knox does not like hospitals. sam knows this. knox knows that sam knows this, and that's why he's trying to be on his best behavior right now. that's why he's trying very hard to stop his hands from shaking and for his grimace to show. but the sounds and the smells and the stupid lights and the too-clean walls are a lot. 

they're walking down a corridor and it all looks the same because this is where they put the people who are going to die. knox was in a bed like this one, once upon a time. 

at least that had been his choice. 

sam didn't ask for this. sam's mom didn't ask for this. and yet they're here and everything fucking sucks. so knox frowns extra hard at the apologies, even though he knows sam doesn't think he's selfish for feeling the pressure, for feeling the anxiety.

he stokes his cheeks with his thumbs and says, in a far more measured voice than he thought currently capable, "don't worry about me. i got you, okay?"

samuel carter

☉

[attr="class","sunandstars2"]

[attr="class","sunandstarsw"]

"and i you, my stars." sam reminds him before moving to give him a hug. it's silly, it's small, but it means so much to him.[break][break]

"but i know that you hate places like this just as much as i do."[break][break]

terrible times. he'd once done a mission with a man who soon became his shrink for a short time where he'd gotten locked in an elevator and had a panic attack due to his claustrophobia all within a hospital. and before that? times like this back when they didn't know if his mother would or wouldn't make it.[break][break]

but knox has the same worries and same hates toward this place. different events, same uncontrollable urge to disassociate. his own hands shake as he tries to hold knox tight, face turning into the crook of his boyfriend's neck, brows furrowed.[break][break]

a deep breath in, he holds. a few seconds later he leans back and slowly releases.[break][break]

"okay," he tells himself as he looks into knox' eyes. "i can do this."[break][break]

he's fearlessly stepped up to the plate to kill countless individuals. and yet this is what brings the ferryman to doubt himself. this is what he truly fears.[break][break]

loss of his loved ones.[break][break]

this is why he doesn't love easily. this is why he keeps people at arms length. [break][break]

"want a piggy back ride?" to most it would be a joke, but sam means it seriously. "to help our nerves?"[break][break]

his hands can't shake if he's holding knox' weight, and knox always feels better if he's being carried; or so sam remembers.

[attr="class","sunandstarst"]

knox prescott

my stars. his lips quirk. what'll sam's mom think of their pet names for each other? actually, as soon as he thinks that, he has some idea. sam's spoken about her so much knox feels like he has already met her. his nerves betray him, smile twinging. 

knox knows he's not joking. and he knows sam wouldn't ask him the question if he weren't asking for himself. he's never cared much about looking ridiculous so he nods and sidles behind sam. hands come up over his shoulders, draping over his front, and a soft hmm is all the warning he gives before he jumps up onto sam's back.

"and now you've got me," he says cheerily, chin propping on sam's shoulder. 

samuel carter

☉

[attr="class","sunandstars2"]

[attr="class","sunandstarsw"]

it was all he needed, something to hold and to care for. something to bring gravity to his mind and anchor him into the reality of now.[break][break]

his mother was dying, yes. his mother would be gone, yes. he had per-mourned her on the way, really. now? now he could focus on their meeting and just how perfect it would be despite it not going to the sam-plan he'd conjured in his head.[break][break]

"and you've got me." wrapped around him like this? nobody else had him the way knox did, not even his own mother.[break][break]

speaking of, he takes the steps needed to head to her door. she's sitting on the bed and she's scolding the television.[break][break]

"don't do that it's salt!" she laughs, beaming at the show that's meant to make fun of people who bake in mediocrity trying to do professional work. "oh gods, it's gonna come out awful!"[break][break]

sam is not phased or surprised that she hasn't noticed them. he simply walks into the room more, which finally gets her attention. she seems spooked, like she's seen a ghost. machines around her ding and blip to show her change in heart rate, her excitement, and she quickly throws her hands into the air with abandon.[break][break]

"samuel?!" she reels, giving off his full name without much thought. "and is this knox??? hugs!" her fingers beckon them closer, plucking into the air, all five of them. "group hugs, please please???"[break][break]

without a second thought, sam obeys, moving over to wrap his mother up in a hug. she's a bear when she takes them into her arms, squeezing the life out of them; she can't possibly be as weak as they say, she's still got her iron grip of unchanging love.

[attr="class","sunandstarst"]

knox prescott

knox beholds her. he beholds the mother he never had, the mother he's always wanted, and the mother he will never have. something gets caught in his throat and he blinks rapidly when his eyes smart, that meticulous mask crawling up his smile, stopping just under his eyes. luckily sam can't see. 

some of that light does flicker, though, when she says samuel and knox thinks holy fuck, i wonder what he'd do if i call him samuel?

but he's gonna save that one for later, because the reaction he's hoping for isn't appropriate and anyway he can't get any words out because sam is walking closer and he's being hugged and he's never really been hugged before. hugged by boyfriends and lovers and sam, but to be loved like this is foreign.

"hi, ms carter," he says with wide blue eyes. "glad we could finally come see you."

samuel carter

☉

[attr="class","sunandstars2"]

[attr="class","sunandstarsw"]

"ew," she argues immediately before letting them go with a laugh and making a face. "who is ms. carter?"[break][break]

her tease has sam leaning up and away, so that she can see knox properly. he twists enough to set knox down on the bed, sitting beside him and just holding her hand.[break][break]

"he's being polite." which wasn't a surprise but sam also didn't think he needed to be, because...[break][break]

"well that's just silly. i want you to be yourself." she explains, looking to knox with a warm smile. "i don't want the only meeting we have to be fake, or false. i don't have enough time left for that. so, just be you, okay? and i'll just be me."[break][break]

and we now see where sam gets his ability to speak his mind.

