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light years away from you [past]

i used to dream in the dark of palisades park

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played by

lou

harper beck
they/he
twenty-nine
august 11
stow-on-side, galar
pansexual
forger
rocket admin
in any universe
you are my dark star
6'0 (it's 5'8) height
6'0 (it's 5'8) height
long black tulips, born in your blue tints. lemongrass eyelids, smoke in your slick lips.
awards
1,079 posts
fern delaney DOLLARS
part of
TAG WITH @fern
fern delaney
light years away from you [past]
POSTED ON Jun 19, 2024 0:29:23 GMT
fern delaney Avatar
[nospaces]
[attr="class","pilots fernie"]
[attr="class","top"]
[attr="class","topimage"]


[attr="class","subtextbox"]
[attr="class","lyrics"]
oh, the glory of it all was lost on me[break]’til i saw how hard it’d be to reach you

[attr="class","border"]




[attr="class","postbox"]

[attr="class","imgavatar"]


The last thing they remember are crimson eyes and being swallowed by the impenetrable dark.[break][break]

A cruel smile and the sink of cold dread as it crept through their veins.[break][break]

The agony and the ache of being turned away. An endless string of arguments and the yawn of distance that cracked them in two just a little bit more the larger it grew. And endless stretch of time finding themself unable to stop what was only going to be inevitable.[break][break]

When they jolt awake, their eyes snap open in panic. Their chest heaves, breath loud and audible as a cold sweat prickles up their spine, bleeding through the shirt they’d worn to bed. One of Jayden’s old shirts, and suddenly that familiar, warm scent is all around them. Smothering them filling up their lungs. In the next inhale, they realize the sound is wet with the clog of a sob working its way free.[break][break]

All they can feel is the ache as their hands claw at the quilts piled on top of them. Tearing at them and trying to pull themself free from the nightmare that they feel as if they are still entrenched in.[break][break]

As if at any moment, those burning eyes will find them and Jayden will turn cold again, and they will be alone in a world that does not want them. Has no place for them. That leaves them alone and aching and so, so unbearably angry at what they have been robbed off.[break][break]

They are so paralyzed by the realness of the dream that Fern cannot move, cannot manage to even turn their head toward the weighted presence of the sleeping body next to them. Just to make sure he is really, actually there.


[attr="class","oocnotes"]
[break]
january, after father winter 2’s visit

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[break][break]
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played by

milky

jayden
he/him
28
december 25
ballonlea, galar
bisexual
wyndon ceo
admin
over the midnight moon
over the moon for you
5'10" height
5'10" height
we'll never get free, lamb to the slaughter
awards
4,490 posts
jayden cross DOLLARS
part of
ATTACK
+8
DEFENSE
+4
SPEED
+7
TAG WITH @jayden
jayden cross
light years away from you [past]
POSTED ON Jul 8, 2024 17:05:27 GMT
jayden cross Avatar
[nospaces]
[attr="class","jayp"]
[attr="class","top"]
[attr="class","topimage"]


[attr="class","subtextbox"]
[attr="class","lyrics"]
we're now beginning now the end [break]
these emotions rarely cease [break]
i'm crying wolf again

[attr="class","border"]




[attr="class","postbox"]

[attr="class","imgavatar"]
he was a failure.

[break][break] A FAILURE A FAILURE A FAILURE

[break][break] father told him to try. he hadn't tried, not hard enough. it didn't matter how much he'd wanted to believe in his father's pride, didn't matter how much he'd fought, didn't matter what he did but it would never be enough. it would never be enough because he was never enough and because he had chosen wrong.

[break][break] fern had known.

[break][break] fern had told him not to.

[break][break] fern knew him better than anyone had ever known him.

[break][break] and he'd given it all up —

[break][break] and for what?

[break][break] a love that was never his to begin with?

[break][break]
it's all your fault. your fault. your fault. your fault. your fault. your fault. your fault. your fault. your fault. your fault. your fault. your fault. your fault. your fault. your fault. your fault. your fault. your fault. your fault. [break][break]

YOUR FAULT


[break] he gasped.

[break][break] life flooded through him.

