"'Amingus'? Seriously? That shit is old, man. At least a few years at this point. Did you hear someone mention it on the news and finally decide it was a worthwhile joke? You're lucky that it's the funniest shit I've ever heard, otherwise you'd be feeling the shame all the way to the retirement home." Howard said pointedly as they followed Shred into Rusturf Tunnel.

The archaeologist had to admit something, though: Shred was good.

Not at humor, no. Shred wouldn't know the definition of the word if it was plastered onto his shades. No, Shred was a Team Rocket Admin in disguise. That was to say, he knew how to divide up the workload so he did as little as possible. It was a deal as old as time. One group had the knowledge of something valuable, but no idea how to obtain it, while the other group that was actively talented did all the work.

Nonetheless, Shred was very violent persuasive, and thus here they were. Plus, there was an ancient burial mask going up for auction in a few weeks, and Howard needed to get it. If not for his collection, then for Team Rocket. They would both laugh their way to the bank, before the authorities decided that a six hundred percent increase to Howard's account was just a teensy bit suspicious.

Not that it was. Howard was simply being contracted by a middle-aged man to extract a rare mineral. Not even slightly illegal!

Leaning into the crack, Howard wafted some of that delicious cave scent into his nostrils. It was fresh, and it wasn't humid. That meant it wasn't formed by running water or erosion. That meant that, unfortunately, Shred was likely right for once. That didn't mean that Howard was going to tell him that, though. He'd never shut up about it if it were true.

"You're the one with long hair, old man. You should be the one going in first." Howard complained, but slid into the crack regardless. It was a tight squeeze, but Howard did his best impression of the worm as he squeezed into the cave. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, Howard saw the end of the crack.

"We're fine. Ten foot drop when you get to the other end. Don't break your legs or pacemaker." Howard yelled back as he fell into this new cave with a grunt.

---

Shred Zeppelin

What does having long hair have to do with you going first? Is that some kind of superstition thing? Honestly, this guy keeps calling you old, but he's the one busting out phrases and sayings from the 1800s. For all you know, he could be some kind of immortal vampire from aeons past, seeking to hoard long lost treasures to store in his ancient tomb...

...Actually, scratch that. If he had an ancient tomb full of long lost treasures, then he wouldn't keep complaining to you about how he spent next month's rent on funerary urns from Orre. No, if he was some kind of vampire, he was definitely some kind of new-age bloodsucker who subsided off eating dead rats and licking hospital floors. Nevermind the fact that you've seen Howard standing in broad daylight and handling silver and eating garlic bread; You can't let that get in the way of whatever the hell you're pondering about right now. It's a good metaphor, you just need to look beyond the surface, okay? Look, it really isn't important. You'll come back to this later. There's some good content there, and you're not abandoning it, but you need to focus on the matter at hand right now.

"Yeah, yeah."

Grumbling, you manage to push yourself through the crack in the wall, coming out the other side and immediately tumbling down ten feet and landing on your stomach. Luckily, your non-existent pacemaker remains intact. With a groan, you pull yourself to your feet, and immediately look around your surroundings.

Gigantic crystals, shimmering with strange light, giving off a weird energy. Bingo. If these aren't Tera shards in the making, then you don't know what the hell they are. Course, the problem is that they're not exactly easy to reach. You were expecting them to be out-of-the-way, but you weren't expecting them to be hanging over a chasm so deep that you couldn't see the bottom. That was an unexpected setback. You were hoping this would be like a normal cave, but it seems more like a winding disaster than anything sensible.

"So..." You begin, taking a few steps towards the edge of the sloping stone walkway and closer to your prize (but not too close, mind). "There it is. You know the deal, bud. Go do some archaeology or geology or... What is it you do again?"

---

"Stuff. I do stuff." Howard said flatly as he grumbled, yet listened to Shred's orders and opened his bag. As much as Howard liked to bemoan his life's choices, he was a passive man. Jabs against Shred were fine, as verbally abusing Shred was the same as insulting Howard's landlord. Both were approved by society, and Howard would definitely pour grease down the sink of both if given the chance.

