MARCH UPDATE

5'4" / 162 cm height

it gets lonely in this gangster's paradise

awards

1,207 posts

DOLLARS

part of

TAG WITH @memo

POSTED ON Aug 30, 2022 18:22:37 GMT

Yeah, Guillermo hadn’t missed that Alex was hugging a ghost-- something that, ninety seconds ago, would have sent him into a full-blown, passing-out panic. But Memo supposed that some traumas outweighed others-- some feelings were just heavier, needed out more.

He continues his gentle back-rubbing, pausing every few seconds to rub his thumb along the back of Alex’s neck, through the hair at his nape, then back to the space between his shoulderblades, where he can feel his ribcage heaving with sobs.

“Oh, honey,” he murmurs, fighting off his own urge to get involved, to offer comfort. This wasn’t about him, this was about Alex, and Memo would just be there when it was time to come back up for air.

Alexei Ivanov

close tab

played by

Ceej

Memo

He/him

August 26

Spikemuth, Galar Region

Homosexual

Ranger Captain

Elite Ranger

5'4" / 162 cm height

it gets lonely in this gangster's paradise

awards

1,207 posts

DOLLARS

part of

TAG WITH @memo

POSTED ON Aug 30, 2022 18:16:04 GMT

[attr="class","samcam"]

Memo honestly didn't know what he expected. Recoil, perhaps. Scorn, definitely. A request to get out and never be seen again, at his darkest. But Alex simply takes it all in and passes it by.

His eyes go a little wide and dreamy because he's just spouted his whole truth, everything about him, and Alex just... took it, unbothered. He didn't seem to care that Memo was essentially, at one point, a prostitute.

"I--," he says, voice choked up and full of emotion, "I-- don't think I deserve you, holy shit. Can I kiss you again?"

Alexei Ivanov

[newclass=.samcam] [/newclass][newclass=.samcam b] color: #d49736; font-size: 12px; letter-spacing: .5px; [/newclass][newclass=.samcam i] color: #d49736; font-size: 12px; letter-spacing: .5px; [/newclass][newclass=.samcam u] text-decoration: none;border-bottom: dashed 1px #d49736; font-size: 12px; letter-spacing: .5px; [/newclass][newclass=.samcam a] text-transform:uppercase!important;font: 800 15px Poppins!important; [/newclass]

close tab

played by

Ceej

Memo

He/him

August 26

Spikemuth, Galar Region

Homosexual

Ranger Captain

Elite Ranger

5'4" / 162 cm height

it gets lonely in this gangster's paradise

awards

1,207 posts

DOLLARS

part of

TAG WITH @memo

POSTED ON Aug 30, 2022 18:08:07 GMT

[attr="class","samcam"]

YOU'RE NOT ALONE

He had, then, a disastrously sinking feeling that, maybe, Alex, wouldn’t believe him. Maybe he’d think Guillermo was lying-- though why, exactly, he’d come to that conclusion, Memo couldn’t say. It was the panic, he thought, threatening to shake him apart.

Alex seems to be going through it, too, but he drags himself back with talking about Kaida, and Memo can only nod, numb.

“After the-- third scan, we had to pick a terminal: past, present, or future. I-- left you guys behind and chose the future. Zuza stayed with you, to help guide you. She stayed with you until the end. Until she got deleted.” And he was crying now, not full-body sobs but definitely a steady stream of tears spilling over his cheeks.

close tab

played by

Ceej

Memo

He/him

August 26

Spikemuth, Galar Region

Homosexual

Ranger Captain

Elite Ranger

5'4" / 162 cm height

it gets lonely in this gangster's paradise

awards

1,207 posts

DOLLARS

part of

TAG WITH @memo

POSTED ON Aug 30, 2022 4:23:49 GMT

Alexei Ivanov likes this

[attr="class","samcam"]

There was a pitched moment of sheer panic where all of Memo’s instincts to run kicked in; it was during Alex’s contemplative silence and it took every fibre of Memo’s being to remain there, curled up on Alex’s chest, body strumming like a livewire, stock-still like a rabbit on the run.

Then Alex says what he says and Memo can only stare.

"I--," he squeaked, not believing, "how-- how are you not disgusted by me?"

