"you're discrediting your feelings."

cian would know because he does it, too, and so it's wrong for him to feel this annoyed at it. he sighs, trying his best to maintain a level head as he watches mars step closer.

sensing the tension in the air, cian junior floats down to rest on cian's shoulder.

"okay, then we don't have to do it, but why didn't you tell me?"

Martín del Mar // [x]

☉

It goes without saying, but Mars has never been to a therapist. He probably could benefit a whole lot from it, and yet he obviously would never agree to it, because that would mean admitting there’s something wrong with him (and it would also mean having to tiptoe around most of the issues in his life since it’s not like he can mention those to some random civilian).
[break][break]
With no therapist, no one has ever told Mars that it’s wrong to discredit his feelings. He has done as much as for most of life; hiding them from the world and sometimes even from himself, and he would probably be an even more fucked up person now if he hadn’t done as much. Nothing good ever came out of anger, that is something he has learned well.
[break][break]
But, here is Cian, telling him to stop doing that.
[break][break]
”I did tell you.”
[break][break]
It had all sounded like a joke though, and he knows as much. This had been a conscious choice on his part.
[break][break]
”It’s fine, you wanted to do it, so I don’t mind.”
[break][break]
He clearly does mind. So, discrediting, one more time, without even realizing he's doing as much.
[break][break]
Old habits die hard.




[BREAK][BREAK]

+ CIAN MAHER

"you joked about it. that's different."

maybe that's why he's as annoyed as he is right now, because it had been said, just as a joke, and it makes him out to be in the wrong now because clearly, he didn't listen.

"it's not fine. you're still doing it."

maybe he should be a little less harsh with his words...

"you need to just tell me when you don't want to do things. tell me how you actually feel."

Martín del Mar // [x]

☉

Is he in the wrong here? Is this his fault? There’s a part of him that wants to tell Cian to stop; that he should have listened, that he has no right to be acting annoyed about all this when Mars himself is the one who was forced into doing something he didn’t want to do.
[break][break]
But, that’s not right, is it?
[break][break]
He doesn’t want to be mad at Cian.
[break][break]
Maybe they both have done things wrong.
[break][break]
”Cian, it doesn’t matter, it’s just–”
[break][break]
At this point right here, Mars stops himself, his next words lingering at the tip of his tongue: it’s just running.
[break][break]
It’s not. He would never be that dismissive about something Cian loves. He hates that he even considered saying those words without giving them a single thought.
[break][break]
So, there’s a sigh instead.
[break][break]
”I know you’re right, but it’s not that easy.”





[BREAK][BREAK]

+ CIAN MAHER

maybe later, when he's calmed down a bit, then he'd be able to understand that he was also in the wrong, that he should've listened to mars' words even if he had meant them as a joke.

but while annoyed, it's almost too easy to fall deeper into the pit.

his eyes narrow.

"it's just what?"

Martín del Mar // [x]

☉

No.
[break][break]
That’s enough.
[break][break]
That’s not the turn this conversation is going to take, because it’s ridiculous and it’s not even how Mars feels about things. Wasn’t all this supposed to be about how he feels?
[break][break]
”You’re not listening to me, Cian.”
[break][break]
What’s the point in sharing his feelings if Cian’s going to react like this? He should have never said a word. He should have just kept it to himself and kept running. Shut his stupid mouth.
[break][break]
”I’m going back to the yacht.”
[break][break]
Usually, Mars would always put the mission first, but right now, as he starts walking back towards the beach, Castform are the last thing in his mind.





[BREAK][BREAK]

+ CIAN MAHER

and now a choice is presented: follow after mars and possibly jeopardize their mission, or ignore mars, look the other way, and continue on without him?

it's not much of a choice, really.

"mars."

with a sigh, he follows after his partner, soon walking up next to him.

"i'm sorry, alright? for not listening. we don't have to run; it's stupid anyway."

