"thanks," she says with a curl of her lip (so terribly reminiscent of the man she left), but it makes her look down and actually realize she's still wearing the black hoodie, dried snot on the left sleeve. her jeans are okay, as jeans usually are, but her boots are muddied from mucking around the cold, wet earth by the sea. 

what happened?

she sighs. "what always happens. i pushed too far and - can i come in?"

ALEXANDER STONE

☉

she wants to pick it all up and start over again. no, that's not quite right. she wants to pick it all up and cut herself on the pieces. 

for a moment, she thinks he is going to deny her, but the thought vanishes. the breath she'd been holding comes out in a short exhale. 

these halls are not unknown to her, but the memories are hazy, dim as childhood memories now, made way for more important things like her survival in a post-apocalyptic world. it makes her sad, this realization.

she's grateful for the fire, cold as she is. something about not having an appetite makes it hard to stay warm. 

"no," she says. "yes."

she perches on the edge of the couch, as though ready to bolt at a moment's notice.

"i know this isn't fair to ask, but...am i hard to love?"

ALEXANDER STONE

☉

the back of her tongue craves the warm bite of whiskey, but she doesn't ask for any. she's never had an addictive personality. not with standard vices, at least. 

just lies and dreams. 

she blinks and offer a sad, soft smile at his laughter. 

"no more lies," she says. 

ALEXANDER STONE

☉

it's easy to know this. it's easy to be told this. plain, objective analysis. but words aren't flesh and bone; they aren't the nuances or complications of her pain. her teeth grit and she forces herself to listen, to know that he is telling the truth, because he loves her and he would not lie to her. 

she drops her face in her hands when he asks and shudders. messy starlit hair slips over her shoulders. 

"i left. we had a fight and i left and i wish i could have stayed, but i can't. couldn't. he won't have me as i am. gods, alex, i've put him through the ringer."

ALEXANDER STONE

☉

his comfort would not bring her solace, even if she thinks she wants it now, in this moment. when she is so freshly alone and her bones had ached to carry her to someone else, but she'd shouldered that too and thought no, no, i can't do that to her again. 

"nothing did. and that's the problem. i can't change." her voice is somewhat muffled now, smothered by her hands, the pads of her fingers pressing into her eyes, willing the salt to stay away. 

"because i don't know who i am - " without my ghosts.

ALEXANDER STONE

☉

can't change what happened to her. 

can't change what she did to him. 

can't change her duty. can't change her loyalty. can't change her oath. can't let herself down. can't let elisabeth get to him. can't let him fall. 

won't tell him. won't let him in. 

what if he sees her and he hates her for protecting him? what if he sees the thing he turned her into, the thing she let him turn her into, and he cannot look her in the eye? what if he sees her for the horrid thing she is?

she can't - won't - answer. 

"what do i do, alex? i feel like i've lost my home all over again."

ALEXANDER STONE

☉