I want you to tell me.
[break][break]
Of course he does.
[break][break]
Mars had expected it, but the fact that he had doesn’t make this any easier. Nothing about this is easy.
[break][break]
He doesn’t want to think about what happened. He doesn’t want to think about everything he did wrong; all the risks that could have been avoided, all the stupid mistakes.
[break][break]
If only they could just enjoy this moment and not talk about all that…
[break][break]
”There was a SANDSTORM, yeah. The gang leader showed up again… He took us by surprise and had his Aggron attack – that’s how I got hurt.”
[break][break]
"Then he told it to kill you."
[break][break]
No, he can’t say this.
[break][break]
For a second, he holds Cian’s gaze in silence, hand squeezing his oh so gently.
[break][break]
”Then it went for you, so you called out some pokémon – hence the SANDSTORM. You did amazing out there.”
[break][break]
At this, there’s a faint smile, even if it fades soon enough.
[break][break]
”...I was fucking pissed though.”


[BREAK][BREAK]

+ CIAN MAHER

His hand is squeezed, and he can feel Cian tensing up.
[break][break]
Softly, slowly, a thumb traces circles on the back of Cian’s hand as a result.
[break][break]
”It’s okay.”
[break][break]
Is it though?
[break][break]
It will be. It has to be.
[break][break]
That’s what Mars tells himself, and even though it hurts, he sits up properly, holding Cian’s gaze.
[break][break]
”I shot him.”
[break][break]
Mars is calm, and there's no emotion in these words.
[break][break]
A non-lethal wound, because he had wanted that sorry excuse for a gang leader to suffer for what he had done – for what he had tried to do, for even daring to think about hurting Cian.
[break][break]
He doesn’t say this.
[break][break]
There are no justifications. There are no excuses. There are no apologies.
[break][break]
The gang leader had tried to kill them, so Mars had shot him – there’s no need to explain anything.
[break][break]
Still, that wasn’t the end of it, was it?
[break][break]
This time, once more, he’s the one squeezing Cian’s hand.
[break][break]
”I was going to finish the job, but then you told your Gliscor to kill him.”
[BREAK][BREAK]

+ CIAN MAHER

Mars watches him; watches how he reacts, watches everything he does from the moment those words are pronounced.
[break][break]
His hand is squeezed and he doesn’t let go. He would never let go.
[break][break]
’Did Gliscor…?’
[break][break][break]
The question is enough to make him almost certain of the fact that Cian has probably never done anything like this before, and while he feels nothing over the death of the gang leader, there are conflicting feelings over knowing that Cian may have just taken a decisive step in this life of theirs – without even knowing as much, without even remembering.
[break][break]
Perhaps it’s better that he doesn’t remember.
[break][break]
Mars himself though? In Cian’s place, Mars would want to remember. He would hate knowing he had done something of which he has no memories.
[break][break]
It almost makes him not want to tell Cian, but he deserves the truth, doesn’t he?
[break][break]
Mars had promised him honesty.
[break][break]
”Yeah.” He nods, his words quiet yet just as calm as before. ”X-Scissor, I assume. Clean kill.”
[break][break]
Messy, but effective.
[break][break]
He had had to change because of the sand on his clothes and the blood spatter on his jeans.
[break][break]
”You fainted soon after that.”
[BREAK][BREAK]

+ CIAN MAHER

Mars doesn’t tell him about everything that happened after he lost consciousness.
[break][break]
He doesn’t tell him about how the body was dealt with, he doesn’t tell him about making sure the pokémon were delivered, and he doesn’t tell him about rushing back to the submarine – nor about what the medics had said, nor about his report on the mission…
[break][break]
He knows none of this would matter to Cian at this moment.
[break][break]
There are no words of comfort either, because no words would bring it.
[break][break]
This had been Cian’s decision, and it isn’t a decision he had been forced to make.
[break][break]
It is one he had probably made out of frustration, one he made because he didn’t want to feel useless, one that, in the end, he doesn’t remember making.
[break][break]
Mars doesn't know how that feels, but he can imagine it easily. So, he nods, he continues to hold his hand, and he continues to look at him – all his attention on him.
[break][break]
”Was it the first time?”
[break][break]
It’s likely Cian would prefer it if he didn’t ask, but talking about these things will always be better than dealing with it alone. Mars knows as much.
[break][break]
Cian doesn’t have to deal with any of this alone. Not anymore.

[BREAK][BREAK]

+ CIAN MAHER

’It won't be the last, so it's whatever.’
[break][break]
Is it whatever?
[break][break]
Mars knows most people would feel concerned over how apathetic Cian is about this. He knows most people place value in lives even if they’re those of strangers. Mars himself though? The way he sees it, Cian’s survival is the only thing that matters in this.
[break][break]
This is a dangerous life, there are many risks, and if he’s going to live this kind of life, he has to be prepared to kill.
[break][break]
Cian’s right: it’s very likely this won’t be the last time he has to make a choice like this.
[break][break]
It’s as simple as that, but… that doesn’t mean he should enjoy it or take it lightly.
[break][break]
Mars sighs, and it still hurts just as much as it did when he had first woken up.
[break][break]
”When I turned fifteen.”
[break][break]
Happy birthday, Mars, now kill a man.
[break][break]
What a joke it all had been.
[break][break]
And with this said, carefully as to avoid excessive pain, he stands, sitting at the edge of the bed instead. Once there, a hand moves to Cian’s cheek, holding his gaze. His words are gentle, no more than a soft whisper:
[break][break]
”It’s not whatever, Cian, but I’m glad you’re okay, and I’m glad you’re safe – that we both are, honestly. I'm sorry you had to make that choice.”
[break][break]
He is sorry, because it's a lifechanging choice to make, even if Cian may not completely realize this yet.

[BREAK][BREAK]

+ CIAN MAHER

Young. There are many things both the Marzán family and the Sinnoh Syndicate demanded of him from a young age – things they had wanted him to be and thus things they had shaped him into against his will. A thief, a liar, a killer…
[break][break]
The list goes on and on. One so long that Mars doesn’t even bother with considering how young he had been at the start of it all.
[break][break]
It’s just the way his life is. It’s the past. It can’t be changed. What is there to dwell on?
[break][break]
One day he will make them pay, but for his own sake, for the sake of what’s important to him, today he will look ahead – towards what has not happened yet.
[break][break]
Like towards how Cian has not become like him just yet.
[break][break]
Softly, his hand caresses Cian’s cheek.
[break][break]
”That’s okay, you shouldn’t regret it.” There’s nothing to regret. And yet, still, there is a gentle pinch. ”But don’t become the sort of person who goes for the kill at the smallest of things, Cian. There’s a lot to consider when making that choice.”
[break][break]
Like the consequences.
[break][break]
Like disposing of the body.
[break][break]
These are things that must be kept in mind in those situations. Sometimes the kill itself can be the easiest part, and this time, Cian had had to deal with none of the potentially difficult things about this – not making the decision itself, nor the clean up.
[break][break]
Next time will probably be much harder than this.
[break][break]
”I’m glad I had you there with me… Even if it turned out with both of us injured like this.” At this, a quiet chuckle, one that is immediately followed by grimacing. ”Okay… Laughing is a bad idea.”


[BREAK][BREAK]

+ CIAN MAHER