"what happened is you disappeared," he says with a frown. knox had been laying here this entire time. what could have happened? he takes sam's hands and tugs on him. all the frustration, all that pent-up tension from knox has gone now. a lot of it has to do with the fact that finally, finally the pain has been covered by a blanket. 

he can think past the hurt now. he'll be sleepy, a little dreamlike in a few, but for now he's here. he's present and he's grounded and he wants sam back. his sam back.

"i was just annoyed. i didn't mean to make you shut down." and with sam's hand still in his, he puts it to his heart. it beats steadily. "thank you for helping me."

he taps the bedside. "now crawl into bed with me before i yank you on top of me and hurt myself."

samuel carter

☉

he about answers, 'i had to get your medication' but stops himself when he realizes knox isn't speaking so literally. it's a figurative disappearing.

and knox was right. he'd recoiled and his body went into flight mode. he cleaned the living space in hopes that it would relieve some stress and tension. and it did, but not the cause of his current stress or tension.

"i know, it's why i'm purposing not to ask questions like that anymore, as to not annoy you in the future."

knox says thank you, he says he's thankful, but he does not apologize. apologize for snapping, apologize for being a bit of a brat...but sam doesn't think it's right to demand that of knox when he's barely awake.

the hand on knox' heart causes sam's own pulse to try and match. he's just, his heart is moving so fast. his mind is going a thousand miles a minute.

"will you be annoyed if i get up and clean after you've fallen asleep?"

better to ask than to assume, he's learning. but asking a question is what had gotten him in his predicament to begin with???

all the signals are crossed and he's returning back to that void to sort it all out.

he takes his seat beside knox regardless, arms open to accept knox. they'll always be open, he'll always accept him. even if it hurts or drowns him in the process.

he'd rather drown than be without him... dramatic, fake, annoying. that's what his mind tells him, and he believes it, leaning back to support his weight against the headboard.

knox prescott

knox frowns. "that's...not a solution." he doesn't know what is, but making sam feel like he can't ask him questions certainly isn't it. they're going to get annoyed by each other. that's just the nature of relationships. but, of course, sam doesn't understand that. for the first time, the newness of it for sam really hits knox. 

it's going to be so much work. it's work he's not sure he's ready to do. but it's work he wants to do. he knows as much, when his brain is telling him to pull sam closer and stop him from drifting away again. 

he places a hand to sam's chest and holy shit his heart's beating like a bunnelby's. he leans back against the headboard and nestles into that robot-like posture again. knox sits up with a grunt instead of crawling against him. 

he leans forward, core tensing (thank fuck for the painkillers) and holds sam's face firmly in his hands. "sam. i'm in your house. do what you need to. and more importantly if it annoys me, we talk." 

he furrows his brows. "we're only human, sam. i'm dealing with a lot, more than this," he says, pointing to his face, "and i took it out on you. please, tell me what you're thinking." 

samuel carter

☉

"last time i spoke my mind to you, you walked out."

sam's emotions showed then, eyes softening, body relaxing. they hit him in waves, goosebumps moving along his body as he realizes knox is moving way too much, way, way, too much.

his mother hen tendencies arise and he frowns, looking over knox.

"and it's hardly fair for you to ask for my thoughts when you never share your own. i'm not blind, knox, i know you're dealing with your own problems, but you don't tell them to me. i have to make assumptions. not that i want to, but it's the way, it's the way my brain works. it takes calculations and comes up with solutions and statistics-- i just--"

he smiled weakly, looking between knox' eyes. he asked him to speak his mind, so...

"i am so terrified you'll leave me."

knox prescott

he got what he asked for. and ouch. he does flinch a little bit when sam says that; some of the air leaves his body and he curls his fingers. he doesn't know how to explain to sam that he didn't want to leave. that he never wants to leave. but sometimes his brain takes over and it carries him away and he can't help but put distance between himself and whoever's in the splash zone. 

because he's seen what he can do to people, and it's awful. 

"oh." he drops his hands. he leans away. 

no one's around him long enough to look past that brilliant smile, the buoyant charm. be larger than life and no one will ask you about the skeletons in your closet; that's what he's learned. he looks down at his hands and thinks maybe he has some twisted midas' touch.

look at what you've done. 

"i'll always come back," he murmurs. because you always come crawling back. he closes his eyes, thinks the future that rests at the tip of his tongue would probably be the selfless thing to do. to smile and tell sam he'd probably been a lot better off before meeting him, and he'll leave him now, save him the pain of leaving him later. 

but he's selfish. oh, so selfish. so he clambers on sam, straddles his waist; the twinges are easy to ignore now. there is a storm behind his eyes, an unfathomable maelstrom that will leave sam as broken as knox is, but knox wants him more than he wants to save him. 

he wants more of those butterflies and those goosebumps and that laughter and that security, and he will have it, and he will give everything he can to sam in return.

