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he thinks ordering destruction is a little too... simple. the zebstrika buzzing in his ball is hungry for action; it craves the very thing the king wanted. had it been anywhere else, shigure would let it roam free, maybe even tire itself out. but how could he? how could he even begin to let it go wild when the very place they're meant to destroy is... his home? [break][break]

marisol's roses sway pristine in the gentle breeze.[break][break]

shigure's heart thumps in his ears.[break][break]

zebstrika erupts from his pokeball without a single call.[break][break]

"w-wait..." he calls weakly, hand raising. but it's no use. he knows. it's inevitable. not when this place was made to be destroyed. but the problem is... can he stomach watching it all collapse again? the zebstrika has no regard for his emotions at all. it roars and bashes into the building, burning the landscape his mother so carefully nurtured. [break][break]

"stop..." [break][break]

CRASH.[break][break]

"i..."[break][break]

BOOM![break][break]

unconsciously, he throws his remaining shoe at the pokemon, and perhaps it was the enhance to their ability that the scion of destruction actually... stops. it pauses in its assault to his childhood home and stares, as if asking what are you going to do about it?[break][break]

well. nothing, he wants to retort, but the words die in his throat. his gaze wanders over the rubble, the smoke of electricity against burnt greenery and remains silent. the zebstrika huffs and continues on. i thought so, it seems to say as it races through, glass shattering in its assault.[break][break]

this is just like before. where all he could do was watch and wait, complacent in the destruction of it all. but he was young and naive then. what was he to do? [break][break]

oh, he realizes. maybe that's what this is. again.[break][break]

was this to force him to accept his helplessness? to come to terms with the lack of responsibility? that it was mere circumstance? the zebstrika rages on. team rocket's attack had too. [break][break]

when all is said and done, and only rubble remains, shigure stands at the center of it all.[break][break]

it hadn't been his fault.[break][break]

with tragedy comes acknowledgement. [break][break]

he was as much of a victim as anyone else.[break][break]

i'm starting to see it.

[break][break]

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shigure stares at his inventory with pursed lips and a confused brow furrow. [break][break]


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now this was truly the embodiment of okay, good luck buddy and he isn’t entirely sure how to feel about it. the Momo Sakai at his side, with her cute pink ears and little wings hops up and down excitedly, admiring the white streaks to his skin and little tail while he’s standing at a loss of what to do. she gestures to them wildly, waving over julie(?) and her girlfriend(?) Mika Nakayama as if to say look at him! the weird little shadow aura makes it cool too! [break][break]

(at least, shigure thinks they’re girlfriends. do friends just let someone cling to another as closely as julie is to mika? if that was the case, maybe he was behind on the times).[break][break]

anyway, questioning the state of their relationship aside, shigure was keenly aware the people surrounding him were not the actual people in his life. and by people, he really meant momo, because he had no idea who the other two were (“momo” seemed to, and by proxy that means they always know the people momo meets). [break][break]

momo didn’t ask him if he was doing okay, and she hadn’t responded when they asked about the state of her well-being. [break][break]

when they’re apart for a long time, it’s one of the first things they tend to ask each other, especially after coming to hoenn. one could never know the dangers, and considering the strangeness to their dreams, asking questions felt like the most important thing to do. [break][break]

when he looks at the momo before him, he wonders if she’s actually somewhere in this dreamspace, and they find themselves frowning.[break][break]

i’m sure she’s okay though. not like things can hurt her here.[break][break]

a pause in their thoughts.[break][break]

hopefully. [break][break]

they had been wandering aimlessly together, the trio chatting among themselves while shigure occasionally piped in to be polite (which was weird, they noted, because did they really have to be nice to… npcs? is that what they were?). eventually, they come to a church, momo pointing at it with sparkles in her eyes. the glass windows had an impressive design, “julie” notes in appreciation, though when he blinks at them, a shiver runs down his spine.[break][break]

regrets weren’t easy to let go of.[break][break]

sorrow seeps into bones and never truly fades away.[break][break]

the cathedral that stands before them is where he had buried marisol in his dreams.[break][break]

maybe it was his own emotional turmoil that makes it harder to navigate than it should be. it was a holy place, for arceus’ sake. so why was it full of pokemon that tried to stop them from reaching the top? his zebstrika made easy work of things, even if difficult to control, and the “mika” in his party had an equally devastating annhilape. they continued their ascendance, climbing stairs after stairs, pushing past adversity and what awaits them is…[break][break]

a honchkrow.[break][break]

foreboding in his size, terrifying in its stare.[break][break]

it leers down at shigure, and with a caw, flaps its massive wings to push them off the roof of the building. instinctively, he pushes momo down to the floor, mika immediately following suit with julie, but the honchkrow flaps harder and harder and shigure finds it difficult to hang on.[break][break]

his body raises off the ground and with a grunt, a shroc is tossed at the honchkrow in hopes the little thunk would annoy it enough to cease its flapping, but it only urges it on and shigure finds himself flying off the building. [break][break]

what the hell.[break][break]

the sky above grows farther away and he forces himself awake before he even hits the ground.[break][break]

