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A lot happened in the span of a few seconds. First, being that it was really hard to tear his eyes away from so many bright and dazzling lights. Especially with the snow picking up and pelting the ground in thick clumps. It was beautiful, picturesque even. He was glad they went out, even if it meant having to beg to Lam to stay just a little longer.
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Then Lam almost died, again.
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Okay, a little dramatic. But he did almost definitely eat shit because of some ice. Rook barely responded in time, caught several minutes behind in a dazzle of lights. He felt broad-sided, staring at Lam with wide eyes. He also ping-ponged between immediate concern and the instinctive need to laugh.
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"Woah! That was close. Hey, I'm supposed to be the clumsy one, quit trying to take my role." It did begin to dawn on him a little that something unusual was going on. Just a tiny bit. It wasn't quite like Lam to be antsy and dramatic and clumsy... regardless of the weather.
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Okay, that explained it. "I knew it, see. You do wanna go. It's only 6:45, we only just got out. Let's go."

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From behind a mittened hand, Rook looked at him skeptically. "Okay, if you insist." A small, bemused snort at the thought. If Lam was willing to keep going, he wasn't going to keep coming up with excuses for him. The cold didn't bother him remotely. Though, by the end, he'd probably be over the soggy feeling that followed. He didn't particularly like the frigid after-effect of curling up in a warm place, overly aware of how cold he was regardless of the warmth.
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Little did he realize that Lam was fighting to meet grandiose expectations that may or may not have even existed. Rook was perfectly oblivious, swooning over every magical light display. In a way, he wished he had put more effort into decorating their own house. It felt like such a waste now that he was thinking about it.
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He was a little distracted, eyes darting around anything remotely shiny like a greedy pokemon. "Yeah, Lam?" He said, wondering if they could make a few stops to grab some last minute decorations. Maybe they could still save their boring house with its single wreath. What had he been thinking, honestly? That was really unlike him. Sure, Lam had been busy this whole year and Rook had been helping him set up the gym. Even then, there was no excuse. He looked back to Lam finally.

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"I don't want you to be miserable the whole time though. It's okay, there's probably like a lighting program on the television or something. We can have hot cocoa and stuff instead." He began working out an alternative plan in his head, even if it would have been disappointing, in the end. That was the point about relationships, wasn't it? Sometimes there had to be sacrifices, or in this case, adjustments to make them both happy.
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"Can't have you freezing to death." Though he hadn't thought they'd even be out that long. They would watch the lighting and then make a mad dash back home to eat pizza in the comfort of their cozy house surrounded by pokemon. The more he thought about it, the better that sounded.
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"Don't tell me that, I'm already weirdly paranoid. I can't have you perceiving my thoughts." He scoffed, time for his own dramatics. Though it wouldn't be the first time he was paranoid over nothing.
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The idea of dressing the house up real pretty like was nice, but he also knew how lazy they could be. "That would require you enlisting to help and surviving the frigid winter air for more than five minutes." He laughed, having a little too much fun teasing him.
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Though he did note the way Lam looked at him then so he decided to be a little nicer to him.
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"Glad I could convince you." He might have laughed if he didn't feel so miserable. Any attempt to continue proving that he was fine was snuffed due to the blatant fact that he was not. Rook was usually a dramatic big baby, but he wasn't quick to admit when he was sick or hurt in more serious situations. It was more his style to sit on pain and discomfort until he couldn't anymore. It made him feel guilty.
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He imagined that it wasn't much different than how Lam handled pain. Granted, he might not have closed up into a little enigmatic ball like his boyfriend did. His intent was loud and he was awful at hiding it. He still tried though.
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Mostly, right then, he just hated being seen in such a revolting way (call him vain).
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He let Lam fix things up, because there was no way of running out of the situation. It was exposing and intimate, in a way he wasn't proud of. That was the point though, wasn't it? Partners were there to comfort you when you were down. No one had ever bothered for him before though.
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"Really, Lam... it's okay. I'll be okay." He sighed, watching him tip the mattress over and run for the sheets to dress it.
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"Is this common for your sleepovers?"

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The food was just a distraction, a poor one at that. Usually, Rook figured that all of his problems were healed by food. There was nothing he couldn't mend so long as he could eat his problems away, but there was no mending this. Clearly, his father didn't want to change. He should have felt grateful, to at least know that it wasn't him. He tried. It wasn't his fault.
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He still felt responsible. This wasn't the closure he'd been hoping for, but he knew that maybe it would get better now. Eventually, the wound would mend. Lam, of course, made it easier. Warm hands cupped his face. He melted against the touch and felt himself break down a little. The tears formed despite every attempt to swallow them up. “I am so, so proud of you." It was amazing, how far those words went. Lam mattered more than anyone in his life, far more than his father. "But I didn't do anything."
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It felt like a wasted trip. How stupid of him, to even attempt any of this.
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Rook sighed at that, looking away. "Not so sure about that, but... I guess I'm better off without him anyway."