[break][break] jerking into the present, jayden wrestled from sweaty sheets and into the darkness of the present. blue eyes suddenly shifted as he gasped into wakefulness, only one arm moving, only expecting one arm to move —

[break][break] "chu-e —" the voice is choked from his throat, wrung around like the thorny chains that have not yet been secured. his hands fly up - both of them - to grasp upon 's face, expression suddenly wide and full of confusion, shock, and then painful understanding. "fern!"

[break][break] his body fills with a tide of instant relief.

[break][break] a soothing balm across the wounds that cover his whole body.

[break][break] jayden's expressoin isn't cold. isn't icy. it is warm, almost unbelievably so.

[break][break] in one sweep of movement, not caring at all for what reality he had been thrusted into (it didn't matter, not really, because any reality in which fern existed was bound to be better than the one he had just woken from), he leaned forward to the other to claim theirs in fervant kiss.

[break][break] "you're alive," he breathed. "dusha moya.""

[break][break] my soul.

[break]


[attr="class","oocnotes"]


set directly after fw2


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[attr="class","mcredits"][attr="class","fas fa-cookie-bite"]





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played by

lou

harper beck
they/he
twenty-nine
august 11
stow-on-side, galar
pansexual
forger
rocket admin
in any universe
you are my dark star
6'0 (it's 5'8) height
6'0 (it's 5'8) height
long black tulips, born in your blue tints. lemongrass eyelids, smoke in your slick lips.
awards
1,079 posts
fern delaney DOLLARS
part of
TAG WITH @fern
fern delaney
light years away from you [past]
POSTED ON Aug 28, 2024 2:34:00 GMT
fern delaney Avatar
[nospaces]
[attr="class","pilots fernie"]
[attr="class","top"]
[attr="class","topimage"]


[attr="class","subtextbox"]
[attr="class","lyrics"]
oh, the glory of it all was lost on me[break]’til i saw how hard it’d be to reach you

[attr="class","border"]




[attr="class","postbox"]

[attr="class","imgavatar"]


He awakens almost in perfect tandem with Fern’s startled gasp into cognizance.[break][break]
He awakens with someone else’s name on his lips.[break][break]
Chu-e. The name provokes a full body flinch, their limbs cringing from the sound. Consonants and vowels and syllables to fall together in a way that intonates a driving fear they’d worked to banish from their mind and heart.[break][break]
looks for Chu-e upon his return to the waking world, and something plummets in their chest. A gut-wrench that feels like they’ve been sucker punched at high speed. They are awake and disoriented, jerked from one reality back to another. The dark that had engulfed them was not the same dark of their room now.[break][break]
There is lowlight. A thin sliver from the nightlight in the hall to keep them from tripping on the runner rug. The moon outside the window lights the gloom. Their vision is bleary though, and short gasps drag them back to themself.[break][break]
Chu-e.[break][break]
Their name is second from his mouth and they watch him with wide eyes in the dark, as hands find his face. The soft jostle loosens tears that cling to their lashes and they vaguely realize that their vision is blurry because of those unshed tears. Startled, scared, hurt.[break][break]
Fern is limp in his grasp, too confused and bewildered to cling to him in turn. The wounds are too fresh. All of their arguments, the way he turned away. It’s all so vivid at the front of their mind, because to them, no time passed afterward. They had simply ceased to be.[break][break]
They feel his lips press against theirs, but they are open eyed. More tears falling, though they don’t break into dramatic sobs. The crying just happens, as though it’s out of their control. Their eyes simply continue to leak saline.[break][break]
Somewhere under the sting of rejection, there is relief. “Of course I’m alive,” they manage to mutter, mind still jarred and fuzzy.[break][break]
But the fleeting hope that it was only a bad dream in their head dissipates like morning dew under the sun when Jayden reacts so strongly. When he first murmured Chu-e’s name instead of theirs.
They want to ask why he asked for Chu-e, but the words don’t make it up their throat. Only a strangled sound as they curl into his arms, head tucked down as their shoulders begin to
shake.