Martín del Mar // [x]

☉

Choose your battles, Mars.
[break][break]
No victory will ever come out of hurting Cian’s feelings, he may be annoyed and even angry at this point, but that anger doesn’t blind him enough to not realize that. Maybe Mars just loves him too much to ever want to hurt him like that.
[break][break][break]
So, he walks away, because that’s the only way he can see to defuse the whole situation without lying to Cian. Maybe they just both need time to themselves to think about things. Maybe later on it will all be fine.
[break][break]
But, Cian follows, because of course he does.
[break][break]
In part, it makes Mars happy, but it also makes him worry about them continuing to argue…
[break][break]
Except that Cian apologizes.
[break][break]
”It’s not stupid.”
[break][break]
Despite continuing to look ahead, there’s a slight frown, and he takes a breath, trying to steady himself.
[break][break]
Share his feelings, huh?
[break][break]
”It’s not stupid, Cian. It’s something you love, and I like it too, and I love you so of course I like doing things that make you smile… But, sometimes I just don’t feel like doing certain things, just like anyone.”
[break][break]
It’s not even about the running though, is it? That’s not what upset him about all this.
[break][break]
He sighs.
[break][break]
”I’m not good at making it known when I don’t want to do things.” Admitting to not being good at something? Takes a lot for Mars to say such a thing out loud, and maybe that’s why he still doesn’t look at Cian. Maybe it's how painful it is. Maybe it's shame. ”Not when it’s someone important to me. I… It probably has to do with the way I grew up.”
[break][break]
As so many things to do when it comes to Mars.
[break][break]
Never allowed to do what he wanted. Always pushed to do things he couldn’t stand. He stood tall through it all, because back then that was the only way in which he could fight back.





[BREAK][BREAK]

+ CIAN MAHER

it's not stupid.

for whatever reason, he finds that hard to believe even after mars explains. doubt lingers in his mind, perhaps never to be addressed.

"i don't want to do things if you don't want to."

he sighs as well, meeting his gaze.

"but i wouldn't know unless you told me, so..."

what is that they talked about again? compromise?

"just...try, i guess? which is really shitty advice."

but it's the best he has.

Martín del Mar // [x]

☉

Mars would never actually think it’s stupid, and he would gladly give Cian a thousand reasons why it’s not, but since Cian doesn’t share these doubts of his with him, he has no way of knowing he should do so.
[break][break]
Maybe they really should stop leaving things unsaid.
[break][break]
Mars will try, at least.
[break][break]
It’s the thought that crosses his mind when looking at Cian and hearing his words, and with a sigh, he does no more than reach for his hand, gently squeezing just as their fingers intertwine.
[break][break]
”Okay, I’ll try. But, you should also tell me when you don’t feel like doing things.”
[break][break]
Not like that should be an issue, considering that Cian has never seemed to have a problem with doing as much, but it’s still important to make it clear, isn't it?
[break][break]
His next words are quieter, because it’s something he can barely even admit to himself:
[break][break]
”...I’m sorry I’m so fucked up.”



[BREAK][BREAK]

+ CIAN MAHER

"when was the last time you didn't hear me complain?"

bitch and whine, rather, but he sighs all the same, nodding in acceptance.

and then, right as he's about to say something else, mars' words shut him right up.

i'm sorry i'm so fucked up.

"..."

why?

why does mars feel this way?

is it because of him?

"shut the fuck up, mars. you're not fucked up."

his hand squeezes, reassuring.

"you're not."

Martín del Mar // [x]

☉

He is.
[break][break]
He has lived a fucked up life and done fucked up things, and all of it has turned him into someone with one too many issues that lie deep within. Not the person he wants to be. Not the person he tries to be. Even being as prideful as Mars is, he can recognize this.
[break][break][break]
Perfectly imperfect, is what he always calls himself.
[break][break]
This stunning mosaic he has built, this beautiful image that has taken him so much effort to arrange, is still made out of broken things – endless fragments that lay as sharp as knives and that can harm even him. Take an awful experience, pick the best things out of it, make it a part of yourself, but it will still always be damaged.
[break][break]
Perhaps, like the ocean: dazzling and powerful at its surface, and endless dark and dangerous at its depth. Suffocatingly so.
[break][break]
”I am, though.”
[break][break]
Gently, he squeezes back. Cian’s reassurance doesn’t come unnoticed, and he appreciates it, even if it’s a lie.
[break][break]
”I probably always will be. But, thank you for saying I’m not.”
[break][break]
A slight smile.
[break][break]
It’s not even insecurity, it’s just the truth.




[BREAK][BREAK]

+ CIAN MAHER

it breaks his heart, honestly.

but there is nothing he could say to that because deep down, he knows it's the truth. mars isn't perfect, and neither is cian.

nobody is, really.

the rain stops, turning into a SUNNY DAY. cian junior, who's floating closely behind him, shifts forms as well.

again, he squeezes mar's hand.

"i love you."

Martín del Mar // [x]

☉