Alexei Ivanov

close tab

played by

Ceej

Memo

He/him

August 26

Spikemuth, Galar Region

Homosexual

Ranger Captain

Elite Ranger

5'4" / 162 cm height

it gets lonely in this gangster's paradise

awards

1,207 posts

DOLLARS

part of

TAG WITH @memo

picnic rocks [s]

POSTED ON Aug 30, 2022 4:21:12 GMT

[nospaces]

[attr="class","rigid"]

[attr="class","rigidw"]
Memo had jumped up to start folding towels and packing away chairs, but he paused, mid-fold, as Alex stammered out his invite.
[break][break]
“I do want,” he said, eventually, through the massive smile that was oozing over his face. “Let me drop my stuff off at mine and-- I’ll be over, yeah? And I can make us breakfast in the morning?”
[break][break]
The boy was already planning a three-course brunch.

[attr="class","rigidtag"]Alexei Ivanov

[attr="class","rigidnotes"]

notes.

physical touch is his love language

[attr="class","rigidpokes"] TITANIC ♀ ADAPTABILITY - HEAD SMASH, DOUBLE EDGE, THRASH, AQUA TAIL, FINAL GAMBIT, SOAK

SILAS ♂ WEAK ARMOR - DISABLE, SPITE, NIGHTSHADE, HEX, CURSE, GRUDGE

OLÍMPIA ♀ DAMP - DRAGON BREATH, HYDRO PUMP, AGILTY, SMOKESCREEN, RAIN DANCE

ROLLO ♂ ICE BODY - WATER GUN, SHEER COLD, SWAGGER, POWDER SNOW

[newclass=.rigid] width: 400px; margin: 0 auto; font-family: roboto; color: #aaa; font-size: 11px; letter-spacing: .5px; text-align:justify; padding-top: 20px; padding-bottom: 20px; line-height: 15px;[/newclass]
[newclass=.rigid b] color: #d49736; font-size: 11.5px; font-family: trebuchet ms; letter-spacing: .5px; [/newclass]
[newclass=.rigid a] text-decoration: none; color: #d49736; font-style: italic; font-weight: lighter; [/newclass]
[newclass=.rigid h1, h2, h3] display: inline-block; [/newclass]
[newclass=.rigid h1] font-size: 13px; font-weight: lighter; color: #d49736; letter-spacing: .5px; line-height: 0px; font-family: monospace; text-transform: uppercase; [/newclass]
[newclass=.rigid i] color: #d49736; [/newclass]
[newclass=.rigid u] text-decoration: none;border-bottom: solid 1px #d49736; [/newclass]

[newclass=.rigidtag] text-align: right; padding-bottom: 20px; padding-top: 20px; font: 10px monospace; [/newclass]
[newclass=.rigidtag a] font: 11px Montserrat; font-weight: 800!important; font-style: italic; letter-spacing: 0px; text-transform: lowercase; [/newclass]

[newclass=.rigidnotes] text-align: justify; padding: 20px 40px 10px 40px; font: 10px monospace; letter-spacing: .3px; border-top: solid 1.5px #323232; [/newclass]
[newclass=.rigidnotes h1] font: 14px Montserrat; font-weight: 800!important; font-style: italic; letter-spacing: 0px; text-transform: uppercase; color: #d49736; text-shadow: 2px 2px 0px #1e1e1e; padding-bottom: 5px; text-align:center;[/newclass]
[newclass=.rigidnotes a] font: 11px Montserrat; font-weight: 800!important; font-style: italic; letter-spacing: 0px; text-transform: lowercase; color: #d49736; [/newclass]

[newclass=.rigidw] padding: 40px; background: #272727; [/newclass]

[newclass=.rigid span] display: inline-block; [/newclass]

[newclass=.rigidpokes] text-align: center; margin: 0 auto; background: #d49736; padding: 5px; width: 390px; margin-left: -40px; margin-bottom: -40px; margin-top: 10px; [/newclass]
[newclass=.rigidpokes img] margin-top: -10px; padding-bottom: 5px; [/newclass]

close tab

played by

Ceej

Memo

He/him

August 26

Spikemuth, Galar Region

Homosexual

Ranger Captain

Elite Ranger

5'4" / 162 cm height

it gets lonely in this gangster's paradise

awards

1,207 posts

DOLLARS

part of

TAG WITH @memo

POSTED ON Aug 30, 2022 4:07:56 GMT

Memo stepped back, just a few inches, and let it happen, let Alex have his space, so he could get out what he needed to get out. He felt his own eyes tearing up as Alex poured his heart-- his beautiful, huge, wonderful heart-- out into the open air, littering the Duskull with tears and apologies, crystalline, fragile, and rare.

Guillermo swallowed, forcing himself to remain calm, distant for the time; he didn’t interject to defend Alex, to say you didn’t let anyone die, like he wanted to.

After a minute or so, he reached out and gently laid a hand on Alex’s back, rubbing small circles into the span between his shoulderblades.

