shouldn't be counting them because numbers don't matter, or because they won't have more, or what?

vague knox has long become something sam accepts as just that, vague. he purposes not to read into his words. even as he feels knox drift away. hears him grunt or mumble every once in a while.

his insomnia rears its ugly head in several different forms. when he closes his eyes all he can see is knox, terrified of him and begging for a way out, while also closing the door on his way out when sam offered it-- twice. human beings are too complex and his brain struggles to wrap around them. to wrap around the morality. the hurt.

so he shifts to get up, quickly moving to release his absol, hecate. he motions for her to lay down beside knox, to protect him. she does as she's asked, becomes another boy's body pillow, and watcher. to keep the bad omens at bay, to keep away the negative feelings, to keep him safe.

his gardevoir he calls next, moving to take her hand. as they teleport, he faces the limp body of a man he'd cursed. nobody has come to claim the body and it is of no surprise to sam. they teleport again, body with them. the body is in the bed of the truck. once again, they teleport. the truck with them this time, along with the body. they're at the more desolate far more haunted side of mt. pyre.

another teleport, this time without sam, and gardevoir returns with a shovel. sam takes it and plots a space. he begins to dig. each time his shovel hits the ground he hears knox, sees him. the terror, the fear. he knows that look, he's seen it on others who requested to never do missions with sam ever again.

he's seen it on his mother's face. he understood she couldn't handle it. her son, her pride and joy, her heart is a monster.

somehow he thought knox would accept that side of him. perhaps he was wrong to assume knox was a monster as well.

the hole is dug, he rolls the body in, not paying much attention to how the bones crack upon landing, as he wasn't gentle with the body. he begins to pull dirt back atop the body then.

he's against a wall. teeth in his neck, usually bright blue eyes more downcast, darker, lacking their usual luster. he wasn't somebody else, but he was a monster. a part of knox that knox did not like.

his shovel pauses, realization hits him. if i am broken, so too is knox... and it was seeing sam snap, and accept how he had snapped, that terrified knox. maybe it wasn't just sam that terrified him.

he continues to bury the man.

it is finished and the sun is rising in the sky. he grabs the hoodie from the center console and then moves the truck, driving it to park it over the grave. once out of the truck, hoodie in hand, he fishes in his pockets for alecto's capsule. he releases the beast and gives him a simple task; destroy the evidence.

within moments the truck is being melted by toxic ooze. a TOXIC and a VENOSHOCK, blow after blow, until the truck ceases to hold shape, the ooze on the ground causes sam to frown. but, that's that.

it's over.

he returns his gengar and teleports with his gardevoir back into the room. she leaves him in silence and he eyes knox and his absol. he makes his way to the laundry, pulling off his grave clothes and putting them in the wash with knox' hoodie and a few of his other clothes that had been left at sam's.

and he just watches the load start. puts the soap in, stands and looks at the machine with hollowed eyes.

he makes his way to the bathroom, turns the shower on again. he's covered in dirt, proceeds to wash it off. this, after this, after this shower it will be over, won't it? when he closes his eyes, can he rest? or will he see knox again?

he tests the theory, forcing his eyes to close for longer than a simple and average blink.

i'm fucking terrified.

his eyes snap open and he's looking at the dirty water swirling down the drain. his eyes water again and he clenches his fist.

"never again..." he wills, he promises himself, that he won't make knox cry. never again.

he literally can't bare it.

knox prescott