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his hands keep turning into birds and flying away from him. eventually the birds must land.

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POSTED ON Oct 2, 2023 1:20:23 GMT

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...He wants to be tender[break]
and merciful. That sounds overly valorous.[break]
Sounds like penance. And his hands?[break]
His hands keep turning into birds and[break]
flying away from him. Him being you.[break]
Yes. Do you love yourself? I don’t have to[break]
answer that. It should matter. He has a[break]
body but it doesn’t matter, clean sheets[break]
on the bed but it doesn’t matter. [break]

- Richard Siken, Unfinished Duet [x]

When he slept, he dreamt. More and more often, his mind played out memories mingled with fabrication. Highlights of his youth. His wedding day. All melding together into one indecipherable tangle of real and imagined. Mundane and divine. But it was harder to wake up from the dreams that felt so real in their simplicities—[break][break]
Light filters through the blinds and makes him whine. It’s warm and strong so he knows it’s late morning, but he ignores this—rolling over and pulling the fluffy white duvet up over his face until his hair is no more than a patch of grass in an otherwise spotless sea of white. Groggy, he realizes next that he is alone, but stubbornly he stays where he is. This solitude doesn’t last for long though, and within moments the peace gives way to raucous chaos as a body fully dive bombs above the covers to make the mattress bounce. Lam grumbles that fate is being tested, and the rich timbre of a laugh follows. It’s enough to make him peek out from his haven, bitter and resentful.[break][break]
Somehow not for long, though, because he caves every time. Ikarus Rook smells of warmth and bitter coffee, and under that is the faint salt tang of bacon. Something that makes his nose wrinkle. But Rook’s smile is all affection and mischief because he knows how Lam can be in the mornings. In another series of shuffling movements, he’s crawled under the covers too and his skin has cooled some. It makes Lam shiver to the touch but the slow slide of hands and the tangle of feet is a welcome thing. A whisper against his ear follows about ‘early to bed and early to rise,’ and Lam says he can shove the old phrase somewhere the sun doesn’t shine.[break][break]
Laughter. Hazy, honey slow love. The lazy wakeup call of lips on his shoulder, his neck. This is what he’s worked so hard to preserve. To nurture and protect at the cost of his own fraying anxieties. He’d make the same choice over again. Tenfold.[break][break]
He rolls and the other is saying something again, he can see his mouth move. But it’s suddenly as if he’s been plunged underwater. Distant, muffled sound. Indecipherable. ‘Tell me again.’ Suddenly he wants to wail it, but he doesn’t know why he feels so sad. ‘I didn’t hear it. Tell me’ But no words follow.[break][break]
When inevitably, sadly, he woke, he would be immediately plunged back into harsh reality. The sun might shine, but there was a bleakness to it. White, unkind light. And then he would ache so fiercely he felt his chest burn and he wondered why it was that he should even get up anymore. Eyes glazing over with a grief he refused to accept. There was nothing to grieve. Not yet. He had someone to find.[break][break]
And then sound rouses him from the confines of his bed. The clink of dishes in the sink. The hum of a groggy tune. A warm body in the kitchen to wrap his arms around. Familiar heat, familiar scent.[break][break]

And then the dream loops and begins again.[break][break]
And then it is dim in the blue grey morning light. Lightness and ache tight in his throat. Threat of loss, relief of falsehood. The scruff of messy dark hair on the pillow next to his. He shifts closer, head tucking under a slumbering chin. He can breathe when his eyes finally shut and the paces matches the steady slumber of a sleeping Rook.[break][break]
The fear and ache of loss feels so true in the limbo between asleep and awake.[break][break]
And then the dream loops and begins again.[break][break]
Loops.[break][break]
Begins again.[break][break]

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dream drop distance

[break]

NOTES

- tasty tasty dreamworld[break]
- prompt: love[break]
- sleep score: 200

[attr="class","credit"]MADE BY GUNSMILE

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played by

lou

lam

he/him

twenty-seven

may 7th

hau’oli city, alola

rooksexual (demi)

lilycove gym leader

gym leader

5'9 height

his hands keep turning into birds and flying away from him. eventually the birds must land.