“oh. i have to find that shoe later…” comes the mumble, and they continue on with their day with bags deeper under their eyes than ever.[break][break]

the next night, momo waves at him, julie smiles and mika nods in greeting. nothing of the night before seems reflective in their gazes, the only thing to even prove it occurred was the fact shigure was walking with one shoe and one sock. with a sigh, shigure gestures for them to push through the doors once more, and up they climb, higher and higher towards the heavens.[break][break]

honchkrow awaits them yet again, and this time shigure has zebstrika at the ready.[break][break]

“... gotta do what we gotta do then.”[break][break]

zebstrika roars, eager to satiate its lust for battle, and shigure finds they don’t need to command him at all. mika’s annhilape joins the fray, fists flying and electricity crackling in the air. momo tries to help with her clefable as much as she can, though julie notably stands to the side, sableye at the ready. she doesn't even attempt to battle, though with how eager the two shadowed pokemon go at it, he doesn't necessarily blame her either. [break][break]

after explosions of attack upon attack, honchkrow caws and expands its wings once again. it's ready to send them flying once more, but zebstrika crackles and dives at it with its pursuit, powered by shigure's dark gem. finally, it falters, shrinking down to its regular size with a huff. panting with exertion from having to dodge everything and not get caught in the crossfire, shigure rushes to return his zebstrika to its pokeball before it lands the finishing blow. [break][break]

when they approach, honchkrow weakly looks up at them, eye half open in defiance. [break][break]

"... i know what you're trying to tell me. it's just easier said than done."[break][break]

the honchkrow rolls its eyes and gestures its beak to the sky. [break][break]

shigure's gaze follows. [break][break]

"... yeah. hari's watching me for her." it huffs again and settles down to rest. [break][break]

the sound of momo cheering is muffled as he becomes lost in his thoughts. [break][break]

eyes were on him. caring ones. watchful ones.[break][break]


they breathe out a sigh. [break][break]

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they wear a look of puzzlement at the king’s words, certainly not impressed at the slightest. they’ve stepped out of the darkness of their dream and somehow ended up in… an rpg? and it’s an mmo? confusion is evident, but they’re never one to ask too many questions and instead, simply follow along. [break][break]

the timer begins.[break][break]


well, don’t need to tell them twice.[break][break]


first thing on his agenda was this: find zebstrika.[break][break]


the two were not close per se, and in fact, had only recently become acquainted. however, shigure had been entrusted with the electric type, and he had willingly taken him under his wing. it was only right they attempt to find him, even if he had dashed away without so little as a second glance.[break][break]

if shigure thought about it, wandering outside the castle after such a booming cry didn’t seem like too much of a wise decision. he should have stuck with a group as lost as he was, but amongst the chaos of shadow pokemon spawning, it seemed absolutely impossible. shadow pokemon were to be feared, but in a dream, anything could happen. maybe that’s why some even charged in with excitement?[break][break]

and the abilities granted to them… shigure brings up his ability screen and their shoulders slump. [break][break]


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what was he even supposed to do with—[break][break]

a cry interrupts his train of thought, head whipping in its direction. it crackled with the effects of thunder, and only dread seemed to manifest itself in shigure’s stomach.[break][break]

of course, it was a dream. [break][break]

and in truth, shigure doesn’t fear much (at least, not anymore. when was the last time he felt true, genuine fear?).[break][break]

but if it were his zebstrika, it wouldn’t sit right with him that he allowed it to—[break][break]

BOOM![break][break]

the discharge only narrowly misses him, shigure quick on his feet as he dives to the side. growing up in the ruined kanto had him possessing some physical capabilities, and shigure easily recovers from the roll, raising their head only to witness the now darkened zebstrika reveal himself.[break][break]

he stomps his hooves, nostrils flaring with angered huffs. red eyes scan its surroundings, landing on shigure and it charges with reckless abandon. “shit—” escapes the kantonian as he rolls out of the way, eyes wide as the tree cracks and splinters, threatening to fall. “shit, shit…” [break][break]

what could he even do against a freakin’ shadow pokemon? [break][break]

what could his stupid slippers even do?[break][break]

probably annoy it, their brain uselessly supplies. but that’d only make it madder.[break][break]

zebstrika looms over him, the electricity crackling. he rises on his hind legs, and shigure thinks his life flashes before his eyes.[break][break]

back against the wall, what was shigure supposed to…[break][break]

his mind trails to the dream ball. [break][break]

there’s no way it’ll work, right? everyone knows how catching pokemon works. weaken it a little… give it a status effect… even a ten year old knew how it worked. still… desperate times call for stupid solutions.[break][break]

