he/him
forty-eight
December 26
Slateport City
asexual
Enforcer
grunt
TAG WITH @grigorisokolov
Grigori Sokolov
[DDD] Hidden in the Heart
POSTED ON Oct 18, 2023 1:30:47 GMT
Grigori paces the spacious room with an incessant fervor, his robes swishing around his legs like he's wading through water. Each step of his heel echos in the back of the auditorium with precision. A metronome for the band that didn’t need one, but one that gives him the briefest of respites. People around the campus had pointed out his staccato footsteps as a signature trait. Not something he ever paid mind to until this moment.
“‘Greetings, fellow classmates! I’m sure you’ve seen me–’ no, no,” he mutters to the void. Terrible opener. Atrocious. Just because he was the oldest did not mean he had to lean into it. “How about, ‘Good afternoon, everyone! Wonderful weather we’re–’ Arceus, why didn’t I plan this out?!”
Granted, the decision to make him the class representative had come at the worst possible moment: as he scrambled to finish his thesis before the deadline. Caffeine and cold water splashes had been the only thing that got him through the writing portion of the project, and in his daze he completely forgot about the speech. Up until this week, where the deadline drew closer but the words didn’t materialize.
He was still impressed he managed to get most of it down on the e-document as is. But the introduction eluded him then, and it continues to evade his mind now. Five minutes before the big speech. There had been plenty of mistakes during his research, and that misspelling of ‘Scizzor’ still haunts him. But this?
Doomed from the start. No pun intended. Or something.
“Think, think!” he pounds one fist into the other. There has to be that hook! That one thing that bridges it all together into one neat, cohesive speech. What was the first paragraph again, his start that one day at the Poke Mart sign? Maybe bring up masonry?
And get laughed off the stage? Forget it. This wasn’t a fancy-schmancy university, but masonry was well off the map for most of these folk. Not that he blames them– that had been the worst investment of his life so far. Something he brings up in the second paragraph.
Maybe he should fake illness. That sounds better than whatever he’s cooked up so far. His attention diverts to sudden illnesses, much like the ones that infected the wild Scizor he studied. Let’s see, there was the iron-weakening bacteria, the virus that penetrated steel via acidic metabolism, that one prion disease that almost single-handedly killed his sample population-- “Grigori!”
He turns to the sound of the noise. His father, back as stiff as the wall. His gray hairs catches the light as he storms over to his son. “Grigori, you’re almost up! You need to look perfect for this speech, yes?”
Much like his mother used to, his father attempts to fix every minutia of his outfit. His tassel shifts seven micrometers to the left and dangles helplessly, his medals jingle in place. Grigori tries to pry him off, but his father keeps going. Grigori looks at his father's stressed expression with a hint of recognition. They surely share the same face at this moment.
Unfortunately, his father notices too. “What’s with that look, Grigori? Look, I know I can’t make you look as perfect as mom would’ve, but–”
“I-I can’t do it.”
“...What did you just say?” His father whispers quieter than night. Grigori’s blood runs cold.
“This is too much, they picked the wrong person,” he explains. “I can’t go out there and give a speech!”
“But you said you had it all written out,” he says. “All but–”
“The introduction,” Grigori fills in the blank. He pushes his father's worn hands away and tries to find the words. “I haven’t figured it out. I can’t figure it out. I won’t figure it out. I’ll be the laughingstock of the community! No one will hire me after I fuck it up.”
“Grigori, Grigori,” his father reaches out again, “it’ll be ok. Listen, you got this far, and it's just a speech! If you mess it up, no one will think worse of you. So what if you fumble the start? Just finish strong!”
“But it won’t finish strong," he insists harshly. "The start is the most important thing! If that gets fucked up, then who knows what else I’ll fuck up.
"I- have to go, father, Right now,” he tries to push past the man, but his Father does not relent. This push and pull goes on for a few more seconds, where a terrified student attempts to run through a solid brick wall.
Suddenly, his father forces him back. He barely manages to not stumble into the wall as they collide. Now, they’re centimeters apart, face to face. A look in his eyes paralyzes Grigori. This look has been dormant for years, unitl now. Seldom seen since his childhood. But this sparks something unique. Something awful.
