"I don't want salami on my sandwich... it's 2.50 PD extra. We can't afford it, Shirley." Howard muttered as Shred dragged him into his cave. Even in his dreams, the archaeologist was poor. He clearly didn't have the vision that Shred did. It explained why Shred's Operation Yoink was going so well, while Howard had been beaten unconscious by a child.

As Howard slumped in front of Shred, his hat was askew. Shred's attempts did little to wake him up, until...

Slap! Howard slapped Shred back as soon as the grunt readied his mighty strike, eyes wide and bloodshot. It was a powerful strike for the archaeologist. It was a proud slap. A slaptastic slap capable of rousing Legendary Pokemon from their eternal slumbers.

"WHERE...!" Howard rasped as he looked around, before his eye landed on Shred. Howard visibly relaxed with relief, before stiffening. "Shred...? I'm sorry! Are you okay? Where's that little girl at?"

Then, he saw Shred's pile of bodies, and groaned. "Seriously? Do I even want to know?"

It was impossible to tell what was going through Shred's head most of the time. What did capturing a dozen bodies do, besides give Shred a dozen eye witnesses to his war crimes? Wait, were they dead? Howard's eye narrowed. No. They were just under enough lock and key to drown someone in chains. He looked at Shred, then gestured at the bodies.

---

Shred Zeppelin
Points:
Mission start +50
post +10

"Ow! That hurt, you fucker..."

Your hands idly move to the impact site of the slap, poking your cheek a few times. Maybe "hurt" was too strong a word? Sure, it stings, but that'll fade after a few minutes. It turns out, it didn't really take all that much to rouse a "legendary" Pokemon from their eternal slumber, which makes sense, because it did about as much damage to you as your phone's alarm.

You take a sip of your Dr Perky as Howard goes through the five stages of waking up, cycling through unconsciousness into sensory overload into blind panic into great dread into fine and awake, all in the course of a few seconds. And then, immediately afterward, he clocks on to the Donphan in the room. Well, you knew this could happen, didn't you? That was the risk you took when you brought him down here, and you knew about it, but you still took it, so you can't really blame anyone but yourself. Still, how do you actually explain to Howard Slayte why you have a makeshift dungeon in this nowhere cave in the middle of an active battlefield?

"It's Operation Yoink."

You look at him for a few seconds, waiting. Maybe you'll get lucky, and he'll just "get it"? After you receive nothing but a blank stare in response, you frown. No dice, huh? Fine. You'll just have to give him the abridged version and hope he doesn't overthink it.

"I'm scamming the League out of a metric shitload of money by capturing a bunch of their goons, demanding payment for their release, and bamboozling them on the ransoms. Any questions?"

---

howard slayte

"I see." Howard's one eye blinked. Could he even 'see' with one eye, or could he only 'se'? "Has your blatant disregard for the Kanto Convention netted you any profits, yet?"

Calling Operation Yoink anything but the stupidest idea Howard had ever heard would be putting it dishonestly, but given that Shred had saved his life from a literal child, he was willing to sit back and watch Shred get audited by the Hoenn Revenue Services. Unless Shred had a bank account in the Sevii Islands, Howard couldn't see this ending in any way other than complete failure.

Maybe if he ran away, he could escape before the HRS bombed them both from orbit. Sure, this island might be 'important' and likely holding something extremely powerful and ancient, but once the HRS learned they were missing money from Shred Zeppelin, it was light's out for Operation Yoink.

The expression on his face gave Shred all he needed to know: Howard was definitely overthinking it.

"So... how exactly are you demanding payment? Carrier Pidove? Smoke signals? There's hardly a good Wi-Fi signal here. Or any signal. Anywhere." Howard checked his phone, before shaking his head. "Pass me a Dr. Perky."

---

Shred Zeppelin
Points:
Mission start +50
post +20

"I'm not disregarding the Kanto Convention, Howard." You attempt to explain yourself, against your better judgement. In this moment, you are a Stakataka, trying to explain the nuance of Ultra Megalopolis architecture to a wild Mankey. It is a fruitless endeavour, and the Mankey doesn't have a banana, either, so neither of you are going to be happy. Still, your ego demands that you try. "Operation Yoink is tailor-made to avoid breaching my personal moral compass."

"Wait, you have a moral compass?" Imaginary Howard sounds off in your brain. In response, you shoot the archaeologist a dirty look, as though trying to warn him against it. Then, you continue.

