"Slushy, slushy, everyone loves slushies!" Howard hummed as he banged open the door to the back of the Pokemart. He had a mutual agreement with the closing store clerk. Normally, only employees could leave through the back door. Yet the clerk was both too tired and underpaid to care.

"Fifty percent off slushies~" Howard held two in his hands, with his pack strapped to his back. This late at night, the store wanted to get rid of any spare drink left in the dispenser so that it could be cleaned for the morning. Hell, they'd probably give them to Howard for free if he asked nicely enough. He had to try that one of these days. "All for meeee...."

He took a slurp of one before coming face to face with Shred Zeppelin. Dammit. Was he supposed to be here? Howard eyed his watch. Shred was early, the bastard. Why was he early for once? This was his alone time, not to be shared with anyone else.

How much had the enforcer heard?

Shit.

Shit shit shit.

"You're early." Howard said casually, as if this was all going according to some sort of master plan. "Hear anything strange, perchance?"

Perchance? Had he just said 'perchance'? Howard felt his soul atomizing and turning to dust. Maybe Shred could just beat him to death and leave him here on the pavement. It would make this far easier.

---

Shred Zeppelin

"I just, want to grill~" You cheerfully hum, pulling free the "Heat-More Instant BBQ!" from its packaging and placing the aluminium tray. You don't have any matches handy, but luckily, you don't need them. All it takes is one click of his Pokeball to send out Salandit, and a word of command for it to spit a wisp of flame to ignite the charcoal. Before long, you've got a fire running, and you couldn't be happier about that. "Grill, grill, grill grill grill~"

But of course, you can't grill without something to grill. Ripping open the plastic packaging, you toss a pair of burgers upon your flame, and it isn't long before they begin to sizzle and cook, filling the alley with the scent of greasy, cheap meat. It's a veritable delight. This is everything you could ever want from life.

[break][break][break][break][break][break][break][break][break][break][break][break][break][break][break][break]

Look at him. Even the poor bastard is having a lovely time. Truly, you’ve hit the pinnacle. This is peak. This…

…How long has howard slayte been standing there?

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck.

”Oh, am I?” You coyly reply, continuing to squat there as the burgers continue to quietly sizzle next to you. ”I wouldn’t know anything about that. Nothing strange here.”

…Perchance? Hang on, did he just say perchance?

What the fuck is he talking about?

---

howard slayte

"I did not just say perchance, if you were wondering." Howard said casually as he took a deep breath. Howard Slayte was not a psychic wizard. He could not read minds. He could barely read an email without having a nervous breakdown. He was simply covering his bases, no matter what Shred thought he said. It was simply more favorable to say you weren't saying perchance instead of letting the possibility exist.

Sizzle...

Howard was unaware if Shred could string words with multiple syllables together. The man had a sort of cruel cunning to him, akin to someone who simply ran out of fucks to give and instead elected to ride life out. It was the type of experience and cunning that grew with age.

Yet did he know what the word 'perchance' even meant?

Sizzle...

If he did, Howard had saved himself with his brilliant statement. But what if Shred didn't know what it meant? Howard gauged the expression on his face. With Shred's shades on, it was impossible to tell.

Shit. Shit shit shit.

He definitely knew. How did Howard get out of this. The archaeologist eyed the Salandit like one did a dangerous weapon. Who knew what sick tortures the other man could inflict upon him with such a beast.

Sizzle...

It was time to address the sound, wasn't it? And the smell...?

"Okay." Howard said carefully. "Can we rewind about twelve seconds. I think that would be the best course of action here. Ah yes, compromise. A secret death pact that the two would keep until they were dead and buried. Unless this interaction was being recorded by Rustboro Police Department. In which case this would be immortalized forever.

---

Shred Zeppelin

Hm... Yeah, probably better to just forget the past twelve seconds, though it feels more like twelve minutes. Either way, consigning it to oblivion is probably be for the best. Don't get stuck in the past, something something, look to the future, something something, live in the present, something something, perchance perchance. That's how the saying goes, right? You're pretty sure it's something like that.

SIZZLE!

"Shit, my burgers!"

Taking a deep breath, you rescue the cooking meat from the grill the only way you know how - By grabbing it with your bare hands. It's an incredibly painful solution to a relatively simple problem, but it does work. With gritted teeth, you drop the slightly-charred burger onto a paper plate, before sticking your grease-covered hands into your pockets and putting on a brave face. It doesn't hurt. You're tough as nails. This definitely isn't going to lead to third-degree burns. You'll be fine.

At the very least, the burger is only very slightly overcooked. Though, considering how they make them at Liberty Burger, this is probably still an improvement. Arguably, any skin that melted off your fingers just increases the flavour. Is that a compliment of the taste of your flesh, or a damning indictment of Slateport's restauraunts? Hard to say, hard to say.