awards

1,782 posts

DOLLARS

part of

TAG WITH @lou

POSTED ON Oct 18, 2023 22:22:15 GMT

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It is an unending loop of routine domesticity. Halcyon days that are just alike and not quite the same. Over and over and over again, and there’s nothing sweeter than that. He is simple, he has never wanted the world in his hands. This makes up his world, and he is okay with this.[break][break]
But it is not an eternal ouroboros.[break][break]
When the loop finally comes undone and he falls under again, he moves past the smallest hours of the day into the late morning light. One moment he is in his kitchen, then he is on their patio with a mug of tea. A morning habit maintained for year upon year upon year.[break][break]
This ritualistic thing turns the clock hands back and when he looks down at his own fingers, they are smaller–all knobby-wristed youth. The sounds of the city shift to a similar note but off in key. Not discordant. Only the tune of a different place, a different time.[break][break]
Lilycove shifts to Hau’oli.[break][break]
He is thirteen. He’s not, but he is.[break][break]
He doesn’t know how he knows this, just that he is. It’s written intrinsically in his mind. Thirteen. On the cusp of summer. Mom has been gone a few summers now. Her face has faded, along with most memories of her. She did not want them, so why should he? He remembers this day though. This isn’t a figment, but a recollection.[break][break]
“Why are you, like, such an old man? So boring.”[break][break]
The high, sneering voice is childish in its youth, though it sounds more like something at Leif Logan would say now, rather than then. Ten years old and already too precocious for their father to handle.[break][break]
Still too young to fully grasp that their mother did not want them, did not love them enough to stay.[break][break]
This is when he starts to stop looking at Lam like he could hang the moon, and instead pins his hopes that mom will change her mind. He laughs less, smiles less. Too serious for a boy their age.[break][break]
The tea is abandoned on the patio table as Lam drags his little brother out the gate of their crowded yard, and down the path toward the beachside. Despite Leif’s protests and sullen remarks. But Lam can see it there–that little glimmer of reluctant curiosity.[break][break]
Before they can make it to the shoreline, a rustling of the bushes grabs their attention, and Leif shifts behind Lam. When glances back over his shoulder, Leif looks away in a huff, but Lam only turns back to the potential danger. He only has one pokemon–a rowlet. Artichoke perches on his head before he sends the bird to investigate.[break][break]
But it is only a skitty. Scared and alone with flattened pink ears. “Oh.” He goes to walk around it and leave it alone, but he can sense Leif’s interest. One inconspicuous look confirms his thought–the other green-haired boy is already enamored.[break][break]
So Lam makes a show of it. Whips out one of the pokeballs from his pocket and does a whole pose as Arti flutters around the cat without actually attacking it. When the ball clicks closed, Lam grins. He scoops up the pokeball, and promptly turns to plop the ball into his little brother’s empty hand. Leif blinks up at him, violet eyes wide and mouth hung open in wordless surprise.[break][break]
“You wanted it, right? It’ll be a good friend.” Leif only looks down at the pokeball, the corners of his mouth curling up into a grin that he can’t hide away. Not today. Not this one time. Though he gets better at that over the years.[break][break]
For the first time in months, he hears Leifs laughter. Real laughter. Bright witn enthusiasm, and pleased with the gift. The skitty is clutched to his chest, already a willing recipient of a child’s love and affection.[break][break]
The sound makes his heart squeeze.[break][break]
Will they ever be brothers like this again? He hopes so, and that’s enough to make him smile too.

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dream drop distance

[break]

NOTES

- tasty tasty dreamworld[break]
- prompt: reminiscence[break]
- sleep score: 400 (wc: 720)

[attr="class","credit"]MADE BY GUNSMILE

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played by

lou

lam

he/him

twenty-seven

may 7th

hau’oli city, alola

rooksexual (demi)

lilycove gym leader

gym leader

5'9 height

his hands keep turning into birds and flying away from him. eventually the birds must land.