"I know what you're thinking." Howard said, reading Shred's expression. "Something something 'why are those crystals over there and not over here?' Why is my luck so terrible?"

Shit. Maybe Howard was a vampire. Or a zombie. Or an immortal mummy who feasted on the souls of middle-aged Gym Challengers who did grunt work for the mob. Was the garlic bread a hoax? What sort of dastardly fiend would fake garlic bread in order to get into Shred's good graces?

Only a dastardly one.

Snap! Howard donned a belt filled with loops for various tools, including hammers, chisels, and a satchel on his back. "It's because they want room to grow. Water probably flowed through here a hundred thousand years ago, and took minerals with it. Makes a great seedbed for gems." He explained, shrugging. "I'm gonna attach myself to a zipline, and shimmy over there. I'm gonna use my Baltoy to secure it on that end, and you're gonna use those muscles you have to pound this spike into the rock."

As he monologued, he pushed a heavy iron stake into Shred's hands, along with a pounding hammer. "When you're done, you slip the loopy end of the zipline around. If the spike is too loose, it'll slip and I'll either fall to my death or make the other side of the chasm look like someone threw a gallon of red paint against it. If that happens, I'll kill you."

Or worse, he'd come back as a vampire. Perchance.

Crumble appeared out of its ball, and after some whispered instructions, began to float to the other side of the chasm while carrying the other end of the zipline with its psychic power. "I have faith in you, Shred." Howard grumbled as he clipped himself to the line.

---

Shred Zeppelin

Having faith in you? Frankly, a terrible decision. If you were the one on that zipline, you sure as shit aren't trusting your life to yourself. You'd probably half-ass it and send yourself careening to your death. Knowing your look, you wouldn't die on impact, either. You'd be lying there in a broken heap for a few hours before a stray Orthworm squirmed over your body and smothered you to death. No, you absolutely can't be trusted with this kind of task. So, it's time to delegate.

"Golurk, c'mon out."

With a murmur, you release your muscle from its Pokeball. The first thing the gigantic construct does upon being freed is bonk their head on the top of the cave. Given how the big fucker is about as tall as the cavern is, that's to be expected. Nevertheless, they quickly adjusts their posture, before turning to face you.

"Do me a solid and pound this spike into the rock, yeah?"

CONFIRMATION: Affirmative.

The titan has no neck to nod with, but you like to imagine that if they did have one, they would be nodding. Then again, they don't exactly seem like the expressive type either way. Whatever the case may be, they take the metal stake into their hand, and with a few taps of their heavy fingers, they effortlessly drive it deeper into the stone than you ever could, and in a fraction of the time, too. It really does pay to have good help, doesn't it?

But to change the subject away from good help, you lazily turn to Howard and give him a thumbs up. You've done all you can, but the rest is up to him. You've done your "stuff", now it's his turn to do his "stuff".

---

howard slayte

"I have faith in your Golurk, Shred." Howard reaffirmed as he shimmied like his life depended on it. In a way, it did. In a less stressful environment, Howard would've gushed over Shred's Golurk and his taste in Pokémon. Howard always wanted a Golurk to study, but it hadn't been in the cards. Now, Howard was on a zipline overlooking certain death, relying on one of the automatons to keep him safe.

Assuming the fucking thing didn't bring the cave down on them.

No, not the 'fucking thing'.

Correction: Assuming the fucking Shred didn't bring the cave down on him. Who released a massive Pokémon into such a cramped space? Idiot. Howard was going to toss him off a cliff as soon as he got a chance.

Crumble pounded the spike in and secured it with psychic power on the other side. It was slow work, and Howard couldn't shimmy very fast without risking dislodging one spike or the other. After an eternity, he finally reached the crystals. Crumble floated over. "I'm gonna break 'em, you catch 'em. Bonus points if you throw it at the old man's head."

A challenge.

Howard produced a small chisel and mallet, and began pounding into the crystals. As he did, cracks of light threatened to blind his face. Howard's mother worked with gems, and that had rubbed off on him. He could break an oversized crystal into chunks. Crack. Crack. Crack.

Chink. A crystal fell. Crumble caught it. Using psychic power, it threw the valuable gem straight at Shred's head.