[attr="class","oocnotes"]
[break]
january, after father winter 2’s visit

[attr="class","pbottom"]
[attr="class","pkmnteam"]



[attr="class","mcredits"][attr="class","fas fa-cookie-bite"]





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[break][break]
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played by

milky

jayden
he/him
28
december 25
ballonlea, galar
bisexual
wyndon ceo
admin
over the midnight moon
over the moon for you
5'10" height
5'10" height
we'll never get free, lamb to the slaughter
awards
4,490 posts
jayden cross DOLLARS
part of
ATTACK
+8
DEFENSE
+4
SPEED
+7
TAG WITH @jayden
jayden cross
light years away from you [past]
POSTED ON Sept 16, 2024 2:43:14 GMT
jayden cross Avatar
[nospaces]
[attr="class","jayp"]
[attr="class","top"]
[attr="class","topimage"]


[attr="class","subtextbox"]
[attr="class","lyrics"]
we're now beginning now the end [break]
these emotions rarely cease [break]
i'm crying wolf again

[attr="class","border"]




[attr="class","postbox"]

[attr="class","imgavatar"]
it tastes salty.

[break][break] he can taste the tears as he presses their lips against his, hand on their face, feeling the warmth of their face beneath his fingertips. it occurs to him - somewhere, somehow - that he should stop. that he needs to stop. they are crying, they are hurting, they are burdened by something that no emotion can name — but he cannot.

[break][break] tears leak their way down his cheeks too, salted freshwater tears, before his face pulls away and presses them tightly against his, pulling them into a bone-crushing hug.

[break][break] "i thought - " he gasps, the words feeling like glass as they are forced through his throat. "i thought you were dead."

[break][break] "you were gone."

[break][break] "i looked for you. forever. everyone said that you had abandoned me, that you had left, but i know you never would."

[break][break] "they told me to give up. everyone did. cillian, theo, knox, hitoshi, elisabeth."

[break][break] "but i couldn't believe it - i - "

[break][break] i love you.

[break][break] "i'm sorry."

[break][break]


[attr="class","oocnotes"]


set directly after fw2


[attr="class","pbottom"]


[attr="class","mcredits"][attr="class","fas fa-cookie-bite"]





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close tab

played by

lou

harper beck
they/he
twenty-nine
august 11
stow-on-side, galar
pansexual
forger
rocket admin
in any universe
you are my dark star
6'0 (it's 5'8) height
6'0 (it's 5'8) height
long black tulips, born in your blue tints. lemongrass eyelids, smoke in your slick lips.
awards
1,079 posts
fern delaney DOLLARS
part of
TAG WITH @fern
fern delaney
light years away from you [past]
POSTED ON Oct 2, 2024 1:11:21 GMT
fern delaney Avatar
[nospaces]
[attr="class","pilots fernie"]
[attr="class","top"]
[attr="class","topimage"]


[attr="class","subtextbox"]
[attr="class","lyrics"]
oh, the glory of it all was lost on me[break]’til i saw how hard it’d be to reach you

[attr="class","border"]




[attr="class","postbox"]

[attr="class","imgavatar"]


The tremor that rattles through them does not subside. They know it was all false, no more than an imagining. But it had felt so real, that rejection. They want to curve into him and fill themself with him until they forget how much of a raw, bleeding wound they had become in the winding months of that dream.[break][break]
But the tears won’t slow and they tuck themselves closer to him. Their eyes shut to the travel of his hands over their face before they are curved into him and his arms are a tight vice that grounds them in the safety of their bed, under the covers. If he squeezes tightly enough, maybe they will melt into him entirely and there will be no need to part from him again.[break][break]
And yet that name still echoes in their mind. Acidic, eating away that their confidence.[break][break]
“He did something,” they say in response. He being Jayden’s father. The words are hollow, but Fern croaks them out. Something sharp curls up the corner of their mouth because they had known it. They had been right all along.[break][break]
The victory of that knowledge is Pyrrhic, though. Empty and sour to taste. “I knew it was all wrong, and he removed me.”[break][break]
They don’t fully process what Jayden is saying, because they were never dead. They were propelled out of the false reality, and then they were awake. They cannot grasp that the dream had gone on for their partner.[break][break]
I looked for you. Forever.[break][break]
I’m sorry.[break][break]
“You asked for Chu-e, just now.” Their voice is diminished and small. Fern wonders if that is what he’s sorry for, or just that he did give up, in the end. And then turned to that old comfort instead.