But, well, this isn't really why you're here.

"Ngh... Alright, back to business." You grunt, looking up at Howard from over the frames of your sunglasses. Meanwhile, Salandit is busy fishing another burger out of the pack, no doubt preparing it for the barbecue, too. "First things first: Any updates on your end? Dig up any dinosaur bones? Steal any nice artifacts from a foreign country? Anything like that?"

---

howard slayte

Looking towards the past was often Howard's favorite pastime. It was how he made money to afford a modest lifestyle that was supplanted with poor spending habits. For the first time in his life, this would not be something that Howard wanted to look into. It would remain buried with the sands of time, and would only be remembered on extremely late nights when Howard wanted to sleep. Just as he would drift off, his brain would remind him of this moment, and he would audibly groan.

Perchance, perchance.

"Oh, can we talk about the burgers now? The burgers you're audibly grilling? What if someone sees us? Sees me? If they catch you, you'll just get thrown in the slammer for a week. If they catch me, my life is over." For a moment, Howard's rage was genuine. After a moment, the anger melted right off his face. Fuck, he couldn't afford to waste energy getting irritated over this of all things.

"Toss one on for me. I'll trade you a slushy." Howard grunted as he dropped his bag. "Yes. I've exceeded our glorious leaders' intentions. May they give me a two pokedollar raise." Howard splayed his hands like a magic spell as he opened the bag. Producing a dozen parcels, Howard laid them out for Shred to preview at his burger-flipping leisure.

Speaking of burgers... Liberty Burger? Seriously? That place was a dump. If Howard knew how far Shred's tastes had fallen, getting arrested would've been preferable to being seen next to him. Given that they would likely end up in the same cell, and that Shred could kick his ass, this thought wasn't worth continuing.

"Darkest Day paintings and rubbings." Howard tapped three distinct slates, which were each carved with scenes of misery and the like. "Got them through Galar's customs. "I verified the relic silvers and relic golds you sent my way. A fifth were fakes. Not bad. Half of what y'all normally send me are duds. The rest are various pieces that need to be sorted into sets to increase the value. There should be something big in the works coming up. I just need to tighten my search."

Looking up, Howard made a face. "Dinosaur bones? Shit, man. I couldn't even move any if I tried on my own. If you want bones with any actual value, given me ten aides and a few trucks. Howard offered the slushy to Shred as he turned away. "Dinosaur bones..."

---

Shred Zeppelin

"Mate, it's not illegal to grill." You idly deflect his harsh critique, giving howard slayte the verbal equivelant of a shrug. "You need to chill the hell out. Even if the pigs catch us, what're they going to do? Nobody's going to shit themselves because I've got meat on the barbecue. Well, nobody except you, anyway."

And the nerve to ask for one after kicking up all this fuss? You've got no reason to give this ingrate a single shred of beef. Still, while you've got plenty of food on the go, you're lacking in terms of refreshments, and what's a burger without a cold drink to wash it down?

"You drive a hard bargain. Deal." You make the trade, taking the burger from the plate, slapping it into a roughly-cut bun, and handing it over in exchange for a slushy. Goods have been exchanged for goods. Truly, this is capitalism at its finest, which also happens to be at its most primitive. If only you could upscale this operation, trading millions of burgers for millions of slushies. Then you might actually be able to afford a house. "And speaking of deals..."

A sharp whistle escapes your lips as you look down on the offered treasures. You have no idea what any of this is actually worth, but if Howard says it's money, then it's got to be money. In fact, you can tell this will fetch a high price, because he's not excited by it whatsoever. Whenever he's happy with one of his finds, it's usually because he's found some statuette of a Tarountula made out of a dung dated to the 4th century, which proves that the early Hoenn civilisations knew about Paldea and had established a route of transport that blah blah blah lame shit lame shit don't care don't care.

"Shame about no dinosaur bones, but the rest? Dare I say, things are looking up for us." You muse aloud, pausing to take a bite of burger, before continuing. "Forget about two Pokedollars, you might even get two Pokedollars and fifty Pokepennies for this one."

Truly, this was going to be a job well done.

"...You sure dinosaur bones aren't worth anything? Like, you're sure you're sure?"

---

howard slayte

"Sorry. Thanks." Howard muttered as he visibly deflated and accepted Shred's offering. This was how the ancient Hoennites had created the first crumbs of society eons prior. Perhaps mankind was about to come full circle, with individuals exchanging slushies for burgers in a perfect utopia. Of course, you still needed to pay someone to make the slushies and burgers to begin with, so perhaps the idea needed some work.

That didn't mean it was bad, though. All it meant was that Howard and Shred needed each other for a while longer until mankind could move towards this ideal future.

