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TAG WITH @jayden

POSTED ON May 17, 2023 14:40:08 GMT

Chu-e Choi likes this

[nospaces]

[attr="class","jaytop"]

[attr="class","lyrics"] look into my eyes right now

[attr="class","littlejay"]

his meeting with Chu-e Choi earlier that day continued to ring in his ears, even after he finished dinner with fern in the evening. it left a bittersweet taste lingering in his mouth, mingling with the sensation of warm water on his hands as he busied himself with washing cups in the sink.

[break][break] he and fern delaney rarely had moments alone these days due to their busy jobs, but whenever they had, jayden was always meticulous in making sure that they were able to treasure the ones they had. that evening, he'd cooked a meal of pasta and wine and they'd shared it. he glanced up to find fern delaney flitting through the channels, trying to figure a documentary to settle on.

[break][break] jayden looked up, watching the back of their head as they flitted through the channels. his head felt fuzzy.

[break][break] "i met chu-e today."

[break][break] pause.

[break][break] "he said he'd loved me."

[attr="class","ooc"]
fern delaney [break] m: doubt

☉

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TAG WITH @fern

POSTED ON May 17, 2023 20:56:01 GMT

Chu-e Choi and jayden cross like this

[nospaces]

[attr="class","petalbase"]

[attr="class","star1"]

[attr="class","circleoutline1"]

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[attr="class","star2"] Fern is completely, blissfully unaware. Any strangeness in Jayden’s demeanor is attributed to exhaustion from overwork. Okay, so there’s still a cord of tension from the borders. His distance and standoffish treatment.[break][break]

But that was what rarer nights like this one were for. Fern could fix things.[break][break]

They waffle between flipping through options on the remote, and shoveling pasta into their mouth. Not quite a delicate eater when Jayden isn’t looking their way.[break][break]

His voice carries over the sound of the tap running, though, and of course it’s when their mouth is full. Fern swivels around halfway to look at him over the back of the couch. But Jayden is still facing the sink.[break][break]

”Huh??” The confused sound is muffled by the pasta, cheeks puffed out like a skwovet’s as they stare at him with wide eyes. “Chewee?”[break][break]

Something cold sluices into their veins. Why is he telling them this? Now? Tonight? It makes them want to spit their food back onto the plate as the puzzle pieces of their guesswork start clicking together.[break][break]

It makes their stomach turn over, but they force the food down.[break][break]

They don’t ask anything else.

[break][break]

jayden cross // m: doubt[break]

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jayden

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TAG WITH @jayden

POSTED ON May 17, 2023 21:10:33 GMT

mint frost likes this

[nospaces]

[attr="class","jaytop"]

[attr="class","lyrics"] look into my eyes right now

[attr="class","littlejay"]

it doesn't occur to jayden that the timing is inappropriate. doesn't occur to him that it was bad.

[break][break] that these were the sorts of thoughts that you aired out to your good friends, or at least his equivalent of them, at their latest CERBERUS sleepover. maybe Felix Gallagher or mint frost would've had something better to say.

[break][break] it doesn't occur to him that maybe, he shouldn't have aired these thoughts at all.

[break][break] the faucet shuts off as jayden wipes his hand on some nearby towelettes, taking two glasses over to the counter. there's a certain comfort in the way the he pops open the champagne, pouring the bubbly liquid into the concave glasses and then walking them over to where his partner sits, face full of spaghetti.

[break][break] each are placed on coasters atop a glass coffee table.

[break][break] "come here. you have something on your face."

[break][break] the cushion creases as jayden sits beside them, taking out a handkerchief and dabbing their cheek gently. the pasta sauce dampens into the cloth.

[break][break] "but yeah," he murmurs. "that's what he said. when i was in evergrande today."

[attr="class","ooc"]
fern delaney

☉

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harper beck

they/he

twenty-nine

august 11

stow-on-side, galar

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forger

rocket admin

6'0 (it's 5'8) height

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TAG WITH @fern

POSTED ON May 19, 2023 17:34:34 GMT

[nospaces]

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[attr="class","star2"]“What? No, I don’t need—“[break][break]

What would normally be regarded as a sweet gesture suddenly makes them feel childish and unkempt. Like they can’t be expected to take care of themself. What they’d like to do is swat his hand away, but they still allow him to blot the pasta sauce. Though their eyes do avert from his. They fixate on the dark red of the wine set to the side.[break][break]

That ugly feeling continues to rise, resentment twisting in their stomach at whatever conversation is about to occur. Fern’s arms fold as they sit back against the couch once their plate has been transferred to the coffee table as well. All they want is to sink down into the cushions and disappear.[break][break]

Suddenly, it makes sense.[break][break]

The distance. The avoidance. The fight in the border and the gap they haven’t felt able to cross since then. They’ve never met a Chu-e. They’ve only gained an understanding through the reports they’ve read.[break][break]

Their glance darts sideways—looking at Jayden, but refusing to meet his eye. It gives off an air of suspicion. “Why were you in Evergrande? Your office isn’t there.”