[attr="class","oocnotes"]
[break]
january, after father winter 2’s visit

[attr="class","pbottom"]
[attr="class","pkmnteam"]



[attr="class","mcredits"][attr="class","fas fa-cookie-bite"]





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[break][break]
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played by

milky

jayden
he/him
28
december 25
ballonlea, galar
bisexual
wyndon ceo
admin
over the midnight moon
over the moon for you
5'10" height
5'10" height
we'll never get free, lamb to the slaughter
awards
4,490 posts
jayden cross DOLLARS
part of
ATTACK
+8
DEFENSE
+4
SPEED
+7
TAG WITH @jayden
jayden cross
light years away from you [past]
POSTED ON Oct 25, 2024 6:53:12 GMT
jayden cross Avatar
[nospaces]
[attr="class","jayp"]
[attr="class","top"]
[attr="class","topimage"]


[attr="class","subtextbox"]
[attr="class","lyrics"]
we're now beginning now the end [break]
these emotions rarely cease [break]
i'm crying wolf again

[attr="class","border"]




[attr="class","postbox"]

[attr="class","imgavatar"]
his fingers tremble as he pulls them to him, like
moths drawn to firelight. his own body had been cold — so cold, too cold, for nearly a millenia, without the other to embrace. there had been others. but of course, it had not been the same, not nearly enough, nothing like this.

[break][break] it feels nearly like a flower turning towards the sun for the first time.

[break][break] "i'm sorry," he chokes, hands tightened around them as he tries to hide himself in their shoulder. "my father - he. he came back. he's supposed to be dead. he told me you were dead."

[break][break] he cannot explain the way the past scars his heart, but even more, he cannot explain the regret, the shame, the resentment he feels that he let dmitri take control like that again.

[break][break] "my duck, i - "

[break][break] before he can say more, however, he feels something shift.

[break][break] the world - it grows cold again.

[break][break] chu-e.

[break][break] "i - " his eyes widen briefly, and it takes a lifetime - it feels - to untangle the feelings that score his broken heart. "i did."

[break][break] "they were the only one who stayed. everyone else left."

[break][break] you left.

[break]


[attr="class","oocnotes"]


set directly after fw2


[attr="class","pbottom"]


[attr="class","mcredits"][attr="class","fas fa-cookie-bite"]





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close tab

played by

lou

harper beck
they/he
twenty-nine
august 11
stow-on-side, galar
pansexual
forger
rocket admin
in any universe
you are my dark star
6'0 (it's 5'8) height
6'0 (it's 5'8) height
long black tulips, born in your blue tints. lemongrass eyelids, smoke in your slick lips.
awards
1,079 posts
fern delaney DOLLARS
part of
TAG WITH @fern
fern delaney
light years away from you [past]
POSTED ON Nov 17, 2024 22:32:56 GMT
fern delaney Avatar
[nospaces]
[attr="class","pilots fernie"]
[attr="class","top"]
[attr="class","topimage"]


[attr="class","subtextbox"]
[attr="class","lyrics"]
oh, the glory of it all was lost on me[break]’til i saw how hard it’d be to reach you

[attr="class","border"]




[attr="class","postbox"]

[attr="class","imgavatar"]


There is nothing to do but let him gather them up. Selfishly, despite the pain, tinged with betrayal, Fern craves this contact. As if they will merge and become a piece of him.[break][break]
Never apart.[break][break]
But Fern cannot dispel the residual feeling, either. The ache and sting that lingers from all of the fighting is still recent in their mind. Even as the words and actions fade like the dream they were, that hurt burns bright in the center of their chest–refusing to be stamped out.[break][break]
Maybe because they know now that it was a shared dream. What Jayden chose was not a figment of their own insecure subconscious. That part, at least, was real.[break][break]
Their shoulders continue to shake and it grows difficult to breathe where their face is pressed against his chest from how their sobs warm and dampen the air. Their chin tilts up to look at him, eyes bleary and lip wobbling incessantly. “He wasn’t real. I knew he wasn’t. And you wouldn’t believe me.”[break][break]
Wouldn’t trust them.[break][break]
Fern bites hard on their bottom lip, though. There is something sharper, far more wounding where Chu-e is involved. “I didn’t have a choice!” Their outburst feels pitiful–plaintive and wailing as it is.[break][break]
And you still chose him instead, in the end.



