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Recovery was hell. It always felt like hell.[break][break]

Between the leg wound that he had gotten in interrogation, the chest pain, and all the bandages and lost Pokemon, Ashley wasn't do anything for awhile. In fact, the doctor had even stated how he was going to need time to recover. Three months or so.[break][break]

Where'd they hear that before? The irony of the moment just has him wince. Usually he bounces back, but for awhile, he's using a cane to walk around while his leg actually heals. And as for the chest pain, the bandages keep getting traded out.[break][break]

Still... even in secret, even if everything is so broken and stupid, and terrible, and worse... he still couldn't let go of Kep. Ashley doesn't know why he puts up with it. How hard he broke the promise. How much pain he put Kep through. Ashley really was the worst.[break][break]

Heart attacks regularly.[break][break]

But the idea to find the Galarian Zapdos that Kep had been so intrigued by, Ashley would keep his eyes on the cams. He can't go on the field like he'd want, but he can help his definitely-not-fiancee-fiancee, and look for the bird. He plays it at three-times speed.[break][break]

"Not so far." He turns his head back, seeing a little Skwovet scurry around with a big mouth full of nuts.[break][break]

Ashley isn't amused. Not completely with it. His facial expression darkens at the squirrel. "We'll find him." He reassures, holding a hand out for Kep and smiling softly. Even if he did feel like he didn't deserve to even smile at him with what he put Kep through.

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There it is.[break][break]

The facade he made crumbles. Ashley's eyes, dark and sunken, can only look back. There's no way he can, or would, talk his way out of this. It was a long time coming.[break][break]

"We do."[break][break]

His heart sinks further, and his eyes move away, darting towards. "Go ahead," call me stupid. Call me an idiot. Call me the biggest asshole. All of it was true.[break][break]

Ashley didn't want to be a punching bag. But right now, with everything he'd put Kepler through, he lets himself get at the ready for each one. No running, no putting it off any longer. Nothing could fix this. The only thing they could do was pick up the pieces. Whatever was left.

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There's no smug smarmy comment to make there. There's not even the deep-rooted sadness, it's just... expected. That's the worst part. Ash knew this talk was coming. He could see it a mile away.[break][break]

How many times had this been? Some grandstanding act of defiance that left less and less of him. That heroic grindset that continued to widdle him to nothing but the scarlet-soaked dust. Meteno, he nearly dies for the sake of Rocket. The Ultra Sea war, he nearly dies three separate times from a grudge... and now, he literally did die. In Kep's own words, the favorite little Meowth just gets run over.[break][break]

The shard of a crown have him remember that happiness does exist. But it's so muddied up by the war, by the internalized philosophy, that it cannot exist as it is.[break][break]

But right now... Ash can't help but look dead on the outside, and let the words tear into him. He gave his all to try to save jayden cross. And he fucking died a second there. He followed Isaac Merlo into hell. And he fucking died a second there. User error can only compensate so much, but it's shittier... knowing he was really just living for other people.[break][break]

Kep's words cut like a scalpel on an artery, and bloodlets it all out. When did he last do something for himself? When did he ever live for himself? Did he ever? The answer sits in front of him, wearing the engagement ring, for all that was worth now. He wanted Kepler. From that first sushi date, to the Valentine's desserts, to that trick or treat night, to the ice skating. He wanted him, he wanted to be that.[break][break]

And now. He fucked that up too.[break][break]

"I-" he stumbles first. He tries to speak. Taking a step reminds him that he has the cane in his hand, and knowing that just makes it worse. Holding his hand shows the scars, a physical showing of the damage he'd done to himself.[break][break]

... when did he ever live for himself?[break][break]

He's never done that. Even now, he was thinking of ways to get revenge, to kill declan walsh, save Jay from himself, and make things better. But the goliath stands tall, and this David was barely even alive.[break][break]

"..." he's quiet, silver hair so messy, covering his face. He should be smarter than this. He's an idiot. A dumbass. Certified ass. And all he can do is clinch his fists. "I'm-" How well Kepler just dismantles and rips him apart, leaving him breathless and wordless. He's not crying. Worse.[break][break]

His pupils shrink, and he's smiling. His silver eyes prick in tears, and his heart snaps. With it, the realization that every time he had ever been happy and selfish, has been with-[break][break]

"I'm sorry."[break][break]

He can feel the Meowth truly has his tongue now. All he can say is sorry? All he can do is apologize?[break][break]

Relationships can really get messy sometimes. They can twist in a way that makes it hard to comprehend what way is up. It's something Ashley hates. But even hard times make the heart grow fonder. He only hopes that he didn't fuck it up too hard.[break][break]

"I've been pathetic, huh?" self-deprecation exits his lips, as he can feel himself trying to find anything to hold onto, any verbal foothold to get on, but grabbing towards his face... the walls come down.[break][break]

When it came down to it... the one good thing in his life, was the thing he was most selfish about.[break][break]

That's when he breaks fully. "Kep-" his eyes are watering, waterfalls flood his face, as his smile disintegrates.[break][break]

"I don't know how" to live for myself.[break][break]

Fuck, man.

