knox has never been a heavy sleeper, but like all the other things sam has changed, this is one of them. that and he's been back on his bullshit since taking up some of the cleanup for the fallout with merrick. samuel carter and Summer Atreides had been killing themselves over it and he couldn't live with himself if he let them go through it alone.

so xanax helps him sleep. ambien when it gets really bad, though only if sam's going to be out on a job overnight too. he gets weird on ambies. 

he's practically dead to the world when sam comes back into the room. his body does reflexively turn towards him, nosing for that source of heat. one arm finds its way over what ought to have been sam's chest, but instead drapes over the top of his shoulders and his neck. 

feeling something off is what rouses him. his sleepy blue eyes droop open, confused noise humming from his throat. he flexes, feels sam, and then ducks under the covers as well.

whatever sam is doing, it's not as important as the flush of warmth and contentment that lines his body. still only half-awake, he places sloppy kisses along sam's jawline; one leg folds over him needily. 

samuel carter

☉

those kisses shouldn't be as welcome as he wants them to be. that guilt inside him bubbles like the fires of mt. chimney.

"i'm sor--" he chokes, clearing his throat from the watery tone, or hopes to. "sorry. i didn't mean to wake you."

he can't get his voice above a whisper. he doesn't look away from the phone, and he doesn't mean it disrespectfully. he's putting in the cvv from his card by memory so that he can get the tickets finalized and have one less thing to worry about.

so he can beg knox not to leave him alone. just the thought makes him swallow so hard his adam's apple bobs almost violently. feels like a politoad's stuck in his throat.

[attr="class","sambr"] knox prescott

alarm bells start ringing in his head when sam doesn't put the phone down and immediately start paying attention to him. his response, though, is still first and foremost driven by his morning wood. so he squeezes closer, teeth grazing sam's shoulder because he knows what that does to him, but his voice finally breaks the spell.

his brows furrow slowly, still sleepily, and he draws back. confused, he looks from sam's face to the phone and only gets more confused.

"are we going somewhere? what's wrong?"

samuel carter

☉

the bite to his neck usually does do something to him. a sort of something that makes him just as eager as he usually would be when knox and the morning are involved. most of their fun is had in the morning. sam never minds.

except for today. today he's just not feeling it. he feels guilty and his frown reflects it, but his sorrow for the way his mother sounded over the phone overpowers his guilt. worry and sorrow. because he can feel it, he's always been able to tell.

he can hear when somebody's at peace. not long after, there's a funeral that follows the tone of peace.

"nothing to do with work," the first thing he wants to do is put knox' mind to ease. "it's... mom."

[attr="class","sambr"] knox prescott

regrettably, the last of those hazy minutes drift away. he's alert, especially now that he definitely knows something is wrong. sam's face is pinching in the way it does when he's trying not to look the way he's feeling, or he's struggling to convey what he's feeling, or just, like, it's bad. 

and then oh shit. 

knox's stomach drops. when they'd talked about his mom last, the bubble had been up. they talked about it curled around each other, waiting for the world to end so they could die tangled up like dumb romantics, and waiting for the after.

then the after came and went and knox should have said something. he should have pushed for them to have their silly little vacation. 

but maybe he's just overreacting. (but he knows he's not. sam doesn't get shaken. sam doesn't look like this.)

"when do we leave?" he says, relaxing his sultry hold to something more comforting. 

samuel carter

☉

[attr="class","samknox2"]

[attr="class","samknoxw"]when he feels knox relax his hold he feels relieved. relieved and guilty. he knows he shouldn't feel guilty. knox tells him all the time not to feel guilty, but he does. because he's an idiot, because he's broken; a fractured ghost, it feels like most of the time.

"tonight, if that's okay." he will never order knox around, but he wants to leave as soon as possible. "i wanted to give us time to pack and tell Summer Atreides, settle what we need to before heading over."

such as jobs, or anything of the sort. his mind is swimming with 'what ifs' and the worry that she'll pass without him having seen her. sure, she speaks to him on the phone and sure, she doesn't mind the distance and is happy that he's happy...

"i'm afraid if we procrastinate any longer, we won't make it in time... to..." his voice cracks and his face slips, water falls from his eyes as the politoad in his throat loses and his emotions are flooding him completely.

"to say goodbye."

[attr="class","samknoxt"]knox prescott

he peppers kisses on his shoulder. soft and slow. not enough to distract him, or to overwhelm him, but it's really the only way knox knows how to tell him he's there. words are still hard sometimes and he doesn't trust himself right now to say the right thing. 

"of course. whatever you need." summer will be fine. they've wrapped up their fucking murder spree anyway. the company's taken more than enough of their time; she can grant them this. 

honestly, she'd probably throw a bitch fit if knox didn't drag him away sooner. 