"AND, the ransom is being handled. See, I've got this guy on it, and he's going to have it all sent in cryptocurrency, then laundered, then transferred into Pokedollars, then laundered again, then transferred into golden coins, then laundered again, yadda yadda, yadda yadda... Long story short, it's all figured out. See, that's the difference between you and me, Howard. You? Sure, you're book smart, but me? I'm money smart. So really, who's more intelligent?"

Idly, you grab a can of Dr Perky and toss it over to him. You don't even charge him for it, either. After all, when all's said and done, what's a buck or two compared to the tens of thousands that'll be stashed under your mattress? Still, while you're willing to softball the financial debt, there's still a more pressing debt that you can be plenty petty about.

"You're welcome, by the way."

---

howard slayte

"I see." Howard frowned, then looked at Shred. "Crypto? Fuck, you don't mean Gimmicoin, do you? Shred, I swear to fucking Arceus, you cannot be using crypto. Didn't you hear that FERNANDO SILPH is trying to pass a law to give the League authority over all unregulated cryptocurrencies?"

Wait, you have a moral compass? Howard thought as Shred continued to explain his process for committing crimes. He was still sure this was in violation of SOME aspect of the Kanto Convention, but he wasn't going to argue with his savior.

Huh. Shred saved him. It was a weird thing to think. "You saved me." It was a weird thing to say. "How did you find me?"

His memories of the event were rather blurry, but he remembered distinctly giving out his identity to Eris Halla, Ex-Rocket. Hopefully she would keep her promise to never tell. Wait, no 'hopefully'. She wouldn't tell. She just wouldn't.

"Thanks." Howard cracked the Dr. Perky and sipped it. His throat tasted like dust, and frankly he wouldn't taken anything to wash that taste away. Now, it had been. Howard looked at Shred, then let out a laugh. He leaned back, and laughed again. "It's just too funny."

---

Shred Zeppelin
Points:
Mission start +50
post +30

"Long story. Don't worry about it."

You pause to take a sip of your Dr Perky. It's a non-answer and you know it, but what are you supposed to tell him? Your interaction with Eris Halla was nothing short of a migraine. You don't want to talk about it. Hell, you don't want to think about it. No, you're not just making excuses. Shut up. Look, it doesn't matter, alright? If he really wants to know, you'll tell him later, preferably a few weeks later, or maybe a month later. Just, not now, okay? There's bigger fish to fry.

"WHAT?!" Chester shouts as he bursts out of the red flash of light, barging forth as though he were flinging open the doors of his Pokeball. He jingles and jangles as he looks at Howard, his expression one of complete horror. Then, he turns and grabs you by your jacket, shaking you back and forth. "No. NO! He's lying! It can't be true, Shred! I have MILLIONS of coins invested in Gimmicoin! If that ne'er-do-well Fernando Silph takes it all, I'll be... It'll all be... IT'S GHOLDENGHOVER!!!"

...Who the fuck is FERNANDO SILPH ? His name tickles something in the back of your mind, but you can't remember why. Is he important? You don't know, but he sounds like a real cunt.

"Calm down! CALM DOWN!" You counter-grab the Gholdengho by his shoulders, shaking him with twice the ferocity and ten times the irritation. "Look, this isn't the end of the world! You know how politics and bureaucracy are. It'll take years before they can regulate jack shit, so we just have to cash out before then. Everything is going to be fine. Right, Howard?"

Well, this has taken a turn for the stupid, hasn't it? For many reasons, taking financial advice from Howard somehow being the least of them. Howard can't hear the voices of your Pokemon. Hell, much like everyone else you've ever met, he can't even hear the voices of his own Pokemon! How the fuck is he supposed to react to this travesty of a conversation?

---

howard slayte

"It'll be Gholdengover, I'm afraid." Howard said solemnly, shaking his head sadly. "He's on the League Council, man. All he has to do is wave his hand and... poof! Gone. Why would you invest milli-"

Howard stopped. He looked at Chester, then at Shred. Two Pokeballs on Howard's belt began to violently shake as Chester bemoaned the crashing of Gimmicoin. Frankly, the Gholdengo was wanted for several crimes anyway, including a booming Slowpoke Tail trade, but Howard couldn't tell fiction from reality anymore. Especially since he and Shred were having the same mutual hallucination. What started this? The tera cave incident? Ultra Plant? Bears? The drugs they had taken together?

"Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me." Howard held his head in his hands and looked up at Shred, then pointed at Chester. "Yours talks too? I thought I was just schizophrenic."

