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i used to dream in the dark of palisades park.

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POSTED ON Aug 25, 2023 1:38:59 GMT

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It is an after.[break][break]

After Tempest arrives home, caked in mud. After Tulio leaves for the night, wishing the two well and giving final hugs. After a shower to wash the dirt and grime and grief from bodies and minds for the moment.[break][break]

Tempest sits in the living room and writes.[break][break]

He does not expect Cillian to bother him. They had both been... encapsulated. In their own grief, they floated by one another as if in two separate bubbles. Avoiding each other not from fear for themselves, but that they might pop whatever delicate balance the other was holding. It was as kind as it was cruel.[break][break]

So Tempest writes. Nothing important. Just interesting details from scientific papers he had read, or about progress with the park where the Tree of Life once stood, or perhaps about recipes he had seen and might be interested to try. It is just something to do other than allow the demons of his mind to take him.

[attr="class","tag"]Cillian Quinn

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Gavin Merlino

he/him

october 28th

circhester, galar

demisexual

the harbinger

underboss

6'3" height

creatures of habit, carrion flowers, growing from repeated crimes.

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TAG WITH @gavin

POSTED ON Aug 25, 2023 1:56:53 GMT

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Cillian stands under the shower's spray until the water goes cold and his skin red. There is something comforting in the steady thrum of water against the tile, not unlike the peace he drew from the rain.[break][break]

When a chill shivers down his neck, he steps from the shower and dries himself off, scowling at his figure in the mirror as the steam slowly dissipates from its surface. It strikes him how much weight he's lost, bones sharp in places and cheeks gaunt. It was hardly a wonder that people were starting to worry. That his husband hadn't brought it up was a testament to how deep they'd both become entrenched in grief.[break][break]

He's noticed the subtle things, though. How Temp has stocked the fridge with higher-calorie meals and protein shakes. A subtler way of expressing care, rather than risking startling the cagey animal that was his husband.[break][break]

He keeps these thoughts in mind as he goes to the living room and sits down on the couch, curling into his lover's side without words.[break][break]

I've missed you, says the gesture, as Cillian lays his head on Tempest Quinn's shoulder. I love you.[break][break]

And most of all, I'm sorry.

[break][break]

[attr="class","tag"]Tempest Quinn

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temporary

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may 3rd

pacifilog, hoenn

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6'2" height

i used to dream in the dark of palisades park.

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TAG WITH @temp

POSTED ON Aug 25, 2023 2:13:51 GMT

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Before, when Cillian Quinn would come into a room it was like it was all Tempest could focus on. Cillian was the light that guided his life. So, like any good flower, he would turn to face his sun with glee. It has only been since the return that this has... dulled.[break][break]

It is not a lack of love. It is more so an... absorption. As if Temp blocks out the rest of the world, his feelings will go away after dealing with them on his own. An attempt at a self imposed bottle episode with himself. There is no logic in it. Temp knows it will hurt to do this. Yet, the idea of facing reality hurts so much more.[break][break]

In his daze, he does not notice Cillian until he sits down next to him. It is almost something like being startled; if being startled came with just a delayed tensing up. As soon as he realizes who it is he calms, relaxed instantly, his pencil stopping; a half finished dinner menu for some nebulous future waiting.[break][break]

Tempest takes a breath and it's sharp, almost like a gasp. So many things suddenly sit on his tongue.[break][break]

I love you, too. I'm sorry. Do you think she would miss us? Do you miss who we were before? Do you regret it? Do you regret me? Why did it have to be this way?[break][break]

The breath comes out slow through his now as his lower lip wobbles.[break][break]

Temp just puts his journal down to lay his head on top of Cillian's and exist for a few more moments in whatever fragile balance they've found.

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thorn

Gavin Merlino

he/him

october 28th

circhester, galar

demisexual

the harbinger

underboss

6'3" height

creatures of habit, carrion flowers, growing from repeated crimes.

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TAG WITH @gavin

POSTED ON Aug 25, 2023 2:42:33 GMT

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Cillian hears the shakiness of Temp's breath. It's matched by the heat behind Cil's eyelids, the pressure that builds until he tries to blink it away only to find that he's crying. He doesn't fight it as he normally would.[break][break]

We were parents.[break][break]

"I still don't want kids."[break][break]

He doesn't know why that's what comes out of his mouth. It's miserable and thick with grief, as if he'd almost choked on the words. He furrows his brow, surprised at his own starter. It's not how he'd imagined this would go, when he'd told Tulio he'd try.[break][break]

I love you, should've been the first thing past his lips, or perhaps even I miss her, too.[break][break]

Yet the fumbling confession cuts straight to the heart of his grief.[break][break]

She was gone, and her absence was a void that would be forever left unfilled. And how cruel it seemed to do that to a man who'd raised so many children with such warmth and love, to deprive Temp selfishly of the fatherhood that had been taken from him.[break][break]

"I love her." His voice is barely a whisper. He turns the silver feather over in trembling fingers. He is certain of that, beyond all else. It had only been a memory, but that love had been real. "But I don't — I can't—"[break][break]

I can never be what that memory made me.[break][break]

"I'm sorry," he whispers, hoarse, and sobs.

