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It was hard to leave Lam. It was hard to do a lot of things as he plopped down onto the couch like a sack of sad potatoes. What he wanted to do was crawl back to that room and offer to help Lam with his clothes. It had to be uncomfortable with his cast on. Then again, that cast shouldn't have even been there. Lam had assured him that everything was gonna go A-Okay, with a thumbs up and everything. Rook had every right to be upset.
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Then again...
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He couldn't help but still feel like he was being ungrateful. Selfish. Stupid. Lam was okay, a little banged up but alive. Rook should have been grateful, clinging to him and kissing his cheek. He should have been happy that Lam was in one piece (even if a little broken in some parts). Not sulking under the chocheted fibers of the old couch blanket.
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What if Lam was hungry? He'd never stopped to ask if he'd eaten. What if he needed more pain pills? What if he was just being a poor-excuse for a boyfriend? Totally unsupportive and cold. He groaned, pulling the blanket over his head.
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This felt so unproductive. He moved too quickly to ever sulk and ruminate on feelings of upset. Emotions passed through him quickly, brightly, emphatically. This felt depressed and heavy. He didn't like it.
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He peeked out from under the blanket then, squinting. Time had passed by and he refused to doze. He never made much of a napper. There was a sound coming from the bedroom. Lam wasn't resting at all, was he?
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"You're supposed to be resting," He muttered to himself, wondering if he should get up and make a fuss of it. He was still mad at him though.

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He'd grown to know Lam on a level he'd never imagined with anyone. His life, until they met, was a sad and empty one. It had often felt pointless in a way he hoped never to feel again. Lam completed parts of him that he hadn't realized were empty, missing. It was hard to be mad at him, especially when he could see that guilt in the other man. He felt ugly and stupid for provoking those kinds of emotions in him.
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It wasn't too late. Rook knew he could choose to back off and relent to the pressure building up in the space between them. His hands rung the hem of his sweaty, twisting the fibers until they threatened to fray further. He didn't relent. It wasn't like him to be the stubborn one, but it felt necessary. Lam had gotten mad at him, once upon a time, for not changing for the both of them. This wasn't quite like that, but it still felt like it mattered. He'd stopped stealing after that. Sure, he didn't really know what to do with himself anymore except for some odd jobs but that was the price.
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Rook would never ask him to stop chasing his dreams, but he'd never imagined before that those dreams would lead him to such a dangerous place. He was a gym leader, not an officer or a fighter. It wasn't supposed to be like that, but he felt like saying as much was an impossible request. He couldn't object to something that he'd stood by for so long.
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He sighed at that "I tried". It wasn't about that though. Rook was sure he'd tried not to get hurt, but clearly that only went so far. He wasn't mad, he was upset. There was a different. The only way he'd get un-upset was to stop doing what he was doing and think, let the space draw in between them until all their problems miraculously disappeared.
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"I don't know, Lam." He replied, exasperated. He didn't want to talk about this either. It didn't help his upset and he was trying his best not to snap or fall apart into an emotional hellstorm.
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"No, don't be ridiculous. You have a broken arm." He retreated into the room to grab his pillow. There was already a kitted blanket on the back of the couch that he could use. "I'll stay on the couch. Go rest."

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This wasn't going how he'd expected it to go. What he'd been planning was to march into the hospital, berate Lam's actions, and then get back home in time for dinner. Maybe stick it out for awhile until Lam felt really bad about it. Yet, his mood soured the more he thought about it. The exhaustion set in and he didn't know what to do anymore. He didn't know how to handle these emotions and worries because he'd never had reason to feel them before.
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No one mattered to him quite like Lam did. So, how was he supposed to reconcile that realization with the reality that he could only feel much pain? Maybe the difficulty lied in his past, in a reality where he never knew Lam and never realized just how full his heart could feel. As ridiculous as the sentiment sounded. The loss made him think about how it used to be.
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He opened his eyes to find them safely transported home again. The soft warmth of home should have settled over him like a veil. His temper should have eased a little and he should have looked to Lam and said: Dont you do that again. Leave it there, even if Lam ended up doing it yet again.
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"I don't wanna yell at you, Lam." He said, stiffly. His arms still crossed off, his eyes still seeking out little details of safety away from contact. "I told you everything earlier. You said it'd be fine." There wasn't a sense of betrayal, despite everything. Lam couldn't predict something would happen, of course. This had the side-effect of making Rook feel irrational, but it didn't subside his feelings on the matter.
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Rook paused for a second, thinking it'd just be easier to talk. Rook was a feelings sort of guy, even when he didn't recognize what it was that he was feeling. It was in his nature to be emotional, to say what he was feeling. "I don't really feel like talking about it anymore."