Alexei Ivanov

close tab

played by

Ceej

Memo

He/him

August 26

Spikemuth, Galar Region

Homosexual

Ranger Captain

Elite Ranger

5'4" / 162 cm height

it gets lonely in this gangster's paradise

awards

1,207 posts

DOLLARS

part of

TAG WITH @memo

POSTED ON Aug 30, 2022 4:04:02 GMT

[attr="class","samcam"]

YOU'RE NOT ALONE

“I don’t know… why, exactly,” Memo confessed, squeezing Alex’s hand, “but you had a-- a giant, deleted portion, in your chest. In your heart.” His eyes stung again and he squeezed them shut. “It took all your memories. Of everyone-- yourself included. I think that’s why you can’t remember from that point.”

This was the hard part.

“The next scan took something from everyone, too. From me, it-- it t--.” The world felt like it was collapsing down around him, all the space in space squeezed to the head of a pin; the blood roared in his ears, and if he squeezed his eyes shut and held his breath he could pretend he was anywhere, anytime, anyone else.

“It altered me. It took away my ability to care. My compassion. Kaida lost her-- her sense of-- I don’t know. Being inhibited? Pride or shame? I don’t know her super well so it’s hard to say. You lost your sight. Your eyes.” The black voids in Alex’s skull stared at him from the darkness behind his own eyelids. He teetered, realized he wasn’t breathing, that he was having a full-on panic attack and he didn’t know what to do.

close tab

played by

Ceej

Memo

He/him

August 26

Spikemuth, Galar Region

Homosexual

Ranger Captain

Elite Ranger

5'4" / 162 cm height

it gets lonely in this gangster's paradise

awards

1,207 posts

DOLLARS

part of

TAG WITH @memo

POSTED ON Aug 30, 2022 3:56:16 GMT

Alexei Ivanov likes this

[attr="class","samcam"]

tw 4 suggested noncon, drug use

He makes a sound halfway between a whine and a sob because he wasn't getting out of this, was he?

"I--," oh, god, he was going. He was going to have to say this. "My-- fuck, I don't-- I don't know. I kissed a boy at school (in a bathroom! I thought we were safe) and my parents found out and I guess they were tired of me-- transgressing, so my mom looked me in the eye and said I was dead to her and my dad had already hit me so I just."

He was not going to cry, he wasn't. "Left, and I was outside and alone and, it's a community, right, everyone knows everything (so stupid of me to think I was safe) so no one would take me in. So I-- I slept at the bus stop or under a bridge and. The first time, it was raining sooo bad and I. was so hungry. I snuck into a shitty dive bar and was planning on dining and dashing when a bunch of people about my age came in."

And now that he'd started he couldn't stop. "And we got to talking and I followed them to a couple clubs and there was this guy, who was clearly into me, and-- I don't know, I got really drunk and went back to his place and. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, and I didn't really care, all that mattered is I was warm and dry and I didn't have to worry about waking up with a knife at my throat. So I-- I just did what he wanted." He squeezes his eyes shut, voice breaking. "I don't-- I'd never done anything before so I just. Let him do what he wanted. Over and over. He was drunk. And then when he finally passed out I stole some cash out of his wallet and skipped town."

SPOILER: Click to show

He laughs, and it comes out the tiniest bit unhinged. "And then it was just. Just that. Over and over and over again for years. Eventually, I learned-- hah, learned, that's a funny verb-- what was easiest, if I got really good at it I could just do that, in the bathroom, get the fifty bucks for the motel. And-- I let people give me drugs or buy me drinks because it was easier. Easier to pretend. Easier to ignore. To rise above it."

He swallows, a little bit more under control. "And I'm pretty sure I got roofied at least twice but-- it doesn't matter because what was going to happen just happened. You know, a lot of university towns have free STD testing."

"And I was really-- I. Was in a really bad place. Like, bad bad, when my cousin messaged me and suggested I come to Hoenn. So I did. And the Rangers-- saved my life. Meeting you saved my life."

Alexei Ivanov

close tab

played by

Ceej

Memo

He/him

August 26

Spikemuth, Galar Region

Homosexual

Ranger Captain

Elite Ranger

5'4" / 162 cm height

it gets lonely in this gangster's paradise

awards

1,207 posts

DOLLARS

part of

TAG WITH @memo

picnic rocks [s]

POSTED ON Aug 30, 2022 3:50:59 GMT

Alexei Ivanov likes this

[nospaces]

[attr="class","rigid"]

[attr="class","rigidw"]
“Touche.”
[break][break]
Memo pressed a kiss to the inside of Alex’s wrist, where his pulse thrummed in his veins, and sat up, stretching. “Well, the cooler is significantly lighter,” he joked, smothering another yawn, “so if you want to fly on back I can probably pack everything up and haul it over on my fish and walrus.”
[break][break]
Titanic would be so happy about that. It was a bitch and a half getting everything out here.

