention of night terrors, empathetic in the way only someone who'd gone through the same could be.

Extra help. He'd needed a lot of that, lately.

He'd started smoking cigarettes again, too.

"I got a Sylveon to help with, uh. Stress, mostly." It's hard to admit that he needs help, that he has faults. Rocket has taught him to guard his flaws jealously, but it's easier to be honest with Chu-e. An exchange of truths. "It's been nice."

A small shift in his seat. Chu-e pulls his legs under him, to sit like he was comfortable, since the facade of ice had been smashed to pieces.

"Hey, Gav?"

He chewed his lip, for a moment.

"I'm sorry I charged in here like I was fighting fires. With what happened, I wasn't sure... " Where he had thought Cillian Quinn had attacked him in the lab.

"I just don't want it to be like Kanto Rocket. Not just for anyone else but... I don't think either of us could handle the mental toil of that."

It's nice, to see Chu-e relax. A relief.

"I understand," he assures him. "I'm sorry I got so defensive. A return to Kanto is the last thing I'd want. Beckett knows, too."

Their Rocket was too soft, but Kanto Rocket had been another extreme.

"I make a lot of mistakes, Chu-e, and I never want to be above being called on them. The shit with Ozaki's really fucked with me." He scrubs at his face with a hand. "How many more of them are just waiting for the right time to sell us all to the League?"

"All of them would. If pushed hard enough, either of us would do the same." They're both made of stronger stuff than some of Rocket. Yet, even if Gavin would die for Rocket, Chu-e can envision many scenarios he might be so disenfranchised to turncoat. It's happened before.

"What we need to do is find a compromise. There are people who would sooner turn on us than help us. They need a little fear because no loyalty will keep them with us. But others? They just need a nudge. There isn't anything wrong with having a gentler hand."

He hopes he's making sense. This is hard to put into words.

"One kind of grip won't help. It might work for most, but for some like Ozaki it won't work on. But, that same grip could crush someone like Eris."

In the throes of his own paranoia, those aren't the words Gavin wants to hear.

Yet he shakes his head when Chu-e implies that Gavin might do the same. There's stalwart dedication and loyalty but also the wideness of fear in his eyes. The shackles of conditioning have slackened since Blackwell's death, but they've not been removed.

"No, never. I'd never."

And he means it, for more reasons than one.

"Not just for myself. That's — a lot of it," he admits, uncomfortably, "but I couldn't abandon them, Chu-e. Not if there's still people relying on me to keep them safe."

This was his home, his family.

"But you're right, about needing a different approach. It's just — difficult when they're all so different. How are we meant to know which ones will bend and which ones we'll need to break?"

He looks away for a moment, worrying at the inside of his lip, then back.

"I wouldn't have survived without Beckett. I used to fucking hate him, but he saved my life. Did you know I tried to kill him?" Laughter is raw as he reminisces. "Should've killed me... but he didn't."

He doesn't share the details.

"I needed that, to survive. But I know it's not always needed. I'd never hurt Eris. She deserves better than what Rocket's done to her."

"That was the problem with Kanto. I did defect, Gav. Because I never felt like a family or I needed to work to protect anyone... now? I would never. These idiots... they're my idiots, you know? A small smile at the thought of the various other Rockets he had met, even if only in passing.

"But then, I just felt like a fancy tool. Anyone who feels like they're not important eventually will..." He makes a vague hand motion.

"At the end of the day we can only do our best with what we know. If we fuck up, we fuck up. We don't need to worry about getting beaten for mistakes anymore."

And wasn't that a relief?

"I missed Beckett." Was admitted, between then. "When I joined Rocket, he was... practically my dad. I resent him, sometimes. But I would have died without him, too. I was so angry back then, you know? I mean...." A meaningful look at Gavin's shoulder. "You met me back then. You know."

"Mine, too. We're the family nobody asked for."

He laughs, and there's a genuine warmth in it for a moment. Paranoia will return later, when he indulges in the recesses of his thoughts, but for now it is chased away by the thought of those Rockets who did trust him.

'We don't need to worry about getting beaten for mistakes anymore.'

"Walsh seemed baffled that I was so afraid. How couldn't I be, after everything we've been through?" He shakes his head. "After what he said about avatars, and how they've pushed me in the labs."

He lets them get away with it because it's what he's been taught.

"But he did say that the old way is ineffective. That he won't have me killed for lying to him, as long as it doesn't affect Rocket. I — told him about my name, my real one, before Rocket. That Lulu's my sister."

His thoughts around the Rocket boss were muddled, confused. Loyalty mingled with fear.

With Beckett, too, his mind scrambles — for an entirely different reason.

"I know," he confirms, of Choi's past. "I missed him, too. Wasn't my choice to go to Hoenn, nor his. Silas." He scowls. "Some petty revenge, I'd bet. Not like I dared to ask. But I never even got to say goodbye."

To THEO BECKETT, or any of the others.

Chu-e listens to Cillian Quinn talk and he feels a warmth spread in his chest. There was no way that he could stay mad at the other man; maybe bare his teeth a bit, it was normal for people sometimes to do that, but never stay mad. Because, as Gavin speaks, Chu-e realizes that Gavin has something that Leon Vercetti wants.

A little 'ah, i love him' passing through his thoughts, a realization that more settles in his bones like it was meant to be than an earth shattering blow.

It's not the same kind of love. Leon wants the carnal desire of passion, of shared kisses, an intimacy of mind and body. With Gavin, the feeling is gentler. Like when Chu-e and his brother had gotten to visit the ocean, a rare family holiday, and they sat in silence watching the sun set, spitting watermelon seeds into the water. No less intimate just in a different way. It's own feeling of peace.

It does take him a bit away from the conversation at hand but Chu-e can't help it.

"Did you know I was delayed coming to Hoenn?" It hadn't been his choice, either, but that much should be implied. "All Beasts were under order to come. During that final push to take Kanto, I took a fucking nasty hit. Broke both my arms and a leg, fractured some ribs. Missed the original takeover of Slateport... when I was finally well enough to travel, I had that shit thrown in my face constantly."

"Beckett was probably the only reason I stayed.... well, 'sane' isn't the right word, but that I didn't try anything a lot sooner. Even after I was promoted, I had this feeling like if I fucked up they would still take it out of his hide."

A small sigh.

"It's weird to think you were assigned to him, too. Wonder how many times we almost met and don't even know it."

Though he may not share the same settling revelation at that moment, Gavin's affection for the other is told through his honesty, through the ease in which he admits things he would keep from most others. There is a vulnerability in opening up, but there is also a certain kind of love. A trust that the other would not betray these things told in confidence.

He shakes his head at the question, listens.

Frowns, at the thought of Rocket's ridicule of Choi and at the vivid mental imagery of Beckett's suffering.

"I fucked up, once, and he didn't lay a hand on me. We reported to Silas, and I had to watch him suffer what should've been my punishment. Think I started looking at him different, then."

How human he'd seemed, how vulnerable. They were all suffering in their own ways.

"Arceus, Chu-e, but I think I might've been in love with him."

It's an admission he doesn't expect to make, and it seems to show in the surprised furrow of his brow. He doesn't take it back. It sits, quiet and uncomfortable, in the hollow of his chest. He thinks of Theo, and of Emma, and his heart aches.

"Not something you probably ever wanted to know," he acknowledges with a sharp laugh. It's more awkward than humorous as he processes the revelation for himself. "Fuck. My head's so fucked, Chu-e. Like, how do I even—?"

He shakes his head, scrubs a hand down his face. Fuck.