He took a bite of the burger. Delicious. He was half-tempted to release Shirley out to taste it, but it was likely that she would devour every burger that Shred cooked, which would end with Howard in debt to Shred; a prospect only slightly more preferable than running into oncoming traffic.

"Yes, yes. I'm amazing and I do great work for minimal pay. The sky is blue, slushies are delicious, yada yada." Howard said, though he allowed himself to look pleased for a moment as he basked in the moment. Howard didn't just like dung statues. He liked things that expanded his knowledge of the past. If that was the vase of a Unovan king or a dung statue, then it was valuable to Howard. Of course, his collection expanded further than many on this side of the region, but that was besides the point.

"Talk them up to seventy-five Pokepennies and it might actually be a worthwhile raise." Howard replied to Shred's jab. How far had he fallen, for the equivalent of a minimum wage raise to be something worth looking forward to.

"No, they're worth something. They just take a lot more work to dig out of the ground, and nobody gives me any help." Howard said as he wrapped up the artifacts before he got grease all over them. "A dinosaur bone is like, a bajillion years old, right?" Howard's professor would've shot him if he heard the word 'bajillion', but it was best to use small words when dealing with Shred.

Shred wasn't stupid. He just happened to find hitting things easier than thinking.

"They're so old that if I try to move them back to our cells here or even Sootopolis, they'll crack and break into dust. Most of the time, they're hollow. You put them in shock-resistant gel and transport the by helicopter or truck and avoid every pothole for several hundred miles." Howard raised an eyebrow as he took a bite of the burger. "And like, shit, man. How many potholes are between here and the Pokémon Center alone?"

Hoenn roadwork being functional? Absolutely impossible.

---

Shred Zeppelin

"I see..."

Damn. That sucks. Too delicate to be cheap, but not expensive enough to be worth investing in. The dinosaur bone economy truly is in shambles, isn't it? Oh well. You'll file this conversation away in the back of your mind. You've always wanted to have a Tyrantrum skeleton, ever since you were a child. Once you're a made man, you'll not only have that skeleton, but a house to put it in, too. Hell, once you're the Champion, you'll be able to have as many houses and as many dinosaur bones as you want, and nobody, not the League fat cats nor the Rocket top dogs, will be able to stop you.

But that tangent aside, seems like everything is going well on his end, and that's good. The cash cow still has plenty of milk left in its udders. Howard Slayte will keep pumping out profits, a box on a spreadsheet will be green instead of red, and some financier fucker will be right pleased with the good work. All in all, seems like--

--BRINGBRINGBRINGBRINGBRINGBRINGBRINGBRINGBRING!!!

Awh, fuck, that's your phone. Taking a deep breath, you place your burger to the side and fish your phone out of your pocket, and it only takes one glance at the caller - "smuggling prick" - to tell you that you need to be elsewhere, and you needed to be there about an hour ago.

"Well, it's been real, it's been fun, it's been real fun, but I got other business to take care of." You sigh, turning down the volume of the ringtone as you stand up. With one tap of a button, you return Salandit to his Pokeball, and as soon as he's safe and secure inside, you begin walking away. "You know how this goes. Dropoff point is the same as last time. See you next week, Slayte."

With that, you leave the alley, turn the corner out of sight, and immediately break into a sprint, off to handle whatever mess you may or may not be responsible for. Once again, Howard Slayte is left alone, with only the unattended barbecue to keep him company, and your half-eaten burger to remember you by.

---

howard slayte

Hell, Shred could have that skeleton if he wanted. Howard would gladly dig it up for him as long as he got paid and had unlimited reign to come and see it. Tyrantrums were cool as shit, and it was the species that got the most excitement out of kids when they went out to museum tours. Not everyone could appreciate the complexities of an ornate mask or an artifact that explained some far flung piece of history, but everyone, everyone, could appreciate a huge-ass dinosaur skeleton.

In that sense, Howard could dig the logic. Pun intended.

"No it hasn't." Howard blinked as he remembered their contract. "Wait. Yes it has. Bring a vehicle next time so I can load all this up and ship it out. My apartment is clogged up as it is, and there's this statuette I want to purchase off auction. I'm serious, Shred!" Howard stood up. "I'm running out of room!"

Yet Shred had already vanished. Damn.

"Damn." Howard sighed, echoing his thoughts. He collected up the artifacts and returned them to their bag. He stared at it for a moment. This was enough to possibly open an entire wing in Rustboro's museum, and he was going to sell it off. Man. Oh well, it is what it is. It wasn't like he had any other choice.

Slurpppp... Howard drank the slushy and consumed his cheap meat concoction, before standing up. After a moment, he walked off into the night.

---

Shred Zeppelin