ANTIfossil and the approaching super-cybernado had cut the power to the entire facility, and Chryssa watched as the screen went dark, electricity failing. "The Orb!" she exclaimed, "Finally! I was starting to think you were lying." But something went wrong-- Samuel R.R Tolkien had gone to the flooded reactor, but he hadn't come back.

A door slammed open and Excitera and Inteleon came pounding down the steps of the main building, jumping onto a pair of jetskis and zooming towards the reactor. "He's not here!" Excitera yelled as she flashed by, "We got no choice! We better ramp up and ramp ON, let's get that eye from that two-winged bastard!"

"Well, if the electricity is off, the Archen are definitely out by now. I bet they killed Samuel," Chryssa said. Shortly afterwards there was a zooming sound off-screen and Inteleon looked over his shoulder. "Don't look back," he roared, "They're coming!" The camera panned to show a gang of four Archeops on jetskis, their claws fixed on the accelerators. "Go, go, go! I've got 'em!"

Inteleon veered off and half the Archeops cut to zoom after him, but the others still followed Excitera. She was aiming towards an enormous Carracosta floating in the radiation-filled waters, and as she reached it she jumped off the top of its shell, soaring into the sky. But it wouldn't be enough to reach the cybernetic aerodactyl above. With a roar, kicking off the seat of the jetski, Excitera activated her jetpack.

"But I bet Chadwick gets the orb," Chryssa said, rolling her eyes. "These movies always favor the male lead."

1. cranidos in egg (no)
2. archen escape first (no)
3. kids don't die (?)
4. sobble comes back (yes)
5. inteleon dies, kids are adopted by chadwick (?)
6. archen kill samuel r.r. tolkein (yes)
7. chadwick gets the orb
8.

As the movie fast approached the final showdown, Zac checked in with his fellow movie-goers. Chryssa was having a great time muttering to herself, Vibrava was humming with excitement and not missing a moment of the action, and Zappa was searching for missed popcorn under their seats. Well you can't win 'em all.

On screen, Excitera reached the zenith of her jetpack-propelled ascent and the pack started to fail. "I can't let the orb reach ANTIFossil, she said, and as she fell towards the Cyberdactyl she pulled out a pair of climbing katanas. Excitera landed hard on the creature's back, and she stabbed her swords into the rocky back of the flying fossil, which screeched and sparked, trying to throw her off. "The Cyberdactyl is flying straight for the Visitor's Centre." Chadwick narrated from off-screen. If it gets there, then the orb will be delivered right into the slimy hands of ANTIFossil. A fate worse than the apocalypse."

Excitera sword-climbed hand over hand towards the creature's head, and the orb hidden under it eyepatch, but she was moving too slow. In the time she had gotten halfway there, the creature had passed over Nitro-Canyon, and Rampforest, and the Tyrantrum exhibit and was almost at the visitor's centre!.

"This is your captain speaking," Excitera said through gritted teeth, as the reached the base of the creature's neck, "remember to buckle up as you may experience some unexpected explosions." She flicked open the tops of her katanas, revealing the self-destruct buttons. "See you on the other side, Chadwick." she said, and a single, heroic tear rolled down her cheek as she pressed the detonators.

Zac cried out in time with Chadwick, mourning the heroic sacrifice of the ex-marine.

Meanwhile, Inteleon was weaving, bobbing, and jumping in attempt to escape the two Archens. Despite Inteleon's admirable attempts, the Archeops were gaining-- their sheer skill at driving saw to that.

Chryssa saw it first and let out a peal of laughter, pointing at the screen. "Look at his hands!"

Inteleon looked back to see one of the Archeops driving with no hands-- or rather, driving with one of the severed hands of Samuel R.R Tolkien. Chryssa continued to laugh. Dramatic 90's-era-suspense music played. The other Archeops cawed mockingly, waving a huge, blocky-ended butcher's knife it had clearly used to chop up the scientist.

"Cleaver girl," Inteleon whispered into the camera, eyes narrowing, before the blade sliced through the screen and the scene changed.

---

Chryssa was just wondering what had happened to Chadwick-- despite being the main character, they hadn't seen anything of him since he'd lashed the kids to the tree with the motorcycle cable and thrown away his mother's bullet casing.

Zac had promised a non-ambiguous ending, however, so she was counting on that. Chadwick's signature voice narration promised a return, and Chryssa tucked her knees up in her seat as she waited for the other shoe to drop.

"She dies?" Chryssa said indignantly, eyes wide. "In a heroic sacrifice?!" Exploded pieces of half-machinery, half-fossil rained down from the sky, splashing into the irradiated waters. The Aerodactyl's body spasmed up above, wires fraying and short circuiting, as its decapitated head fell from its body.

But this was a cyborg-- of course, having its head detached from its body was not the final blow. The head belched fire from the broken stump of its neck, shooting directly towards the reactor.

And Chadwick was there on the roof, two sashes of machine gun bullets thrown crossways over his body and a gigantic harpoon launcher clutched in one hand. "Head-- meet hammer." He shot the head, the harpoon burying itself in the middle of the Aerodactyl's skull. Chadwick barreled forward, leaping to use the line from the harpoon like a zipline as he slid effortlessly towards the trapped head.

