"i dunno. snails ooze, right? sounded smart in my head."

priam pulls out the clunkiest fucking phone parker's ever seen in her life. it's like the heaviest duty of heavy duty oshawottbox cases. parker shouldn't really be judging. her phone screen's cracked every which way, but that's besides the point. 

he hands it over and she flips it around, snorting. "god, it's even got a pop socket thing." a black rose on a red circle. "she find this at hot topic or something?"

the phone screen lights up and parker's nose scrunches. "i'll go through her purse, but snoopin' through her phone might get us killed. what else - holy fuck, are those flavored condoms?"

she shoves her hand into the bag and pulls out tinfoil squares with COTTON-CANDY FLAVOUR stamped on the front. the expiration date is well off in the future so there's no chance these are old. parker cackles and then realizes she's pinching not just the condom, but a piece of paper as well. she peels the red paper off and realizes she's looking at a carnival ticket stub. 

"think she was she gettin' down 'n dirty with a clown?"

priam conrad

☉

"what the hell kinda bumper cars you in where you can give a man head, the fuck?" she says, dumbfounded. the logistics aren't working in her head. but hey - straight people? they'll find a way. 

"ferris wheel's my bet. homegirl probably had to pop up every time the wheel passed the bottom." it's a hilarious vision, especially given the vicious aura the woman had been emanating before. 

priam's inquiries are enough to make her abandon the notion that her life is worth more than whatever possible pics she might find in underboss fiorelli's phone. she swipes into the screen and checks the first message at the top. 

oh, lots of unopened messages in this thread.

from MATIAS SILPH
hey
hey
< lewd picture >
hey
u up?
< lewd picture >
hey

now, they have a beautiful little seen by elisabeth at (whenever disseminate is happening idfk)

at the pics, parker makes a gagging noise and shows it to priam. "found our man. yo, wait. fuck. dude, hold out your elbow." parker raises her own to compare. "yeah, no definitely yours. you got bitch arms. let's send him a fake tittie pic."

priam conrad

☉

"don't sweat it," she says with a chuckle. "look, this is fuckin' gold." she angles the pic juuuuuuust right and the phone screen looks like it's staring down a big ol' coin slot. it's good enough even parker might've been tricked if she didn't know what it was. 

"we should open with something though. you know what she's like?" 

well, given the cotton candy condoms and the terrifying meanness she leaves in her wake, parker assumes she's into some crazy shit. probably a whore. 

which, like, go off, queen. 

to MATIAS SILPH:
hey big boy
< sent tit pic (elbow) >

"you really would make a hot chick. not gonna lie," parker says. she turns the phone back around with a snicker and gives it to priam to hold. 

"think we should delete the messages? no paper trail?"

priam conrad

☉

"what a weirdo," she replies. 'cause that's super weird. what, does she have like a bunch of p0rn somewhere? not that parker can see, at least. 

"holy fuck, woman. organize your apps." two screens of weird apps with red dots scattered here and there, a notification bar that's so full it's on threat of choking. underboss Elisabeth Fiorelli is a fucking monster. 

"oh, he read it. no reply though." she hmmms. they've already made their bed. may as well have fun with it. 

"what about this?"

she flies fingers across the screen and then turns it to face priam, text cursor still blinking.

😘 thinking about what you want to do to them?

"slutty victoria woman vibes is what i get from her. proper grammar and shit, right?"

priam conrad
crow knows it's 'victorian' not victoria.
parker has 1 braincell.

☉

"oh, priam. oh, man, that's fuckin' good." she's giddy as a grade schooler at the scholastic book fair (she never went to one of those) and sends the text immediately. there can't be terrible ramifications there, right?

though the difference between the previous text and the latter is kind of startling. 

not that it seems to matter. 

"dude, he fucking sent the godsdamned eggplant back. holy fuck, it actually worked. wait, more emojis. a flower?? what the..."

👉🌱🌸🔥🥵

priam conrad

☉

priam takes the phone and parker's so into it, she can't wait for him to turn it around. so she sidles around him and shoves her face right near his, cheeks almost touching, as she looks animatedly down at the phone. 

"is the sad tulip a limp dick?" she asks.

"is the mushroom the clit?"

sweat drops. everyone knows what that is. 

"virgin caterpillar goes on a wild ride and emerges a butterfly, but only if he touches her plant bud."

she hmmmmmmms. and thinks about it. and says, "yeah, fuck it. i dig it."

"we're totally dead if she ever figures out we did this."

priam conrad

☉