"Look, I like Remoraid as much as the next guy, but favorite Pokemon?" You repeat, still unable to get over that particular hurdle. "If she'd said something boring like Eevee or Charizard or Gengar, I'd understand. Hell, even if she said some weird shit like Metapod or Swalot, I'd get it! but out of all the creatures in this world, I don't understand why you'd put Remoraid at the top."

Besides, they might be "cute", but they're nowhere near as cute as your Meltan. Remoraid might think in doo-da-doo-doo-da-doo's, but Meltan can sing them. He can even bust out a (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧! Seriously. It's no contest.

Well, no, that's kind of the problem, actually. It was a contest, but not between Remoraid and Meltan. It was between you, Shred Zeppelin, a human person, and her beloved Remoraid, a fish. And judging by the fact that she broke up with you over a text and then blocked your number? It seems like Remoraid kicked your ass. She loved that fish more than she loved you.

WOW, that's depressing. You should move on before that has the chance to set in. Luckily, your clever segue shifted the topic just as planned.

"Are they the same...?"



"...Nah, Unown eyes are circular, while Remoraid's are more of an oval shape. Besides, an Unown is about the size of a Remoraid, but the proportions of their eyeballs are way different, right? They're probably different..."

Huh? What? Where the fuck did that come from? Holy shit. That was insane! Was that like, a symptom? Should be worrying about that? ...Nah, probably not. You're not dead yet, and you're not in immediate pain, either, so you'll be fine. Besides, you've got more important things to worry about than horrible Remnown visions:

"...So, uh, do scientists like that sort of thing?"

---

parker jones
Kq94yPp9

Hm. That's an ominous knuckle crack. Is she trying to pick a fight with you? In response to her threat, your eyes narrow. Normally, you might've let that slide. But things are hardly normal for you right now, are they? So instead, you raise a clenched fist in the direction of Parker, a threat of your own resting on the tip of your tongue--

"Don't do that, Shred."




"...The Letter S...?"

"This is a terrible idea. Think about it: She has two arms, and you have one. You're still recovering from your wounds, while she's close to full strength. And to top it all off, there's no witnesses here, and your miles away from the nearest outpost, and even further from getting proper medical treatment. With that in mind, do you think it's a good idea to fight her?"


"...Okay, I'll concede that it maybe wasn't my best idea. But if I can't fight her, then what the fuck am I supposed to do?"

"Use your words, Shred."




"I see... Okay, good talk."

With that little mental strategy meeting with your Unown out of the way, you widen your eyes, lower your fist, and clear your throat. Alright, time to start this over.

"What? No. Why would I want to fuck your girlfr--"

"No. Try again."




Damn it. Okay, second run, let's go.

"What? No. Think about it, why would I be talking to you, of all people, if I was trying to fuck your girlfr--"

"Please don't."




Fuckin' hell, really? Alright, alright, fine! Third time's the charm...

"What? No. I'm trying to get into a different scientist's pants, but she's WAY out of my league, so I'm talking to you to try and figure out how you did it. I'm absolutely, positively NOT trying to fuck your girlfriend--"

"You should probably just stop that sentence there."




"--."

Well, that was horribly, horribly messy. Here's hoping it was enough to avoid her beating the shit out of you, yeah?

---

parker jones
nU0SvqCg

Somehow, that worked.

Wow. Who knew that just asking people questions directly was more effective than coming up with a roundabout scheme to trick them into giving you an answer? If you'd known she was going to tell you without any resistance, you would've saved yourself this entire trip around the tunnels and just sent Parker to do this on your own. Seriously, your feet are killing you. But hey, good thing that The Letter S clued you in, or else that could've gone really badly.

Oh well. Hindsight is 20/20. All that matters is that you got where you needed to be in the end. Conversationally, anyway. Geographically, you've still got another three or four miles to walk, but you're trying not to worry about that right now. There's bigger fish to fry.

Namely, learning the method. And the way Parker puts it, it sounds so easy. Protect her, be a good listener, and learn to use your tongue. Simple, right? Except your scientist is just as strong as you if not stronger, you've got the attention span of a wild Magikarp, and your linguistic skills are less cunning and more dull.

Besides, you, uh, aren't fully equipped right now. Your diet of modest soups is causing your tongue to atrophy, you're down and out five fingers, and... Well, let's just say that your arm wasn't the only important thing you lost to the flame.

"Okay, cool. That's nice for you. You sound like a very sweet couple! Now, do you have any actually actionable advice?" You ask again, taking care to be more specific in your wording this time around. "Preferably, nothing that involves physical appearance, dexterity and precision, or drastic personality improvement, please."

---

parker jones
pVUCxyjX

"...For real? Like, for real for real?"

Part of this feels like a trap. After all, the last time you tried to hit on a lesbian, it didn't go well. In your defence, you didn't know she was lesbian at the time! That did not spare you from getting chewed out by HR for the better part of an hour. But that and this are different, right? After all, you're not flirting with Parker, but with this presumably bisexual fictional scientist character that Parker is pretending to be. Which is totally different from flirting with a lesbian! Even if it feels just as awkward.

You have to admit, though, that Parker does a pretty decent Nomi impression. Which is unfortunate for you, because a decent Nomi also happens to be a subpar Lulu. Still, you can work with this. Taking a deep breath, you close your eyes. Alright, patch it together. Replace Paradoxes with The Dream Machine, Ketchup with Penrose, Infinity Energy with Tera Energy, imagine that she's in that hot dress she wore at the Christmas Party, annnnnnnd open your eyes!

