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Staying silent had been the right option, in hindsight. Because right then, talking about it, did nothing but make him more upset and stubborn. The truth was that Lam probably couldn't alleviate his worries because it was an inability of himself to let go. To accept danger when he himself didn't care about anyone else. Lam had this shiny idea of who he was but it wasn't real. Rook would have done anything for pokemon, but he was inherently selfish. It was his nature. He didn't care about saving people that weren't important to him.
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Rook rolled his eyes, "Yes, yes. I'm sure." He forced himself to stay silent, before he said anything too biting. Before he let his selfishness diminish Lam in its effort to cling to this illusion of safety.
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"I do feel safe, Lam. Right now, always. I don't need you galivanting off into the horizon like some kind of hero or whatever." It didn't sit well with him that Lam thought it was necessary to do that, for him. Like he was to weak and fearful to fight for Lam or himself. Maybe a part of him resented that, in himself, for not doing more. For not following Lam into those fights.
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He grabbed the pillow as it was swung back, taking advantage of the fact that Lam was down an arm. He pulled it and chucked it aside. The response bit at a soft spot. "So silence is only okay when you do it?" That time he snapped. "Lam, you are the king of shutting down under pressure. So, forgive me for trying to process things in silence. I'm sorry it made you feel guilty."
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Rook pressed his face into his hands, trying not to exhale on a broken breath. He hated this. He hated it. He was an awful boyfriend. It wasn't Lam's fault, it was his. And now it was his fault for making Lam upset on top of it all after just having his arm broken.

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"Once again, not my point, Lam." He sighed, exasperated. Maybe he was being too tough on him, because he didn't have a fix for this. There was no way to reassure him that Lam wouldn't be in danger unless he sacrificed part of himself that Rook loved equally. This was a selfish fear, close to the chest. It hadn't festered into resentment, but he could've easily closed up and tried to ignore it until it became resentment.
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He wanted to roll back onto the bed, stare up at the ceiling until he was given the path way he needed to move on from this. Or maybe he could slip into a coma so that he didn't have to face it. Lam, of course, was oblivious as always. "Remember only a couple months ago, when I kept getting arrested? You made it clear to me that something had to change. I'm not asking you to give anything up, Lam. Now what if I kept doing it, going out and stealing and getting caught. What if I got hurt or killed? You'd be upset too, obviously." It wasn't quite the same thing. He didn't have to steal, had he?
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Rook scoffed at that, "You don't have to. I've been surviving for longer than we've been together, Lam. That hasn't changed." He wasn't a fighter, but he was a survivor. There was a difference. He didn't need Lam going to war to keep things from happening. "Also I don't care about the house or anyone, if you go out and get yourself hurt."
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Lam didn't see it that way. He just had to protect Rook, it was sometimes annoying. As if his loss was more important. As if he could survive regardless, but Lam couldn't.
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Then Lam had to go and be stupid. Rook turned around with as fierce as scowl as he'd ever managed. "Lam," He snatched up the blankets, forcing him from the safety of them. Then tossed a pillow at his head, "Shut up."

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For an awkward second, he sat there, wondering if he should have done differently. Rook felt like a long-shot from a relationship master. He had never really had anything long-term before Lam came into his life. He'd never been reliable or consistent enough. His emotions went all over the place and, ultimately, he felt like he'd only disappoint them.
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That fear hadn't vanished with Lam, of course. Far from it. That fear had only intensified the more he realized how important Lam was to him. The possibility of disappointing him in some way only seemed to grow more unrelenting. Though, he'd also grown due to this relationship. Normally, he might have blown up, grown more emotional. Maybe it wasn't a good time to try to be controlled with his emotions, but he was trying.
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Lam was quiet and it made him want to run away from the sudden, mounting pressure.
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"That's not the point, Lam." He sighed, half whine and half exasperation. It wasn't the fact that Lam tried hard or that he was worried and scared too. It was the fact he was in a position of danger that could come at any point of contention. He didn't know how to deal with that.
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"I don't either, no one told me that you were gonna go facing ROCKET, Lam. No one warned me that they were actually dangerous, deadly even. I've worked with them but it was... harmless, small petty theft. It wasn't murder. And you're fighting those people? How am I supposed to deal with that? Cause they're sure as shit not gonna come up to my door with an 'I'm sorry' so why is that supposed to be enough for me right now?"