[break][break]

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temporary

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may 3rd

pacifilog, hoenn

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TAG WITH @temp

POSTED ON Aug 25, 2023 2:54:38 GMT

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Of whatever Tempest had expected to come from Cillian Quinn's mouth, it wasn't what he said.[break][break]

It strikes him to the very core. Shakes the foundations of whatever tenuous balance his mental health had been fighting to rest on. They were doing this. They were doing this now and Tempest is as wholly unprepared as he was ready for it to be over with.[break][break]

The whole thing had been exhausting. Temp is so scared. So scared, but he wants to cry and hold his husband and have the two of them bleed this poison out together.[break][break]

So Temp does just that. Cillian sobs and Temp feels wetness already collecting in his eyes. He grabs for his husband's shoulders and hugs him in a gripping crush. It's as much for the other's comfort as it was his own. Clinging to a life-raft when a storm raged around them.[break][break]

"I couldn't.... I couldn't do it again, anyway, Cil." He's not sure how his voice is so calm. It shakes and trembles but he doesn't choke on the words.[break][break]

It rips him in two to admit. Tempest loved kids. He'd always wanted to be a father.[break][break]

The memory had been like a dark wish come true. He had already reconciled that Cillian didn't want kids- but then Tempest had gotten to experience it anyway.[break][break]

It had been amazing. So hard, so terrible in spots, but it had been such a light in his life. Tempest had felt complete. A man sharing his life with the person he loved most and helping to raise beautiful children to lead the next generation. Cillian had done amazing; Cillian had been a good dad despite all the trauma and fear poured down his throat by his own upbringing.[break][break]

But Tempest would never want that back.[break][break]

This aching pain of loss had changed something within him.[break][break]

Fat tears drip down his cheeks as he admits it to himself. To his lover.[break][break]

"I could never risk going through that again."

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thorn

Gavin Merlino

he/him

october 28th

circhester, galar

demisexual

the harbinger

underboss

6'3" height

creatures of habit, carrion flowers, growing from repeated crimes.

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TAG WITH @gavin

POSTED ON Aug 25, 2023 3:39:15 GMT

Lulu Flint likes this

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It is not the first time Tempest has seen him cry. But it is, perhaps, the worst. There is something raw and terrible in the sound that escapes Cillian's throat, a choked-off wail of grief that quiets into a soft, pleading whimper.[break][break]

Perhaps it is because Temp, ordinarily the more emotional of the two, states the ugly truth so calmly, and Cillian immediately understands what it means. He remembers the strange peace that had settled over his husband's face as he'd given himself to the deep so that Cillian might live. It had only been a simulation, but just like the memory, the feelings that lingered were real.[break][break]

He'd come to accept, then, what he'd tried so hard to ignore.[break][break]

Death was easier for Temp than living through such monumental grief.[break][break]

That his husband was still here, that he'd forced himself to continue trudging through the pain of their overwhelming loss, meant more than Cillian could find words to express. He clings to him, instead, grip tight enough to be painful.[break][break]

"I'm glad we had her," he admits, muffled against Temp's shoulder, "but... neither could I. Even if Rocket..."[break][break]

He can't say it, for he knows it's a reality that can never be. There will always be Rocket, and he will never be the King of Circhester again. He will never be free... but even in freedom, he could not face such loss anew.[break][break]

Rowan Wrynn and Lulu Flint were enough.[break][break]

"I'm glad you're still here."[break][break]

Please don't leave me.

[break][break]

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yams

temporary

he/him

may 3rd

pacifilog, hoenn

big homo

housewife

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6'2" height

i used to dream in the dark of palisades park.