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It was irrational, this whole thing.
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Guilt welled up just as quickly as his somber temper had lashed out. Now, he wasn't sure what to do with himself. There was nothing simple about his emotions. They were usually erratic at best and it wasn't Lam's fault that he couldn't control them. It probably was wrong to change his usual tactics, like a mean punishment. Rook was silent, sulking. Lam tugged him down until they were both splayed over the blankets. He didn't react immediately, instead he watched Lam. The soft warmth of light on his skin and the curves of his face. He was so pretty, it wasn't fair. Even when he was all banged up.
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"Missed you too." He whispered.
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The kiss was lazy, but sweet. Immediately, he felt himself sigh and grow soft. All that resistance fled him immediately. All his fears were swallowed and his feelings of uselessness were temporarily muffled. They would return, of course, the second that Lam returned to duty to fight someone else's battles.
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He didn't like that, but there was nothing he'd do to stop it.
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With another sigh, he pushed up a little to wipe the tears from Lam's eyes. A hand passed down his spine, stealing the stiffness away. "Yeah, we are. I can't stay mad at you." He grumbled, somewhat disapproving of such simple dismissal. "I'm already in bed, dummy."

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"What's not to like?" He grinned, knowing fully well that it was entirely subjective and there was plenty for Lam to dislike about it. Admittedly, even Rook didn't enjoy the cold sogginess that followed a good snowy outing. Though he wasn't about to tell Lam that and weaken his position. It was a competition, of course, and he wanted to be right. "And you should really learn to wear socks and extra layers before daring to touch the thermostat." He was very particular about that, probably more out of a reactivity from his childhood. Touching the thermostat as a kid was a big no-no.
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He stopped to rub at Lam's little red nose. "Keep me close and I'll keep you warm, my love." He laughed at the other's blatant dramatics. Lam wasn't usually the one to be excessive so it was kind of nice to have a bit of a reversal in their usual roles.
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With a quick rub to cold ears for added measure, he continued on and squeezed Lam's hand consolingly. "If you would rather go home though, we still can. I appreciate it though, really." The last thing he wanted was for Lam to be miserable because of him.
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"Oh that's good! I was craving pizza actually." That was practically their couple meal, they ate it so often. It was special for them though, mostly because they both lacked in the cooking department.
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He pointed out at the lighted display of one of the houses. "That one is so pretty, they really went all out."

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"It's not so bad," Rook laughed, "atleast, not nearly as much as you were dreading it to be, right?"
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Lam had made his opinion of snow exceedingly known. Every time the temperature dropped even a little bit, he was looking it up with a shocked little gasp. Rook was of the opinion that the thermostat should never be touched, it was a very dadly opinion of his. Any time Lam whined, he was quick to assess him for how many layers he had on, especially the socks.
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Rook took Lam's offered hand, deciding not to tease him anymore. His assigned role in their relationship was usually "space heater" and he took that job very seriously. No one was gonna have a red nose in his vicinity.
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He shuffled closer to the other, rubbing his arms dramatically. "The lights will be worth it, I promise."
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That question was a difficult one because the answer was "doesn't matter" because as long as Lam was there he'd enjoy it. If Lam wasn't there, no amount of pretty lights would make him happy. "We can just do a walk through, I'm not sure." He thought a little too hard, only to shrug like a dopey idiot.

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"I get tired of being emotional all the time." He shrugged, knowing that Lam had a point. They both had their systems of handling things. Lam got quiet and processed things that way. Meanwhile, Rook was dramatic and emotional. Of course, Lam's silence always cut, one way or another. So maybe that was a grudging desire to do the same. A "look how you make me feel" sort of reaction. It was selfish and mean-spirited, but it did the job.
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They so rarely fought though so none of this was exactly normal for them. There was no defined response to things, regardless of Rook's proclivity towards breaking down into tears over every stupid thing. This was simply a different situation.
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The truth wasn't that Lam got hurt and Rook was mad. That felt like such a shallow reasoning. He loved that Lam was brave and valiant and he helped people. It was just a feeling of being left behind in the process. He was useless, in the end. Nothing he did would ever help Lam. He'd never be there to save him. It was always the other way around.
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Just like he always did, in the end, he fell apart.
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And there was Lam to comfort him when he was the one that was hurt. Rook felt ridiculously stupid for all of it. None of this needed to happen. Still, he curled up against him, until he was small. "I'm sorry, I don't know why..." He shook his head, palmed the wetness from his eyes. "I don't need you to save me, Lam. I just need you to be okay, alright?" The problem was there was so preventing that. He sat back and sighed. "I'm sorry... for getting upset."

