Aaaaah, shit.

"It's fine! It's fine." You shout, and then you whisper. Sure, it's dream mist, but also, it's just dream mist. That doesn't necessarily mean that there's any Paradox Pokemon hanging about. It's like smoke - Yeah, it's a bad sign, but it doesn't mean that there's a fire going on. "Don't cause a fuss. We just need to get out of here, before--"

CLANG! BZZZZZZZZT! As though Paradox-Arceus is acting specifically to spite you, silhouettes rise out of the vent. It's grotesque and gangly and long, horribly misshapen and overall awful. With a few wobbly steps, the shadow steps out of the pink fog and reveals itself as... A Magneton? A really, really malformed Magneton. Why is it so hairy?

ZAP! A Thunderbolt races past your head, as the Sandy Shocks continues to amble forth with malicious intent. Well, seems there's no time to be critiquing its aesthetic. At least, not when it's trying to kill you.

"SHIT!"

---

howard slayte

Paradox-Arceus was a piece of shit. Fuck that guy.

"It's hideous! What the fuck is wrong with its legs!?" Howard scrambled back. He had seen Sandy Shocks before, through a projection made by Lulu Flint , but seeing the real thing move was an affront to Arceus and every other pantheon in existence. Magnets weren't supposed to move like that!

What public consciousness had cooked this thing up? Howard could understand Iron Thorn, Roaring Moon, and the like. But this? Seriously? The mist had the entirety of human consciousness to concoct something and it concocted the most middling design known to humanity?

Howard didn't know whether to be offended or upset.

"C'mon, be something good..." Howard reached for his belt and picked a random Pokeball. He didn't know which was which in the heat of the moment, but hopefully this one was Crumble or Shirely. If it was Atlas, Howard and Shred would die in a cave-in fighting the ugliest creature known to man.

Howard threw the ball. A burst of light enveloped the cave.

Splash. A small blue creature appeared in Crumble's place as Howard's soul died. Phione? Seriously? He had picked Azure from his belt? That was like, a one in six chance! This is why Howard didn't gamble.

"Azure! Nooo!" Howard shouted as Azure splashed over to the Sandy Shocks and looked up at it, attempting to Charm the abomination into submission. Azure's eyes grew wide and cuddly, and the Sandy Shocks gaze was drawn to it. Slowly, the Paradox Pokemon approached Azure slowly, as if it were a gentle creature.

ZZZZZZZZRTT!!! ZAP!!!!!

Azure collapsed in an electrified heap as the Sandy Shocks turned back towards Shred and Howard. Howard grimaced slightly. Maybe it was best to just lunge towards the Sandy Shocks and kill himself rather than live in this precise moment.

---

Shred
Mission start +50
post +80
UB +25
KO +10
legendary +25
mist +10
KO'd Pokemon +50

Well, looks like there's no choice. If you can't get out of here, then you're just going to have to fight this thing. As Howard throws out a Pokeball, you follow suit, grabbing one of your Pokeballs and--

Splash. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZRT.

--Hm. You pause mid-throw, pulling the Pokeball back and raising it up to eye level. Probably safe to double check whose Pokeball this is, right? Not that you're afraid of a bad match-up or anything, but you'd better be safe than so-- MURKOW?! Oh, thank FUCK you checked. That wouldn't have been good at all. Slowly, you return Murkow's Pokeball to his belt, and pick out another one, repeating the process. Cacturne? Yeah, Cacturne seems good here. You'll do Cacturne.

"Cacturne!" You call out, tossing the Pokeball forward and sending the grass-type forth in a flash of light. "Get his ass!"

"Whatever you say, pardner!"

Rushing forth, the living cactus aimed a Needle Arm towards the Sandy Shocks while it was preoccupied looming over the cooked fish, smacking it on the back of its head(s?) with a dozen barbs. It was most effective... Perhaps a little too effective. As Cacturne pulled back her arm to hit it a second time, she found that her multiple prickly spines were buried so deep that they wouldn't come loose. In other words, she was stuck. The good news was, she was a Grass type instead of a Water type, so she wouldn't go down easy. The bad news was, that meant she'd go down very, very slowly.

