"Junebug, what does broken mean?" Howard looked at his colleague. He had spent several minutes crying and screaming in an attempt to open his inventory. Once he had gotten the hang of it, he had realized his item pool was lacking, but his moves were not. "Do you mean bad moves? I have no bad moves. Mine are pretty good!"

How long were they going to play this game? Howard knew it was June, aka the person he almost killed, aka the person he needed to apologize to, aka the person he did not want to be anywhere near. Alas.

"Oh. You mean my Pokemon? It's not broken, it's pristine!" Howard said. "Cradily!

Yeah, definitely not broken. Cradily was currently C-tier on the Birth By Sleep tier list, constantly being updated by local gamer kyle lopez. Maybe it'd get better in a later patch, but it wasn't looking particularly impressive.

"Where do we go?" Howard Teleported after June as they traveled through the city. On his end, several artifacts had been tossed about. The duo passed a Tyrantrum skeleton, alongside a pile of funeral urns, and finally a strange vessel.

---

june sleigh
SLAYTEPORT: Rock Slide/Teleport/Retaliate

“Broken means really, really good,” June explains. “And I have no idea. I was hoping you knew what we’re supposed to do here.”

Damn it. Looks like this Slayteport guy (sounds like a name her friend howard slayte would come up with) isn’t very privy to the gaming shit either. Maybe she should’ve tried to team up with some of those other folks. Gotten more than one singular person in her party. As it stands, they are at a massive time loss.

“I have a Galvantula,” she says while she stops dead in her tracks. Why are there so many funeral urns? And a huge Pokémon skeleton? “I don’t think it will help right now though. Maybe we’re supposed to find some stairs. Or fight a creature. I think people call them ‘mobs’. Or whatever.”

Nerds. Nothing has attacked them yet. Maybe it is just finding the metaphorical stairs to the next room. “You know what this weird… thing is, Slayteport?”

June walks up to the vessel. Nothing about it is familiar. It sure does look pretty… pretty WORTHLESS. Her chibi arms try to grab it.

“You think we can sell this thing to the dog for more–” She cuts off mid-sentence as the vessel instead falls backward. It smashes weirdly as the ground and breaks into three distinct pictures, like a slideshow. This is the best games can offer? These visuals suck.

Whatever, it’s broken on the ground now. A dozen pieces in a very neat area.

“Now look what you’ve done! You’ve fucked it up,” The last person says. Oh, right. She almost forgot about this guy. ‘God’.

“Shut up,” she snaps. This doesn’t matter. They just need to find the exit for this floor. Unfortunately for the group, they will soon learn that this floor does indeed have some form of combat.

Off in the distance, a sound grows. Chants of a contract, a collection fee, and complaints about her stupid actions grow louder and louder as a small group of something comes their way. Fuck. Must’ve been because she broke the stupid thing.

And then, they emerge from down the street, through an angry horde of faceless clones and a mountain of sarcophagi. Many, many Gholdengo storm their way. June gulps. “Erm, what the statue?”

It’s fucking George G. Gold. Fucking hell. “Ok, I hope you’re ready for a fight, Slayteport and God!”

They are going to fucking die.

---

howard slayte

"I see." Howard did not see, but video game language was completely incomprehensible to him. Why was 'broken' insanely good? Nobody wanted a broken artifact. Were the game devs stupid? Howard stopped pondering that as Junebug attempted to pick up the artifact. "Wait, don-"

The vessel dropped and shattered into pieces.

"Well, that just happened." God said, looking towards Howard.

Huh. God looked familiar. Best not to think about it and go back to screaming.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Howard fell towards his knees and screamed, his cries of anguish attracting foes towards them. That didn't matter. Howard wanted to die. He wanted to throw himself off a cliff. The Vessel... it had been Ruined!

"Look what you've done!" Howard hissed at Junebug as they ran. "We could've sold that for a trillion E-Gimmicoins! You've brought Ruination upon our finances!"