[break][break]

jayden cross // m: doubt[break]

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jayden

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TAG WITH @jayden

POSTED ON May 21, 2023 3:03:26 GMT

illeana reyes likes this

[nospaces]

[attr="class","jaytop"]

[attr="class","lyrics"] look into my eyes right now

[attr="class","littlejay"]

jayden is equally out of it, so he doesn't notice their protests for what they are — rejections. instead, he tosses it up to them being humble, simply putting aside whatever it is that is making them deny them.

[break][break] perhaps, though, that is part of the problem.

[break][break] jayden does not listen.

[break][break] he places the hankchief back, instead leaning back into the couch to revert his gaze back to whatever channel it is that fern delaney has settled upon. are those two penguins running across the screen?

[break][break] glancing upon the documentary, he does not yet quite notice the way that fern's eyes dart away from him.

[break][break] "oh," he says, bringing the wine glass to his lips. "i was meeting illeana reyes there. we were having brunch."

[break][break] it would not be the first time that he had brought the head scientist up — they were childhood friends after all, and he had mentioned it in the last rocket meeting. though, now, that seemed nearly a lifetime ago.

[break][break] "maybe one day, the two of you can meet."

[break][break] it was a whimsical thought — considering she had been so invested in his love life last time.

[break]
[attr="class","ooc"]
fern delaney

☉

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harper beck

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TAG WITH @fern

POSTED ON May 24, 2023 21:56:35 GMT

illeana reyes likes this

[nospaces]

[attr="class","petalbase"]

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[attr="class","star2"]It’s unflattering, they know it is. It’s a childish sort of reaction, but they don’t care. It reminds them of their anger at the gala months ago. How jealous they’d felt seeing him interact with every person that wasn’t them. But now it’s amplified–ugly and intense because it’s more than a conversation or a simple dance.[break][break]

The concept that he is referring to illeana reyes flies right over Fern’s head. After all, she isn’t the one who’s made some grand declarations to jayden cross today. So to them, the implication is that he’d like them to formally meet Chu-e.[break][break]

It makes their stomach burn with irritable discomfort.[break][break]

Their face crumples with displeasure. “Why would I ever want to meet him?”[break][break]

In the moment, meeting with Illeana feels like no more than a flimsy cover. It was a blunt statement, but it wasn’t refuted or rebuffed, either. It makes them feel small and slow. Like they were not quick enough and they’ve missed their slim chance to say anything at all.[break][break]

No wonder he doesn’t want to be around them as of late.[break][break]

It stings. It stings in a way that is far more familiar than Fern cares to admit to. Fern is not enough. And so something better has been found.[break][break]

Their arms fold across their chest neatly. Protectively. They lean further into the cushions and fix their eyes ahead on the tv screen and the images that they don’t truly register.[break][break]

“If you’d rather be elsewhere, don’t let me stop you.”

[break][break]

jayden cross // m: doubt[break]

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jayden

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POSTED ON May 25, 2023 8:55:42 GMT

illeana reyes likes this

[nospaces]

[attr="class","jaytop"]

[attr="class","lyrics"] look into my eyes right now

[attr="class","littlejay"]

confusion ripples like water in a lake. did fern hate her? jayden could understand it. after all, it was the league scientist. why would jayden want a thing to do with them?

[break][break] "well, she —"

[break][break] before jayden could breach the intricacies of his intimate relationship with illeana reyes, he paused. a word registered.

[break][break] "he?"

[break][break] jayden blinks. violet eyes shift towards their partner as they bring two and two together. did fern think he meant chu-e?

[break][break] "you've met him before," is the first thing that he can think of. sure, perhaps chu-e's tenure in rocket had not been as long to someone like fern, who only arrived more recently in rocket, but his position should not have been a surprise. his death had shuddered through rocket's ranks like a fissure — or at least jayden had assumed.

[break][break] he still remembered the day Calem Pollet had told him, clear as day.

[break][break] jayden didn't understand. suddenly, it felt like being transported in time. back in the soiree, when he'd fought with fern over wanting to be with him there. it felt like all the thingns that they had repaired since the border was on the verge of breaking again — abruptly and for no reason.

[break][break] he sits up then, his body shifting towards fern. it's only now that he noticed their posture - folded and defensive - and it made his own voice rise in tension.

[break][break] "why would i be elsewhere?"

[break][break] "this is our home."

[break][break] you're my home.