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This was not how he wanted this to go. At the very least, he'd hoped that they could actually talk. It was clear that his father wasn't prepared to forgive whatever slight he'd come to believe his son had made. He was even less willing to accept that the fault was mostly his, not his son's. Rook accepted that, at least. He'd gone a long while believing he was the problem, but it was clear to him that wasn't the case.
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Unexpectedly, he almost felt a little relieved after the fact. It wasn't about him. It was about his father, his anger and resentfulness. Rook was just the only one in the path for him to direct that resentment. Rook didn't try to justify that with excuses either, as he usually would've. He'd done enough justification for other people's sins.
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As they slipped outside, he felt the gloom dissipate, even if only a little. In a way, he could understand how his father had grown so rotten. That place practically breathed grudging energy. It festered inside and grew out into something ugly. He looked over to Lam and grabbed his hand. "There's this really nice coffee shop not far away. Or there's a good pasta place. Or the sandwich joint. I'm kinda hungry."
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His breath rattled a little as he exhaled, but he swallowed up the pain of it.

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"Yup, much better." He groaned, none too convincing. Even to himself. It wouldn't be the first time he got a stomach bug, but he hated them so he'd much rather pretend that he was fine. It was just a bit of an upset stomach, that was all.
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"Still am," He huffed in response, wrinkling his nose at the smell that wafted back. He could go without this, especially in front of Lam. He'd not been sick like this in front of the other before, it felt like a huge step in a boundary that neither of them had discussed before. "You don't have to—" His voice muffled as the wash cloth wiped the grossness from his mouth. Another wrinkle formed in the bridge of his nose, a tangy flavor on his tongue that he desperately wanted to get rid of.
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There was a slight comfort as Lam rest a hand to his forehead, the coolness felt nice. "Yeah? Hot, am I?"
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As Lam asked, he nodded and began to stand. His legs wobbled. "Ugh this is annoying. I don't have time for this."

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The longer he laid there, the less sense of it he could make. Maybe that made him weak and incapable, unwilling to stand on even ground for fear of losing this beautiful life he'd acquired. Yet, it didn't make sense to do nothing. It felt cruel and, even more so, he hated it. He hated laying there without being able to seek the other man out. He was still upset and he likely would remain that way, but it occurred to him that it wasn't actually at Lam.
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Maybe it was more at himself, at his own cowardice. The idea of facing the things that Lam had terrified him. How could he expect Lam to be safer when he had come to be entirely unable to push his own boundaries and find his own way. He was purposeless in a different kind of way and it wasn't fair to depend on Lam's existence to give him meaning.
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Still, it took him some to finally crawl out of the little nest he'd made. It was another cowardly act, this hesitation. The upset hadn't faded, but it definitely evolved. With a heavy sigh, he brushed his hands through his hair and opened the door. He didn't lie down beside him, but sat on the edge of the bed. "You scared me." He admitted, "It's not fair, but you scared me so I was mad." It sounded childish out loud.
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"I don't know what to do about that."

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It was hard to leave Lam. It was hard to do a lot of things as he plopped down onto the couch like a sack of sad potatoes. What he wanted to do was crawl back to that room and offer to help Lam with his clothes. It had to be uncomfortable with his cast on. Then again, that cast shouldn't have even been there. Lam had assured him that everything was gonna go A-Okay, with a thumbs up and everything. Rook had every right to be upset.
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Then again...
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He couldn't help but still feel like he was being ungrateful. Selfish. Stupid. Lam was okay, a little banged up but alive. Rook should have been grateful, clinging to him and kissing his cheek. He should have been happy that Lam was in one piece (even if a little broken in some parts). Not sulking under the chocheted fibers of the old couch blanket.
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What if Lam was hungry? He'd never stopped to ask if he'd eaten. What if he needed more pain pills? What if he was just being a poor-excuse for a boyfriend? Totally unsupportive and cold. He groaned, pulling the blanket over his head.
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This felt so unproductive. He moved too quickly to ever sulk and ruminate on feelings of upset. Emotions passed through him quickly, brightly, emphatically. This felt depressed and heavy. He didn't like it.
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He peeked out from under the blanket then, squinting. Time had passed by and he refused to doze. He never made much of a napper. There was a sound coming from the bedroom. Lam wasn't resting at all, was he?
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"You're supposed to be resting," He muttered to himself, wondering if he should get up and make a fuss of it. He was still mad at him though.