Perhaps drawn by the destruction of E-Gimmicoin, George G. Gold grew closer. Howard put his hand in front of Junebug. "Leave it to me, Junebug! I've got this. I'll let out all my rage about being destitute. Right here. Right now! I'll close this chapter on the karmic absolution I owe!"

Unsheathing his blade, Howard let out a ferocious roar.

"HRAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!" Hamward lunged forward, Teleporting as he did so. His blade appeared in a flash as he prepared to RETALIATE against George G. Gold. His blade swished through the air with the intention of shredding the Gholdengo like a hot knife through butter.

This was it! He was going to-

Dink. The blade harmlessly clinked off George's golden form.

"Eh?" Hamward blinked as his strike did no damage.

"That sounded better in my head." God said.

---

june sleigh

June has no choice but to follow along with the other two as they run for their lives. “What the fuck is E-gimmicoin?! I thought we were going to fight back there! Like I said we should!”

Perhaps it is his plan from the start, but Slayteport decides to make good on the promise anyway. Much like in those weird shows she’s seen ads for, he pulls out a sword and teleports directly on top of the closest George. She half expects the avatar to say ‘No hard feelings, buddy’ as they all do.

Instead, he swings his sword for zero damage. Huh? So… they themselves are worthless? Why even fucking bother giving them shit to use if it didn’t do anything?!

“This dream game thing fucking sucks,” she repeats. Yet there isn’t any time to waste; her party member is about to be obliterated by the statues! Fuck, fuck, she needs to save his ass. First, she releases the Galvantula from its ball. Its shadowy aura looks intimidating even for her, yet its awful gaze only focuses on the golden mobs.

“Go… distract them, or some shit!” she commands the bug. On her end, she quickly navigates her menu to find the items. Technically, she could only use them in combat. This is combat. So, she pops her ‘Choice Scarf’.

Pure, instant power fills her model. Like she’s done crack, pure adrenaline, and ten energy drinks all in one go. Speed practically emanates off of her as she rushes forward. For her action, she barrels right into Slayteport just as a hail of coins fly from the Gholdengo’s fingers.

Instead, it looks like she picks him up in the game. Now a fireman carry, they continue a few more paces past the mob before they come to a halt. “Well, this is awkward.”

June lets him go. Meanwhile, ‘God’ and Cathode attack the creatures. They serve perfectly as distractions, but one of them fairs much, much better than the other. “Should we… help them out? Or maybe they’ll get teleported to us if we find the next floor.”

“They’re right behind me, aren’t they?” ‘God’ says. A Shadow Ball slams into his back, doing a massive chunk of damage. Cathode electrocutes one of the several statues, immediately eliminating it. It disappears into a puff of smoke.

“They’re fine. Probably. Give them your Cradily and let’s blow this lemonade stand.”

---

howard slayte
Choice Scarf/Quick Claw/ Heavy Duty Boots

Hoenn IGN was going to give this game a terrible score. Hamward could sense it.

Hopefully the game got discontinued quickly. Ideally while the players weren't still inside it. Howard was carried by Junebug away from George's golden grasp. God strikes at the golden statues with a Spikemunth vinyl set, while Cathode is actually productive. Flo appears in a flash of light, the purified Pokémon joining its corrupted comrade.

"That's gonna leave a mark..." God groaned as he got to his feet. Flo supported with a Rock Slide, crushing several Georges under a pile of rubble.

"Erm, what the [death message]?" The Georges disappeared in puffs of smoke. Hamward pumped a fist as the duo blew this popsicle stand. Being carried by Junebug was a strange experience, given he was a hamster. Hadn't he carried June in a similar way during that island incident? When was that, again? Had it been in September, or...?

He couldn't remember. How had that battle ended, again?

At least he wasn't being princess carried. Hamward's dignity wouldn't survive that.

"Stairs! Stairs!" Hamward squeaked at June as he pointed a small hamster paw towards a massive stairway. It even had neon green signs pointing towards it.

"That was easier than I thought." God said.

---

june sleigh

“Good eye, Slayteport!” June says. Sure enough, the exit lies ahead of them. Lighten up with numerous green arrows screaming at them to go this way. So, she wastes no time and takes them over. God follows along, but June recalls Cathode before it can cause more problems.