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Upset translated into frustration, a low-seated sort of feeling. It didn't fester, but he felt no relief. It was just a constant pressure and he nearly would have given up for the hope that it might go away. That didn't feel right either, even if it would have been the normal way he processed things. It wasn't like Lam had done anything unusual or overstepped a boundary. Once again, he felt that guilt simmer up because it wasn't natural to be mad at him. It would have been easier just to shrug, force a smile, and give him a hug.
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He didn't though and Lam made not attempt to challenge the space he was making with his body language. It was appreciated, but it didn't change things. His eyes focused on some far-away spot, unimportant but unchallenging. Looking away didn't require he rethink himself. It didn't require mercy or condemnation. It was a safe, equal medium to focus his frustration on.
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In truth, he wasn't sure who he was frustrated at. If it was Lam or himself. This was probably dumb. Maybe he was being childish, but he felt tired right then.
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"No I just wanna go home," He huffed, not wanting the chance to settle and talk. Walking would give time for the knot to come unbound and for the tension to dissipate into the atmosphere. He looked to Lumi with an added, "Please?" It wasn't the pokemon's fault, even if he didn't entertain Noodle's attempt to coax comfort out of him. It wouldn't be that easy.
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He just wanted to go home. He wanted to lay down and marinate in his thoughts until he blamed himself nearly as much as Lam frustrated him with his impulsiveness.

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"Yeah well who brings granola bars as an option for hungry kids?" A health-conscious person, that's who. Admittedly, Lam would have been the more conscientious caregiver in that regard, as Rook really didn't know much about limitation anymore. He didn't want to be the parent/mentor to limit kids on anything, as he had been when he was young. It probably wasn't a healthy response though.
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Granted though, it did give him ideas. None of which were good ideas. He had never planned around the idea of kids. Especially considering how his own parents had handled him. What if he was just as bad as his own father had been? Though he'd also not really talked to Lam about the idea either.
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Right then, he couldn't help himself. He had to ask, even if it was just a tiny step. A little question. Totally innocent and nothing intended. He half expected Lam to shrug it off, laugh it off even. The other had never divulged into his thoughts on the topic and Rook had never asked. It made sense, they'd never been in the position to even think about it until then. Now, they were settling and comfortable.
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He was silent then, waiting for Lam to break the silence. The awkwardness felt stifling. "It uhh.." He scrambled, tripping over his tongue to back-track on the question. It's a dumb idea, I'm sorry HAHAHA. PSYCHE. He didn't get a word out though before falling into silence. "Really? You think so?" It was only half a question though, he was too deep in thought to expect a response. "I think I'd like that too, kids... I mean."