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He'd grown to know Lam on a level he'd never imagined with anyone. His life, until they met, was a sad and empty one. It had often felt pointless in a way he hoped never to feel again. Lam completed parts of him that he hadn't realized were empty, missing. It was hard to be mad at him, especially when he could see that guilt in the other man. He felt ugly and stupid for provoking those kinds of emotions in him.
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It wasn't too late. Rook knew he could choose to back off and relent to the pressure building up in the space between them. His hands rung the hem of his sweaty, twisting the fibers until they threatened to fray further. He didn't relent. It wasn't like him to be the stubborn one, but it felt necessary. Lam had gotten mad at him, once upon a time, for not changing for the both of them. This wasn't quite like that, but it still felt like it mattered. He'd stopped stealing after that. Sure, he didn't really know what to do with himself anymore except for some odd jobs but that was the price.
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Rook would never ask him to stop chasing his dreams, but he'd never imagined before that those dreams would lead him to such a dangerous place. He was a gym leader, not an officer or a fighter. It wasn't supposed to be like that, but he felt like saying as much was an impossible request. He couldn't object to something that he'd stood by for so long.
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He sighed at that "I tried". It wasn't about that though. Rook was sure he'd tried not to get hurt, but clearly that only went so far. He wasn't mad, he was upset. There was a different. The only way he'd get un-upset was to stop doing what he was doing and think, let the space draw in between them until all their problems miraculously disappeared.
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"I don't know, Lam." He replied, exasperated. He didn't want to talk about this either. It didn't help his upset and he was trying his best not to snap or fall apart into an emotional hellstorm.
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"No, don't be ridiculous. You have a broken arm." He retreated into the room to grab his pillow. There was already a kitted blanket on the back of the couch that he could use. "I'll stay on the couch. Go rest."

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This wasn't going how he'd expected it to go. What he'd been planning was to march into the hospital, berate Lam's actions, and then get back home in time for dinner. Maybe stick it out for awhile until Lam felt really bad about it. Yet, his mood soured the more he thought about it. The exhaustion set in and he didn't know what to do anymore. He didn't know how to handle these emotions and worries because he'd never had reason to feel them before.
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No one mattered to him quite like Lam did. So, how was he supposed to reconcile that realization with the reality that he could only feel much pain? Maybe the difficulty lied in his past, in a reality where he never knew Lam and never realized just how full his heart could feel. As ridiculous as the sentiment sounded. The loss made him think about how it used to be.
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He opened his eyes to find them safely transported home again. The soft warmth of home should have settled over him like a veil. His temper should have eased a little and he should have looked to Lam and said: Dont you do that again. Leave it there, even if Lam ended up doing it yet again.
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"I don't wanna yell at you, Lam." He said, stiffly. His arms still crossed off, his eyes still seeking out little details of safety away from contact. "I told you everything earlier. You said it'd be fine." There wasn't a sense of betrayal, despite everything. Lam couldn't predict something would happen, of course. This had the side-effect of making Rook feel irrational, but it didn't subside his feelings on the matter.
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Rook paused for a second, thinking it'd just be easier to talk. Rook was a feelings sort of guy, even when he didn't recognize what it was that he was feeling. It was in his nature to be emotional, to say what he was feeling. "I don't really feel like talking about it anymore."