It’s weird, how their bodies contort into massless pixels and whatever-the-fucks while they go to their next destination. She doesn’t have a mouth, but the need to scream is overwhelming. It’s impossible to describe being deconstructed and reconstructed in real time, but it happens. Thankfully, the awful feeling comes and goes rather fast.

And then they’re… where the hell are they now? It’s dark. They stand on the side of the road, down the street from an intersection. Across the street is a Burger Kingler, alone and desolate at the peak of night. Lights are spaced out perfectly to give barely enough light. At least the moon sits high above, illuminating the dismal scene.

“This your memory, or something? Arceus, you need friends,” June drops Slayteport for real this time. This is awful. The last floor was really easy: this one looks absolutely stupid. “What, you got a special order at this shitty fast food place?”

She could already imagine the grease-soaked food. Ew. Yet much like last time, this doesn’t last long. Way down the street approaches their next enemy, roadblock, obstacle, yadda-yadda.

“Slayteport, God… are you guys fucking criminals or some shit? Why are the cops coming over here?”

“Well, before we get started,” God says, “does anyone want to get away?”

“Shut the fuck up, God. Arceus.”

---

howard slayte
Heavy Duty Boots/Quick Claw

"Yeah?" God said as June mentioned his name. "I'm not Arceus, just ahead of the curve."

Meanwhile, Hamward collapsed into a heap and screamed internally. Great, they were here? Seriously? The fucking Burger Kingler? Wasn't this the one in downtown Slateport, where Howard, Shred and Grigori had robbed a corner store. That had been wild! Howard hadn't been involved, but he had done a crossword while Grigori and Shred broke someone's femur over a cash register.

Fun times.

"Stop right there!" kyle lopez ran towards them. "You've violated the law! Fork over your stolen goods!"

"Oh my god!" Hamward squealed.

"Yeah? God said.

"Shut up. Kyle Lopez, can I get your autograph?"

Reaching for his firearm holster, Kyle pulled out a small Ho-Oh, and cocked the bird's neck. The bird let out a squawk, and spat out a flamethrower. Several Kyles joined him, creating a wall of fire. Another Kyle cut the leash on several police dogs. Huh. Those were familiar...

Several police Enteis attacked.

---

june sleigh

“Why the fuck are you– woah woah WOAH–”

June jumps backward as the league champion pulls out a miniature bird and opens fire. Literally. Open flame engulfs the area where she just was. The other Kyles follow suit to create an awful sea of oppressing heat. As if that isn’t bad enough, several fucked up dogs join the attack as well.

Cathode jumps out of the ball once more and begins the combat encounter. God joins once again and still manages to do less than nothing. Great. Last time she let any deadbeats join her party.

“Slayteport, what the fuck are we supposed to do?!” She looks towards the insurmountable wall of flame. Arceus, things went to hell real fast. Maybe she could…

Yea! This Slayteport guy? Probably just sucked at combat! Her, though? She’s built different. Perhaps better. She would succeed where this loser failed. “Cover me, I’m going in!”

June bolts around the stream of inferno, right toward the side of the ‘cops’. She pulls back her fist and launches it straight into– ZERO FUCKING DAMAGE?! What the hell, she put all her strength into that! Arceus, this shit sucks! At least Cathode backs her up and launches and attack right towards the one she attacks.

Right before it could obliterate her off the face of the Earth. “Slayteport, God, do something! Anything! Please!”

---

howard slayte
Heavy Duty Boots/Quick Claw

"KYLE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Hamward screamed as the Top Champion throttled his Ho-Oh. The flames it spat out were hot and spicy. Dammit! Could they defeat a Kyle so powerful that it turned Legendary Pokemon into mere firearms? This was incomprehensible!

As an Entei lunged at him, Hamward teleported with a nearby rock.

