[attr="class","illeana"]

[attr="class","illeana b"]

[attr="class","illeana i"]the knock comes as a surprise, drawing her out of the distracted task of brushing knotted fur out of an eevee's fur. her eevee mewls softly and she retracts the brush, setting it down on the side table before scooping the eevee up into her arms and heading for the door.

it opens a moment later and she flashes a smile as the eevee begins to wag its tail.

"hey."

her expression softens into affection.

"i didn't know you were coming over."

she would've looked more presentable than wearing sweat pants and one of his shirts...

it dawns on her, then, that there's a hint of something in the air around him. perhaps it's nothing more than a figment of the imagination but a slight gnawing in her gut wants her to lean into the hunch. it prompts her to shift the eevee to one hip and reach for his hand with her newly freed one. she gives a light tug toward the interior of her home, fingers lacing into his.

"how're you doing?"

Felix Gallagher

[attr="class","illeana"]

[attr="class","illeana b"]

[attr="class","illeana i"]her smile warms.

"nothing to be sorry for."

he could show up whenever he wanted, really. she'd never turn him away, call or not.

his grip is unusually tight, as if he's holding onto a lifeline. she subconsciously begins tracing small, soothing circular patterns into the top of his hand with her thumb.

and she doesn't lead him very far, stopping in the living room and settling onto the couch. her eevee waits until felix is settled down on the couch before it tries to climb into his lap to curl up.

"are you sure?"

it's soft, hesitant. she doesn't want to pry, doesn't want to press buttons she doesn't know about but... well, she can't shake the concept that something is off.

after a moment, she leans into his side for warmth and tries to ask a different question.

"did you come to hang out?"

Felix Gallagher

[attr="class","illeana"]

[attr="class","illeana b"]

[attr="class","illeana i"]she squeezes soft affection into his hand, as if attempting to comfort something she doesn’t know.

and in a way, she sort of is.

her eevee settles quietly and, before long, slips into a cozy nap on felix’s lap. and while she wants to blissfully exist in the concept that he simply just wanted to see her, that gnawing feeling won’t die.

”felix.”

her head turns to find his eyes but they’re distracted, hiding in corners.

she’s certain, then, that there’s something like a copperjah in the room and her smile grows smaller, more timid.

”i — do you want to talk about it?”

whatever he’s feeling, whatever he’s experiencing…

Felix Gallagher

[attr="class","illeana"]

[attr="class","illeana b"]

[attr="class","illeana i"]ah…

like a rug being pulled out from under her, realization dawns fast and hard.

and in a way, she understands. death is a funny concept. it’s not complicated to wrap the brain around but to heal emotions, soul, and fleeting what ifs causes more pain than the act itself.

her grip tightens on his hand slightly.

”i’m so sorry, felix…”

and really, she is. to lose anyone, let alone a parent… it’s a special kind of pain.

sometimes, though, she wonders if sympathy helps at all. it didn’t when she had been in a position of loss, at least. nothing healed except the agonizing crawl of time.

”how are you holding up?” it’s a roundabout way of asking how he’s handling not just his own emotions but August Gallagher’s too…

and despite herself, she snuggles a little closer into his side with a persistent warmth.

Felix Gallagher

[attr="class","illeana"]

[attr="class","illeana b"]

[attr="class","illeana i"]in the midst of it all, she finds a small fact: she doesn't know what to say.

death is such a permanent thing and she doesn't quite know if anything can really help the process. time, perhaps, is the only healer of existence because her healing mist sure as hell won't help here.

and yet, there's an understanding that he's not entirely being truthful. she doesn't blame him, really.

"it's okay if you're not okay."

it's small, quiet reassurance. a lack of judgement. perhaps it'll be of some help.

the longer she looks at him, the clearer realization becomes: she wouldn't know how to react if it were her father instead of his. would she feel happy? sad? angry? relieved?

she keeps a torn expression at bay, reigning the structure of her face into something more patient than at a loss.

"you don't have to feel it all at once, either."

it does, often, come in waves. and some are more difficult than others to overcome.

Felix Gallagher

[attr="class","illeana"]

[attr="class","illeana b"]

[attr="class","illeana i"]the sudden rush forward catches her off guard, a soft inhale of surprise sounding out. his arms are a vice grip around her, tight and desperate and holding on for dear life.

she turns toward his body slowly before bringing her arms around him. it’s a soft, comforting sort of embrace, with soothing circles tracing into his back.

”sometimes, we never get it.”

death, life, everything in between… it never truly makes sense in the way we want.

she holds him a little closer, snuggling as he murmurs into her hair.

”i think… you’re mourning what could have been more than him.”

the what if always haunts more than the legacy they’ve left behind.

”it’s okay to be hurt despite the past, felix.”

and isn’t that a tough pill to swallow?

Felix Gallagher

[attr="class","illeana"]

[attr="class","illeana b"]

[attr="class","illeana i"]”yes.”

it lacks the matched harshness but it lands harder, perhaps, with an inherent softness.

”it’s okay to feel.”

whatever rises, it’s okay. bitterness, sadness, anger, regret, relief. each emotion is warranted. each feeling has a purpose.

she hesitates for a moment before raising a hand and lightly running it through the ends of his hair. it’s gentle, feathery, relaxing.

and while she doesn’t know what his father has done, she can only assume based on her own father’s actions. they were, after all, close friends. it breeds a concept she understands, one of pain and childhood memories buried so deep into the ground they can’t even threaten to break through.

”then don’t mourn for him, felix. mourn for yourself, for August Gallagher.”

Felix Gallagher