alecis took a drag of the cigarette, knowing how much of a drag she was being. as per usual recently, she was sorry for dragging jesse alongside her but she didn't have many people she would exactly call 'friends' or anything more out there. it wasn't due to her trying and failing, but more due to her not trying to socialize at all - preferring to worry about work and raising her troupe of dittos properly. since jesse was tied to her work, he was an easy outlet for all energy she had for friendships and any sort of bond. he was an easy escape route, though alecis didn't want to dehumanize him to something so trivial - seeing him as her best friend, if not her only one at the moment.[break][break]
as best friend rules entail, he deserved to know more about her.[break][break]
"i didn't think you'd care to know," alecis breathed out, smoke accompanying her words. she was joking, not attempting to be bitter and it showed in the way she chuckled right after - obviously not bothered by the questions. this was all in the past and she had finally decided to at least start letting go fully. it took a lot out of her, but she knew this was the best way to approach growth unlike some sob-sodden weaker individuals who annoyingly pushed people away. "no, i didn't want any of this," she started. alecis didn't want to bog down jesse with too much information or a long-winded story, so she took a moment to contemplate her next words. jesse's cigarette met her lips once more and then she held it up for him to take another puff out of. "but even a partner's aspirations can become folie a deux you fall into." alecis rubbed the back of her neck with her free hand, attempting to clarify. "my husband --" if you could even call him that "he wanted children so very badly that at some point, i believed i did as well. it was never part of my plan nor is it now, but when you spend so long being pushed to have children, i dunno." she looked at jesse, placing her free hand on his head now as if sympathizing with him for listening to her. "it still sometimes feels like i should want children. i was close to having one many times, so i guess the sentimental portion of potential motherhood still sticks with me even now." they do say that you never know what it's like to be a mother until you are one, and alecis lived on the cusp of that every day. it showed sometimes in the way she babied her youngest ditto, but she didn't care to recognize that - instead enjoying the way it seemed to eat up the attention.[break][break]
"we all have our struggles, or some kumbaya shit." tss. the cigarette was nearing its end already and she went to dig for one of her own, offering it to jesse after lighting it on the fire.[break][break]
"so tell me, what are yours?"

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@jesse

the silence of the fire was deafening. every crackle accentuated the way that jesse had to pause and take breaths between painful memories and thoughts. it was physically painful to alecis to hear him call his mother violent and then turn back on it, as if trying so hard to remember something differently for the sake of preserving the cherished memories of someone who had once been so important to him. a dull ache was harbored in her chest and she did her best to not let the tears in her eyes fall, instead rubbing them away with the back of her free hand with a yawn as an excuse for them.[break][break]
"you're a sap," she replied shakily at his heartfelt compliment, her hand under his own turning upwards to hold his fingers loosely. it was a non-invasive way to approach holding him, allowing him to hold her back. "if you're trying to make me cry, i'm going to stop inviting you out," alecis joked - not trying to exactly lighten the mood but also trying not to get buried deep in the weight of his words. despite her constant jokes about their ages, she had all the time in the world to process what he meant and how much it meant to her -- how much he meant to her.[break][break]
"your ma, though. that's really rough." no shit. alecis knew this was lacking in depth, but she was a bit at a loss of even oxygen with the way the cigarette ate at her lungs and she felt the walls of her chest cave in with fought-down sobs. "while not everyone has similar trauma or moments of sadness, i'd like to think that between people with relationships like us -- there is no real contest of who has the deeper story or not. i'm sorry that happened to you." the lavender trainer offered the cigarette fully to jesse now, to try and free up her hand that was holding it. [break][break]
"your mom likely couldn't take not being able to raise you as she thought you deserve. i'm sure your mom is real proud of who you've come out to be regardless of everything - your dad too. look at you, you're even here tolerating my sob story despite having your own to share."

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@jesse

this was a moment of bonding between the two. it was also a moment of healing, alecis supposed. the first step she needed was to let go, for sure - for jesse, however, he seemed formidable in the face of his own ordeals and comfortable in sharing his experiences. it almost made alecis jealous, if not unwilling to let such a touching moment be marred by such a negative feeling. “so like fate?” she asked, a half-smirk on her countenance as she wrapped an arm loosely over the man’s side. the more he leaned into her, the more she pulled him close and held him comfortably as if it were an everyday occurrence. [break][break]

“i don’t believe in that kinda thing, you know?” she admitted, but she did start to wonder. “i just am glad that we did end up where we are.” being with each other felt right, though not permanent. something made alecis mourn the future, although one should normally be hopeful and enjoying the moment. as jesse lived for every moment, alecis was very much so a pessimist and could already feel herself wanting to dig her claws deeper into the blonde in an almost possessive manner. that was dangerous and made her want to push him away, knowing very well she still needed time to get rid of some toxic traits of hers from the fear of losing and retaining all at once. even so, she held jesse gently, appreciatively. [break][break]

maybe she could live in this moment, at least.[break][break]

“you know, we should probably get something to eat before the gang ends up rebelling.” uncharacteristically shy, alecis looked up towards the dittos that were now propelling from the ceiling - happily cooing at each other. “did you want anything in specific? i’ll treat you out for letting me take your time.”

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@jesse

almost as if caught in a shoujo anime, alecis was frozen in time - one hand to her cheek. what exactly had happened? jesse left her asking that question a lot, really - even moreso lately now that they were spending more and more time together whether it be by force or choice.[break]
"ah -!" alecis called out, almost toppling over jesse in a clumsy attempt to regain her consciousness by catching her ditto, instead wrapping her arms around his waist to catch herself from falling as she collided with him gently. "ah," she repeated, slowly pulling herself away after making the same damn noise a peanut-covered baby made on a viral video. rubbing her face with both hands now, alecis pulled herself together fully and sighed deeply. she was greatly embarrassed at showing just how touch starved she was, though she wasn't exactly so in the way that she was looking to be touched or given any kind of attention. when it did come to her, however, she was left hopeless just like that moment, laughing softly as she hooked an arm into jesse's own and started to parade them away as she called her other dittos to follow along. the amorphous pokemon trickled down onto the ground like water, reforming and following their trainer with happy chants of their name.[break]
"have you ever had magikarp? if you avoid looking at the face, it makes it a lot easier to eat - it's good, really." there were other options, but this one came to mind first. rattling off some other foods like curries and the like, alecis found herself eager and excited, leaning into jesse with a wide smile on her face - one grateful for his company and patience.

⚰︎ divider made by milky!

@jesse