"Ah, shit. One sec, just gotta..."

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZRT.

"Ow! That hurt, you damned son of a gun! Knock that off!"

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZRT.

"I said quit it, you bastard! You looking to die tonight?!"

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZRT.

And so on, and so on.

---

howard slayte

At least Shred's brain was functioning properly. Howard had fumbled harder than the Rustboro Rampardos in their game against the Dewford Dewgongs. In less dire circumstances, Howard suspected Shred would've called him several things. Hell, he was probably thinkig things right now. Howard's eye flicked to Shred.

Yeah, that man was thinking something dubious.

Alas.

Cacturne were pretty cool, though. Maybe Shred was really into wild west flicks. Reaching for his belt, Howard sighed. His Probopass had been thrashed pretty thoroughly while fighting Eris, and the rest of his team was either too large or too weary to utilize the space of this cavern as much. That left...

Shirley. Against the Sandy Shocks. Joy.

Reaching for his belt, Howard threw out his Aerodactyl. Shirley appeared with a roar that echoed through the cave.

"Good heavens, you've become inseparable from that ghastly creature, haven't you? And you're getting shocked every 2.4 seconds. Are you a brute?" Shirley cocked her head as Cacturne was zapped again. "Make that 2.3."

Lunging into action, Shirley glided towards the Sandy Shocks, Terastallizing as she did so. The electric arcs danced off of the newly acquired Grass-type. Her maw became filled with ice as she snapped against the Sandy Shocks with Ice Fang. The abomination vanished back into mist, and Shirley growled.

"Aw yeah, we're the best. The coolest! The most spectacular!" Howard beamed, as if he hadn't just sent a Legendary Pokemon to faint seconds prior. "Up top!"

He offered a high five. In 2023? Year of Arceus himself?

---

Shred
Mission start +50
post +90
UB +25
KO +10
legendary +25
mist +10
Tera +10
KO'd Pokemon +50

"FUCK YEAH!"

You reciprocate the high five, hooting and hollering with excitement. Then, the realisation sets in that you're celebrating that you managed to take down a million-year old Magneton with three Pokemon and one casualty. That takes the wind out of your sails real quick, and leaves you more than a little deflated. You look over, and your Cacturne is giving you a side-eye that lets you know that yes, you really are THAT lame.

"Ahem. Yeah, good job." You pat Howard on the shoulder, before stepping over to your Cacturne with her Pokeball in hand. "You too, bud. Your job here is done, so take five, alright?"

"Whatever you say, jackass."

"Hm?" You intone, tapping a button and returning the mouthy cactus back to her Pokeball. "Sorry, didn't catch that last part. Oh well, guess it wasn't important."

Having effectively proven her point, you return Cacturne's Pokeball to you belt, before returning to what you were doing before the Paradox Pokemon had arrived: Trying and failing to figure out how you'd get out of this hole.

"...So, like, you're SURE you don't have any grappling hooks or ziplines in your jacket or anything, right? You're sure you're sure?"

---

howard slayte

"No. I lost to a little kid, remember. She probably stole anything of value on me." Howard threw up his hands before reaching for his belt. "You bring rope when you think you might fall. I didn't expect your cave to collapse."

The cave had been doing pretty well until Howard dropped a metric ton of bricks on it, but that wasn't important.

A metric ton of bricks...

"Aha!" Reaching for his belt, Howard plucked out Stakataka's Pokeball. He tossed it out, and the alien Ultra Beast emerged. Howard never got used to how alien Stakataka was compared to many other Ultra Beasts. It was still insanely useful, regardless. Its limits were whatever the user could dream up.

So what would Howard Slayte, genius archaeologist, nerd, and overall smart person do? Clearly, he would make an elevator that rose through magnetic-

"Stairs. I need you to make stairs." Howard told the pile of bricks. Several eyes turned to it, blinked, before closing as the mass of bricks morphed into a staircase that allowed them to climb out of the cave.

It wasn't a grappling hook or zipline or anything, but it would get them out of here. Howard started walking up the stairs.