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Staying silent had been the right option, in hindsight. Because right then, talking about it, did nothing but make him more upset and stubborn. The truth was that Lam probably couldn't alleviate his worries because it was an inability of himself to let go. To accept danger when he himself didn't care about anyone else. Lam had this shiny idea of who he was but it wasn't real. Rook would have done anything for pokemon, but he was inherently selfish. It was his nature. He didn't care about saving people that weren't important to him.
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Rook rolled his eyes, "Yes, yes. I'm sure." He forced himself to stay silent, before he said anything too biting. Before he let his selfishness diminish Lam in its effort to cling to this illusion of safety.
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"I do feel safe, Lam. Right now, always. I don't need you galivanting off into the horizon like some kind of hero or whatever." It didn't sit well with him that Lam thought it was necessary to do that, for him. Like he was to weak and fearful to fight for Lam or himself. Maybe a part of him resented that, in himself, for not doing more. For not following Lam into those fights.
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He grabbed the pillow as it was swung back, taking advantage of the fact that Lam was down an arm. He pulled it and chucked it aside. The response bit at a soft spot. "So silence is only okay when you do it?" That time he snapped. "Lam, you are the king of shutting down under pressure. So, forgive me for trying to process things in silence. I'm sorry it made you feel guilty."
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Rook pressed his face into his hands, trying not to exhale on a broken breath. He hated this. He hated it. He was an awful boyfriend. It wasn't Lam's fault, it was his. And now it was his fault for making Lam upset on top of it all after just having his arm broken.

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"Once again, not my point, Lam." He sighed, exasperated. Maybe he was being too tough on him, because he didn't have a fix for this. There was no way to reassure him that Lam wouldn't be in danger unless he sacrificed part of himself that Rook loved equally. This was a selfish fear, close to the chest. It hadn't festered into resentment, but he could've easily closed up and tried to ignore it until it became resentment.
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He wanted to roll back onto the bed, stare up at the ceiling until he was given the path way he needed to move on from this. Or maybe he could slip into a coma so that he didn't have to face it. Lam, of course, was oblivious as always. "Remember only a couple months ago, when I kept getting arrested? You made it clear to me that something had to change. I'm not asking you to give anything up, Lam. Now what if I kept doing it, going out and stealing and getting caught. What if I got hurt or killed? You'd be upset too, obviously." It wasn't quite the same thing. He didn't have to steal, had he?
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Rook scoffed at that, "You don't have to. I've been surviving for longer than we've been together, Lam. That hasn't changed." He wasn't a fighter, but he was a survivor. There was a difference. He didn't need Lam going to war to keep things from happening. "Also I don't care about the house or anyone, if you go out and get yourself hurt."
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Lam didn't see it that way. He just had to protect Rook, it was sometimes annoying. As if his loss was more important. As if he could survive regardless, but Lam couldn't.
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Then Lam had to go and be stupid. Rook turned around with as fierce as scowl as he'd ever managed. "Lam," He snatched up the blankets, forcing him from the safety of them. Then tossed a pillow at his head, "Shut up."

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For an awkward second, he sat there, wondering if he should have done differently. Rook felt like a long-shot from a relationship master. He had never really had anything long-term before Lam came into his life. He'd never been reliable or consistent enough. His emotions went all over the place and, ultimately, he felt like he'd only disappoint them.
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That fear hadn't vanished with Lam, of course. Far from it. That fear had only intensified the more he realized how important Lam was to him. The possibility of disappointing him in some way only seemed to grow more unrelenting. Though, he'd also grown due to this relationship. Normally, he might have blown up, grown more emotional. Maybe it wasn't a good time to try to be controlled with his emotions, but he was trying.
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Lam was quiet and it made him want to run away from the sudden, mounting pressure.
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"That's not the point, Lam." He sighed, half whine and half exasperation. It wasn't the fact that Lam tried hard or that he was worried and scared too. It was the fact he was in a position of danger that could come at any point of contention. He didn't know how to deal with that.
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"I don't either, no one told me that you were gonna go facing ROCKET, Lam. No one warned me that they were actually dangerous, deadly even. I've worked with them but it was... harmless, small petty theft. It wasn't murder. And you're fighting those people? How am I supposed to deal with that? Cause they're sure as shit not gonna come up to my door with an 'I'm sorry' so why is that supposed to be enough for me right now?"

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This was not how he wanted this to go. At the very least, he'd hoped that they could actually talk. It was clear that his father wasn't prepared to forgive whatever slight he'd come to believe his son had made. He was even less willing to accept that the fault was mostly his, not his son's. Rook accepted that, at least. He'd gone a long while believing he was the problem, but it was clear to him that wasn't the case.
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Unexpectedly, he almost felt a little relieved after the fact. It wasn't about him. It was about his father, his anger and resentfulness. Rook was just the only one in the path for him to direct that resentment. Rook didn't try to justify that with excuses either, as he usually would've. He'd done enough justification for other people's sins.
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As they slipped outside, he felt the gloom dissipate, even if only a little. In a way, he could understand how his father had grown so rotten. That place practically breathed grudging energy. It festered inside and grew out into something ugly. He looked over to Lam and grabbed his hand. "There's this really nice coffee shop not far away. Or there's a good pasta place. Or the sandwich joint. I'm kinda hungry."
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His breath rattled a little as he exhaled, but he swallowed up the pain of it.

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