[attr="class","oocnotes"]
[break]
january, after father winter 2’s visit

[attr="class","pbottom"]
[attr="class","pkmnteam"]



[attr="class","mcredits"][attr="class","fas fa-cookie-bite"]





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[break][break]
close tab

played by

milky

jayden
he/him
28
december 25
ballonlea, galar
bisexual
wyndon ceo
admin
over the midnight moon
over the moon for you
5'10" height
5'10" height
we'll never get free, lamb to the slaughter
awards
4,490 posts
jayden cross DOLLARS
part of
ATTACK
+8
DEFENSE
+4
SPEED
+7
TAG WITH @jayden
jayden cross
light years away from you [past]
POSTED ON Nov 18, 2024 17:52:47 GMT
jayden cross Avatar
[nospaces]
[attr="class","jayp"]
[attr="class","top"]
[attr="class","topimage"]


[attr="class","subtextbox"]
[attr="class","lyrics"]
we're now beginning now the end [break]
these emotions rarely cease [break]
i'm crying wolf again

[attr="class","border"]




[attr="class","postbox"]

[attr="class","imgavatar"]
it is impossible to put into words. the untethered way that he feels in 's presence — as if they can see none of him and all of him at once, stripped bare yet somehow more whole, as though the space between them is both infinite and intimate.

[break][break] "he wasn’t real. i knew he wasn’t. and you wouldn’t believe me."

[break][break] "i - "

[break][break] and they were right. he knew they were right, but it was only a truth that he could admit when it was already too late.

[break][break] "i - i didn't know what to think," he said, body trembling with the effort of his words. he clings to them, tighter still. "i wanted to believe you, i did. but i couldn't. you have to understand. my father, he's —"

[break][break] impossible. terrifying. all-consuming.

[break][break] a life-time worth of suffering visible in rivulets of endless red.

[break][break] his eyes widen at their ourburst, surprised trickling in through the cracks in the mirror.

[break][break] "i - you didn't?" his breath hitches. "i thought. i thought you did. i thought you left because you couldn't take it anymore. because you couldn't take me anymore."

[break][break] because it was the thing he had always feared, deep down. the truth he had spent his whole life running from.

[break][break] that everyone - no matter how much they claimed to care - would always leave him in the end.

[break]


[attr="class","oocnotes"]


set directly after fw2


[attr="class","pbottom"]


[attr="class","mcredits"][attr="class","fas fa-cookie-bite"]





[newclass=".jayp"]--bg: #222; --accent: #81697A; --url:url(https://i.pinimg.com/564x/aa/0a/da/aa0ada3b5badd5db7fbe1ea164401a6d.jpg);[/newclass]
[newclass=".jayp"]width: 500px; margin: 0px auto; background-color: #222; background-image: url(https://image.ibb.co/cpf8Wc/flower_patt.png); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-position: bottom right; position: relative;[/newclass]
[newclass=".jayp b"]font: 500 14px/12px 'Poppins'; color: var(--accent);[/newclass]
[newclass=".jayp a"]font: bold 15px/12px 'Poppins'!important; color: var(--accent);[/newclass]
[newclass=".jayp .postbox a"]font: bold 13px/12px 'Poppins'!important; color: var(--accent);[/newclass]
[newclass=".jayp .topimage"]height: 200px; background: var(--url); background-position:center; background-size: cover; filter: grayscale(1); mix-blend-mode:multiply; opacity:0.85;[/newclass]
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N:FB
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Celestial Guardians, AU Sailor Moon RP
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Code and Crown: An advanced literate warriors cats RP, set in medieval times
Swords Clashing