"but there's nothing to settle. i'll text her. we go as soon as you're ready. here, let me start packing." he's saying a lot of things because they're what he should be saying, but he's a little panicky because sam is choking up and he's still not used to all those emotions flooding out of him like this. 

and after this? 

don't worry about that now. he rolls up and immediately goes to their dresser to grab some outfits.

"um, how much do you want me to pack?" how long are we staying?

samuel carter

☉

[attr="class","samknox2"]

[attr="class","samknoxw"]he wants to grab knox and keep him in the bed, but knox has a point. they need to pack and they need to move. they need to get going, get things organized so they can leave.

but his body feels heavy. like it did all those years ago the first time she got sick. like it did when he thought she was going to end up reaching her grave before he did.

finally he feels something. he feels wetness on his pillow and it causes him to sit up and wipe at his face. he pulls his fingers over the wet spot of the pillow and then considers for a moment,

i guess i am human after all. robots don't cry.

a sniff later and he's standing up, brows furrowed.

"i'm not entirely sure. she could pass before we get there, she could take weeks to pass. illness like hers is unpredictable, namely in this stage."

[attr="class","samknoxt"]knox prescott

he wants to grab sam and keep him in bed, to cuddle him close and make all of this go away. it feels like they just got their lives back. it feels like they have a life together, unburdened, for the first time ever. so, selfishly, he thinks he wishes this weren't happening. he wishes they could have stretched their little pocket of paradise a little bit longer. 

but life has a funny way of dumping knox prescott in shit. 

"okay," he says quickly and decides not to ask anymore questions. he'll handle this. he has to handle this. so he moves around and does things the way he imagines sam would: pick clothes out by outfit to make sure they have enough. bath products and toiletries go in their own bag and gently get lain on top of the bed. 

he takes his time, in between his whirlwind sprint to get them packed, to kiss away sam's tears. captain, hearing their ruckus from wherever she was, noses her way into the bedroom and leaps onto the bed. her nose twitches, smelling the salt, sensing sam's distress, and goes to leap on his shoulder and give him a nuzzle.

"she'll be there," knox says lowly as he folds sam in a hug. 

samuel carter

☉

[attr="class","samknoxx2"]

[attr="class","samknoxxw"]at first, guilt tugs at his heart. he wants to be more productive and he wants to help knox but his body is paralyzed and he can’t move. he doesn’t even know why. even as captain curls into his nap for nuzzles, sam doesn’t move.

it is only as knox wraps his hands around sam and gives him comfort and tells him she’ll be there that sam realizes it is fear that holds him still. it is the terror and horror of realizing she will, in fact, be gone from his life soon.

sam wills himself to believe knox. that she will be there. but his realism wins and he nods into knox’ embrace.

”i hope you’re right.” he breathes in knox’ scent and smiles, brows furrowed, before he wraps both arms around knox and wiggles his knees as a warning for captain.

pulling knox onto him on the bed, he twists to hold knox into his arms and curls into him.

”thank you for reminding me that even if she does pass, you’ll be here. that my world isn't ending, only changing.”

[attr="class","samknoxxt"]knox prescott

there's little he can do to belay the fears of a man who's lived so close to the dead and the dying. this day shouldn't have come. not like this. over sam's shoulder, he stares forlornly at the forgotten bed, wishing they could both go back to last night.

but his life is a series of shitstorms with casual blips of light in between. he should have known not to get too comfortable. 

"not ending, just changing," he repeats and gives him one last squeeze before letting him go. captain has transferred shoulders now, realizing sam is not going to give her the attention she wants. so knox raises a hand and scratches under her chin while he surveys his rather impressive packing job. 

"anything else? i can call red for you too."

samuel carter

☉

[attr="class","samknox2"]

[attr="class","samknoxw"]the words repeat through knox' lips and sam feels a little more at ease. even if she does pass before he sees her, they have plenty of memories together that he can pull from. better yet, he has knox to make new memories with.

he feels more hopeful, now, and he looks to the packing job with brows raised. one can tell just by looking at him that he's impressed.

"from what i can tell, you got everything."

not to mention sam had things at his mother's house he would have to clean out and take care of and ... inevitably get rid of or bring to hoenn.

"there is one thing," he says, tone more playful as he moves to take knox' chin in his hand and give him a kiss. "thank you. i'd be a mess right now without you."

[attr="class","samknoxt"]knox prescott

it doesn't seem like the time for casual romance, but he's a sucker and if this is what sam needs, it's what he needs. he's not going to argue over it. it's playful, the way he holds his head in his hands, but his words leave knox feeling anxious.

the last thing he's ever been for someone is a backbone. is someone to lean on. and the weight of that responsibility is probably the most terrifying thing in the world. 

he'll manage it for sam. he has to. 

so he kisses him back, lightly, and then kisses his cheeks for good measure. and then he untangles so he can call Summer Atreides to tell her they'll be indisposed for...a bit.

samuel carter

☉