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Upset translated into frustration, a low-seated sort of feeling. It didn't fester, but he felt no relief. It was just a constant pressure and he nearly would have given up for the hope that it might go away. That didn't feel right either, even if it would have been the normal way he processed things. It wasn't like Lam had done anything unusual or overstepped a boundary. Once again, he felt that guilt simmer up because it wasn't natural to be mad at him. It would have been easier just to shrug, force a smile, and give him a hug.
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He didn't though and Lam made not attempt to challenge the space he was making with his body language. It was appreciated, but it didn't change things. His eyes focused on some far-away spot, unimportant but unchallenging. Looking away didn't require he rethink himself. It didn't require mercy or condemnation. It was a safe, equal medium to focus his frustration on.
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In truth, he wasn't sure who he was frustrated at. If it was Lam or himself. This was probably dumb. Maybe he was being childish, but he felt tired right then.
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"No I just wanna go home," He huffed, not wanting the chance to settle and talk. Walking would give time for the knot to come unbound and for the tension to dissipate into the atmosphere. He looked to Lumi with an added, "Please?" It wasn't the pokemon's fault, even if he didn't entertain Noodle's attempt to coax comfort out of him. It wouldn't be that easy.
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He just wanted to go home. He wanted to lay down and marinate in his thoughts until he blamed himself nearly as much as Lam frustrated him with his impulsiveness.

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"Yeah well who brings granola bars as an option for hungry kids?" A health-conscious person, that's who. Admittedly, Lam would have been the more conscientious caregiver in that regard, as Rook really didn't know much about limitation anymore. He didn't want to be the parent/mentor to limit kids on anything, as he had been when he was young. It probably wasn't a healthy response though.
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Granted though, it did give him ideas. None of which were good ideas. He had never planned around the idea of kids. Especially considering how his own parents had handled him. What if he was just as bad as his own father had been? Though he'd also not really talked to Lam about the idea either.
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Right then, he couldn't help himself. He had to ask, even if it was just a tiny step. A little question. Totally innocent and nothing intended. He half expected Lam to shrug it off, laugh it off even. The other had never divulged into his thoughts on the topic and Rook had never asked. It made sense, they'd never been in the position to even think about it until then. Now, they were settling and comfortable.
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He was silent then, waiting for Lam to break the silence. The awkwardness felt stifling. "It uhh.." He scrambled, tripping over his tongue to back-track on the question. It's a dumb idea, I'm sorry HAHAHA. PSYCHE. He didn't get a word out though before falling into silence. "Really? You think so?" It was only half a question though, he was too deep in thought to expect a response. "I think I'd like that too, kids... I mean."

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He was not waiting at home.
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No way!
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Even if Lam might have preferred that so he could have ample time before he was in trouble. Rook was not waiting around at home like some doting housewife. It wasn't generally in his nature to be temperamental or combative. Quite the opposite. Rook rolled over with just about any confrontation. It was a lesson learned during his childhood, unfortunately. Though he'd gotten better over time, it probably wasn't the best timing for him to go and try to stand up for his feelings, but it was better now than never.
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Rook was upset.
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Maybe not rightfully so. Maybe even a little irrationally. It didn't need to make sense to him, except this was the second time that he was pulled into a panic because Lam had taken a dive into dangerous territory. It wasn't like he regretted encouraging Lam to go for his dreams, he just hadn't anticipated it would involve this many hospital and panic room visits. It was a selfish fear, of course. Lam was free to do as he wished, but Rook couldn't help but realize he'd opened himself up to a world of pain.
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At some point, he'd signed up to get hurt (one way or another), by getting close to someone. No, close wasn't even the word for it. He loved Lam. A part of soul felt tethered to this life they'd made. Now, he was grappling with the realization that there was real, terrifying weight to that life. Or, more so, the loss of that life.
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Maybe he just needed to sit and think, but he didn't give him the chance to work it out in his head before heading over to the hospital. On the way, he'd nearly calmed down too until he saw Lam standing there. His arm in that sling and that sheepish look on his face like he knew exactly what was coming. Rook didn't even know what was coming because he'd never actually processed this kind of emotion before.
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So, Rook stood there with his expression twisted on a frown and his arms crossing the rest of his body off. "No, you thought I'd wait at home. I didn't want to." He should have just been happy to see him. What an inconsequential idiot. He sparred with the feeling of guilt that welled up, but didn't drop his temper. Not yet. "Are we done here?"

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