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Kepler is justified. Every wall torn down now, even through tears, Ashley knows. Because Kepler needs to let it out. How many times did he ever ask to throw his life away? To let himself burn out on a hope that tomorrow, maybe Jay can come back to being friends again? Maybe Isaac can not have his own heroic complex? No. He never once asked. In this partnership, Ashley didn't abide to him.[break][break]

In a way, despite how selfless he had been for them, he had been selfish in another way. The nuance isn't lost.[break][break]

So when Kep squeaks out the confirmation, and with a wave of wrath, Ashley's soaked face can only watch, his ears can only listen. The shrieking, it hurts, but Ashley can't help but stand there and take it. He has a backbone, but in that moment, it's almost as if justice is being served. He'd been so shit, he just let it hit him. He lets it stab into him. It's what he deserves.[break][break]

Except no. That thinking is wrong, and it's exactly to the point of the problem Kep pointed out. His life. An afterthought. From the moment he was born, given away to an orphanage from a mother who couldn't and a father who didn't want him. His life was an afterthought to a broken system, a foster care of fathers in league to make him suffer. All his life, he thought of himself as an afterthought, because that's what they thought of him. Expendable...[break][break]

Kep's pacing, his words... has him look at the ring on his finger. He asked him. Months ago, when Rocket was the only thing on his mind, but the trouble and tremble had taken root.[break][break]

What hurts the most... isn't the scream. It's the way Kepler cries. It has Ash buckle inwardly. And the moment that finger jabs his forehead, they... kiss. The words to learn, to live by. Stop saying he doesn't know, and do. Learn by doing, stop acting like everyone else's problems are his, they aren't.[break][break]

Don't follow them into hell, and have a standard.[break][break]

And with that kiss, Ashley's hands tremble, as he pulls Kep closer. Fuck... all that breaking down of the wall protecting himself, and all Ashley can do is crumble and hold Kepler tighter... a guy who can kick his ass, and love him all the same.[break][break]

He brushes the tears out of Kepler's eyes, and breaks the kiss sooner than later, pressing his forehead to his.[break][break]

"I'll never forget that." He makes sure Kep can feel the engagement ring on his finger on his cheek. As he adjusts himself now, seated down on the ground, he tries to smile, pulling Kepler with him.[break][break]

"Nothing you said is wrong." Love is a learning process. Tender, frightening, exciting, debilitating. "I've got a lot of shit I need to really work through," he laments, closing his eyes. He just lets his breathing calm himself down. It's a pathetic, mousy little action, but as he quiets himself down to just to the inhale and exhale, he chimes in finally.[break][break]

"I'm going to be a little selfish... okay?" He grabs Kepler's hands, places them in front of himself. He laces fingers into his. He stays in close.[break][break]

"Stay with me for a bit. Like this." He doesn't need the kisses. He doesn't need a 'I love you'. All he needs, right now, is to let Kepler cry, like he has been. The hint of the smile... they needed to find Chocobo. They would find Chocobo.[break][break]

Because Ashley was done with this revenge shit.[break][break]

He lets it go.

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Ashley doesn't need to say it back. He hopes in his actions now, right here, right bundled together it shows that. But hearing him say that, even with all the pain he'd caused Kepler, it let him feel a little better.[break][break]

Hands run through his hair, and he can hear Kep's voice break. "I love you too." He can't help but say it back, fuck. He needed this. That feeling, ever since he came back, felt like he had fucked it up entirely. But now, hands crumbled into his hair, he responds. "More than you could ever know."[break][break]

The threat isn't met on deaf ears... especially since it's easy that Kep means it. He'd die himself before Ashley, and that's not happening, so... as he kisses again, and again, trying to find forehead, cheek, neck, lips. To assure Kepler that he's staying alive. He's not gonna ever let it come to that again.[break][break]

"Guess you're stuck with me then." He pulls one of Kep's hands back to him, to his lips, and he kisses it. The one that would wear the ring, and he smiles through his tear-soaked face, through dumb sobs.[break][break]

"... wanna stay here a bit longer?" Assuming he isn't out in the parking lot of the complex.

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Between a half-kiss, half-sob, a little of this, a little of that, the sass turns to a giggle, and Ashley can see it in Kep's eyes. Whatever hell they were just going through... it was done.[break][break]

"As long as you'll have me. Kepler Shepard-" he kisses again, shit it's intoxicating. To just be like this. With no fear of Rocket, no pain of loss driving him, or forcing him to improve. He felt content in that moment... before his eyes move to the trailcam equipment.[break][break]

And an idea.[break][break]

A little dirty idea, anyways. "We got trailcam to sit through... would be a lot easier to sit through if you stayed on my lap like this?" Just cuddle. No need to do anything more. They had a big Galarian Zapdos to find, and Ash would stop at nothing to find them. This Chocobo.

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The wooly coat presses into Ash, and Ash can feel that warmth again. Ever since his run in with jayden cross, he'd felt a coldness that permeated the air between them. Like he fucked up. And well, he did. Ashley had this weird tendency, this lack of self-worth, this painpoint that probably made Kepler's life more and more like a hell that never ended.[break][break]

In truth, Ashley assumed the worst was coming. He was preparing. But feeling the warmth of his fiancee in his arms, he tightens his grip. Ashley was also a selfish asshole. Even when the world burns, even when he broke himself to pieces, he wanted to hold something tight if he loved it.[break][break]

It may be toxic...[break][break]

But, helping to wipe his love's face, he makes a weak laugh.[break][break]

"Yeah." A memory digs its way into his mind. The look on his face, the happiness he felt at the moment of clarity. That he might be a father, and suddenly... he's crying again?[break][break]

He doesn't get it, but... this was a family. A family he hadn't had in a long, long, long time.[break][break]

"I won't... my queen." Why did he say that? Huh... it felt natural. "Now let's get this 730 hour movie marathon date started." He tries to add some levity into it. Because it was going to be as bad as it could have been... but at least, he had Kepler with him to do it.[break][break]

That would be enough.

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