THIS WAS A HUGE MISTAKE.

Arceus Wept. It's just like the first time you tried talking to Lulu at the laboratory, only FAR worse. At least then, you had the excuse of talking about Terastalisation and the Megalopolans and everything that happened under Route 119. Now? You don't have any of that to hide behind. Fucking hell, why did you have to visualise her being even hotter than usual, too? What was the logic behind that one, dumbass? What, was trying to woo the most beautiful woman in the world not hard enough? Needed to make it harder? It is SO over.

No. No! This is fine. You're Shred Zeppelin. This isn't your first rodeo. You've been around. You know what you're doing, even if you don't think you do. So, clearing your throat, you recall everything you've ever learned about flirting, every ephemeral memory you can muster from your hazy nights in rundown bars and sleazy clubs. And summon it forth:

"Hey babe, nice tits. You want a cigarette?"

...Wow, that's your opener? Huh. You, uh, didn't know that before now. Most of the time, you're too drunk and high to remember what you actually do, but... This is it, huh? This is what you've got. This is "your game". This is who you are? This... This explains a lot about your love life.

"...Holy shit, Parker, I think I'm gonna kill myself."

---

parker jones
OVR87YO1

The moment is mortifying. What you've just performed can only be described as tragedy. How are you ever going to recover? You haven't felt this ashamed of yourself in a long, long, LONG time. You just hit rock bottom so hard that it somehow managed to get even deeper. It's bad. It's so, so bad. It's so bad that you can feel the phantom taste of cold steel on your tongue. This is it. There's nothing left for you. You had a good run. It's time to go--

"Stop fucking laughing! It's not helping!"

It is helping a little bit. At the very least, it manages to drag you out of your manic episode. It doesn't make you feel like any less of a dickhead, though. If only you had been Florence Pugh, then things might've been different. If only... Alas, you're a burn victim mummified in enough gauze to make a Silcoon blush, and things are very much the same.

But it's time for the tables to turn, because now it's Parker's turn to step up to the plate. You watch her as she takes position next to a tree-like growth of crystals, already thinking up as many needlessly judgemental comments as you can. Not so easy to be on the other side, is it? It's actually pretty hard to be witty and sexy under pressure, isn't it? Shouldn't have been such a jerk about it, huh? Yeah, that's right. You'll see how she likes it when SHE'S the one getting laughed at...!

...

...

...Fuck, dude...

"Okay, fine, that wasn't half-bad." You admit, incredibly glad that she can't see your face right now. "But, c'mon, it's not really fair, is it? You already know everything that women want in a partner because you're one of them. Here I am, complete lost in the big city, and meanwhile, you've got hometown advantage! Like, imagine if you were trying to flirt with a guy, and I was the one... Okay, never mind, actually, let's not go down that road..."

Having sufficiently complained long enough for the rush of warmth to pass you by, you take a deep breath in, and then let a deep breath out. You take a moment to reflect on all that's happened thus far. What you've learned and the mistakes you've made. And then, you steel your resolve.

"...Alright. Okay. I think I've got it. Give me another scenario. I'll definitely nail it this time."

---

parker jones
uC4pSFOO

Parker's approach is familiar to you: From the clumsy attempt at a seductive walk to the incredibly forward flirting, you can immediately tell that you're looking at a woman who knows how awful you are, but is going to entangle herself in you anyway. You don't know why. Maybe she's just had a bad break-up, and she'll take whatever rebound she can get. Maybe her lover's been cheating, and this is her way or getting even. Or maybe she's a lesbian in a committed relationship with absolutely no interest in you, but who nevertheless is trying to help you in any way that she can. It's honestly an inspired choice. Completely desperate and motivated by outside forces to enable you? Even someone like you can't fumble that. Just say some weird horny shit and watch as she shrugs and plays along.

At least, that's what the Shred Zeppelin of a few minutes ago would've done. But a lot can change in a few minutes, can't it? You're not the Shred Zeppelin of the past. You've the Shred Zeppelin of the present, and you've reached a different answer:

"I want you to look at my nut."

It's a horrible thing to say. Blunt and witless and charmless and dull. Not even sexy in the slightest. And yet, it's the best answer you could've possibly given.

Because right on cue, the breast of your jacket begins to stir. Something within it shifts and moves, struggling to climb out of the fabric. And then, a golden hexagonal head pokes out from your pocket, followed by a melting silver body. You scoop the curious creature into the palm of your hand, before raising it up in front of Parker. After taking a moment to adjust to its new surroundings, the little fellow turns to grunt, and its single eye goes wide with joy.

"ooo hello buff lady (⌒ω⌒)ﾉ my name is meltan! you look very strong ٩(◕‿◕｡)۶ are you also on a fantastic journey?"
"mel meltan (⌒ω⌒)ﾉ meltan! mel mel ٩(◕‿◕｡)۶ meltan meltan?"

This is it. Your different answer. Your last chance. Your best shot. Because even if you are a filthy wretch who is utterly unworthy of love, he is not. He is the most exceptional creature you have ever met. He is pure and innocent and kind and true. He is everything that love could and should be. And if he cannot build you a bridge to reach the human heart?

Then there's no hope left for you.

---

parker jones
ErEzKmjy