---

Shred
Mission start +50
post +100
assist +10
UB +25
KO +10
legendary +25
mist +10
Tera +10
KO'd Pokemon +50

Man, this Stakataka is actually pretty convenient. What can't this big pile of bricks do? They can be a wall, they can be stairs, they could probably even be a table! A particularly big and heavy table, mind, but still a table. Considering that the sum total of furniture you own is a mattress, a sofa, a television, and a pile of stolen games consoles, that's not half bad. You've got to snag yourselves one of those the next time you go to the Ultra Plant...

"Nice. Now, let's get out of here." You start walking, climbing up the stairs as you look upwards towards the hole you fell down. Man, you really hope none of the captives have escaped. If Operation: Yoink goes up in smoke over something as stupid as this, then you genuinely might lose it for real. "C'mon, still be there, please still be there, please please please still be--"

Squish.

Squish? You stop. Did you just step on something? You look down at your foot and slowly raise it up, revealing that, yes, you have just stepped on something - A big silvery glob of molten metal.

"The hell...? Oi, Howard! What's wrong with your stairs? Why does it looks like they're melting?"

"no actually thats wrong my name isnt melting its meltan"

...What?

You watch, dumbfounded, as the blob pulls itself up onto your foot, dragging a gigantic yellow nut behind it. Slowly but surely, it pulls itself up your entire body, clambering all the way up your leg and over your body, before finally settling upon your shoulder. All of the while, you just look at it, eyes wide and mouth agape. Have you inhaled too much dream mist? This can't be real. You have GOT to be hallucinating right now.

"hello new friends!! "

"...Whuh...?"

---

howard slayte

"What the...?"

Howard stared at the strange metal blob, unblinking. This was it. The metal had become sentient. Had Howard's Stakataka been holding this thing ever since he caught it? Howard's eye flicked to a block as he grabbed it and shook it angrily, waiting for more squishy metal entities to crawl out. Unfortunately, none did.

"You're not melting, right?" Howard shouted at the Stakataka brick. It simply blinked at him. He tapped it. Solid.

What the hell was this thing, then? Where did it come from? Had it been hitching a ride on Howard's Stakataka? Did it come from the Interdream Mist? Didn't Eris have something larger than this? Maybe that's where it came from? Most importantly, he could hear the nut talking to Shred.

Great, was this going to be their mutual hallucination now? Talking metal?

"Hi...?" Howard asked it carefully, as if approaching a pipe bomb. "Are you from the mist? My bricks, or somewhere else? Where'd you come from, melting?"

---

Shred
Mission start +50
post +110
win +200
complete +100
assist +10
UB +25
KO +10
legendary +25
mist +10
Tera +10
KO'd Pokemon +50
total: 600

"im from meltan village but i left so i could go on a wonderful adventure to become the strongest meltan of all time! ╰(▔∀▔)╯"

That answered approximately none of Howard's questions, and only served to throw you further into the depths of confusion. Meltan Village? There's a whole village of weird guys exactly like this one? And they're all named after him? If there's so many of them, then why haven't you seen one of these before? Where even is this Meltan Village, anyway? Is it nearby, hidden away somewhere in the caverns and tunnels of Route 105? Just trying to untangle it all is giving you at headache.

It's times like this that make you wish you had you a Pokedex, so you could just scan this little blob and have all your questions answered. Alas, you could never afford such a thing in your youth, and you sure as hell aren't shilling out for a Rotom Phone now. Then again, you can talk to him, can't you?

"So, Meltan... What are you?"

"im meltan :)"

"No, but like... What ARE you?"

"im meltan ._."

"Fuck's sake... But what IS a Meltan?"

"its me! :D"

"...We can worry about this later." You let out a long sigh, having been thoroughly defeated by this hex nut. "Preferably, when we're in an office or a laboratory, and not a literal hole in the ground."

And thus, you make your exit.

---

howard slayte

MP TOTAL -
13 IC Posts x 10 = 130MP
Assisting Howard at least once = 10MP
Mythical = 25MP
Spawned Paradox Pokemon = 10MP
Chester knocked out = 50MP
Completing an RT Mission = 100MP
Participation = 50MP
Winning = 200MP
TOTAL = 575MP.