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☁️🌕☁️
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from the minute you are born you have it written into your bones that you are not enough. and the world conspires to ensure you know that you will
n e v e r be enough. you alone are not enough to save your parent's marriage. you alone are not enough to make your brother love you. and you alone are not enough to step out of his shadow. you are just not enough. no one ever touches or looks at you unless they have to because there is nothing remotely remarkable about you. nothing at all. you wither before you even have a chance to grow. you have no aspirations or dreams. not like him. and in your lacking, you are told you take after
him and you are told to be
better. [break][break]
"there's already one fuck up in this fucking house and I don't have the goddman patience for another one, ruslan." [break][break]
stop your crying. speak up. use your words. shut up. [break][break]
☁️🌠☁️
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but if you lack presence, your brother is barely there. but you notice. you notice how he smiles at his partner when he's alone. you notice how he always manages to find you after leaving you behind. you notice how he tends to give you a bite more to eat than he takes for himself. you notice how
different he is from you. @emil lacks nothing. he is complete. he is full of dreams and hope and ambition. he is straightforward when he needs to and capable on his own. he is always surrounded by people. you rely on everyone for help, guidance, goals. if you were supposed to fix things then how come he has everything you lack. you were unnecessary. [break][break]
i'm so tired of getting yelled at
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in the quiet moments with your brother he whispers of his dreams as he looks to the stars. the dreams of grandeur, of fame.
of being known, acknowledged, remembered. [break][break]
the way he says it makes your heart ache with longing and you're not sure
for what? for his dreams to become reality? for the hope that he may share secrets like this with you forever? for the melancholy of knowing this is only temporary, and soon enough he'll brush it all away and go back to hating you, ignoring you. gone and leaving you unsure if something so good ever happened to you. [break][break]
☁️🌑☁️
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when you are all alone, when you can't hear your brother or his friend, you speak. your words start slowly and then begin to flow out of you just as quickly as the fat, hot tears that roll down your cheeks. you are just a bundle of frustration and pain and lacking and you are so,
so tired. they pity you. you know they do. the guilt of losing you is the only reason you're still alive. this isn't love. [break][break]
you feel something touch your cheek. you hadn't even realized the time. the world is dark, and your throat is hoarse. he hasn't come back for you. maybe he's finally abandoned you in the forest. you don't blame him and you do. You're mad at him and you understand why. a little ghost wipes away your tears. you sniffle in response. this is cathartic. you talk with the ghost; it helps you stand up. it leads you through the forest, beginning to take you down deeper and deeper until a hands grips your wrist, and stops your trek. you turn to your brother who yanks you back from the precipice. he yells at you, as he always does, and he drags you back. after that, he's never late again. he always finds you, hiding in the shrubs, whispering to little ghosts right at sunset before pulling you back home. [break][break]
☁️🌙☁️
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you don't love your brother, and yet you do. it's hard to explain. it's even harder to understand. one night before dinner a fight between him and your parents break out. you are in your room and you catch snippets of it. as he storms into the room across from you, you inspect his actions. you try to talk him down but he whips around and looks at you in such a way that you're too scared to speak. but that's not the worst of it. no. he tells you what you already knew, deep down, which you had tried to convince yourself otherwise. his words cut so deep, whatever affection you think he had for you is gone now. you try to return the favor. you had already resolved yourself not to cry. so you lash out, and try to match his temper and storm into your own room. [break][break]
you cry yourself to sleep and try to tell yourself you hate him. and yet...you wait for him to come home. days pass. you call him. weeks pass. you check with
leo del río to see if he's couch surfing. months pass and you ask your parents who snap at you for it. every day that passes is another scratch, a little scar on your heart. and a little voice inside your head whispers that it was
right. this wasn't love, this was pity. you loved your brother to this day despite everything, but he never saw you as anything other than a burden. though you had never been close, the realization breaks your heart. [break][break]
so when the time comes, you leave home too because you're so tired. you're so tired of not being enough. you're so tired of being reminded how much you lack, how similar you are to that
fucking waste of space known as your older brother. you don't care if you don't have a plan. you don't care if you have no ambitions. you just wanted to get away from a home that only made you feel lonelier. [break][break]
and if you died alone, in an alleyway on the other side of the country then so be it. [break][break]
