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Frustration seeped in, and Lam frowned. Nothing was the point. He just kept missing it. It was probably too late and he was too taxed to make full sense of everything. But he couldn’t leave it alone. He couldn’t sit and stew in this with how awful it made him feel. Being at odds with Rook made him feel like he was crawling out of his skin. Restless and panicked and impulsive.[break][break]
Then the clarification came and Lam sighed, eyes sliding shut. Of course. It should’ve been obvious the way it came back around to that. It wasn’t as if he didn’t understand that fear, obviously. “Yeah, I remember,” he replied quietly, “And yeah, of course I’d be upset if you kept on going out. But it’s not a matter of you asking me to give something up, though. It’s not like..” he trailed, another long breath exhaling from his chest. “This isn’t just a matter of starting or stopping something, you know? It doesn’t matter if I want to go, it’s an obligation.”[break][break]
A beat passed, “And I don’t want to go waste my time on a random island, for the record,” he added, a bit sulkily.[break][break]
Lam shook his head, still bundled up in his blankets. Though he still didn’t look Rook’s way, at least that wet, cloying feeling like he was on the verge of crying had seemed to pass. “I know I don’t have to, Rook. I know you’ve survived a lot and can take care of yourself,” he retorted, something sharpening in his voice, though it was a far cry from anger, or even irritation. “But I don’t want you to feel like you have to keep surviving with me. I want you to feel safe.” He huffed. “Whatever. It’s stupid.”[break][break]
A whine crawled up his throat as the hiding place his covers provided were cruelly yanked away. He rolled on his back only for his big, sad eyes to be met with a foul look. “B–” a pillow collided with his face, smothering the babbling that wanted to follow. He tugged it away and gripped the corner before swinging it back at Rook. “What was I supposed to think?” he insisted, voice warping petulantly. “You didn’t talk to be for hours, and then you said it wasn’t enough!”[break][break]
It made sense to him, exhausted as he was, that it would be the worst case scenario. He’d feel stupid for it in the morning, probably. But right now in the heat of the moment, it felt like a real and pressing worry.

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Staying silent had been the right option, in hindsight. Because right then, talking about it, did nothing but make him more upset and stubborn. The truth was that Lam probably couldn't alleviate his worries because it was an inability of himself to let go. To accept danger when he himself didn't care about anyone else. Lam had this shiny idea of who he was but it wasn't real. Rook would have done anything for pokemon, but he was inherently selfish. It was his nature. He didn't care about saving people that weren't important to him.
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Rook rolled his eyes, "Yes, yes. I'm sure." He forced himself to stay silent, before he said anything too biting. Before he let his selfishness diminish Lam in its effort to cling to this illusion of safety.
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"I do feel safe, Lam. Right now, always. I don't need you galivanting off into the horizon like some kind of hero or whatever." It didn't sit well with him that Lam thought it was necessary to do that, for him. Like he was to weak and fearful to fight for Lam or himself. Maybe a part of him resented that, in himself, for not doing more. For not following Lam into those fights.
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He grabbed the pillow as it was swung back, taking advantage of the fact that Lam was down an arm. He pulled it and chucked it aside. The response bit at a soft spot. "So silence is only okay when you do it?" That time he snapped. "Lam, you are the king of shutting down under pressure. So, forgive me for trying to process things in silence. I'm sorry it made you feel guilty."
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Rook pressed his face into his hands, trying not to exhale on a broken breath. He hated this. He hated it. He was an awful boyfriend. It wasn't Lam's fault, it was his. And now it was his fault for making Lam upset on top of it all after just having his arm broken.