Maybe Eris had hit his head harder than he expected. Right! Eris! He needed to-

Suddenly the two Pokeballs opened to reveal his two Gimmighouls, Billiam and Donald. The two were allegedly shiny, having escaped the Safari Zone alongside Howard in a series of events that were both deranged and surreal. He had assumed it was a dream, until he woke up with several new Pokémon by his side.

"Well well well... Long time no see, Chester." Donald D. Dollars said, waddling up to Shred and Chester. "Miss me?"

"Oh my god..." Howard held his head in his hands.

"We've been lookin' alllllll over for ya. How'd our investment at Sky Pillar Draconid LLC fare? Me and Billiam want our money back. You... do have our money, right Chester? You wouldn't have invested it all without asking your family, eh?"

Billiam beat his hand on his coin menacingly as they slowly approached. Donald and Billiam had lost much to the Maritime Union, and they wanted it back as soon as possible.

---

Shred Zeppelin
Mission start +50
post +40

What the hell is going on? Chester is ranting and raving like the stock market just crashed, and Howard looks like he's peaking on Arceus-only-knows. You take a long, long sip of Dr Perky as you allow the scene in front of you play out for a bit. Hm, nope! Observing the anomaly doesn't make it make sense. What a shame.

"All of my Pokemon talk, bud. You just don't hear the words." You idly comment, watching as the Gholdengho begins pulling out documents and hurriedly riffling through letters and logs. "We've talked about this before. I explained all the intricacies of it, and then you said 'okay' and changed the subject, remember?"

Things are already plenty weird. And then, the Gimmighoul arrive.

"A-Ah! Billiam, Donald!" Chester suddenly straightens up, hiding his paperwork behind his back. "It has been some time, hasn't it? I'd love to stay and chat, but as you can see, I'm quite busy right now, so..."

Billiam? Donald? Slowly but surely, you tilt your head down and look at the two Gimmighoul.

"Gimmigimmigimmigimmi, ghoul, gimmighoul! Gimmighoul ghoul ghoul! Ghoul. Gimmigimmi?"

Are these two supposed to be Billiam and Donald? Which one is Billiam, and which one is Donald? You are so confused right now.

"N-now, now! You know our terms well, chaps!" Chester takes a cautious step back. You can see the sweat dripping down his forehead, which is odd, because he's both dead and made of metal. Nevertheless, little droplets of blue-green trickle down from non-existent sweat glands. If he had been wearing a suit, he would assuredly be tugging at his collar right now. "You said it yourself: Sky Pillar Draconid, LLC, limited liability company! I can't be liable for all of it, can I? But I'll assuredly pay you back my shares! I just need to get in contact with my secretary to arrange the transfer, and..."

---

howard slayte

"Yeah, you explained it and changed the subject. Guess what? The subject is here and I can still hear your Gholdengo's voice." Howard pointed his Dr. Perky towards Shred, clearly close to a mental breakdown. Maybe that bash to the head was more than Howard could deal with, and now he was hallucinating this entire interaction.

"Do you think this has anything to do with that smoking session we had last week?" Howard asked, obviously worried. Man, what a session. Howard could still taste the smoke on his lips if he concentrated.

Meanwhile, Howard's Gimmighouls continued to rip into Chester. It was clearly a heated argument, one that Howard was trying to zone out. It didn't help that it was a loud argument. The League could probably hear it and was sending a strike team to ruin Shred and Howard's lives, or something equally asinine.

"Heheh... Yeah, everyone knows about LLC. Nobody's doubting your Limited Lie-Ability." Donald sneered at Chester, closing in on the business tycoon. "You've left quite the paper trail, Chester. Slowpoke Tails, pachinko machines, online gambling games... You've gotten quite the portfolio off our money, old friend."

Billiam took several steps forward, only to lunge towards Chester. "MY MONEY, CHESTER!!!"

Billiam B. Bucks struck Chester C. Coins with his single coin, and suddenly became enveloped in light. Soon, Donald also erupted into light as he lunged towards the duo. Howard watched on in a mixture of horror and apathy.

Shred, meanwhile, could feel his wallet becoming lighter.

Now, instead of two Gimmighoul and one Gholdengo, there were three Gholdengo. "Muahahahahahahaha! I'm free! MY WEALTH IS BACK! BILLIAM!" Donald laughed maniacally, sparkling with a mixture of newfound wealth and innate Shiny nature. Billiam joined in, and Howard spread out his hands, shrugging towards Shred.

This had spiraled out of control.