awards

1,782 posts

DOLLARS

part of

TAG WITH @lou

POSTED ON Oct 24, 2023 20:14:45 GMT

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[attr="class","text"]That laughter carried forward, the note and cadence shifting just enough to pull him back to the moment. Lilycove. Morning. But the laughter remained with the creak of the patio door and the clatter of footfalls. Slow blinks pulled him back to that hazy reality, the mug in his hands cooled over. The sea air and the calling cry of wingull down by the marina.[break][break]
Small hands curled around his forearm eagerly where it rested on the chair arm. That excitement buzzed through the contact, the sort of enthusiasm that only came with youth.[break][break]
Pulled from the daze of his reverie, he only watched her for a moment with wondering eyes. Another giggle slipped free and rose into the crisp morning air, and then one of those small hands was waving in front of his face. “Hellllloooo.” A swift swivel of her head, and suddenly she was no longer speaking to him, that high, bell-like voice instead turning to address Rook, who followed behind–helplessly holding out her untouched and ignored sweater. “Dads, I think Dad went back to sleep out here.”[break][break]
Had he? Had he been dreaming in a dream? He looked down at the tea in his cup that was no longer steaming, and set it to the side.[break][break]
Was this still a dream? A breath of a laugh came from his own lungs as he looked up at his partner with a lazy shrug, then let his head droop to the side in an obvious feign of sleep. Eyes closed, the sound of her indignant scoff met his ears and in spite of himself, the corner of his mouth quirked upward as the hands still planted on his arm began to shake him. He flopped slightly to the side, and let out a fake snore for good measure.[break][break]
It was a weird instinct–to know intrinsically that she is theirs before she even addressed them as such. Not of flesh and blood, but theirs all the same. Daughter.[break][break]
Daughter with wild, unmanageable hair that tumbled over her shoulders and down her back in a dark cocoa sprawl, haphazardly pinned by a clip she did herself. Uncanny, the way it mirrored Rook’s. Daughter with wide ocean eyes and freckles that put his own to shame. Missing front tooth and thin, reedy limbs. The sort of unfettered energy that belonged to a zipping yanma, and was housed in a nine year old girl.[break][break]
“Daaaaaad, wake up! Dads, tell him!” Her hands rose to squish his face, palms pressing at his cheeks until she probably looked more like a goldeen than a dad.[break][break]
“I think I hear a wild Lily calling.” His mind supplied the name for him from some corner of his subconscious, and one green eye cracked open to look at her. “Finallyyy,” she groaned, voice edged in a dramatic sigh as her shoulders drooped and arms tossed in exasperation. (Again, no surprise where she got that, and it wasn’t Lam.)[break][break]
“You didn’t forget, did you?” The flurry of questions flew from her mouth as she looked at him expectantly. “What today is?” He lifted a brow at her–and of course he didn’t forget, because how could he forget her tenth birthday when she chattered about it endlessly? Not that he would have forgotten anyway. Well. Maybe. He wasn’t the one who was good with dates and days. Still–she was easy to get a rise out of. “I dunno, another day of work?”[break][break]
“NO!” Her hands found his as she struggled in vain to pull him up out of his seat. “Wait, you don’t actually gotta work, do you?” Her eyes moved between his and Rook’s pleadingly, bottom lip puffing out. “Only for a bit, Lil’bit.” Admitted as he let her pull him up, only to ruffle her hair. “You can come with me to the gym. It’ll be that quick.”[break][break]
That, apparently, was enough to placate her, and soon she was babbling again about what pokemon she would get all for herself for her tenth birthday, because no, Dad and Dads’ pokemon did not count. Lam was quick to lean into the comfort of Rook’s side, an arm sliding around his waist so that he could lean up and gift him a lazy kiss (met with a chorus of disgusted noises from Lily, naturally.) “Morning, Rookidee.”[break][break]
A good morning. The best sort of morning.

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dream drop distance

[break]

NOTES

- tasty tasty dreamworld[break]
- prompt: family[break]
- sleep score: 600 (wc: 788)

[attr="class","credit"]MADE BY GUNSMILE

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played by

lou

lam

he/him

twenty-seven

may 7th

hau’oli city, alola

rooksexual (demi)

lilycove gym leader

gym leader

5'9 height

his hands keep turning into birds and flying away from him. eventually the birds must land.

