sam wraps his arms around him and then they're floating. knox expels a cloud of bubbles, releasing what air he can from his lungs so they don't buoy back to the surface. and his eyes are open too, looking at the mirage of the boy he loves. really, truly loves. because who else has he shared this silent, push-pull world with? 

sunlight dapples above sam. a wave rolls over, but they're too far beneath it to be jostled. instead, they drift in the current. 

until knox's lungs are screaming for air and he has to break this trance. he kicks off the ground and drags sam up with him. when he comes up, it's coughing and sputtering and laughing. he blinks the water away from his eyes, shakes out his hair, and then suctions himself to sam like an octopus so he can kiss him. 

samuel carter

☉

the world isn't even ground out here. it's tumultuous and ever-changing and it makes sense. there are no rules. there is no right or wrong. there is just being. letting the waves take you and pull you and breathe you back to shore. 

the wave rolls over them and once upon a time, knox would have let it bat him around. he would have let himself get carried, tumbling and sand-ridden, only to dive back in again. but this time he holds fast to sam. eyes closed and the world still spins, but this time he has an anchor. 

he smiles back and simpers and thinks, yes, because it's easy out here. but he's in too good a mood to let himself sour it. so he nods and he presses his nose to sam's. 

"i'm happy with you," he says. 

samuel carter

☉

he doesn't think he's weightless. not really. he feels more like a mirage - every broad smile is one just meant to cover up his terror, to assuage his own guilt. but no, that can't be right. because sam is looking at him in earnest and is speaking from the heart and knows him, really knows him. 

is this me? the real me? with voices that whisper atrocities and eyes that can't see color. surely sam prefers the rainbows. the easy-breezy. the surreal. 

"the pond, i'm impressed by, but a house? sam, you can't expect me to believe you know how to build a whole house." he laughs and holds on tighter as a wave washes over them. 

samuel carter

☉

he really does mean it then. knox knows, and keeps having to tell himself he knows, just how far sam is willing to go for him. and what sam's willing to do for him. the thought is frightening. the thought is too much. the thought brings him a comfort he can't even begin to fathom. 

when the water settles, know takes a moment to pool a handful of water in his palm. then he drips it on sam's head, watches it run in rivulets down his neck, back into the ocean. the action isn't too dissimilar from when he'd done the same to sam's keldeo.

"fine," he says. "yes, let's do it. us. i want to help you build this. to be with you while we do it." build it together - build it out of love, not out of desperation or exhaustion or sadness. 

he'll have to get a couple of new jobs. he'll have to resurface. he'll have to go out in the world so they can afford the lumber, the nuts and bolts and wires and whatever else the fuck they'll need. and with that in mind, he'll be able to do it. 

this is what he tells himself.

samuel carter

☉

a house together. it'd been but a few short days ago that he'd shrugged aside such a thought. sam's bed feels like a place he can call home, but he still sees it as sam's bed. in sam's house. on sam's mountain. he has a feeling sam doesn't see it that way, that even if it's not an equal split, some part of his space belongs to knox now. 

he'd thought of getting an apartment situated somewhere in lilycove. close enough he can keep an eye on mauville, close enough to be near sam, and far enough away where he can breathe if he needs to. 

but even that amount of distance makes the voices remind him that give him an inch and he'll take a mile. 

the thought sobers him. another wave approaches, but instead of weathering it, knox sighs and sinks himself under the water. the wave crashes, rolling over them, and the current jerks, but he holds his ground against it, and comes back up. 

when he resurfaces, he smiles, but this one is a sad, tired smile. his mental exhaustion rears its ugly head. "but i have to go back out there first. i can't keep hiding and doing nothing, sam, or i'm going to go insane. i want a house to come home to, not four walls to trap myself in." 

but how can i trust myself?

samuel carter

☉

he flicks sam on the nose. "you're allowed to want things, you know." the waves have pushed them closer to shore now. close enough that sam and knox can stand comfortably and not on their toes. so knox flashes a smile and when the next wave comes, he dives. 

eyes open underwater. the salt could never bother him anymore. he finds sam's legs and wiggles his way through them, grabs his thighs as he finds his footing and stands with the boy on his shoulders. 

knox looks up at him impishly. "i don't feel trapped when i'm with you, sam. but you can't be next to me all the time. i gotta figure this shit out."

samuel carter

☉

sam grabs him a bit roughly, but knox doesn't mind. he just squeezes his fingers into sam's thighs. when he looks up and sees sam's terror, his brows furrow in confusion. a wave breaks over them and knox jumps, putting sam over it but smacking his own face against it in the process. 

he sputters water and then tosses his head as well as he can to get slightly too-long hair out of his eyes. "don't worry, love. i've got you." 

samuel carter

☉