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TAG WITH @temp

POSTED ON Aug 25, 2023 3:53:35 GMT

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It is in Cillian Quinn's grief that Tempest allows himself to... he doesn't know.[break][break]

Temp is usually so willing and ready to show his feelings. He'd always had his heart on his sleeves to some capacity, be it roaring with laughter at a joke or sobbing into his husband's shoulder during a sad movie. It feels like it should be easy to reach into his well of tears and pull forth what should be the proper reaction.[break][break]

But it's just empty and numb. Temp's eyes well up and leak fat drops onto Cillian's shoulder but he doesn't give the hard sobbing crying like one would expect.[break][break]

That hurts, too, somehow. It makes him feel strange and broken inside. As if his emotions aren't correct.[break][break]

Another layer of pain added to an already terrible circumstance.[break][break]

It may seem like he is just trying to be strong for the other. But the truth of it hurt.[break][break]

"I love her so much. I miss her so much." His voice cracks on the words as he speaks them.[break][break]

Another tight squeeze.[break][break]

"I promised I would never leave you."[break][break]

What goes unsaid is also painful.[break][break]

If not for you, I would not be here.[break][break]

It is not an accusation. There is no bitterness there as he thinks on it. Just acceptance.[break][break]

To Tempest, it is not a heavy burden placed on the other. It is just that Cillian made him strong enough to change.

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played by

thorn

Gavin Merlino

he/him

october 28th

circhester, galar

demisexual

the harbinger

underboss

6'3" height

creatures of habit, carrion flowers, growing from repeated crimes.

awards

7,862 posts

DOLLARS

part of

TAG WITH @gavin

POSTED ON Aug 25, 2023 21:35:57 GMT

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Even in his own grief, Cillian is not deaf or blind to the changes in his husband. It was ordinarily Tempest who sobbed openly, Cillian who held firm and anchored the other in his turbulent ocean of sorrow.
[break][break]
Knowing not what to do, only that something was wrong, Cillian adjusts his hold to smooth a hand down his husband's back, rubbing comforting circles between his shoulder blades. He isn't sure what else to do except to be here, as Temp has forced himself to persist despite their loss, and to offer what support he could.
[break][break]
Still, Cillian feels inadequate.
[break][break]
"I miss her, too." It's a hollow void in his chest. He can't properly picture her face, but while memories fade, his emotions cling stubbornly. "So fucking much."
[break][break]
Parents weren't supposed to outlive their children.
[break][break]
Temp's next words break his heart.
[break][break]
It feels as though he's selfishly dragging the man he loves through misery and pain only so that he might avoid the same. His throat chokes with it, words failing to form in response. Tears continue to flow down his cheeks. He's shaking.
[break][break]
"I'm so sorry," is all he can say.

[break][break]

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yams

temporary

he/him

may 3rd

pacifilog, hoenn

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6'2" height

i used to dream in the dark of palisades park.

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TAG WITH @temp

POSTED ON Aug 28, 2023 19:38:10 GMT

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The tears keep falling for them both. Cillian Quinn's filled with emotion as he chokes on his own breath. Tempest's the kind of quiet and stoic pain that leaks in a steady stream from his eyes.[break][break]

This is... it's....[break][break]

"It's all unfair." At that, his voice breaks, hitches in his chest. Burns. But after a little sniffle Tempest just assesses the burning behind his eyelids and leans over to kiss Cillian on the top of the head. Soft and sweet even as he washes the other in the anguish.[break][break]

"But don't be sorry for that."[break][break]

Tempest finds Cillian's hand. Squeezes it with a soft reassurance after he tangles their finger together.[break][break]

"Never be sorry you gave me the strength to carry on, Cillie."

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played by

thorn

Gavin Merlino

he/him

october 28th

circhester, galar

demisexual

the harbinger

underboss

6'3" height

creatures of habit, carrion flowers, growing from repeated crimes.

awards

7,862 posts

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part of

TAG WITH @gavin

POSTED ON Aug 28, 2023 21:42:19 GMT

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"Oh."[break][break]

It clicks, then, what Temp had meant, and Cillian hugs him all the tighter in lieu of words. It was not out of duty but of love that his partner remained in spite of the ever-present void in his chest.[break][break]

After, Cillian falls silent but for the occasional sniffle as his tears run their course. It is enough just to be together again, to hold his husband and know that he would not be enduring the pain of this loss alone. That Temp's recent absence had been out of a manic need to cope rather than a desire to be as far from Cillian as possible.[break][break]

They were not OK. Not right now. But they would be.[break][break]

His face hurts from crying, his eyes heavy with the need for sleep. A headache builds in his sinuses.[break][break]

"I don't regret it."[break][break]

He speaks soft, his head laid against Temp's shoulder. He's staring into middle-distance, unfocused eyes fixed vaguely upon their dormant television.[break][break]

"I couldn't regret anything if it's with you. Twenty years..." His voice cracks, but he's out of tears. "You gave me the best twenty years of my life, love. And the best years before them."[break][break]

He squeezes their interlocked hands.