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Nothing he said was working. He could feel that helpless agitation creep in again. Why couldn’t he say anything right? Contrary to Rook’s belief, Lam didn’t think Rook was weak in the slightest. But he fell silence as Rook continued to protest.[break][break]
The snap made him wince back, and he shook his head–frustrated. “No, that’s not what I meant. It’s just, that’s not usually what happens, so it caught me off guard. You can process how you want to.” He just hadn’t expected it, hadn’t seen this sort of response coming because Rook was normally so loud in how he felt.[break][break]
But it had made him feel that much more guilty, hadn’t it? Or really, it only exacerbated a guilt that had already existed, because he’d known the second he’d gotten hurt that it wouldn’t go over well, and maybe he should have just disengaged with Theo like he had with the others. Not that he could go back and undo it, or had even had the time in the moment. But he would have, if it spared them this.[break][break]
Suddenly, though, it felt like this reaction might have come on his return whether he’d had a broken arm or a minor cut. He didn’t understand, he couldn’t read the thoughts that ran through Rook’s mind–especially not in the current moment, but something about Rook’s resilience and his frustration seemed to go beyond what was presented. It didn’t feel like he was about to understand exactly what was going on. Maybe he wouldn’t just yet.[break][break]
If he didn’t want to turn this into an even bigger argument, he’d have to be okay with that for now. He realized that when Rook crumpled in on himself, hands hiding away his face. It made Lam’s chest ache, and he tried to tamp down the guilt again. He didn’t want this fight, his justifications quieted.[break][break]
With a grunt, Lam pulled himself upright. A task that proved more difficult than he’d thought. The hours that had passed and actually slowing down for the first time in a few days gave his muscles time to catch up and stiffen as he’d been laying there. But he scooted along the side of the bed regardless of the effort it required until his thigh bumped into Rook’s. His body threatened to sag on contact, but he held himself carefully in place, fully prepared to back off if he was told to.[break][break]
Carefully, using his good hand, Lam smooth over Rook’s hair and then cupped his face, leaning in so that their foreheads pressed together. “It’s okay,” he murmured, shifting again so that his arm could slide down and turn Rook’s body inward toward him. Wrap his arms around him the way he’d wanted to from the start. Even if the plastered one was clumsy as it thumped lightly against Rook’s back.[break][break]
“I’m dumb, I know.” It was more of a consoling coo than true self-deprecation. Soothing agreement. “You’re dating a big dummy. But he loves you.” His chin tucked against the curve of the other’s shoulder. “You’re okay. It’s okay.” He didn’t know what else to say, but that.

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"I get tired of being emotional all the time." He shrugged, knowing that Lam had a point. They both had their systems of handling things. Lam got quiet and processed things that way. Meanwhile, Rook was dramatic and emotional. Of course, Lam's silence always cut, one way or another. So maybe that was a grudging desire to do the same. A "look how you make me feel" sort of reaction. It was selfish and mean-spirited, but it did the job.
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They so rarely fought though so none of this was exactly normal for them. There was no defined response to things, regardless of Rook's proclivity towards breaking down into tears over every stupid thing. This was simply a different situation.
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The truth wasn't that Lam got hurt and Rook was mad. That felt like such a shallow reasoning. He loved that Lam was brave and valiant and he helped people. It was just a feeling of being left behind in the process. He was useless, in the end. Nothing he did would ever help Lam. He'd never be there to save him. It was always the other way around.
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Just like he always did, in the end, he fell apart.
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And there was Lam to comfort him when he was the one that was hurt. Rook felt ridiculously stupid for all of it. None of this needed to happen. Still, he curled up against him, until he was small. "I'm sorry, I don't know why..." He shook his head, palmed the wetness from his eyes. "I don't need you to save me, Lam. I just need you to be okay, alright?" The problem was there was so preventing that. He sat back and sighed. "I'm sorry... for getting upset."