He plunged one hand into its socket and pulled out the green orb.

...and with it, pulled out the lifeless body of Excitera, who had been gripping the orb from inside the creature's skull.
"Wooo!" cheered Zac, as Chadwick performed punch-CPR to resuscitate her. "Live damn it!" he shouted, and with one final smash he delivered a heart-starting blow. Excitera gasped as her eyes opened, and she spat roughly to the side. "Three," she said with a smirk, "three times i've saved your ass, Chadwick."

"Never doubted you for a second." Chadwick said, and the orb glowed bright in their hands, the radioactive green light bathing them in a warm glow. "Now we just need to deliver this..." he turned, and the camera panned to show a massive pre-historic pine rising above the forests of the park. The tree was covered in flaming wreckage and shimmering metal carnage, which glittered in the night. There was only one this missing: a light on top. "...over there."
"Every tree needs a light on top." Excitera said, sagely.

“Oh my god. It is a holiday movie,” Chryssa breathed, scooting forward on the edge of her seat. She was glad she hadn’t made any bets related to the genre. “Are they going to ride the tornado to the tree?”

”Let’s ride,” Chadwick was saying on screen as he and Excitera looked towards the great pine in the distance. ”But first, I want an icy cold drink of Charge-a-Cola!” Chadwick continued, turning suddenly to face the camera. ”It’s recharging! It’s refreshing! And it’s R-R-R-RADICAL!” Excitera roared, twisting the cap on the bottle with the label clearly turned towards the screen. ”Do you ever feel like you just need that extra KICK, Chadwick?”

”No! Targeted advertising?!” Chryssa exclaimed.

”Yeah, I do. And when I get that itch, nothing scratches it like CHARGE-A-COLA!” Chadwick upended the bottle over his mouth, beginning to chug its bubbly contents. Again, the camera panned over the label, which featured a rough-and-tumble bad boy Charjabug, as Excitera chanted ”Charge! Charge! Charge! Charge!”

Chryssa was speechless. And inexplicably thirsty.

Zac sprinted back from the concession stand with two bottles of Charge-a-Cola. "Pant, pant, man this movie always makes me so thirsty," he said, offering one of the bottles to Chryssa. "What did I miss?"

Chadwick threw away the empty bottle and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, his expensive Rolycolyex watch clearly visible. "Okay, NOW let's ride," Chadwick said, and he and Excitera climbed onto Tyramptrum. Excitera pushed the orb into Tyramptrum's chest, and his wheel legs transformed into powerful fighter-jet wings. "To the Visitor's Center!" roared Tyramptrum, whose voice sounded deeper and more futuristic. "It's time to show those ANTIFossil scum whose boss."

"Man becomes Extreme, Arceus tries to hold us back by creating a bunch of jags, ANTIFossil build a deadly super orb weapon, Man steals the orb, creates the Tyramp-jet and kills ANTIFossil, and then celebrates with the biggest party the world has ever seen." Excitera intoned, and she and Chadwick put on fresh sets of sunglasses.
"And all the Charge-a-Cola you can drink," Agreed Chadwick, and the trio shot off towards the Visitor's Center, and the heart of the approaching storm.

“You’re just in time,” Chryssa hissed, taking the Charge-a-Cola gratefully, ”You just missed the cave diving flashback!” It had finally explained everything in the backstory they needed to know about ANTIfossil, the fossil Pokemon at the park, and Excitera’s ex-husband.

“Ride, Defeatist scum!” Chadwick grunted, slamming an Archeops into a wall by the neck. They’d come upon the scattered remnants of the jetski gang and were currently commandeering their vehicles. “We’re on a deadline - it’s only ten minutes until December 25!”

Screeching, the Archeops revved the engine as Chadwick and Excitera lashed three more Archeops together to provide lift. The sound of helicopter blades was rising as a line of ANTIfossil choppers rose above the treeline, training sniper rifles on the two protagonists. “I bet there’ll be a countdown,” Chryssa said, “And they’ll get the Orb in place on 1. I bet you. That’s how it always works.”

1. cranidos in egg (no)
2. archen escape first (no)
3. kids don't die (?)
4. sobble comes back (yes)
5. inteleon dies, kids are adopted by chadwick (?)
6. archen kill samuel r.r. tolkein (yes)
7. chadwick gets the orb (no)
8. ride tornado to the tree (?)
9. countdown to 1 (?)

The cyber-nado bore down on the intrepid trio, and Zac could feel the rumble in his chair. "I can't believe they upgraded the movie to 4D just for the re-release!" he said, before realising that the rumble was coming from the overexcited VC. "Uh, you okay buddy?" Zac asked. The Vibrava didn't respond. He shook violently his big eyes flickering all over the screen, trying to take everything in as the movie rocketed towards the finale: literally!