[break]

[attr="class","ooc"]
fern delaney

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harper beck

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TAG WITH @fern

POSTED ON Jun 8, 2023 20:19:16 GMT

illeana reyes likes this

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[attr="class","star2"]Any confusion jayden cross feels is lost on Fern in the jumble of their emotions. As jealousy and anger burns them up. As they brace themself for some sort of let down that they’re positive is about to follow.[break][break]

The mixup about illeana reyes doesn’t even draw a relieved laugh as it should. They have no issue with her, and maybe if they were in a better mood, they’d agree that they’d like to meet her sometime when it’s feasible.[break][break]

Instead they fixate on Jayden as their statement snaps into place. “Not really, not personally.” And now with this knowledge, they’re even less inclined to be accomodating.[break][break]

Insecurity tightens the tension in their posture as they continue to look away. They can feel him shift more directly toward them, but Fern can’t bring themself to look.[break][break]

“Well, why wouldn’t you want to be off with someone who just declared their undying love, or whatever?” They huff audibly, and the urge to peel off the couch and walk away is there.[break][break]

But okay, so maybe they’re assuming a little and embellishing what they’ve just been told. So Fern remains glued in place as green tints the edges of their words. Coats their flip-flopping stomach in an ugly hue at the thought of him preferring to be somewhere else. With someone different.[break][break]

“Home shouldn’t be an obligation to come back to.” Ugly words for an ugly mood.

[break][break]

jayden cross // m: doubt[break]

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jayden

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TAG WITH @jayden

POSTED ON Jun 8, 2023 20:27:19 GMT

[nospaces]

[attr="class","jaytop"]

[attr="class","lyrics"] look into my eyes right now

[attr="class","littlejay"]

chu-e's death had been a fissure that had split through rocket, but somehow, this sudden tension between him and fern delaney is nearly as jarring. it reminds him of that day on the cliff in the borders, reminded of all the desperate feelings that had been drawn from that moment. it reminds him of the hopelessness he'd felt at the masquerade, confused as to the tautness in the other's expression.

[break][break] 'what do you care about? what do you want?'

[break][break] jayden had thought they had come to an understanding back then. but now it was here again, unraveling once again.

[break][break] "fern —"

[break][break] confusion coils in his chest, and he flinches at their words. an obligation? is that what they think of him? of this?

[break][break] "what are you talking about? why are you acting like this?"

[break][break] he frowns.

[break][break] "you're being foolish."

[break]

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fern delaney

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harper beck

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twenty-nine

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rocket admin

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long black tulips, born in your blue tints. lemongrass eyelids, smoke in your slick lips.

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TAG WITH @fern

POSTED ON Jun 8, 2023 22:48:42 GMT

[nospaces]

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[attr="class","star2"] This is all the fault of the border. Maybe their communication could have been better, but Fern chooses to allocate his blame to that stupid place with its stupid way of twisting emotions and creating space where there was never meant to be any.[break][break]

Now it yawns between them, and they’re convinced they’ve long driven him off. If they haven’t, they’re on the cusp of it. Perhaps that would be better—let the barriers come back up and do the damage themself. [break][break]

It hurts less that way. [break][break]

And it hurts less than the way they shrink at the volley of his questions. For a moment, they think they might crumble. Babble out the feelings that have started to pressurize in their chest at a slow pace so that the air leaks out without combustion. And then—[break][break]

you’re being foolish.[break][break]

Something in them snaps. Any remaining patience they may have had pools at their feet as they wrench up off the couch. “I’m being foolish? Why else would you tell me that? Out of practically nowhere.” [break][break]

Finally, with a slight degree of distance imposed, they look at him again. It stings to do so, but their expression remains acidic and frustrated. Pathetically so. “After weeks of being weird and distant, you drop this on me, and I’m being foolish?”[break][break]

A humorless laugh swallows up the gap between their words.

[break][break]

jayden cross // m: doubt[break]

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jayden

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TAG WITH @jayden

POSTED ON Jun 9, 2023 0:37:32 GMT

[nospaces]

[attr="class","jaytop"]

[attr="class","lyrics"] look into my eyes right now

[attr="class","littlejay"]

His eyes snap upwards, looking at them as they wrench upwards from the couch. Confusion is replaced by upset, walls of frustration flashing in his expression all too easily. It hides the hurt and confusion that wrings in his gut at the thought of them not understanding him, of them assuming the worst of him like his family used to.

[break][break] "I was telling you about my day," he said, as if it were obvious. As if he could not understand - for the life of him - why Fern was being like this. Because he didn't.

[break][break] Why was Fern acting as if he had done something wrong?

[break][break] Their humorless laugh descends like knives upon his skin, more hurtful than anything else they have said thus far.

[break][break] "I'm not being weird or distant. I'm here. With you."