[attr="class","rigidtag"]Alexei Ivanov

[attr="class","rigidnotes"]

notes.

physical touch is his love language

[attr="class","rigidpokes"] TITANIC ♀ ADAPTABILITY - HEAD SMASH, DOUBLE EDGE, THRASH, AQUA TAIL, FINAL GAMBIT, SOAK

close tab

played by

Ceej

Memo

He/him

August 26

Spikemuth, Galar Region

Homosexual

Ranger Captain

Elite Ranger

5'4" / 162 cm height

it gets lonely in this gangster's paradise

awards

1,207 posts

DOLLARS

part of

TAG WITH @memo

POSTED ON Aug 30, 2022 3:47:20 GMT

Alexei Ivanov likes this

Memo rocked forward onto his toes, smile peaking; if he’d had canine ears, they’d have perked.

“That has a nice ring to it, you know,” he quipped, boyish grin plastered across his face; it all faded, though, as Alex appeared to get choked up.

“Oh, honey,” Memo swung out in front of Alex, palm to palm, fingers intertwined; he caught the hand that was wringing at the empty air, palm to palm, fingers intertwined. “It’s not a fault to have a large, caring heart. You just… also need to balance it, sometimes. With… understanding your own limits. It’s not fair to yourself, or anyone, if you take on the weight of the world and blame yourself for things you can’t control.”

Like with Zelle's family.

Alexei Ivanov

close tab

played by

Ceej

Memo

He/him

August 26

Spikemuth, Galar Region

Homosexual

Ranger Captain

Elite Ranger

5'4" / 162 cm height

it gets lonely in this gangster's paradise

awards

1,207 posts

DOLLARS

part of

TAG WITH @memo

POSTED ON Aug 30, 2022 3:37:46 GMT

[attr="class","samcam"]

Oh, god.

"I-- that is honest. None of what I did mattered."

And he desperately needed it to be true, because if it wasn't, it fundamentally changed him as a person.

He heaved a breath. "I did-- I did a lot of stupid shit, okay? I was broke, and on my own, and angry. And the first time--," his voice breaks, and he forces himself to look into Alex's eyes, anchoring himself there--

"Alex, I-- I'm so scared you'll hate me. Please."

Please don't make me say this.

Because that would be admitting, acknowledging.

Alexei Ivanov

close tab

played by

Ceej

Memo

He/him

August 26

Spikemuth, Galar Region

Homosexual

Ranger Captain

Elite Ranger

5'4" / 162 cm height

it gets lonely in this gangster's paradise

awards

1,207 posts

DOLLARS

part of

TAG WITH @memo

POSTED ON Aug 30, 2022 3:34:44 GMT

[attr="class","samcam"]

YOU'RE NOT ALONE

He’s still for a long time before he reaches out and takes Alex’s hand in both of his, thumbs rubbing comforting circles over his knuckles, the back of his hand; the motion soothes him, the touch grounds him. This isn’t about him, he reminds himself, this is about being there for Alex.

All your emotions back and you’re still a selfish prick.

“When you-- derailed the train,” Memo says on an exhale, voice hollow and raspy, “I think a piece of it, of--of shrapnel, dislodged and. And hit you.” He swallowed, thumbs still working, circling, pressing; he shifted so the angle wasn’t so severe on Alex’s forearm, wrist. “Because shortly after, we reset. We all went back to start and you-- you seemed fine but you… didn’t remember who you were. Who anyone was. Who I was. ”

And that had hurt. A lot. Memo had gone through the terrible whiplash of seeing Alex jump in front of a speeding fucking train, then appear totally fine, only to look at him with vacant eyes and ask him who he was. So bittersweet. It made bile rise in his throat.

“I stepped away for a second for-- for some air, because… god, it was really hard. To hear. But I found out from Captain Wledig and another lady who was with him that a lot of people had been… altered. Their memories, gone. So I sort of… calmed down, and Kaida helped, too.” A measured exhale.