[attr="class","sunandstarst"]

knox prescott

so this is why sam's a weirdo. something about that single, dumb little thought makes the rest of the ice around knox melt. she's plain and frank and quite honestly, he loves it. he feels like he knows her - like he's known her. 

because he kind of has, through sam. 

so he allows himself to be drawn into the hug and, more than that, he gives her a squeeze back. he marvels at the warmth and finds he doesn't really know when to pull back. when he hugs sam, they tend to stick like that with each other for a while. 

"so you don't think my real self is polite?" he says with a lopsided smile and thinks, yes, now is an appropriate time to pull away. 

"but got it. i'll be me and you'll be you. and sam will be sam."

samuel carter

☉

[attr="class","sunandstars2"]

[attr="class","sunandstarsw"]

"well, what other choice do i have?" sam watches the two of them, making room for knox on the bed by scooting closer to his mother.[break][break]

she makes room for them both, but sam has to help her move. he does, and she is scooted a bit, and she lets out a small huff.[break][break]

"that's the spirit. now, tell me all about you two. i wanna hear it all."[break][break]

and so they do. they talk about them, how they met. sam doesn't leave out details either. his mother hears about how he froze a man and made his glalie eat them. his mother just shakes her head and makes sure to ask if they deserved it, if they're alright now. he's sure to explain they are. that he and knox' sister have made sure they're all safe.[break][break]

by the end, she's exhausted and asleep. sam's gotten out of the bed and headed out of the room with knox to get something to eat. because she's sleeping and he thinks, what if she doesn't wake?[break][break]

so he keeps his hand in knox' and then looks to him with curious gold eyes.[break][break]

"first impression?"

[attr="class","sunandstarst"]

knox prescott

knox is not as forthcoming with the gory details, but sam complements him in that way. so he's left to just watch her absorb the information. she takes it in such stride that knox thinks, lovingly, they're both insane. 

after, when they're walking out, knox is a little distant. a little quiet. his mouth is small, pressed in a thin line because he's thinking so hard. it takes him a second to realize sam is talking to him. and looking at him. he blinks and gives sam's hand a squeeze. 

honestly, he says. "i'm upset we don't have more time."

samuel carter

☉

[attr="class","sunandstars2"]

[attr="class","sunandstarsw"]

"...so am i."[break][break]

sam feels exactly the same. like he's somehow failed knox in not bringing him sooner to meet her. like he's failed his mother in not getting knox there to meet her sooner. but how could he? things were busy, after all.[break][break]

life moves on and those not in direct flow of another's life get swept away. connection keeps these lives connected but only those by one's side can walk the same path of life. it is inevitable, he knows this.[break][break]

yet, he regrets. it's not something he's used to feeling. guilt rests with the regret and sam finds strength in squeezing knox' hand.[break][break]

"we may not have an abundance of time, so the time we do have is precious. i'm not sure she'll survive the night. she's acting fine because we're here, but the readings aren't good."[break][break]

he knows them well enough from previous charts and an abundance of reading. there are such things in life as miracles and a professional opinion, but sam knows them well enough.[break][break]

"thank you for coming with me. i wouldn't be coherent if you weren't here to keep me anchored to reality."

[attr="class","sunandstarst"]

knox prescott

"me? anchoring you to reality?" knox reaches up to fiddle with some of sam's hair. he presses down a spiky part of it. they'd slept a little weird on the boat ride over and his bedhead had never really gone away. under any other circumstance, it would have been enough for knox to pepper him with kisses and tug playfully on the locks. 

instead he smooths them down and the grim reaper tells him of their misfortune. 

"we'll stay at the hospital tonight then. i'm sure i can charm a nurse to get us some blankets or something." he hesitates and touches a pokeball at his hip. "i know it's kinda dumb and the doctors are prob'ly doing all they can, but would blue help?"

sam's seen her aqua ring pass over knox's nose on a handful of occasions. it could at least ease some of her suffering. 

samuel carter

☉

[attr="class","sunandstars2"]

[attr="class","sunandstarsw"]

those soft touches are enough to melt sam into a thousand pliable pieces. he watches the movement to knox' hip, then nods.[break][break]

"i'm sure at this point they have, and we've tried every alternative method... but i don't mind easing the pain. i've brought aether and persephone for the same reason."[break][break]

the two are tucked away on his own belt. sam moves a hand to caress knox' elbow, a show of thanks; mostly an excuse to use that touch as an anchor.[break][break]

"i'll ask her if she minds, but i'm sure she won't. we can run her a bath and do a few treatments there."[break][break]

and definitely ask the doctors. he doubted they'd deny them the wish; at this point, his mother could ask for the floor to be completely cleared and they'd likely try and do so.

[attr="class","sunandstarst"]

knox prescott

"i saw you pack them," he says with a nod. hell, is this really the end? it seems so awful to waste away like this. and she's doing it with a damn smile on her face. loss is a funny thing for knox. he's never really lost anyone. 

well, except for ollie.

"anything i can do to help." sam moves in closer and knox knows that means he's looking for support. despite the somber air, he manages a soft smile. how far they've come. how special it makes knox feel to know sam will only gravitate to him like this.

"c'mon. let's get you some food and coffee."

samuel carter

☉