“well, at least i can’t die in real life if this doesn’t work…”[break][break]

in a panic, shigure throws the pokeball, watching zebstrika roar with defiance. even sucked into the ball, it wiggles violently, threatening to be break free. he notably backs away as a fail safe, breath still in his lungs. [break][break]

and when the pokeball stops its insistent wiggling, the world comes to a standstill. [break][break]


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“...”[break][break]

his hand hesitates over the purify. it’s the right thing to do. no one deserved to suffer in eternal torment like that. he didn’t want it for himself (on most days, they liked to pretend they were normal), and yet he’d force it on his pokemon? but… to lose the ability to protect the ones he cares for… the dread that formed never went away and only sits as a rock in his system.[break][break]

he closes his eyes.[break][break]


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he doesn’t feel good about it, but there were already a lot of things he didn’t. shigure deludes himself into thinking he can take one more, and as the pokeball sits in his hand, he clutches it tight with pursed lips.[break][break]

“i’m sorry…” he says quietly, swallowing thickly. [break][break]

this nightmare will follow him out of his dreams.[break][break]

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“are you scared, shigure?” [break][break]

her voice is gentle as she asks. even when he wanted her to admonish him, the marisol he conjured up ever remains as loving and caring as she was in his memories. he blows his fringe out of his face.[break][break]

as expected.[break][break]

“i wouldn’t say that.”[break][break]

his gaze never leaves the ceiling, but they know she rolls her eyes.[break][break]

“if you weren’t, you’d have said a lot of things much sooner.”[break][break]

he parts his lips to argue, only for them to promptly close. [break][break]

they sigh.[break][break]

“how could i… say all that?”[break][break]

that every waking moment weighs him down like lead.[break][break]

that when he thinks of the people he’s harmed, feelings he’s hurt, families he’s ripped apart, it chips parts away from him.[break][break]

that if he abandons all he’s come to know and be horrifically molded by, who knows what awaits him? [break][break]

he closes his eyes.[break][break]

i wish it was easier. [break][break]

“well… no one starts with the hard things. even just saying ‘i’m tired’ is good.” [break][break]

he isn’t sure when she entered his space, or when the walls around them disappeared. [break][break]

the touch on shigure’s shoulder is like a feather. [break][break]

the creeping darkness staining their home is washed away with ephemeral light. when he finally looks at the ghost of his mom, a casket lies behind her.[break][break]

his eyes sting, and he isn’t sure if it’s the light that blurs her image.[break][break]

oh. this is how, isn’t it? how i can let you go.[break][break]

i just need to…[break][break]

a bell tolls.[break][break]

“you’ll be okay, shigure.”[break][break]

a hand gestures to him, and they look down at themselves. pink and reds and purples and yellows shine on him. he looks up and what meets him are all the fragmented pieces of himself formed together in a glass mosaic. [break][break]

the shigure framed within stares straight ahead.[break][break]

no looking down.[break][break]

only forward.[break][break]

“... i’m not sure i can.”[break][break]

“and that’s okay. doubt’s normal. you never needed me to hold your hand. you’re doing just fine without me.”[break][break]

but i’m not, they want to say. look at all i’ve done. the messes i’ve made. how is that 'doing fine?'[break][break]

“you’re living,” she supplies. “even if it’s hard, you’re living. and it’s scary, and it will always be scary, but…” their brows furrow as they look at her, worry finally staining the stoicism he wears as protection.[break][break]

“life is both long and incredibly short, shigure. everyone can make mistakes, but it’s up to them to fix it.”[break][break]

something tugs him back. [break][break]

they reach out to her.[break][break]

the bell tolls again.[break][break]

“it all starts with you, kiddo.”[break][break]

his body is pulled away from her, out of the light and tossed mercilessly into the lull of the dark sea. he struggles to swim up. he can’t see anything.[break][break]

they choke on the water.[break][break]

a gentle light shines down on him and they open their eyes.[break][break]

it all starts with you.[break][break]

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he doesn’t have a chance to backpedal, to go back to domesticity and the warm ‘what ifs,’ where his mom still lives and breathes, where his childhood friends followed their dreams with no interruption. [break][break]

when he’s thrust back into dreamland after exhaustion catches up to him, he’s still standing in her bedroom doorway, the darkness of the rest of the home brushing his heels. marisol stares at him with wide, fearful eyes and it takes everything in him to not look away out of shame.[break][break]

well. you started it. might as well finish it. [break][break]

their lips purse, and they glance over their shoulder into the shadows. in the years of her absence, he had grown accustomed to being blanketed in it. they find no comfort by no means, but it’s become familiar. so much so that even glancing at those basked in light felt like a singe. [break][break]