---

Shred Zeppelin

Frankly, you're not paying much attention to the "stuff" going on across the chasm. You could care less about the delicate art of smacking fragile crystals with tiny hammers. If it was with a big hammer? Maybe, maybe you could get into that. But a small hammer? Nah. You're not one of those torture freaks that Rocket seems to attract. You don't need to know all the interesting places you can stick a nail. Personally, you're fine with keeping it simple, stupid. Just club someone over the back of the head and be done with it, which, coincidentally, is your "stuff"

But this "stuff" isn't your "stuff", and apparently, Howard's "stuff" is a timely process, so it's time to waste time. Stifling a yawn, you reach into your pocket and fish out your phone. You probably won't get wifi down here, but that's fine with you. After all, you never deleted Flappy Pidgey. You'll just turn off your brain and tap your cracked screen for a few minutes.

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap tap tap. Tap tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap tap. THUNK!

"AGH!" You yelp, your entire body flinching as a gemstone domes your forehead. Is this what it's like to get shot in the head? You have to say, it's more shocking than it is painful, and once that shock fades, irritation quickly surges to replace it. Time to stomp out this funny business before it gets out of hand. "Oi! Any more of those hit me, and they're being taken out of your cut, got it?"

There. That should keep that poverty-stricken fuck in line. Well, unless he values his goofs and gaffs more than making his rent this month, and honestly, you wouldn't put that past him. But, that's that. Now, where were you? Ah, yes...

Tap. Tap. Tap tap. Tap...

---

howard slayte

"My pay? You cheater, that's not fair!" Howard whined as he straightened to glare at Shred. Motherfucker. That meant Howard had to get smart. Unfortunately, he wasn't particularly clever while dangling over a chasm while breaking crystals. Most of his brainpower was being used to avoid cracking the wrong gem seam.

As it turned out, when your gems were filled with arcane power from who knew where, it was super easy for them to explode. The worst part was, Howard had little clue how they'd react. Howard could break a crystal wrong and it'd explode, turning Shred and Howard into Pidoves or something equally asinine. That was what happened when you messed with funky arcane powers. At best, Howard and Shred could get cool powers, and they could hang out together in the upper echelons of Team Rocket while drinking expensive champagne and wearing clothes that cost more than ten PD an article.

On the other hand, Pidoves.

Both were appealing, in a sort of funky way. Perchance.

As Shred utterly shredded that game of Flappy Pidgey, Howard continued to work on the gem deposit. A good chunk of it was too volatile to extract without equipment that cost a year's salary, but enough of it was stable to be worked away with a chisel. He had acquired half of the obtainable gems, and a pile next to Shred was slowly beginning to accumulate.

However, one thing wouldn't accumulate: his Flappy Pidgey score.

"Fuck him up." Howard muttered to Crumble as he worked on a stubborn piece of crystal. The Baltoy spun across the zipline like a top, before releasing a Cosmic Power that would've been blinding at such a close range, if not for Shred's lame-as-fuck shades.

Howard silently snickered at his masterfully devious strategy went into effect. It wasn't masterful, nor was it devious. It was a pretty lame strategy, but that meant it was perfect for Shred Zeppelin.

---

Shred Zeppelin

"Life's not fair." You casually retort, rubbing the sore spot on your forehead. "You think we'd both be in the literal mines right now if life was fair? Well, I guess you probably would, wouldn't you? Guy like me, though? I'd prefer if I never had to think about the mines ever again."

At a certain point, you're just saying words for the sake of saying words. Whether or not they mean anything, that doesn't really matter. You just need somebody to fill the dead air, and if it comes down to you and Howard, then you know who you'd rather listen to.

Tap. Tap tap. Tap. Tap tap tap.

Ah, they really don't make them like they used to. The computer gaming experience really did peak at Flappy Pidgey. Endlessly replayable yet compact in size and simple in understanding. Easy to learn, hard to master, a floor low yet a ceiling high. Plus, this shit pumps the dopamine out of your brain like it's a kilogram of cocaine. It was a real shame that they took it off the markets, because this was the top of the mountain. Doesn't matter how many more gigabytes they slam into the executables, because it doesn't get any better than Flappy Pidg--

"GYAHH!!"