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temporary

he/him

may 3rd

pacifilog, hoenn

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TAG WITH @temp

POSTED ON Aug 29, 2023 16:26:32 GMT

Cillian Quinn likes this

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"I don't, either. I would do it every time, even though it hurts. I would do it with you." It is a resigned sadness they have, Tempest thinks. To cry over something that might not even be real. He wonders what people who never experiences the lost twenty years must think of people like him and Cillian Quinn.[break][break]

For the first time in weeks, Tempest feels a surge of warmth in his chest.[break][break]

The love had never gone away. Had never dimmed, per se. But it had been iced over with pain. Tempest hadn't been able to feel his raw love for Cillian because it was being blocked out by a mire of grief.[break][break]

It flares now, sweet and warm to crack ice from his veins Tempest hadn't even realized had settled there.[break][break]

"I'll give you the next best twenty, too. Then thirty, then forty, on and on."[break][break]

It's a promise, much like the one that he had made before. To never leave him. To never fall into the sweet temptation of the void in his chest.[break][break]

Fueled by love and change. For himself. For Cillian.[break][break]

Tempest hurts. He hurts so bad he wants to lay down and melt into the floor, he wants to rot and decay into something disgusting so Cillian doesn't feel bad about washing him away.[break][break]

But he doesn't. Because he loves his husband.[break][break]

And maybe more importantly, because Cillian has made him love himself a little, too.

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thorn

Gavin Merlino

he/him

october 28th

circhester, galar

demisexual

the harbinger

underboss

6'3" height

creatures of habit, carrion flowers, growing from repeated crimes.

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7,862 posts

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part of

TAG WITH @gavin

POSTED ON Sept 1, 2023 2:09:51 GMT

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Cillian falls quiet, content to simply listen to the comforting thrum of his husband's voice. It feels good simply to be near him after weeks spent sleeping at different times, scarcely seeing each other but in passing.[break][break]

For as much as he is strong, an island amidst a storm, it is Temp who sheds light upon that island's rocky shores.[break][break]

"I've been watching my weight more."[break][break]

Though they haven't discussed it, he knows Temp has worried. Cillian worries, too. He can see his reflection in the coffee table's glass, the too-sharp angles and hollow gaze. He hates himself for the weakness, but swallows down the rising tide of bitterness.[break][break]

"I need to stay strong. For Rocket," with a touch of resignation that softens as he adds, softer, "For you. I'm sorry I've been so..." He doesn't know the word, trailing off and trusting Temp will. "But I'm going to do better."

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temporary

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may 3rd

pacifilog, hoenn

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i used to dream in the dark of palisades park.

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TAG WITH @temp

POSTED ON Sept 1, 2023 17:16:53 GMT

[nospaces]

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"Don't be sorry." Because Cillian Quinn is right. Tempest knows exactly what he means. The curse of grief had also taken Temp away from the other, away from the comfort they could provide one another as they endured this terrible feeling.[break][break]

"We both just... we just needed time." But now the park is almost finished. Tempest only has a few more days, at most, to deal with the frenzy of mania to help distract him from the pain. Then he would be lost in that painful sea again. [break][break]

Only this time, he would have Cillian to cling against as he endured the harsh waves. His life boat in stormy waters.[break][break]

For the first time in what feels like much too long, Tempest leans in close to try and capture his husband's lips in a proper, sweet, lingering kiss. There is no heat behind it, just a raw love and affection. His hand tucks against Cillian's side, pulling him closer; checking his ribs.[break][break]

He breaks it off slowly.[break][break]

"I'll start making the packs again." For both of them, this time; Tempest hadn't exactly been hungry recently.

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thorn

Gavin Merlino

he/him

october 28th

circhester, galar

demisexual

the harbinger

underboss

6'3" height

creatures of habit, carrion flowers, growing from repeated crimes.

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7,862 posts

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part of

TAG WITH @gavin

POSTED ON Sept 7, 2023 7:42:35 GMT

[nospaces]

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Cillian nods in mute agreement.[break][break]

Time. It healed all wounds, yet it seemed to drag on terribly when those wounds were freshly opened. His heart remained a raw and bleeding sore. In a way, he's strangely grateful for Rocket's influence. It has forced him to keep going, to push through his pain when he wishes nothing more than to succumb to it and sleep away his grief.[break][break]

There is no carnal lust in the kiss that Temp claims, and Cillian is equally soft in its return. He leans his forehead against his lover's and rests a hand on Temp's shoulder.[break][break]

He winces at the brush of fingers along his ribs, from guilt rather than pain.[break][break]

"I'd like that," he admits, when their lips part. "I'm not good at remembering on my own."[break][break]

Once, it had been a source of humour. Once, he'd taken good enough care of himself that the occasional skipped meal was funny rather than a cause for concern. Once, there'd been no daughter to grieve.[break][break]

"I love you."[break][break]

His voice is tight with pain and sincerity.

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temporary

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may 3rd

pacifilog, hoenn

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housewife

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i used to dream in the dark of palisades park.

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