[break][break] He looks at them, voice unbearingly stubborn, as violet storm collides with teal.

[attr="class","ooc"]
fern delaney

☉

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lou

harper beck

they/he

twenty-nine

august 11

stow-on-side, galar

pansexual

forger

rocket admin

6'0 (it's 5'8) height

long black tulips, born in your blue tints. lemongrass eyelids, smoke in your slick lips.

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TAG WITH @fern

POSTED ON Jun 9, 2023 17:39:35 GMT

[nospaces]

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[attr="class","star2"] A scoff slips free as they shake their head, incredulous. “Hardly. I don’t see how dropping an emotional bomb like that is just telling me about your day.” This was taking too much time. Discomfort twisted their stomach into knots.[break][break]

“Yeah, but for how long? Who knows when you’ll come back.” The gaps that fill the space between visits are felt acutely by Fern. Worse than it had been before. They’re busy too, but they make the time.[break][break]

He has never understood this. Maybe Chu-e offers something better. Offers space and the ability to come and go without the insistence of rest as Fern often smothers him with.[break][break]

What did they talk about in Evergrande? What did they do? Was it more enjoyable? Was coming back here a burden? Are they a burden?[break][break]

Fern is too much. And they are paying for it.[break][break]

Still, they meet his stare just as furiously, lips set in a firm line. “you haven’t been the same since the order. You have been distant.” Maybe Fern hasn’t been the same, either, but—[break][break]

“Why else would you tell me that, if not to hurt me? Or…” they go quiet again, the lump in their thought refusing to let the speculation be finished.

[break][break]

jayden cross // m: doubt[break]

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jayden

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POSTED ON Jun 9, 2023 18:02:32 GMT

[nospaces]

[attr="class","jaytop"]

[attr="class","lyrics"] look into my eyes right now

[attr="class","littlejay"]

'An emotional bomb?'

[break][break] He didn't understand it. He didn't understand why Fern was so upset, at least not at him. It wasn't as if he'd told Chu-e Choi that he loved him back, it wasn't as if he'd stayed with him in Evergrande.

[break][break] He'd come home. To Rocket, to Sootopolis, to them.

[break][break] "What are you talking about?" he says frustratingly. "I always come home." And that he did. Although work sometimes kept him preoccupied for lengths at a time, Jayden had always tried to communicate whenever it did.

[break][break] When they accuse him of being distant, he stands.

[break][break] "I've been busy. You've been busy too. We're preparing for the raid into the Ultra Deep Sea, thanks to priam conrad's intel. You know this."

[break][break] But it's when they talk about hurt, that it changes. The rapidly climbing frustration twists into confusion and then into pain when they accuse him of hurting them. The rift between them grows wider and wider, and Jayden has no idea how they've gotten there.

[break][break] "Is that what you think?" he says, voice suddenly quiet. "You think I want to hurt you?"

[break][break] Why would they say that? Why would they think that?

[break][break] Is it because they want to hurt him? Because they want to leave?

[break][break] "You don't trust me?"

[break]

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fern delaney

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long black tulips, born in your blue tints. lemongrass eyelids, smoke in your slick lips.

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TAG WITH @fern

POSTED ON Jun 29, 2023 22:14:37 GMT

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[attr="class","star2"] Of course Jayden hadn’t said as much back, but that’s something that Fern doesn’t know. If it were, this would blow over in a moment. If it were he wouldn’t be behaving this way.[break][break]

Everything in their mind has been derailed and turned upside down because of a few simple words after several not-so-simple weeks. They shake their head, “Maybe, but it doesn’t always feel like you’re here, does it? You’re off somewhere in your mind. Still working.”[break][break]

Fern’s heels dig into the argument, “That doesn’t matter! Ever since we were at the border, it’s been weird. You know that.” They don’t get why he doesn’t see it. Or how he doesn’t.[break][break]

“Well that’s the point, isn’t it?” Their own voice as his drops to quieter levels.[break][break]

They glide over the question of trust, because that isn’t really it. Fern does trust him, but now he’s dragged someone else into the conversation with no other information to inform them. They wait for the rug to be pulled out from under them. They wait to be disappointed. It wouldn’t have been the first time in their life.[break][break]

So why should this be any different when there’s nothing right now to prove otherwise?[break][break]

“You’ve said Chu-e loves you. That’s where you want to be, right? With him?” Now is when all of this fear and jealousy comes spilling out, though they don’t shout at him anymore. Their own expression is one of hurt and wariness. Instead of a shrill yell, they sound defeated and small, but even then that sour note of envy curdles the ends of their words. “So it’s only because you want to let me down carefully that you’re here, or…or you just feel bad for it.”

[break][break]

jayden cross // m: doubt[break]

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jayden

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december 25

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