"i care for you, and i want you to care for me. i meant what i said last night. so trust me when i say i won't leave you and that i'm yours."

samuel carter

☉

they're words sam wants to hear, and for that reason he's skeptical. he's paranoid and his brain his working through the several different reasons knox is likely lying. to get what he wants from sam. to have sam stay beside him. to suck him dry. leave him hollow.

sam's features had turned to a frown when knox moved his body in ways he wasn't supposed to be moving it. this was likely why eden hadn't left anything. because when the pain is numbed, people push boundaries like they're not supposed to.

so sam raises his hands to steady knox, on portions of knox' body that he knows won't hurt him. it's a light touch, gentle, but enough to feel.

but it is because of the clarity and honesty sam wills to see in knox' eyes that he chooses to believe knox. but it's a dangerous move, and he wants knox aware as to why.

"i... i do care for you."

his tone shows just how hurt he is that knox didn't know, or didn't realize it. hasn't he shown that he cares for knox? or is that where he's lacking? he's not very good at showing how he feels, communicating his emotions. but he's also not good at feeling his emotions either.

"i'm sorry if... if i haven't, i haven't proven or shown that. but you're right, it's not fair of me to hold you to a mistake made previous to this moment."

living in the 'now' and not in the 'before' and 'after' was a struggle for sam, a hard struggle.

"i'll try and be more present, and ... i'll trust you with myself. i'll try and express my emotions, rather than just my thoughts."

because as blunt as sam could be at times, perhaps his emotions weren't coming out with his words. but he's smiling then, thoughts of what knox said sending his skin into a fresh wave of goosebumps.

"you are mine, knox... but in return, i am also yours. and i am choosing in this moment to forever trust you, that you will not leave. and i will hold you to that, no matter what you do."

knox prescott

it's want in the common sense, want in the way that sam has already shown and said he wants him. so it makes his heart hurt that sam thinks he has to say all this, that he thinks he hasn't already given knox enough. but he lets him talk instead of cutting him off, as badly as he wants to just kiss him and show him his feelings in the best way he knows how. 

sam's hands steady his hips and he folds a little,  his weight on sam's stomach instead of on his knees. his hands fall to sam's chest, knuckles against skin, and he listens with palms up, gaze steady. 

to forever trust you, that you will not leave. fear flickers in his eyes. he swallows. fingers curl and uncurl. he nods because he accepts these terms - they're necessary, if they really want happiness. that's what relationships are. compromise. 

he opens his mouth. you deserve better than me. take it all back. send me down the mountain. hate me. love me. please don't let me go. 

"my sam," he whispers. 

samuel carter

☉

the please in his eyes are silent, but sam feels them. the fear is evident in the way he was hesitating. but sam realizes it's not a fear of sam's doing. it's knox' life that causes those fear. knox' past choices... but they were choosing to move forward; together.

"my knox."

it's a definite, a finality. it is solid, set in stone. a foundation from which they can build. the touches mixed with the weight of knox on him has sam smiling gently.

a true, genuine smile. it's back, in full force. he takes the towel off of his shoulder and sets it aside. the cheek that is not bruised is brushed lightly by the fingertips of sam's hand, the other remains on knox' hip steadily.

soft and gentle touches. not because knox with break, but because he is precious to sam. so very precious. and sam is willing himself to show it more physically because that is how knox understands affection, so sam has learned.

"if i want something, i will ask, and we will talk. if you want something, you will ask, and we will talk."

he's more reminding himself, and he licks his lips before moving forward to give knox a gentle kiss. to seal the deal, to show he's serious.

knox prescott

"sounds hot," knox says because it decidedly does not, but relief sweeps through him. because for a few scant seconds he thought he'd already lost sam. lost him to the hurt he's caused and maybe the hurt he hasn't caused yet, because sam is a lot better at noticing things than knox gives him credit for. 

the flat line of his mouth finally tugs back up at sam's touches. it's a slow shift, but it's there, as knox drifts away from his body a bit - away from the hurt, but not away from the fingerprint heat that dapples his skin. 

he sighs into sam's lips. he's too tired to do anything else. probably not gently enough, he shifts back off of him and cuddles against sam's side. head on his shoulder, ankles hitched, arm draped over his chest. 

"i'm sorry i was a bitch about the meds. it just hurt. i hope moro didn't give you any trouble." he yawns. "i'm sleepy. you can clean if you want." his rambling stops as he finally nods off. 

samuel carter

☉

"it wasn't... trouble." he can already feel knox slipping away, and he smiles, caressing his back and spine with his fingertips and allowing the feeling of knox lulling off to sink into every fiber of his being.

sam knows it takes a lot to trust a person enough to fall asleep next to them. in kanto he had countless sleepless nights because he didn't trust people enough to fall asleep beside them... but with knox, it's different. and it is not just because he's no longer in the midst of war, it's more than that.

and sam dares not say what he feels it may be, in fear of cliche, or perhaps of jinxing himself.

so instead he just remains until he feels knox is fully asleep, dead weight. then he picks up knox' hand and lets it fall. the test complete, he shifts out from beneath him and does begin to clean again. it needed done, and he's of the opinion if he doesn't do something it doesn't get done.

not healthy, he'll learn eventually.

but unlike before, this time as he cleans, it's with a small smile on his face. contentment in his eyes. he's not distant from the moment, he's present. he's there, living, breathing each moment.

what a rollercoaster...he was tired all over again, but work needed done, so he remained vigilant.

knox prescott