It surprises him, and the knife between his ribcage sinks deeper.

Was this better, or worse? To know his feelings weren't one-sided, that he wasn't imagining the spark — yet Theo would smother it before it had a chance to breathe.

Breathing. Gavin realizes he isn't, sucks in a sharp inhale.

"Because you're scared?"

His voice is so soft as to almost be drowned out by the gentle bubble of filtration systems.

[attr="class","beck"]"because it's easier this way."

it's part of the truth, but it's enough.

with a resigned sign, he continues:

"you should move on, cillian."

[attr="class","noodles"]Cillian Quinn

"For you, perhaps."

Yet he can't bring himself to sound accusatory. His tone tightens around grief.

"Do you plan to move on? To find someone else?"

His breath is shaky even if he keeps his voice level.

"It's not easy for me, you know. And after what happened with Emma, I—"

It chokes in his throat as he closes his mouth.

"Three years, Theo, and I still feel the same."

[attr="class","beck"]"there will never be someone, cillian."

perhaps in a different life; but in this, there is nothing for beckett.

he isn't sure why he continues to prolong the inevitable, why he continues to question.

"when did you know?"

[attr="class","noodles"]Cillian Quinn

"There could be."

He could be someone if only Beckett would let him in. His chest aches.

"When—" He clears his throat. "When I thought you were working for Walsh — it hurt the same as when I called off the engagement. As when Black— when Silas ordered me to come to Hoenn."

Heartbreak. A pain he'd experienced before, but only through his love for Emma had he gained the context that he'd loved another, once.

It hurts the same now; this much doesn't need to be said.

"When did you?"

[attr="class","beck"]heartbreak.

it's all too familiar.

all too painful.

and still,

"when blackwell tore you away from me."

[attr="class","noodles"]Cillian Quinn

Breath shivers in his lungs.

Gavin swipes at tears before they can form, knocking his glasses askew.

His hands, too, are shaking.

"He's dead, Theo. He can't separate us, now."

[attr="class","beck"]"no, he can't."

he didn't have power then — he has power now.

"i'm separating us, cillian."

[attr="class","noodles"]Cillian Quinn

"But why?"

Arceus, it hurts. Heartache clashes with something like betrayal.

"If you love me, Theo, why?"

[attr="class","beck"]"because it's easier this way,"

not missing a beat,

"for me."

[attr="class","noodles"]Cillian Quinn

Betrayal wins.

Like cold water's been splashed over him, Gavin feels the ice in his veins. Theo might've loved him, but there was no way that he loved Gavin the same way Gavin loved him.

If he did, he'd have never let him go.

His eyes shine, but tears don't fall. His jaw clenches.

"I'd have waited, Theo. As long as it fucking took. Even if it's harder for me, because I love you."

But his words are in the past tense, the closing of a door.

"But I'm not going to spend my life chasing someone who won't love me the same."

His voice breaks, then, and he shudders with the effort of suppressing a sob.

[attr="class","beck"]"then don't."

his voice stays level, faltering only through a breath. he takes a step towards cillian but it only seems to further distance them; the way it should be.

"because you'd have waited for nothing."

[attr="class","noodles"]Cillian Quinn

Theo steps toward him, and Gavin stands his ground.

His cold expression falters at the tremor in Theo's breath. He loves him so much that it hurts — but he'd loved Emma the same, and it hadn't mattered at the end.

He'll never be what I need from him.

He reaches out and rests a hand on Theo's shoulder, but it's not a plea. If anything, it's pained acceptance.

"I'm not going anywhere, you know. You're on my turf, now; you're stuck with me."

He squeezes, drops his hand, smiles sadly.