"C'mon, Flo! Do something!" Hamward shouted as his Cradily lunged into action. Using its recently acquired power, it taunted the Kyles to FOLLOW ME, a neon sign with the words BLACK MARKET COSMOG THIS WAY written on it. The Kyle Lopezes scrambled after the sign, leaving the way forward open.

"Into the Burger Kingler!" Hamward lunged into the fast food joint. Inspecting the restaurant, the hamster archaeologist found a flight of stairs leading up to the next floor. "Junebug! The next level is in the men's restroom!"

"Well, that was easy." God said as the trio crawled up the stairs.

---

june sleigh

Of course it is. June no longer wants to know what the hell this guy (or both of them) has in terms of ‘events’ that happened here. Just the thought of it makes her shiver in place as she pushes in and on.

However, the place they emerge from is actually reminiscent of a ‘dungeon’. Or, at least, what all those pictures online showed. A large, massive cavern full of fog and stalactites and cold. She doesn’t know how, but it smells like smoke. Did one of them have a dream involving a smoker or some shit? Get locked in one?

But before she can ask her companions, something moves. A blur of red embers whizzes past their heads, leaving behind a trail of firey feathers. Even if the other two didn’t know what these are, June knows exactly what they face immediately. It makes another run, and gets much, much closer this time. It’s scouting them out, right? Has to be. They need to move to cover, fast.

“Guys, get to the–”

“Erm, what the scalLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPppppppp” God’s voice gets further and further. The mysterious Talonflame had come for the third time, finally ready to attack. It doesn’t take long for his voice to become a mere whisper, an echo that bounces off the distant walls. Unfortunately, the next loud noise they hear is a loud SPLAT.

Slayteport flinches, then bolts in a random direction. “OH GOD PLEASE DON’T LET IT HURT ME I’M GONNA DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

June can’t find a reason to not follow him, but his immediate declaration of defeat is annoying. “Get a grip, Slayteport! We just need to–”

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

It makes another attempt at them, now using a gust of wind to blow over several columns. The sound of their collapse is only eclipsed by the anticipation of the noise. “Hold on!”

June rushes forward and grabs the man again, this time pulling the hamster over her shoulder. As the columns slam into the cavern floor, she menus as fast as humanly possible and uses the Heavy Duty Boots. A comically large pair of boots spawns on her model, and they make contact. These should allow her to dodge the rocks, right?

Close enough. She suddenly teleports across the field of stone entirely, appearing on the complete opposite side. “Oh man, I really fucked up this time… why can't I Teleport out of here…”

Oh, did the fucker teleport? “Nice call out, dumbass! I just wasted my boots!”

They despawn but she keeps running. If they can find the exit, like last time, then they’ll be good. The Talonflame has other plans. Another surge of wind and flame illuminates the air. More columns are torn from their bases, and they fall parallel to her path. They reveal the cavern walls, though, as they hit the sides.

Fuck. “Slayteport, she’s closing us in! Now we can’t–”

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! All the dust and air flies away, vacuumed off by some otherworldly force. June turns around, only to see the Pokémon of their ire. A massive ember bird floats in the air, flapping its wings in rhythmic fashion. Its size is incomparable to anything else she’s seen: this thing is easily five times larger than the average Talonflame. It explains how it's able to be so threatening yet so fast.

With the massive influx of flame, the entire area is revealed. It is massive, it is wide, and it doesn’t have anything else in it. There is no exit. So… they have to fight it?

“Alright Slayteport, send out your Cradily! Cathode, go!” June calls out. Cathode escapes its ball with a surprisingly loud roar. It’s joined by a purified brother in Cradily. All they have to do is land one or two really good blows, and it’s collapse. Talonflame is not known for its resilience, after all.

“Cathode, Discharge!”

“Cradily, save me– I mean, Rock Slide!”

Their attacks fly out, arcing right towards the Talonflame. It dodges the cascade of rocks and electricity with ease, now flying straight at them!

“Oh ARCEUS PLEASE HELP ME I DON’T DESERVE TO–AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

It goes straight for the hamster. Its talons dig into his shoulders, and he flies underneath the awful grip of the bird. His fate is the same as God’s: his body goes straight into the wall, disappearing into a flurry of pixels.