It’d never been so intense before this.
“Grigori,” his father starts out, “Enough. What is this actually about? Tell me the truth. Now.”
Millions of sentences spring to mind, but none fit the requirement. Try as he might, Grigori can not think up an excuse or a statement that perfectly encapsulates his feelings. They either fall short, or are blatant lies, or both. But where his mind fails in reason, his heart prevails in subjectivity. It hurts to think, hurts to consider. But it is his reason, and it is his truth.
“I… I…”
“I?”
“I’m a fraud.”
His father remains silent, and gives no visible tells. But those eyes urge him forward. To keep going. “I’m not a class representative. I’m thousands in debt. I don’t come from anything noteworthy. I got here through dumb luck and knowing the right people. Hell, May’s mother gave me a month extension on my thesis! That’s never happened before! How can I go up on that stage, behind that podium, and try to connect with students that got further on less?”
“I don’t deserve this, Father. I just... don't.”
Silence smothers the pair.
And promptly shatters into thousands of pieces. The roar of applause cuts through the backstage like a Sharpedo through water. Panic fills Grigori again, and he struggles against the vice grip of flesh. The grip tightens harder, until it feels like he’s trying to break a bone. Yet he still pushes forward, desperate to escape fate.
A young lady comes back from around the curtain, clipboard in her hands. “Okay Mr. Sokolov, are you ready to…”
His father looks back enough to show one eye, and one eye is enough. “Give us three minutes.”
“B-but we’re on a tight–”
“I did not ask. I told.”
Confusion mixes with apprehension on her face, but she reluctantly retraces her steps back to the front. Grigori’s Father turns back to his son at a glacial pace. Why did he not say anything? Now is the time to disown him, shun him, bully him, anything for what he just said.
Instead, he lets out an ancient breath, raspy and tired. “I will not lie to you Grigori: that feeling never fades.”
His father looks directly at Grigori, but they both know he looks to somewhere else. In the past, or future, is impossible to say. But he tries to look at him anyway.
“It’s something I’ve struggled with all my life as well. Reluctance, the fear of failure, this feeling that I’m not the one. It haunted me when I first met your mother, it haunted me when you were born, it haunted me at rehab, and it sure as hell haunts me right now. I won’t tell you it gets easier, either. We are our own worse critics, and the only things that can kill that voice is alcohol and ego.”
“But it’s not true, Grigori,” he whispers out. Wetness escapes his eyes, but he pushes on, “When I first went to rehab, those first few days were some of the hardest in my life. I was a mess, I felt ashamed for what I had done. I didn’t feel like I deserved the help they offered. And those feelings only got worse as the week went on, until I couldn’t do it anymore. I lied, and said I was going to the restroom.”
“But our group leader caught me in the nick of time, just before my door left the frame. He’d seen it happen a million times before. Knew the signs. He pulls me back in and tells me to be honest with him, and I am. I tell him almost the exact same thing you just said. He sat silently for ten minutes, eyes fixated on the clock. Finally, I ask him what his deal was. What’s going on in that head of his.”
“And he tells me this, he says, ‘Who said that clock could keep on going?’”
Grigori eyes his father with an eyebrow raised. His father bobs his head, “Yea, I thought the same thing. I ask him what he means, it's the batteries or the outlet or whatever. And he immediately responds, ‘Maybe now, but it broke a few months ago. We could’ve tossed it really easily. And just our luck, it broke on Wednesday! That’s trash day, it would’ve been gone and no one would’ve noticed after a few days. But someone took it upon themselves to fix it. This five poke-dollar clock, just about worthless, and someone fixed it. And its still going strong to this day, even if it would’ve been easier to get a new one.’”
“Grigori,” his voice shakes, “We do not exist as ourselves. We exist in a world filled with so many people. Those who don’t know us, those who despise us, who think we’re nothing, who think we’re just wastes of space. But there are also people who care. Want us to succeed. Even if they think we’re no good and need to be thrown out, they keep fixing us. They help us out when even if we don’t think we deserve it. And I know this is gotten off the rails a bit, but what’s important is that you got a lot of people out there that probably don’t know about you that much. I’m sure there’s a couple that hate your guts for taking their spot. But there’s going to be at least ten people out there that know you got where you are through your own work, even if they had to change your wires. Because they did it specifically because you needed the help. And guess what? If you didn’t need the help, this wouldn’t even be a conversation. You’d be leagues above them. Not even a question.”
