REWARDS

COURIER CARNAGE IS OVER

Thank you for participating in Courier Carnage. Please enjoy these crisp rewards.

schuyler tate robin coello virgil roach trinity beckman luka chêne

REWARDS

COURIER CARNAGE IS OVER

Thank you for participating in Courier Carnage. Please enjoy these crisp rewards.

Hyakkaryōran Tsubaki Elise Calcifet Jack Napier Momo Sakai

As the two of you pull away from the most grotesque display of public affection ever witnessed by Porygonkind, you're left to breathlessly reckon with what you've done. Hm. Yeah. Okay. Yep. Uh-huh. Alright, you've finished reckoning with it: Kissing girls? Pretty good, actually. You should do this more often.

"Well, if you insist..."

You lean in to resume the wretched display. From the corner of your eye, you think you can see the unfortunate Porygon wince. How misfortunate he is, forced to watch these people go at one another like a pair of Fidough chewing each others faces off. Frankly, you can't blame him, because you wouldn't want to see this either. Sucks to be them, though, because you're the doer, so you don't have to see. It, however, can do nothing but bear witness as you--

"GAH!"

Something brushes through your legs, and you immediately react by jerking back, which proceeds to send your knee straight up into the edge of the table. Needless to say, 252 Atk Table Double-Edge vs. 0 HP / 0 Def Shred Zeppelin: 880-1036 (302.4 - 356%) -- guaranteed OHKO.

...Okay, no, that's not needless to say. Even you're not quite sure what that is. Your working theory is that it's some kind of pain response, because BOY, does this hurt.

"FUCK!"

You proceed to slump down to the ground, and who else comes tumbling out of your pocket but Meltan, right in front of the fucking bastard cat who inflicted this misery upon you.

"oh o_o h-hello mr pussycat"

---

Xenon Antheil Calpurnia Kubrick

"No. I don't want a taco. I want to get out of here."

Arceus, what a mess. You've spent the past half hour hammering your contacts trying to get any help out here, and you've gotten nothing but excuses back. howard slayte? Isn't answering. Grigori Sokolov? Stuck with bodyguard duty in Sootopolis. Kouji Matsubara? Apparently, he's too busy messing around with some kind of Time-Space Disruption to come help his boss. So, you're stuck here, squatting in this cramped truck with the world's dumbest genius and his robot sidekick. A real fairytale of Mauville you've got going on here. Fucking hell...

"...But if they have any nachos, I'll take them."

Well, no point lingering on it. You've just got to hunker down and wait it out. After all, this IS the police you're dealing with. Lazy, arrogant, short-tempered cops who've been dragged out of bed to scour the streets in the dead of night. You just have to wait for them to lose their patience, wait for them to give up and go home, and then quickly scatter before the morning comes and they try again.

It's not a particularly complex plan, but frankly, that's more than fine with you. After the last botch-job, simple is probably better here. It's just waiting then running. Wait, then run. There's no way you can screw that up.

---

oscar clayton

"I get that it's important, alright?" You clarify, crossing your arms as you raise an eyebrow. "But my fingers are important too, and they're getting frostbit AND burnt. Can't we just take a quick break? Head back to base camp, get some protective gear, stuff like that? I think..."

You trail off. She's started rambling, and if she's rambling, then she's not listening. So, you make the smart choice and save your breath. Maybe you can at least learn something from the deluge of words pouring out of her mouth? You try your best to glean some wisdom from her ravings, but it's an uphill battle. As soon as she starts talking about killing people, your ears go numb. Or is that because you're out in extreme cold without so much as a woolly hat to warm them? Hard to say, hard to say...

But your zoning out session is cut short by the distant rumbling growing louder. Louder? No, maybe it would be more accurate to say closer. Is the volcano erupting? No, if it was, you'd surely be drowning in lava right now. So then, an avalanche? No, then you'd just be drowning in snow instead. But if it's not either of those, then what could it even be?

CRACK! The ground beneath your feet sinks a little. Then a little more. Then a little more. Then, it collapses entirely.

Then, you begin to fall.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU--"

---

Xenon Antheil

"C'mooooooooon! THE aliens." You reply, grabbing an archaeological magazine from the coffee table and flicking through it as you speak. "You know the aliens I'm talking about. The ones that were in the swamp caves? With the spaceship, and the bear, and the weird purple organs? The ones that mysteriously disappeared after we left?"

Hm. Not many articles about dinosaurs in this one, are there? That's a shame. You were really hoping you could catch up on some cool and fun Tyrantrum facts while you were here. Alas, it seems like you're stuck with "The Twin History of Tentacool and Toedscool" instead. What a shame.

"We can't let those aliens run free, especially not with that weird parasite they've got. It'll definitely become a problem for us down the line, right? Like, what happens if one of those chains end up on somebody important, like an Underboss or something? It'll fuck everything up, that's what'll happen. So you give me a million bucks, I use that money to find them, we go wipe them out, and bish bash bosh, that's one less problem we've got to worry about."

