the water comes, rushing all at once.

for a moment, she is breathless.



she suffocates in the silence of the waves. does she dare reach for the light? does she dare move away from the abyss that swallowed her whole? the woman's mind, once clear and full of competition, has now fallen back to old patterns. it screams and twists, the knife of guilt ramming in deeper at her sheer joy of the event. how dare she even have fun, when there's so much blood on her hands? she feels as if staying here, beneath the waves, is enough to compensate. if she gives her life, would they finally forgive her? would they finally stop tormenting her, following her every waking and dreaming step, offering no respite but in the simple moments before it all falls apart? she doesn't know, so she closes her eyes.


she remembers fire.



she remembers how the girl twisted and danced with it, her pokemon at her side. one would think elegant costume, elaborate stage. but no, this child was just in sneakers, thights, shorts and a sweater. so casual, so easy looking, but the way she fought was elegant. the fire seemed to spring from beneath her steps, as she twirled out of strikes. laughing and smiling, she directed her pokemon breathlessly. how many rockets had she taken out, by that point? so many. the fire curled at her fingers, at her waist. and yet, in a moment, it was all over, consumed she was by the flames. valdis remembers that the girl's death was immolation - so in her mind, she remembers the girl as she was. dancing, wild, free and beautiful, consumed by the very thing she lived her life on.


"is this truly what you want?" a voice asked.



gleaming red eyes and a cruel smirk on her lips. not everyone that came to fight for freedom was good. but they all wanted one thing - freedom. "it would be so easy, wouldn't it?" the voice taunted. she remembers the position, the face. and yet, she has to crush it, to expunge it and move it out of her heart, out of her soul - out of her life. yes she could not. it was an anchor that she could not get rid of. "you are a coward. no matter what others tell you, you are a coward - and we both know it. I could smell it on you. the stench of someone weak. you might live through it, but you will be broken." it says, taunting her still. was the voice wrong however? valdis couldn't remember, even as she felt her limbs shake.



"valdis... don't forget us." whispered another, soft and lost.



she remembers the eyes on this one too - crimson. but softer, kinder. they belonged to a girl with raven hair, and pale skin. with a gentle heart and soul, and one that found herself dying in a younger woman's arms. her voice was perhaps the worst. it was the voice of someone who knew death was coming. but there was still a fear despite the acceptance. "don't forget that we lived, but also don't keep us as a crutch. move on, remember us, but live." she had said. valdis still remembers the instant she felt the other's body lax, death having come to the other's door. she still remembers wanting to scream, but swallowing it. swallowing it, because there was a chance that she would live if she stayed quiet.



"don't go, don't go, please!" she had begged. he gave her a smile, and a gentle touch to the cheek. she grabbed his hand, and held on, even as he backed away. "I have to. you know this. you will understand some day, I know." he said.



and so, he moved - her hand slipped out, and she reached out, but slowly let her hand fall. "come back home, come back safe. please." she had begged. she had prayed, she had asked every myth out there to keep an eye on him. she would have done anything, she had begged then. but he came home in a bodybag, like the rest of them. dead, for a cause that seemed to dwindle and die more with each and every day.




"are you going to give up? just like that?" a fierce look, something that made her want to scream and cry at the same time. shame, guilt. "you're better then that. you're coming with me, and we're gonna fucking make it out, even if we have to climb over a mountain of enemy bodies you hear me!? none will stop us, and sure as hell, they won't kill us. so stop shaking, and get moving. you want to live? prove it! carry the cross of guilt on your back if you must, but MOVE!" and she did. for a moment, she could almost see the sardonic smile, the one that knew only one would make it. she hadn't understood then, so when the look of fierce determination came over, all valdis could think was that someday, she would repay this debt with a drink or something.







"you're a lot of trouble you know."
"I know."
"you're dreaming of things long gone."
"of things that are important to me."
"there's more then that to life, you know? we never wanted this for you."
"and yet, here I am."
"you're not going to join us today."
"I'm not?"
"no. so wake up valdis."
"wake up? how?"




the screech of a mantine. if she had to describe it, it was worried. scared. upset even. as if she had was it's trainer, and she had been turned to stone. but she was not - on all counts. so valdis reached out, and into the air she went.

breathing, she was alive.

and there was only one answer to everything.

it was all or nothing - and even if she gained nothing, she tried.

so come what may