“Then… then the next scan happened.”

close tab

played by

Ceej

Memo

He/him

August 26

Spikemuth, Galar Region

Homosexual

Ranger Captain

Elite Ranger

5'4" / 162 cm height

it gets lonely in this gangster's paradise

awards

1,207 posts

DOLLARS

part of

TAG WITH @memo

wicker men 2, wicker boogaloo [m, c]

POSTED ON Aug 30, 2022 3:00:04 GMT

Alexei Ivanov likes this

PRAXIDIKE ♀ PRESSURE | TOXIC, POWER GEM, AIR SLASH, AROMATHERAPY, SLASH, STRUGGLE BUG

ZUZA ♀ PASTEL VEIL | CONFUSION, HEALING WISH, PSYCHIC, FAIRY WIND, HEAL PULSE, DAZZLING GLEAM

SIBELLA ♀ INFILTRATOR | SUPER FANG, ABSORB, MOONLIGHT, AIR CUTTER, FLAMETHROWER, FOCUS BLAST

“It’s not that I don’t trust them,” Memo begins, which is exactly how every explanation of why you don’t trust someone starts, “it’s just that I-- I don’t want them to get hurt.” And he thinks, as he looks over at Praxidike, who rolls her eyes and huffs, that this is a very apt metaphor with how he feels regarding his relationship.

There’s a lesson here, and Memo isn’t going to like it.

“So we just-- we just let them run the gambit and sit back and do nothing?” Memo continues, streak of protest leeching into his voice. “Because that’s…” not how I do things dies on his throat as he looks at Alex, confused; he’s a man of action, always has been, always will be. Sitting back on his heels while his Pokemon go headfirst into danger doesn’t sit right with him. They’re partners, not tools.

Praxidike gives her comb-dress a whirl that suggests she doesn’t give a fuck what they do as long as they do something.

Alexei Ivanov
☉

close tab

played by

Ceej

Memo

He/him

August 26

Spikemuth, Galar Region

Homosexual

Ranger Captain

Elite Ranger

5'4" / 162 cm height

it gets lonely in this gangster's paradise

awards

1,207 posts

DOLLARS

part of

TAG WITH @memo

POSTED ON Aug 30, 2022 2:55:15 GMT

[attr="class","samcam"]

YOU'RE NOT ALONE

tw for emetophobia/vom mention

Guillermo listened as Alex took his own, dark trip down memory lane, recounting recall markers and preparing to fill in the bits that were missing, the obvious gaps and, of course, he would have to confess to what he’d done and said and acted-- which he remembered in exquisitely painful detail.

It was bizarre. It was like he was watching a movie wherein he was the main character but he had no control over his actions but in the same it wasn’t anything like a movie at all. He had been there, watching out his eyes, making his own decisions but--

“Zuza’s fine,” Memo said, trying to smile and utterly failing. “She’s-- she--,” he felt the pulse of Alex’s grip on his hand and do you want to know what happened when I went into the light and Memo has to stand up and-- “Sorry. I’ll be right back.”

SPOILER: Click to show

He sprints out to the nurses station, demands “Bathroom,” gets pointed in a direction. Careens down the hall, into a stall, doesn’t bother to shut the door behind him before he’s puking his guts out, wracked by chill waves of nausea and he keeps going and going, for every awful thing he said, for when he walked away, for when he watched Zuza get vaporized and his only thoughts were of himself. He went until he was spitting up neon bile and his stomach felt like it was grinding stone again.

This had been threatening to happen since they’d woken up on the beach-- since before then, even.

And he allowed himself one, pained sob, then stood up, rinsed his mouth out, splashed his face with water, and made himself be a fucking adult by walking back to Alex’s room. Along the way, he caught sight of a line of birds perched on a building nearby.

He shut the door behind him, breathing measured, trying not to freak out again. Took his seat once more.

“I am very scared,” he confesses, after a long silence where all he does is breathe, “to know what happened when you sacrificed yourself for everyone. And I am equally as scared to tell you what happened between when you jumped in front of that train and when we woke up.”

close tab

played by

Ceej

Memo

He/him

August 26

Spikemuth, Galar Region

Homosexual

Ranger Captain

Elite Ranger

5'4" / 162 cm height

it gets lonely in this gangster's paradise

awards

1,207 posts

DOLLARS

part of

TAG WITH @memo

POSTED ON Aug 30, 2022 2:39:11 GMT

Memo laughs a little bit, bringing Alex’s hand between his two own, rubbing over the back of Alex’s knuckles with his thumbs. “It’s not… a problem, per se,” he says, trying to think, to choose his words carefully, “and it’s certainly not bad.”

His gaze drifts to the two Pokemon as they interacted.

“I just think sometimes. It makes you…. Vulnerable.” He finally says, then frowns. “That’s… that’s not right. It’s hard to explain. Um. You take a lot of pressure onto yourself. You blame yourself for a lot of things that are out of your control.” His caressing grew a little bit more fevered as he struggled to find the words.

Alexei Ivanov