Or at least, that's the elevator pitch version of the plan. Obviously, it's far from being perfect, but you'll have plenty of time to work out the kinks when you've got a million bucks to back you up.

"You can budget that for me, right?"

---

howard slayte

Three powerful attacks hit the ground in quick succession. Tempest Quinn’s Kommo-O, Kazimir Wynter’s Incineroar, and ana fell’s Mega Gardevoir launch a Dragon Tail, a Max Malicious Moonsault, and a Moonblast respectively, completely blowing the floor of the mall to smithereens.

And sure enough, in the midst of all the rubble and the wreckage they’ve made is the phantom body off the Iron Bundle. Yet, in the rush to reveal the ghostly Paradox, they’ve left no firepower to put it down. They’ve revealed it, but in the fleeting moment that they have to hurt it, they have no means to do so.

Thus, the moment passes, and before long, the Iron Bundle dives back down into the ground, even deeper than before. This time, however, it will not come back, and no amount of digging will catch it.

But, on the bright side, it is gone. They might not have been able to exorcise the spirit, but they certainly managed to force it away. Christmas may be ruined, but at the very least, it won’t stay ruined.

…Shame about all the property damage, though. Whose going to pay for all this?

IRON BUNDLE #13, ERROR: HAUNTED
RETURNED FROM WHENCE HE CAME

---

ana fell Kazimir Wynter Tempest Quinn Eris Halla

And so, the last attacks in the battle between man and machine are thrown.

robin coello’s Gengar fires forth a Dark Pulse that causes the unsteady Bundle to stagger back, while her Snorlax lands a Hammer Arm that smashes it down into the ground. That’s followed up by a Headbutt from virgil roach’s Cubone, which clatters the downed Paradox Pokemon. Then, finally, schuyler tate’s Pangoro lands one last Parting Shot, the final blow.

But, it is not a lethal one. No, thanks to the intervention of luka chêne and her Togepi, a Life Dew comes down to mend the Iron Bundle. Thus, thanks to this mostly timely intervention, the mechanical menace is spared.

But, is that really a wise idea? After all, this is a violent and brutal menace. It can’t be allowed to go free, can it? It would simply cause more chaos! So then, what were they supposed to do with it?

trinity beckman certainly had one idea, as she threw a second Pokeball at the stunned Paradox Pokemon, which was consumed in a flash of red and dragged inside the capture device.

One shake…

Two shakes…

Three shakes…?

…

...Well, regardless of the outcome of that particular catch attempt, the fact remained that in the bigger picture, the Iron Bundle had been neutralised. At last, after many trials and tribulations, they had done it. They had saved Christmas!

IRON BUNDLE #8, ERROR: LAWS OF ROBOTICS BREACHED
RETIRED!

---

robin coello schuyler tate virgil roach luka chêne trinity beckman

The following events play out as such:

Momo Sakai’s Rotom let out a Discharge to try and fry the van’s mechanics, while her Cherrim launched a Leafage at the wheels, trying to get them to slip. Yet, if there’s one thing that can be said of the postal services, it’s that they’re nothing if not reliable. Despite the electronic malfunctions and the slipping grip, the truck nevertheless manages to keep on going unimpeded. It would almost be inspirational, if it weren’t also extremely irritating.

Elise Calcifet has a bit more luck. Her Ampharos hits one side of the van with a Dragon Pulse, while her Mismagius lands a Shadow Ball on the other. The result? Two holes are punched into the side of the van, sending a flurry of letters and envelopes pouring out like blood from a wound.

Then, Jack Napier’s Lucario completed the trilogy with an Aura Sphere, sending the ball of energy smashing through straight into the driver’s compartment. The Iron Bundle just barely pulls itself out of the way, dodging the attack, but he can’t save the steering wheel, which is completely obliterated by the attack.

That leaves it no way to move the van, and no way to avoid the Meteor Beam coming from Hyakkaryōran Tsubaki’s Nihilego. The beam of pure light proceeds to blast the van, the sacks of mail within, and the Iron Bundle conducting it all. Then, as the cherry on top, BOOM! The whole thing explodes from rim to fuel tank to engines to headlights, leaving nothing but a smouldering wreck behind.

That, and a charred black Iron Bundle, which came flying out of the burning husk and clattering down to the snowy ground below, unconscious.

Needless to say? Christmas was saved. Kind of.

IRON BUNDLE #2: ERROR: NON-FUNCTIONAL CONTRABAND FILTERS
RETIRED!