You shriek out in pain as the Cosmic Power hits your eyes, even managing to penetrate your cheap sunglasses to scorch your retinas. Ooooh, this fucker! This fucking fucked fucker... He thinks he's slick, doesn't he? Thinks he's clever? Well, he isn't! He's a dumbass and a cretin, and YOU'LL show him who's the clever one here!

Grabbing the Baltoy in a semi-blind rage, you proceed to rear back, before flinging poor, innocent Crumble as hard as you could towards both Howard. Of course, there's a slim chance that you miss, and instead end up hitting the Tera crystal, causing it to blow up, eviscerate Howard, and cause a cave-in that traps you under a few tonnes of stone, crushing you and causing you to suffer a slow and agonising death through suffocation. But, hey, what are the odds of that?

---

howard slayte

Man, Howard was so smart. How he didn't get his doctorate in one year was beyond him. You had to be a true pro to dodge Shred's lame-as-fuck threats. If Howard couldn't touch him, he'd blind him. If he couldn't blind him, he'd annoy him. If he couldn't annoy him, then Howard would be dead in a ditch somewhere, for his mission had been complete.

Tap tap tap. Howard continued to mine at the crystals. The experience he used had been hewn from the stone of inexperience and mediocrity, which had been swept away like a layer of rubble and dirt coating a rare and valuable stone.

Tap tap tap. His mother would likely be impressed by the quality of these stones. Mining away at them reminded him of when he was younger, and watched his mother appraise jewelry. He had initially been drawn towards the craft for the simple reason that sparkly objects were interesting. But as he grew older, he learned to appreciate...

"Alright, we're-" good. Howard was going to say good. He had mined all the crystal that could safely be extracted without heavier, more delicate equipment. It would net enough PD to set Shred and Howard up for a long time.

So yeah, things were good.

Until Crumble came flying at Howard. With a shriek, Howard dipped his head, and Crumble dodged Howard's cranium by a view inches, and Baltoy's top-head-spike dug into the vein of funky magic crystal. In another world, Howard would've applauded Shred and introduced him to a baseball team that was looking for a pitcher, because Shred had thrown a pretty acceptable hardball, all things considered.

"Crumble...?" Howard poked his Baltoy, which was letting out a low chattering sound as it vibrated. "Crumble... Hey!" Howard poked his Baltoy again, before it shot out of the crystal at an obscene speed, nearly braining Shred in the process. Where Crumble had once been embedded into the crystal was now a bright light, and it was growing larger with more and more cracks.

"Shit." Howard peered at it for a second, before blinking. "SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!" That wasn't what Howard intended to say. Instead, he had meant to say something like SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT, but it was the same message, essentially.

"Shred, we're gonna turn into Pidgeys!" Howard shouted as the crystal started to rumble. His voice was getting an octave higher with each crack of the crystal. He began scooting across the zipline like a man possessed. "Shred! Shred! We're gonna fucking die! Run!"

Despite their upcoming demise, Howard didn't let go of the crystals he had mined but didn't toss to Shred. If he was going to get atomized by raw energy, he wanted to bring something of value to pawn off in the afterlife.

---

Shred Zeppelin

"...Fuck me sideways."

Well, this is going to be a lame way to die: Crushed to death by rocks, or obliterated by a magic crystal, or maybe even both at the same time. Personally, you were always hoping you'd get blasted by a shotgun, or mind-melted by a Psychic type, or overdose on heroin, or something like that. Instead, this is the way you're going out. Everyone in hell is going to make fun of you for this. They're never going to let you hear the end of it.

The cracks spread outward, blossoming from the crystal and spreading to the ceiling and the walls. You're really starting to wish that Howard had just took one for the team and ate the concussion. Maybe you still have time to club him over the head before you both perish? What else are you going to do, get out of here in one piece? What are the odds of that?

WARNING: Structual instability detected. [ENGAGING HIGH-SPEED WITHDRAWAL].