---

Shred Zeppelin
Mission start +50
post +50

"Hm." You shrug. You did get your last batch from a different dealer, and they did smell a little bit like rat poison. Then again, you're fine, aren't you? Maybe this is just a Howard thing. Then again then again, do you really want to take that risk? "I'll find a new dealer, just in case."

You look back at the intense negotiations going on, watching with what can best be described as "complete obligation". You're only getting one half of this conversation, and you think that might be one half too many. What the hell do these Gimmighoul even want, anyway?

"AIEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Oh. They want to rob Chester. That makes sense... Wait, if they're robbing Chester, and Chester is your Pokemon, then... Hang on, they're robbing you! Your eyes go wide as hundreds and hundreds of Gimmighoul Coins pour out of your Gholdengo, like watching all the years of tax he evaded catch up to him in real time. That stings doubly so, because by proxy, they're also taxing you, too.

"I'm melting... All my money... Help me, Shred... My billions are being reduced to millions...!"

"Hey, HEY!" You grab Howard by the shoulders, pulling him face-to-face with you, before turning him towards the blatant display of theft going on before your very eyes. "Those are MY coins! Tell your little dickheads to knock it off, before I knock THEM off!"

---

howard slayte

"AAAAAAAAA!" Howard's head flopped around as Shred shook him around, forcing him to witness the worst crime in human history: the rich stealing from the richer. Criminal! Heinous! Something Howard and Shred would never get to do, because between the two of them, they could only afford a pack of gum.

"I can't do anything about it!" Howard protested, waving his hands. "Do you ask where Chester gets his money from? Apparently your Gholdengo stole from mine, and they've been out for revenge for years. Something about Gimmicoin...?"

Howard blinked. "This sounds insane."

It did, but it was happening before Shred's very eyes. Chester slowly deflated in size until he was about equal to Billiam and Donald, who were both now cheering in glee at their mission being completed. It had been a long journey, full of twists and turns, betrayals and misfortune, friends and foes. Not for Howard, though. He had appeared near the end of this great journey.

"Maybe they can start a joint business or something. I don't know." Howard threw up his hands and looked out the window. "All I know is, this is making a lot of noise. I don't want visitors."

The Stakataka Howard caught in Ultra Plant appeared in a flash, and moved to brick up the entrance. The eyes blinked at Shred, before disappearing into the wall. "There. Privacy! Let the fuckwits figure out who owes who money."

---

Shred Zeppelin
Mission start +50
post +60
UB +25

True, you can no longer see nor hear the rambling Gholdengho, and it's all thanks to Stakataka. Did it solve the problem? No, they're still in there, and they're doubtlessly still having the worst conversation known to Gimmikind. But, hey, you can deal with that mess later. Right now, you need to focus on--

CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

"...Howard, how heavy is this waaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLL!"

Before you can even finish the thought, the ground collapses beneath you. Luckily, you don't fall far, only about ten or so feet. You hit the ground with a THUD!, and Howard and the Gholdengho hit the ground soon after you. Or, maybe before you? This was all pretty sudden, and you're kind of disoriented right now. You just need to take a second to refocus, and--

CRASH!

Before you can finish your thought, the Stakataka's structual integrity falters, and it also falls down. The mere impact of the thing feels like an earthquake. It's a good thing it didn't land on anybody, or they'd be totally fucked.

"G... Gadzooks... Do you see that, Billiam, Donald...? The light... It's so bright... So shiny...! I can hear it... It's calling to me..."

Oh.

---

howard slayte

"Oi, oi! What the hell's all this? You ain't dying on us, yet. You've got a lotta debt owed. Billiam, get his soul and put it back in his body!"

"Yeah, yeah. Just throw some coins on him. He'll perk up like a Dugtrio in a fresh pile of shit."

Within the Stakataka, the unholy trinity had been crushed, sandwiched, and utterly atomized. Fortunately, the adrenaline of going from broke to millionaire was enough to ensure Donald and Billiam kept truckin' along. Conversely, the shock of going from 0.01% to 0.1% was enough to make Chester's spirit float up before you could say 'Gadzooks'.

"Whaddya lookin' at, blockhead? Scram!" Donald spat at the Stakataka, who disappeared into Howard's Pokeball, leaving Chester's corpse buried under a pile of coins.

Billiam spat on the grave. The two Gholdengos returned to their balls as well, their mission complete.

"Let's forget that ever happened. Perchance." Howard got up, and began looking around the cave, then up at the ceiling. "You've gotta be shitting me. One normal day. One." A spilled Dr. Perky rolled near Shred's foot, forgotten.

---

Shred Zeppelin
Mission start +50
post +70
UB +25