all at once he relaxes. the waves are music to his ears. and he thinks i'm home and the thought terrifies him. using knox would have looked at all the pretty parts of it, would have shoved the misgivings away in a box for later, for the sober knox that would never quite come along. but now, with arms free of bruises, and a nose that hasn't bled in weeks now, he's free to fantasize about all the ways this can go wrong. 

joy. 

"yeah," he says. he droops over sam's shoulders and kisses his cheek, still making no move to get down. 

"y'know, sometimes i forget how strong you are and then you carry me like i'm nothing and it hits me how godsdamn sexy you are all over again."

samuel carter

☉

he snorts. "if i catch you giving other guys piggyback rides at any of my parties, i'm not gonna be happy." jealousy isn't a pretty color on knox. he's never really dealt with it much. whenever ollie cheated on him, he hadn't felt jealous. he'd felt vengeful. ah, young love.

sometimes he thinks he should tell sam about ollie. he has, in a way. 'that in about seven years, you're almost an entirely new person? i was in a hospital bed when someone told me that. that people can change.' but that night feels so long ago and the memories are a little bit blurry, a little hazy around the edges. drugs'll do that to you, but even knox will admit to a little bit of repression. 

he doesn't know why he's thinking about this now or why he's thinking about ollie or what he said. but he does know. he knows it's because of the texts and all the things knox has been keeping from sam.

"i love you," he says suddenly, as though that will make up for it.

samuel carter

☉

he listens quietly because that's all he can do. blue eyes shift from the boy underneath him and out to the water, where he can watch the waves crash against the shore and think about all the reasons he's here - because he loves sam. truly, undoubtedly, and irrevocably. but also because he's scared. 

here's where they could build their house. here's where they could build something together. but eventually his father will find him. and he'll take everything good in his life before the end. 

in sam's words lay truths he knows all too well. and he wants to get excited about things. he wants to dote on sam - take him out to eat, travel, go to extravagant places. he wants to gobble up the world with the boy beneath him but he's trapped in a cage of his own making. traveling means exposure. exposure means being found. and found means dying. 

hundreds of texts now. of phone calls. of voicemails. drunken promises of manslaughter. 

"i'm lucky," he says softly, afraid if he says much more he'll crack. how can sam not feel all this weight on top of him? his own shoulders are threatening to give way. 

"have you spoken to summer lately?" he asks.

samuel carter

☉

knox frowns at the vagueness of it, but he doesn't say more. he doesn't want to. he's done a damn good job of ignoring all of this by shutting himself away on mt. pyre, pretending it's a vacation with his boyfriend. but they both know it's a lie and the seashore curls with the ever-present mist of the mountain, phantasmal and eerie. 

do you want to talk about it? there he goes then, making this all about himself. and on sam's birthday no less. a very important day in which they should be celebrating love and joy and all the other good things he hasn't felt since he stopped using. 

that's the real problem, isn't it? you don't give a flying fuck that ol daddy-o wants to kill you. because living doesn't fucking matter if you're not high. 

he shifts, suddenly a little uncomfortable up on sam's back. touching him this much. being this close. even if the alternative is sam seeing every godsdamn emotion he can't hide on his face. 

"no," he says stubbornly. "i want to spend your birthday doing fun things and not ruining it with my dramatic ass self."

samuel carter

☉

something they both enjoy. even the notion is enough to scatter knox's misgivings. at least that something has been able to keep him occupied these past few weeks of basically being in fucking witness protection. in sam's bed, shut away from the world, one might think he's stuck on ogygia, with only the whim of the gods capable of releasing him. 

'cept he's no odysseus; no home to go to and no family waiting with open arms. only a pit of snakes and scorn. 

sam starts heading up the mountain and knox is still just along for the ride. he hunkers closer to him, once again astounded and turned on by how damn fit his boyfriend is. 

"are your arms or legs even a little sore from carrying me?" he asks, mood lightened (a constant up and down, high and low, this way that way, with him now). 

samuel carter

☉

knox, meanwhile, enjoys sticking his feet in the pond sam dug for him. or trailing an arm through the water and staring up at the sky while he waited for sam to come home. granted, the clouds aren't as fun to look at now that there's no way they'll come to life for him. 

"of course you don't mind," he says with a snort. he shifts a little bit, fingers curling at the nape of sam's neck. he's not stupid. he knows where sam's taking him. seems like this is the only damn place he can come alive anymore. and it's awful, but at least it's something. 

when they reach the spot, knox slips down sam's back. he doesn't let him turn, though, just encircles his arms around him and draws him close, tucks his head into the crook of sam's neck. breathes in and out in a low sigh. 

"it's...been long enough, i think. i mean, for all of this to blow over."

samuel carter

☉

with sam's back to him, it's easy to lie. he gets that from summer. or maybe just his father. a likeness he doesn't want painted to him, but is there nonetheless. but still, he expects sam to put up a little more of a fight. his heart flutters and then anxiety curls in the pit of his stomach. 

leave? now? with summer under the watchful nose of their father? what happens if knox isn't there to take his attention? when he can't blame the state of his business on his fuck-up son? but instead his too-pretty daughter, a snake of his own making. 

"i...i mean, you know i want to meet your mom and all, but i still have things to take care of here. i can't leave. not until i fix all this."

samuel carter

☉