“Father…”
“I’m proud of you, Grigori, even if you don't think you’ve done anything to be proud of. That won’t change, even if you don’t change either.”
“Mr. Sokolov,” the girl speaks up from behind them both. She impatiently clicks her pen against the clipboard, “You need to get out there.”
Grigori expectantly looks towards his Father, who keeps his eyes firmly on him. “I can’t be there with you on the stage. But you can bet your ass I’m taking the stairs right there and going to the front row, even if people give me dirty looks for doing it. And I’ll be there with you. So will Mom.”
With that, he turns and shuffles towards the hidden flight of stairs. Grigori only watches him go for a moment, before the click of a pen brings him back to reality. He could not push it off any longer. Ready or not, here he comes.
—----------------------------------------
"Now, please give a warm welcome for your elected Class Representative, and, coincidently, the oldest of the class as well: Grigori Sokolov!"
Stage lights blind him as he starts his walk across the stage. As oppressive as the gaze of the crowd of… best not think about it. A lot of people watch him cross the stage awkwardly with a ‘stantler in the headlights’ expression. It doesn’t go away like the thunderous applause of the audience, which echoes in the room for seconds after it finishes.
Arceus, what was he going to say? His weird pep-talk with his father was heartfelt, but if only it helped him figure out what to say now, to a monstrous crowd that watches him with a mix of uninterested to fully invested eyes.
But the only gaze that matters is his Fathers, who he finds after a solid ten seconds of silence and stage fright. He watches with a faint smile on his face, ready to see what he has in store. And he can’t keep standing up here forever.
So, Grigori clears his throat into the microphone. “Thank you again, President of this honestly wonderful institution, for the introduction. And I must thank everyone here, for their decision to elect me as the Class President for the graduating students this year.”
“But for the future, you don’t need to elect the oldest available, you know?” He says. This earns him a few giggles from both the audience and those who sit in chairs next to him. His confidence grows if only an inch.
“But, in all seriousness, what a year this has been. It was hard, it was long, but in the end, we pulled through. And honestly, I can’t help but think of a connection, between this school year and a…”
“Kind of like a Scizor.”
The crowd laughs again, but much more reservedly. Scizor? Oh boy, didn’t he do his senior-year thesis on that? This is a graduation ceremony, not a research symposium! Looks like Mr. Smarty-pants is about to splurge all his data on them like a clueless shut-in. Who voted for this guy again?
But his eyes are firmly locked on his Father, who shows complete interest in whatever he’s about to say. And so is Sleigh, who sits right next to him with a stupid sign that says ‘THAT’S MY CLASS REPRESENTATIVE’ despite him dropping out of high school. And May, as polite and as reserved as ever. And her parents, who give him a silent cheer and vigorous fist shake.
“I know, I know, sounds a little strange. But hear me out: They go by really fast. I mean, really fast. And they’re obviously hard. The obvious is obvious, and you don’t need someone like me to make a comparison like that.”
“But there’s a little something you don't know: they rely a hell of a lot on its group members. Because they don’t always start out as Scizors. They start out as Scythers. And those aren’t as strong. They’re frail. Easily broken down. One stiff blow, and they’re set back so far it’s hard to tell if they’ll ever get to become like those it looks up to.”
“And… that’s where its group members come in. Whether that be it's parents, friends, or even a trainer to get them back on their feet. Without that network, it can be hard to catch back up to the rest of its kind. Something I’m sure we’ve all dealt with more than we’d like to admit.”
“But another thing they’re good for? Telling you not to invest in terrible businesses. Like masonry. I wish mine had done so twelve years ago.”
By the time his speech finishes, and he thanks the restless crowd, everyone stands up and claps their hearts out. From those behind him, to those in the nosebleeds, and even those who’re doing it just because everyone else is.
Yet Grigori can only hear the front row of around ten people. Their claps ring out the loudest and hardest of them all.
Prompt - Stepping Up (I guess) Word count - Please help it's only getting longer D:
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