Apparently so. With one hand, Golurk scooped you up as though you were the world's most foul ice cream, before tearing the zipline out of the ground and slinging it over its shoulder as though it were the world's dirtiest rucksack. Then, with all the elegance of a runaway freight train, it proceeded to barrel forth, crashing back the way it came, and causing even greater structual damage besides. But, hey, it was already going down, right? Making it come down faster can't make it get much worse.

"HOWARD? HOWARD?! ARE YOU DEAD?! I CAN'T TELL!"

---

howard slayte

"Ugggguhhhhhhhhhh?" Howard fell out Golurk's other hand, and the aforementioned Pidgeys could be seen twittering around his head as he shook off his confusion. Either that, or Shred had a concussion. Maybe they both had concussions, or, even better, they had both died in that cave and they were now stuck in purgatory together, destined to roam caves with tera crystals forever.

Perchance.

Howard didn't have a Golurk, but he did have a Crumble. The top must've reacted quickly, and used its psychic power to fling Howard and itself into the Golurk's other hand. Lucky for him, giving that Golurk's rapid exit had collapsed several caves as it raced them to the main section of Rusturf Tunnel.

"Guh... I'll live." Howard blinked. "I have a concussion." Howard blinked again, then tilted his head. "Deaf in the left ear, too. Common for mining accidents."

He was so casual about the analysis, as if he and Shred hadn't simultaneously caused a massive cave-in over a game of Flappy Pidgey of all things. Then, after a few seconds, Howard remembered to get angry. "Look what you did, Shred! Was that game of Flappy Pidgey so important to you? Did you even get a good score? Shit, man." Howard threw up his hands, before pointing at Shred.

Stupid idiot midlife crisis man. Knowing him, he wanted to grind up the tera crystals into a powder and smoke it. Fucking crackhead.

---

Shred Zeppelin

ANNOUNCEMENT: You have been rescued.

With that unceremonious declaration, Golurk proceeds to dump both you and Howard back on the floor of Rusturf Tunnel. It's funny, because you really don't feel particularly rescued. Much the opposite, it feels like you've been smashed through several layers of thick cave wall. Every inch of your body hurts, and the only reason you're not screaming in pain right now is because you're completely numb from the shock. But you're not dead, so you suppose in comparison, a couple dozen bone fractures isn't so bad.

With a groan, you wriggle up to your feet like a creaky Wurmple, and lean against the nearest wall for support. It's fine. It's fine! You definitely won't be in agony when the adrenaline fades! And you're definitely not going to get mad at Howard for being a dick! You're not mad. YOU'RE DEFINITELY NOT MAD.

"How about you fuck off, bud?" You snap, pointing an accusatory finger towards the concussed man. "Huh? Have you thought about that? You could've just let me have my goddamn fun with Flappy Pidgey, but no, you HAD to start shit! You didn't even give me the time to get a good score go--"

You reach into your pocket to retrieve your phone, only to freeze. It's not there. Did you...? No. There's no possible way you could've dropped it back in that cave, the cave that's currently buried underneath several tons of rock. You try to deny it, but in your heart, you know.

You fall to your knees.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

---

howard slayte

"Why did I even NEED you? What did you do?" Howard pointed a finger at the man who was likely suffering from several hemorrhages due to internal bleeding. "I did all the work while you sat on your phone playing your fucking video games. I'm surprised you even heard about this crystal deposit, you chucklefuck! Every minute thing you did, I could've done myself. I could've brought you back enough money to do every drug from the beaches of Sunnyshore to fucking Olivine!"

Stupid druggy idiot. Shred could've been learning an actual skill instead of slacking on his phone. Maybe he'd make an excellent Rocket Beast or Underboss. After all, Shred was excellent at sitting on his ass and doing nothing but pass wind and snort enough cocaine to kill a Wailord.

Man, this being angry thing was really doing a number on Howard's internal organs. After a moment, he furrowed his brow. Yep, definitely internal bleeding. Great, he'd definitely need a hospital visit after this. Assuming the two of them didn't collapse on the side of the road with tens of thousands of PD in tera crystals on them.

"What's got your panties shredded, Shred? It's a goddamn phone game." Howard said foolishly, unaware of its current state on the Pokeapp Store. "Just download it again."

---

Shred Zeppelin