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There wasn’t really any getting used to this. Lam much preferred their usual harmony, the easy understanding they typically had of one another. Rook’s method had hurt, but he’d sent the message. In a weird way, Lam thought it was almost better to feel the raw sting of it. The sharp feeling of consequence that told him this hurt because it was Rook and he wasn’t numb to the impact he had. What he meant to Lam. What he would always mean if the ache never diminished.[break][break]
“Guess that makes sense.” He wasn’t sure he bought it. But it didn’t matter.[break][break]
Lam didn’t understand the intricacy behind Rook’s upset. Didn’t understand that it came from a feeling of inadequacy or uselessness. If he’d known, he would’ve understood—a familiar fear and anxiety born from the lack of desire to let others down. But it was what made it difficult in relinquishing control of himself. Of offering those vulnerabilities.[break][break]
Even when he struggled to accept weakness, Rook had been there. Pulled him through it and coaxed him out of it. Perhaps if he’d known, he could say that he’d never leave him behind. That he’d always find his way back to him, hand in hand. That Rook was always saving him, all the time, every day.[break][break]
He nodded, accepting it for what it was. “Alright, I hear you. I’m listening.” It wasn’t an exasperated agreement by any means, but still a tired one. The desire to let go of his own stubborn feelings on the matter won out. “It’s okay,” a weak smile flickered across his mouth. “I’m sorry I was being thick skulled.” He couldn’t exactly change the parts of himself that felt compelled to protect and help. He wasn’t sure he wanted to.[break][break]
But he could learn to concede. To not cling so tightly to his own justifications.[break][break]
Decidedly done with being upright again, he fell backward against their bed. Back thumping against the blankets in a way that made him feel like he wanted to sink into the softness and let it swallow him up. Wincing at the thrum of pain as his cast jostled. Good arm having still been looped around Rook, Lam tugged him down in the process, inadvertently pulling him down on top of him. A familiar, comfortable weight.[break][break]
“I missed you, you know,” he murmured. His fingers glided along the lines of Rook’s face– his brows, the slope of his nose, his lips. Under the curve of his eyes, swiping away any remnants of tears on his lashes. “The whole time, I was just waiting to come back to you.”[break][break]
Palm cradling his face, Lam guided him down to capture his lips with his own. A lazy sort of kiss, but with a heaviness to it—one that bore all of his relief and the weight of the remorse he felt for causing Rook distress. All of the things he struggled to say with words pressed there to hopefully be understood.[break][break]
“And now I’m home.” The tension finally shuddered away. Easing out of aching shoulders and expelled in a sigh against Rook’s mouth. A part of him felt like crying like a child, though his breath didn’t crumple into sobs. A few tears slipped from the corners of damp eyes.[break][break]
Another breath.[break][break]
His hand fell away, dragging down the other’s spine in a way he knew was soothing to Rook. Settling on the angle of one hip bone as Lam looked up at him. Green eyes searching his face in the gloom of their bedroom for any lingering signs of dissatisfaction. Desperate to find it in the brightness of the eyes looking back at him.[break][break]
“Are we done fighting?” he asked, voice pitifully hopeful. “Will you come back to bed now?” Not that he really had the desire to let Rook go if he protested, evidenced by the curl of his fingers into shirt fabric.

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It was irrational, this whole thing.
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Guilt welled up just as quickly as his somber temper had lashed out. Now, he wasn't sure what to do with himself. There was nothing simple about his emotions. They were usually erratic at best and it wasn't Lam's fault that he couldn't control them. It probably was wrong to change his usual tactics, like a mean punishment. Rook was silent, sulking. Lam tugged him down until they were both splayed over the blankets. He didn't react immediately, instead he watched Lam. The soft warmth of light on his skin and the curves of his face. He was so pretty, it wasn't fair. Even when he was all banged up.
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"Missed you too." He whispered.
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The kiss was lazy, but sweet. Immediately, he felt himself sigh and grow soft. All that resistance fled him immediately. All his fears were swallowed and his feelings of uselessness were temporarily muffled. They would return, of course, the second that Lam returned to duty to fight someone else's battles.
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He didn't like that, but there was nothing he'd do to stop it.
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With another sigh, he pushed up a little to wipe the tears from Lam's eyes. A hand passed down his spine, stealing the stiffness away. "Yeah, we are. I can't stay mad at you." He grumbled, somewhat disapproving of such simple dismissal. "I'm already in bed, dummy."

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Lam could feel Rook begin to relax as well, and the knot in his chest eased. Like a storm finally breaking and passing overhead. “I love you,” he muttered, unable to help himself as the words tumbled out. “I’ll be more considerate.” His fingers smoothed through Rook’s hair, repetitively. “You make me better, you know?” The guilt and unease with the conflict that he felt would probably take a few days to fully ebb away, but he meant it.[break][break]
His arm squeezed a little tighter around Rook’s middle when he relinquished what had remained of his anger. Another sigh of relief followed, his face leaning into the hand that had reached to wipe at his eyes, which had fluttered shut at the touch. A soft smile flit across his lips, “I’m glad,” he murmured, impervious to Rook’s own grumbling, “it felt terrible.”[break][break]
Being at odds with Rook was one of the worst feelings, he decided. And maybe this was an issue that would take a little longer to come to an understanding on, but he was grateful for the return of at least some peace between them. “But you won’t leave and go back to the couch?” It felt all wrong, with half the bed empty.[break][break]
One eye cracked open and he watched Rook for a moment before he leaned up to press more kisses against his face in an attempt to steal away that disapproving look. “How’s this sound:“ he started as he settled against the bed again, hand seeking out Rook’s to line their fingers up, palm to palm. “I keep the gym closed the next few days,” his voice twisted with a somewhat persuasive lilt as his hand shifted to lace their fingers together. Together.[break][break]
“And we don’t go anywhere unless we want to, and you get me all to yourself?” His brows rose and fell, and he nestled himself closer to Rook, as if that were even possible.

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