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He was not waiting at home.
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No way!
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Even if Lam might have preferred that so he could have ample time before he was in trouble. Rook was not waiting around at home like some doting housewife. It wasn't generally in his nature to be temperamental or combative. Quite the opposite. Rook rolled over with just about any confrontation. It was a lesson learned during his childhood, unfortunately. Though he'd gotten better over time, it probably wasn't the best timing for him to go and try to stand up for his feelings, but it was better now than never.
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Rook was upset.
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Maybe not rightfully so. Maybe even a little irrationally. It didn't need to make sense to him, except this was the second time that he was pulled into a panic because Lam had taken a dive into dangerous territory. It wasn't like he regretted encouraging Lam to go for his dreams, he just hadn't anticipated it would involve this many hospital and panic room visits. It was a selfish fear, of course. Lam was free to do as he wished, but Rook couldn't help but realize he'd opened himself up to a world of pain.
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At some point, he'd signed up to get hurt (one way or another), by getting close to someone. No, close wasn't even the word for it. He loved Lam. A part of soul felt tethered to this life they'd made. Now, he was grappling with the realization that there was real, terrifying weight to that life. Or, more so, the loss of that life.
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Maybe he just needed to sit and think, but he didn't give him the chance to work it out in his head before heading over to the hospital. On the way, he'd nearly calmed down too until he saw Lam standing there. His arm in that sling and that sheepish look on his face like he knew exactly what was coming. Rook didn't even know what was coming because he'd never actually processed this kind of emotion before.
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So, Rook stood there with his expression twisted on a frown and his arms crossing the rest of his body off. "No, you thought I'd wait at home. I didn't want to." He should have just been happy to see him. What an inconsequential idiot. He sparred with the feeling of guilt that welled up, but didn't drop his temper. Not yet. "Are we done here?"

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"I feel icky," He mumbled, hearing the soft pad of footsteps drawing his location. The house wasn't huge so it wouldn't be difficult to find him, hunched over the bathroom as he was. Rook didn't often get sick, so he wondered if it was just something that he ate. It wouldn't be the first time he'd shrugged off the potential threat of a week old mystery meat left out on the counter.
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He ate with the consistency of a stray dog, going for whatever was enticingly left out for him to munch. This time though, didn't feel like the other times. Not to mention, he couldn't recall eating anything particularly questionable. "Beware, I'm gross." Not that that would stop Lam from tracking him down.
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The contact was soft and welcoming. He already felt a little better, but he suspected it was a placebo effect caused by his warm affections for the other. Not really that Lam was some kind of miracle cure to stomach bugs.
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"I think I'm okay, I'm fine. It's nothing." He didn't get sick and, in the past, most of his illness had been swept under the rug to prevent anyone getting mad at him. He wasn't afraid that Lam would get mad at him, but he didn't enjoy feeling so useless. "I think I'm better." He insisted before spinning to vomit again. "Okay, maybe not. Sorry, this is probably really gross."

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It probably wasn't good to play with kids' naivety. Especially not in coming up with fake facts that he said with complete confidence. They whole-heartedly believed him too, so he felt a little bad in hindsight. Still, admittedly, it was kind of fun.
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"A natural liar, you mean." He laughed as Lam commended him being a natural. The question of food was enough to turn the children and himself into raving hungry monsters. His own belly gurgled with the vacancy within, so sad. Most of the children, Rook included, were not interested in granola bars. "Those are gross, right kids?" They all yelled in confirmation.
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He looked to Lam with a look of success for compelling the children to his side. "You know... this wouldn't be half bad. Having a kid." Did he really just say that? What a terrifying thought.

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Rook felt himself constrict, his breath hyperventilating as Lam stepped between him and his father. It wasn't that serious, old habits died hard. He shouldn't have flinched. He also shouldn't have provoked the old man. His fingers tugged at Lam's shirt, "Lam, it's okay." There was a sweetness there, a soft fuzzy sort of feeling at the realization that Lam had stepped up for him.
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His father had frozen in his stride, eyes darting between Lam and his son. It was an odd, dazed sort of reaction. Almost as if he'd barely realized that he stood. Maybe it was the realization that it wasn't the two of them. The tunnel vision had faded and there was suddenly another person to lay witness. Rook didn't know, but it irritated him how the man backed down. "No problem."
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Rook felt himself shake a little as he dipped down, picking Rosie up. Her disguise was busted and she was clearly upset. He couldn't quite blame her, she'd not had an easy time in this house either. She also hadn't signed up for this. He dragged her here.
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"I think we should go." He whispered to Lam. "I hoped this would go differently, but at least I realized something. I'm not the problem. I tried to make up to you for what I did, even though I shouldn't. I was just a kid." He shrugged.
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His father sat back down, hands running through his hair. Maybe he regretted it, but Rook was no longer willing to wait around to find out.

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