Ash
He/Him/Them
26
December 2
Aspertia City, Unova
Pansexual
Picking up the pieces
--
But I, I will, go on howling and hollow
TAG WITH @ashley
Ashley Shepard
War. War Never Changes [M]
POSTED ON Oct 25, 2022 19:09:14 GMT
[attr="class","sawyer"] 
tag notes | Ah. No sleep for him either. With a sheepish smile, Ash returns it in tandem to him and the Dragonair. When Isaac started talking though, Ashley didn't interrupt. Not even once. Not a single time. He listens to every last word. Last time, he was alone. He had jayden cross then, but whether or not he was emotionally available or not was the problem. No, he had to take it all on his own to protect Jayden.
Neither were.
The idea of letting it all out was appealing, but Ashley had to weigh each option equally. On the one hand, he lets it all out of his system, and Isaac knows how crazy he can be. On the other, he lets it out, and can sleep well tonight. Maybe more than sleep. He closes his silvers. He ponders the correct path.
They open. "Deal. We can do it down here... much as I've always wanted to ride a Dragonair, I've had my fair share of riding." Ash smiles, thinking of Shalin Nariya . He wonders if she's doing well, before closing his eyes once more. Inhale.
Exhale.
"Alright-" He starts off, taking a moment to look toward Fortree. His smile fades away, like a dream that he once had had finally come to an end. "-I came to Rocket when I was young, you know that. I wasn't a great Grunt. Frankly, I was right shit at it. My mentor made me kill my Raichu as punishment, my best friend of the time couldn't help me, and I stained my hands for a good cause. I left because the bloodshed was too much. Nightmares for years with waking up in cold sweats, and trying to work my way through it all. Therapy helped, or so I thought."
He takes a second to pull out a carton of cigarettes, considering taking a smoke, but deciding to put it back away. He winces. Now wasn't the time for that nicotine hit.
"I leave a deserter. For years, I try to do my own thing. Have all these dreams, aspirations. A stylist, a groomer, heck I'd have been a Ranger too. Always stepped away at the last minute. Can't tell you why. Didn't think I deserved anything good. Still don't. Don't know why." No, he knew why. Penance. He lies, but his face tells the story. Sorrow, regret, and punishment aren't easy lies to tell. "Wasted years of my life trying to find a way forward. Then Jayden tries to kill me, Theo comes back in my life, and... you know that story. Years of therapy, wasted."
He shakes his hand forward, dismissing any talks of it before it moved forward. Instead, as he pets Bullet, rubbing her beak, his smile returns a fraction of its strength.
"Ever since coming back, I feel good about myself. Slept okay lately. The worst part is that it makes sense to me now. All I know is blood, and all I'll ever know is blood. I got excited in the Truesdale Manor, our little ghost exposé got my blood boiling. My duel with Theo I felt alive. There's a fire in me that wasn't there before."
But it isn't done yet. Ash continues. "Then, using Rocket resources, found out where Mom was buried. Visited her grave, her pimp, and I learned my heritage. She gave me up after a mistaken pregnancy that never should have happened. Dad was one of her clientele, and I was supposed to never be born. Eleven months later, my half-sibling is born. No idea who or where they are now. Their birthday is next month, and I spent some money on a gift I'll never give them, because a meteor is supposedly coming for us all."
He drops that one. Crossing his arms, he sulks as he gazes right towards Isaac and Zeph. He gives that same sad smile. His tone shifts. Like an inch away from shattering.
"Now there's kepler brueshaber too. I'm so scared I'll mess it up. I'll hurt him. I've considered calling it off, telling him it was a one-time thing, but there's no way I ever could do that. His heart is so fragile, and feelings are hard to throw away once they are there." He's staring forward now with despair staining his gaze. His smile is fragile, like a mirror that can crack any moment. "I want him with me for the holidays. I don't want to be alone. He's everything I should want. We had a trick-or-treat date, and I felt so confident, so good about everything. About myself. Isaac, I used to hate myself. But I like him. I want him. I can't hurt him." He bites his lip to stave off the tears that were trying to form. "I'm a coward to my last whimper."
He closes his eyes, deciding now to lay on the grass, and stare at the sky. His head in the clouds. There's still more. More words that come flooding out.
"I asked them too." He gestures to each Pokemon. Reinhardt, who now lays beside Ash. Bongo, who sits down with a sulking chimp smile. Bullet and Bass who quietly nest on his chest. Pluto, floating about. Pulse, quietly playing something calming and relaxing. "Who was brave enough for a suicide mission? Bongo was first to agree. Bullet, Pluto, easy sells. Reinhardt won't let me sleep alone at night, let alone die. Bass? He loves me too much to care. Pulse? They're my phone now."
He's staring far above into the sky. "Of fear and love, I do not fear death, but that all I know and love will perish with me." He takes in a sharp inhale of oxygen.
"There you have it."
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