he hadn't noticed his hair was still wet. or is that sweat sam is brushing aside? he really couldn't give two fucks because sam is still on top of him despite the mess between them and all he can do is wrap his arms around sam and stare upward, thinking did i just have the best [shh] of my life?

so, like, fuck you, Summer Atreides. because the idea that he'd been the one to take advantage of sam is laughable. because despite their distance these past couple of weeks, this is the closest knox has ever felt to anyone. 

he shrugs past sam's kisses so he can bury his face into his neck. they're still all tangled up in one another but he wants any extra space gone. so he squeezes tight and sighs into him, uncharacteristically at a loss for words.

samuel carter

☉

things aren't perfect. and they are far from being okay. but like this - here - wrapped in a loving embrace from the only person he's ever really cared about. and he tells himself he's okay with the distance, with what sam is doing, because at the end of the day this is real. and his time away doesn't diminish that. fuck, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? 

and it's the right thing to do. undoing merrick's evil, undoing the thing that sent knox over the edge all those years ago. shouldn't he be happy?

what's wrong with me? 

he startles because...did he hear that right? he draws back, moves his hands from sam's back to his face. draws those golden eyes into view so he can understand better. 

"what? no. sam, that's your life's work... fuck, i know i've been shitty, but you can't do that. 'cause that's what it's about, right?" he thumbs sam's lip.

samuel carter

☉

so it's dawning on knox that this must actually be a really Serious Talk because bits of him are still half-dry on sam and sam does not seem to give two fucks. nor about the fact that the bed is kinda damp since he'd tossed onto it practically right out of the pool. but hey, if sam hasn't noticed, knox isn't going to point it out. 

even if it means they'd probably end up being able to avoid the Serious Talk. 

"i mean, we'll get better with time..." but the words are weak. he knows with absolute certainty that he will never find comfort in this home. merrick's shadow lurks around every corner. fuck, he's pretty sure his blood has permanently stained the floor at the bottom of the stairs. 

he shifts, cheeks going red again when he realizes sam is still, uh. 

"i'm sorry we never left for kanto when we could have," he says softly. he thinks about that a lot too, when he's up at night. "but, sam, i know it's important to you. and shut up and don't say i'm more important because two things can be important. just don't make any decisions yet, okay? money's no option. we can still travel."

samuel carter

☉

he can't help himself. he lifts a hand and combs it through sam's disheveled hair. he's still smitten and it's hard to focus when his body is still tingling from sam's love bites and everything else they'd done in this room. sam keeps talking and knox keeps messing with his hair. once, he kisses the side of sam's cheek, nosing inked skin. 

and then sam curls into his neck and he sighs and he thinks about it. how stupid it was to come back here. why did they do that again?

oh, right. "we wanted to build that house," he says. he gives sam a squeeze. "somewhere seaside. i, yeah. okay, yeah. but...d'you think summer will be okay? alone?"

he makes a face. "she's a pain in the ass, but i can't leave her here alone."

samuel carter

☉

his lower lip juts out in a pout. sam goes on to explore his neck some more so he misses the look on knox's face while he stares up at the ceiling. every time he looks at her, all he can see, all he can hear, is ollie. and everything that's happened. 

she may have finally opened her eyes to merrick's black heart, but she had been under his thumb for a very long time. the people she and sam are hunting - they are people she has dealt with before. transactions that have passed under her hand. 

when knox found out, he spiraled and tried to choke that darkness out of himself. summer? rose-tinted shades and a complacency that ollie admired so much that he told knox he wished he'd mimic.

"soon," he says weakly. he's overwhelmed but he doesn't want to ruin this moment. he doesn't want to say the wrong thing and make sam angry. break this fragile thing between them. and to coax sam to keep tracing patterns over his skin, he places his palm on the nape of sam's neck, fingers twining in his disheveled hair. 

samuel carter

☉

okay, well that plan doesn't work. knox knows it's because sam probably saw right through him. that's what he gets for trying to avoid it. he's expecting some more pushback on mt. pyre, maybe offering them to move back up to the mountain. and even though sam's stuff is still only just out of his boxes, he thinks maybe he wouldn't say no. 

but instead he startles, flinching and glancing away from sam's warm, careful gaze. his stomach turns. raw pain rips through him, hot and fresh, and that horrible smell is a phantom under his nose. how lovely it would be to blot it out with powdered snow so it's his blood, not ollie's, stuck wrapped around him. 

he runs his hands through his own hair now. it sticks up awkwardly, still half-dry. he tries to sort through all his feelings, tries to give sam something. 

"i...don't know. honestly." he sighs. it's like an addiction.

he rakes his hair again and then, annoyed, touches his thumb to sam's lower lip, stretches fingers over his cheek. "you know that's...not how i feel. what summer said. i don't - didn't - want to be with him. and i don't regret that we ended. 'sides, he left me. not the other way around." he puffs, nose pinching, a little bit of hurt snaking into his voice.

"i just don't want you thinking he was on my mind like, ever. fuck, sam, you're all the good i have. and i fuckin' mean it when i say you're all i want."

samuel carter

☉

what is there to tell? he'd lain the bones out before - not in their entirety. he'd wiped away the markings, the finer details, but still they'd poked through the graveyard of his past that very first night in this room. where knox thought he couldn't bring himself to kiss sam and drag him down into these watery depths. but somehow, now, they're here and they're still breathing. 

his eyes soften. the bites on his skin still sting. 

i know you, knox. i know you won't leave me. i know you'd rather fuck someone else to get back at me than admit i hurt you. because you're fucking broken. and i am too. that's why we work. that's why this will always work. 

but turns out he didn't need to keep his still-bleeding heart, press jagged edges against another like a jigsaw piece that won't ever fit. letting ollie go - really letting him go means...accepting that. 

that some small part of him believes he's worthy of redemption. of love. 

"okay," he says, voice cracking. sam comes closer and it's all he can do not to burrow right into him. ankles twisted, skin on skin, his nose in sam's throat, breathing him in through a suddenly stuffy nose. he squeezes his eyes shut to try and trap the tears, but they spill out anyway. 

and it hurts. gods, it hurts. but that's okay. because sam loves him. 

samuel carter

☉