“it must have been hard for you.”[break][break]

her response catches him off guard.[break][break]

“what?”[break][break]

“i know how you are. i’m sure it was the last thing you wanted to do. you probably joined because someone you knew did, right?”[break][break]

his mind trails to @idris and he swallows thickly.[break][break]

“it… wasn’t just for him.”[break][break]

that’s right. it was for survival. so nothing marisol had given was in vain.[break][break]

“sure, but you didn’t want him to be in there alone.”[break][break]

he thinks of how idris had already gone through far too much, all without his knowledge. they were friends. family. shigure didn’t like the distance.[break][break]

“does momo know?”[break][break]

they shake their head. [break][break]

how could they possibly let Momo Sakai know? that the very causes of her nightmares could count him amongst their ranks? it’d break her heart. he didn’t want to do that to her.[break][break]

if there was one person he didn’t want sullied by his dirtied hands, it was her.[break][break]

he could fall easily into the depths of hell with idris, if he asked him to.[break][break]

but shigure could never drag momo down with him.[break][break]

“because you love her and don’t want to disappoint her, right?”[break][break]

his breath hitches.[break][break]

love.[break][break]

it always comes back to love.[break][break]

shigure doesn’t speak of it. it’s hard, to vocalize everything on their mind; the deepest parts of his emotions; the heaviest ones and lay them bare. once they were spoken, it would be hard to take it back.[break][break]

but shigure is also a person of incredible amounts of compassion.[break][break]

abandonment scarred his very being, but it was love that mended him back together.[break][break]

gold irises fall upon marisol, and she smiles in understanding.[break][break]

it was hard to say it, but it was easy to show it.[break][break]

shigure loved those they brought into their family, whether they were aware or not.[break][break]

care and protection.[break][break]

lies and deceit.[break][break]

it was out of love.[break][break]

the distance he put between them and himself.[break][break]

that too, was out of love.[break][break]

“but you have to love yourself too, shigure.”[break][break]

he lets out a wry laugh.[break][break]

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even with the knowledge it was a dream, it hadn’t sat right with him. lying to marisol, the woman that mended and shaped him into who he was today felt criminal (even if he were already everything that would label him as such). [break][break]

when he enters the home, the wind howls behind him. whirlwinds of leaves threaten to follow behind, to dirty the indoor welcome mat with flecks of oranges and reds, fragments of it all stuck to the soles of his shoes moist with remnants of liquid (rain) and difficult to remove. he frowns at that. the toes of his clogs attempt to brush them off, but to no avail. [break][break]

they remain.[break][break]

he worries they’re stuck forever.[break][break]

leaving behind red stained footwear behind, he pads into the darkened hallways, searching for his mom. [break][break]

the living room lights are off.[break][break]

the kitchen is silent.[break][break]

he looks towards the bedrooms.[break][break]

a shiver runs down their spine.[break][break]

it reminds him of that night, already years ago.[break][break]

words of condolences ring in his ears. [break][break]

they close their eyes and press on.[break][break]

“mom?” they call softly, the bedroom door opening with a creak. when their gazes meet, she sits in bed, blanket draped over her legs. his heart pounds in his ears. the wind only grows louder. he grits his teeth.[break][break]

“are you…?”[break][break]

“i’m fine, worrywart,” marisol teases, eyes rolling and shoulders shrugging as she grins. “it’s just chilly. it’s too early to turn on the heater… maybe you should bring home a fire type, one of these days?”[break][break]

his lips purse.[break][break]

“... even if it weren’t mine?”[break][break]

the smile falters. [break][break]

“what was that?”[break][break]

he looks at her, wrapped in the way the grim reaper took her by the hand, and he himself wavers.[break][break]

no. keep going.[break][break]

this is the only time she can answer.[break][break]

even if it isn’t her.[break][break]

“if i just. stole one and brought one back…”[break][break]

“you’re a good trainer. you don’t need to do that.”[break][break]

the amusement in her voice is fading.[break][break]

“if i had to do. a shitton of. fucked up stuff just to. survive. and keep going—”[break][break]

“shigure?”[break][break]

“‘cause shit got hard and—”[break][break]

“shigure.”[break][break]

“if i became a member of team rocket, how would you feel?”[break][break]

the room grows silent.[break][break]

the temperature goes frigid.[break][break]

they let out a shaky breath, their head finally raising to meet his mom’s piercing stare.[break][break]

she looks at them like she’s seen the end of the world.

[break][break]

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