“Cathode, try again! Discharge!”

Yet the attack once again misses. Their enemy is too fast, too swift. It wastes no time in coming back, diving straight for her. Is this where she loses? June can NOT lose this opportunity. Not for the world.

“Wait, I got it!” June once more delves into her menu, going to her inventory. One final item, ready for use. This has to be perfect. One chance. She selects the Quick Claw with determination.

Claws touch her model, but she immediately teleports out of their grip. A few inches forward, she manages to steal the priority from the bird. “Cathode, NOW!”

The two Pokémon combine their attacks into the dazed bird. Rocks crumble in its feathers, and white lighting shakes it to its very core. Combine that with the fact it ran into the wall when it missed June, and it stands no chance. With one final death cry, the Pokémon shrinks and shrinks until it too fades into pixels.

Is that it? Did June win?

VICTORY!

A jingle plays inside the cavern as it slowly fades into white light. She lets out the air she didn’t know she was holding. Looks like she got broken items after all. “Thanks, stupid dog.”

Everything goes white, and she’s teleported outside the cavern. Back to the overworld. Thankfully, a few more people join her…

---

howard slayte
All items Used!

Boss time.

God, Junebug, and Hamward stared at a giant, ferocious monster. Naturally, the boss of this dungeon had to be as equally nonsensical as the rest of this cesspit of a dungeon. Maybe it'd be a Navy riding a scarlet motorcycle, or a Kyle Lopez with wings, or even...

"Shirley!?" Hamward squeaked at the titanic Aerodactyl, which let out a ferocious roar that caused God's glasses to get pushed up slightly."Awkward." God said.

Hamward was really beginning to hate that waste of oxygen. Whenever he looked at God, Hamward had the inhuman (inhamster?) urge to choke Shred with a zip tie and toss him off a cliff. Hopefully that feeling disappeared, because Shred's days were getting more and more numbered as God continued to open his mouth.

"Stupid dinosaur! Slayteport, do something about it!" Junebug yelled at him. Hamward rolled his eyes as he looked at Shirley. This wasn't the real Shirley, it was a video game one. He didn't have to feel bad about slaying this beast, assuming he even could. It was ginormous!

Hamward's blade glowed with a bright sheen as he unsheathed it.

"That sounded better in my he-" God said before being eaten by Shirley. Hamward screamed as God died.

"That's it! You're done! You killed God, and now it's time for you to suffer!" Hamward lunged forward, his blade gleaming as he RETALIATED for God's death. His blade barely struck Shirley before the Aerodactyl dissolved into a slew of pixels.

That was... too easy. Maybe Hamward was stronger than he thought?

His vision filled with light as he was warped away. Thud. Hamward fell from the sky, before landing on Junebug's head.

---

june sleigh

Junebug is crushed underneath the weight of Slayteport. Instead of being put right on the ground like she was, he must’ve been put above a few dozen feet. Even if this is a dream, the weight sure does fucking suck. Like a sack of bricks crushes her entire body, except this isn’t a cartoon and it hurts.

Not enough to give her a ‘game over’, thankfully. Instead, she pushes the hamster model off of her and rises to her feet. “Lay off the fucking food yea? Ugh…”

The game stops for no one, though. No one still around. The victory pop up sticks around, only closable by touching the prompt on the bottom. This opens up a digital chest, which reveals… the item that they went in there for! “Hey, Slatyeport, God, I got something! It’s…”

“What the fuck is this.”

She doesn’t need to investigate the sprite to know what it is. That damn contract she signed from her last dream. Right there, clear as day. Hell, if she squints she can make out the words written on it in ink. At the very bottom is her own signature. Perhaps worst of all is a little blurb of text given to the item, a description written for those that have the context for it:

‘George G. Gold ALWAYS gets what he wants. Always.’

“Slayteport, how do I throw away items in my inventory? I don’t want this reward. Wait, did you get the same thing I did? You better not have, or I'm gonna be pissed.”

---

howard slayte