awards

1,782 posts

DOLLARS

part of

TAG WITH @lou

POSTED ON Oct 26, 2023 17:28:32 GMT

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[attr="class","text"]Later, after the day wound down and the birthday festivities were over, Lam took a moment to step away.[break][break]
One, because he was an introvert through and through. And two, because he was sure that his birdies would be grief-stricken if they weren’t doted on for a whole day.[break][break]
And Lam simply couldn’t have that.[break][break]
A bag of bird seed in hand, he slipped into the glass dome of his personal aviary. It didn’t take long before he was swarmed by the likes of pidove and tranquill. The unfeazant lingered close by, pecking at loose seed, but made no attempt to perch.[break][break]
It had been a good day. Full of excitement, and family visits. Tiring, but full and good. That’s what retreating now was for. To enjoy a moment of peaceful recreation that brought calm and collectedness as his thoughts slowly pulled back together after the hectic day. One that was only interrupted by a short phone call later in the afternoon that—[break][break]
Lamchop~”[break][break]
“Hm?” he turned at the sound of his husband’s voice to find him in the entryway, arms folded with a look of amused exasperation.[break][break]
Blithe smile on Lam’s face, eyes bright with lifted brows, he probably looked like a puff of feathers—arms and shoulders and the top of his head covered with cooing pidove and by then, a few pidgey and taillow too.[break][break]
“I’ve said it before, but I think you have just a tiny addiction.” Rook’s nose wrinkled, entertained. But Lam knew he humored this little hoarding hobby of his.[break][break]
But who could blame him? The little rats with wings were still the cutest things he’d ever laid eyes on. Rook might’ve disagreed, but that was okay. It just meant more pidove for Lam.[break][break]
Eventually, he shooed them back to their perches, though, looking back over his shoulder as they hopped off of his arms—one by one. “She finally fall asleep?”[break][break]
“Yeah. New buddy tucked in with her and everything.”[break][break]
“I still can’t believe she chose the stunky. A forlorn sigh escaped him as Rook laughed. “Because stunkys are so cute, obviously.” Stated like it was fact.[break][break]
Lam grumbled as he paused by a small pond where his gaggle of Psyduck nested. “Psyducks are cuter..” He released a younger one from its pokeball so it could join the rest. It had been his own contribution to their daughter’s first companion selection.[break][break]
A few of their friends had brought a few choices too, and his dad even sent along a rowlet from Hau’oli. But in the end, the stunky won above all. Somehow.[break][break]
“What did Greyson Connors call about earlier?” He knew this question was coming. But for the first time—in maybe ever, Lam didn’t feel apprehension about the gravity of it. He gave the Psyduck some parting scratches before standing again and making his way over.[break][break]
“A position opened up earlier,” he shrugged, a lopsided smile tugging at his mouth. “There’s an upcoming retirement. So I’m sure you know what’s on the table now.”[break][break]
Just a subtle pitch in his favor, from a longtime friend. Not unlike one from a few years prior. This time, though, he felt more prepared to catch the lob ball. “Let’s talk about it more inside.”[break][break]
Not here.[break][break]
The hutch wasn’t the place for serious talk. Their fingers threaded together, natural as ever, as Lam leaned up to kiss the curve of Rook’s jaw. [break][break]
“You smell like pigeon.”[break][break]
He laughed, “You love it.”

[attr="class","ooc"]

dream drop distance

[break]

NOTES

- tasty tasty dreamworld[break]
- prompt: recreation[break]
- sleep score: 800 (wc: 643)

[attr="class","credit"]MADE BY GUNSMILE

close tab

played by

lou

lam

he/him

twenty-seven

may 7th

hau’oli city, alola

rooksexual (demi)

lilycove gym leader

gym leader

5'9 height

his hands keep turning into birds and flying away from him. eventually the birds must land.

awards

1,782 posts

DOLLARS

part of

TAG WITH @lou

spiral is my big poppa pump (positive)

POSTED ON Oct 29, 2023 2:19:44 GMT

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[attr="class","text"]The following day he made the hop over to Ever Grande.[break][break]
It was unsurprising that the night before, Rook had his fair share of questions. Chief among them will it be safe? Sitting there, curled together on the couch with steaming mugs of decaf coffee, dim lamplight, and the low murmur of some sitcom neither of them were paying attention to, Lam didn’t have a concrete answer beyond—[break][break]
“I think so.”[break][break]
“But do you know so?”[break][break]
“No, I don’t.”[break][break]
He sighed, head tucking into the crook of Rook’s neck. “I have a good feeling, though.” Things weren't the same as they once had been, and he had more than a few good years under his belt as gym leader. It felt like some things had settled.[break][break]
Constant risks didn’t manifest as quickly. It didn’t feel like there was a need to rise higher than he was at a faster rate. Actually able to take his time.[break][break]
“Do you trust me?”[break][break]
“Of course I do.”[break][break]
He wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize what they’d built together, nothing was that worth it. But something told him that it would be alright.[break][break]
By the time he woke the next morning, he felt that much more at ease about the decision itself, and when he left his family behind for the morning, there wasn’t any hesitation or uncertainty between the two of them—not beyond what was normal, anyway.[break][break]
Stepping up to the likes of the elite four felt right now. Something he was actually prepared for. Capable of handling and carrying on his shoulders.[break][break]
The League HQ didn’t look so daunting when he stopped in front of the entrance. Letting out a short breath, he reached for the door and stepped through, easygoing smile on his face.

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dream drop distance

[break]

NOTES

- tasty tasty dreamworld[break]
- prompt: stepping up[break]
- sleep score: 999 (wc: 338)

[attr="class","credit"]MADE BY GUNSMILE

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played by

gremlin creature

the shadow mod

wing attack

mod

googoo gaga

600 foot tall baby height

sleeping in mod reqs

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spiral and shiv's baby

POSTED ON Oct 29, 2023 19:35:05 GMT

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[attr="class","omacceptedtop"]THREAD COMPLETE!

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YOU RECEIVE THE REWARDS BELOW:[break]

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close tab

played by

lou

lam

he/him

twenty-seven

may 7th

hau’oli city, alola

rooksexual (demi)

lilycove gym leader

gym leader

5'9 height

his hands keep turning into birds and flying away from him. eventually the birds must land.

awards

1,782 posts

DOLLARS

part of

TAG WITH @lou