---

Hyakkaryōran Tsubaki Elise Calcifet Momo Sakai Jack Napier

S.P.E.C.T.R.A. APPLICATION

Psychological Profile:

STRENGTHS: Pokemon battling. Brawling. Creative thinking. Shittalking.[break]

WEAKNESS: Middling intellect. Frequent underestimation of opponents. Bad at listening during meetings.[break]

REASON FOR JOINING: Seemed like a good way to get clout in Team Rocket.[break]

THOUGHTS ON AVATARSHIP? Shred still doesn't believe in Legendary Pokemon as a concept, and just assumes that "Avatars" are some group of one-in-a-million wizards. But hey, he'll probably realise the truth eventually, right?[break][break]

Training Completed:

ASSESSMENT I: N/A.[break]

ASSESSMENT II: N/A.[break]

ASSESSMENT III: N/A.[break]

STANDOUT MISSION/EVENT: S.P.E.C.T.R.A. TRINITY TRIALS: MOLTRES[break][break]

Special Considerations:

CANON INVITE? Yes.[break]

PREVIOUS MEMBER? No. (Link to previous membership thread if yes).[break]

"Yeah, he has that effect on people, doesn't he?" You nod in agreement, looking over to your plus one with admiration in your eyes. "He's definitely a top five Pokemon of all time. Maybe even top three!"

"oo such high praise (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)" Meltan replies, blushing. Or, well, you imagine that he's blushing. He doesn't actually have blood, nor does he have skin, so he can't actually blush, but you like to think that he's metaphorically blushing. "thank you shred and future lady (￣^￣)ゞ i'll do my best!!"

Man. How could anyone dislike this little guy? He's just so damn delightful! You give him two little pats on the head as you glance around the rest of the party. From the looks of it, they're about to start exchanging the white elephants, so you should probably get going. After all, considering the highly complex and deeply nuanced nature of your gift, you should probably be there to--

"--The fuck?"

You stare into the lens of the "kiss camera" with a mixture of surprise and disbelief. What chucklefuck came up with this idea? It's a Christmas party for criminals, not a fucking baseball game! If they were so eager to watch strangers kiss, they should've just camped out near the missile toad, like normal perverts do. Seriously... And they expected you to kiss Xenon, of all people? What a joke. Why would you ever kiss Xenon?

...

...

...Uh oh.

Wordlessly, you shotgun the rest of your whiskey, gently placing the glass back onto the table. Your right hand reaches over and settles upon Xenon's shoulder. Meanwhile, the left picks up Meltan and proceeds to stash him away into your jacket pocket, so that he might be spared from witnessing the massive, obvious, highly preventable mistake you're about to make.

But hey, that's fine, right? It's okay to make mistakes, as long as you learn from them! Granted, this is a mistake you've made several times before, and a lesson you probably should've learned already, but that's neither here nor there.

Besides, you'll have plenty of time to reckon with the consequences of your actions later. You might even find an excuse for them! You usually do.

"...You, uh, aren't going to report me to HR if I kiss you, right?"

---

Xenon Antheil

You don't respond.

Not to Kyle's lackadaisical attitude to law enforcement, not to Grigori's visceral reaction to the weight of the fine, and certainly not to Howard's shameless display of bootlicking. No, you just slump back in your chair and stare into the middle distance. If your eyes move even an inch away from the Sprote Cranberry billboard that you've locked your eyes too, you're pretty sure it'll cause your brain to melt.

So, not quite content but still eager for any exit to this car crash of a social scenario, you just watch and wait as Howard drives away like nothing ever happened.

...You think you might be depressed now.

---

howard slayte Grigori Sokolov kyle lopez

"I'm losing it. I'm losing it. I'm seriously losing it right now..."

Needless to say, you aren't taking the whole "trapped in an abandoned alien building in an abandoned alien city in an abandoned alien dimension" thing very well. This was supposed to be a simple scouting mission, and all of a sudden, you've found yourself stuck in this shitty situation. You don't deserve this. Do you deserve bad things to happen to you? Probably, yeah, but not this. This is too much. This is a cruel and unusual punishment you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.

"I swear, if I ever see that fucking bastard clown again... I'm gonna fucking kill him with my bare hands... I swear to Arceus, I'll fucking do it, I fucking will, I really fucking will..."

You've spent the last twenty minutes sitting on the floor, head in your hands and back to the wall. You foolishly didn't bring any cigarettes, or booze with you, so unfortunately, this is the only coping mechanism you have left. Some might call this an overreaction, but personally? Considering the circumstances, you think having yourself a little breakdown is justified. It's like your little treat, right? You're having a bad day. You deserve to have a little episode, as a treat.

It doesn't help that you're stuck in here with this costumed lunatic. It makes you feel like this isn't real, like it's a hallucinatory trip or an absurd dream instead of reality. And, really, that just pisses you off even more.

"Oh, yeah, real simple." You remark, sarcasm bubbling up from the back of your throat like bile. "So easy. Why didn't I think of that? We just need to find something edible in this post-apocalyptic dimension full of man-eating aliens and hostile Ultra Beasts! It's really just THAT easy, huh? You're a real fuckin' genius, you know that? What WILL you think of next?"

---

Andrea Vaneau