"We're going to his these goons where they least expect it." Chadiwck said, as the storm winds whipped around them, pulling them up into the air via their flock of Archeops, "from above". The group soared up into the midnight sky, and the timer on the Arceusmas tree was clearly visible.
The neon display clicked down to 00:08, as they rocketed towards the top of the tree, carried on the winds of the nitro-nado.
"Ah shit," said Excitera, as she put on her Oma-night-vision goggles to get a better look at the enemy. She started firing in the direction of the tree "it looks like we've got company, and their as welcome as a bottle of flat Charge-a-Cola!"

Up ahead, their path to the tree was blocked by the combined forced of ANTIFossil, who had taken to the air in a last ditch attempt to stop them. Kabu-turbo-ps shot through the air, laser-scythes slashing, amid the sound of returning gunfire.

The timer clicked down to 00:07. Arceusmas was almost here.

As they took to the skies, threading through Kabu-torpedoes or whatever, a sleek, shiny face of black metal veered up to cut them off, the din of helicopter blades filling the theater.

“Cease and desist, Chadwick Bronstanton!” shouted the ANTIfossil pilot through a megaphone. “It’s not right to genetically engineer fossil Pokemon into stunt props! We’re taking this Kickassic Park down, and you’ll never live to see the New Year!”

“Cut the crap! The only things that matter are Rippin’, Rollin’, and Rampardos!” The handsome protagonist shouted, steering their Archeops-propelled water/aircraft towards the smooth head of a nearby Rampardos grazing near the base of the huge tree. It was the perfect height to make their final jump, but ANTIfossil was determined to stop them.

“Are you SURE? Because I have something I think you’ll recognize... your CHILDREN!” The pilot held up the struggling bodies of Dwebble and Sobble, caught inside tiny cages. “We’ll let them go when that timer hits zero, but that’s it!”

Chryssa waited for the screen to cut back to the timer again, which was hilariously displayed right on the tree itself. ”Five minutes? Oh heavens, whatever will they do?” she asked in her breathy southern belle accent. Chadwick cursed, punching a Kabutops flying past and sending it spinning out of control to explode on the ground. ”DAMN!” he roared, “I guess sacrifices...”

”...Won’t be necessary!” shouted a familiar voice, and Inteleon swung through the door of the helicopter, snatching back his grandchildren with one hand and slashing the huge cleaver through the helicopter controls with the other. He of course had an eye patch and his clothes were torn, but was otherwise unhurt.

“I’m the Cleaver Girl now!”

The ANTIFossil helicopter crashed to the ground, taking out a squad of approaching soldiers in a roar of fire and canned screams. As it did, Ty-Ramp-Jet shot off towards the tree, which had just clicked down to 00:04.
"Looks like we got this all wrapped up, and with plenty of time left!" Chadwick said, as the group landed on the helipad at the top of the pine tree. "There it is!" Excitera said, pointing her gun at the empty plinth. It was glowing a pale, holiday green. The same colour as the orb. Chadwick pulled out the orb, which was still splattered with blood from Excitera's heroic sacrifice atop the Cyber-dactyl. "Only one thing left to do," he said, walking towards the plinth, "save Arceusm-"

"Not zo vast," said a dark, East-Kalosian voice. Chadwick looked around, but the source of the voice was hidden in the darkness. "I haf been vaiting for you Chadvick," said the voice, "and it appearz zat you haf almost run out of time."
The timer clicked down to 0:03, and suddenly the lights on the tree flared, revealing a dark figure wearing an eyepatch.

Next to Zac, VC let out a short buzz of shock.

"It's the head of ANTIFossil!" Excitera shouted, and she trained her gun on the man blocking their way to a happy holiday.
"The devious mastermind Cothdorn Snab'rack Winterboth," added Chadwick, who shook his head as he circled his arch-nemesis. "It figures you would be behind this. You're always meddling with my plans, trying to ruin my super sick theme park ideas. Man you're super lame."
His group all agreed, shouting "lame" aT Cothdorn and shaking their heads. The villain just laughed. "Well, anozer ov your ztupid planz ruined, Chadvick. How doez it veel to alvays be vun step behind?"

Chadwick scowled. "It feel like you cheated, as always. There's no way you could have known about this park, or the orb!"
"Oh Chadvick, but you told me yourzelf."
Chadwick frowned, and the movie quickly swapped between a flashback of Chadwick telling the mathematician his plans for a cool new themepark, as in the present Cothdorn switched his eyepath over to his other eye.
"Mathematician! All this time it was you!" Chadwick shouted, his voice thick with betrayal. "But, but we shared Charge-a-Cola and cigars together!"
Cothdorn laughed. "Didn't you ever wonder how I got so close to you?" He asked, with all trace of the fake accent gone. "How I know just what you like, how you think? Oh Chadwick." Cothdorn made a motion, and a flock of Unown swarmed up from the tree to spell his name.

C O T H D O R N      S N A B ' R A C K      W I N T E R B O T H

With a wave of his hand the letters rearranged themselves.

C H A D W I C K     B R O N S T A N T O N ' S     B R O T H E R

Chryssa literally screamed. In the theater. It was unclear whether it was delight or outrage.

“NO! His brother? NO!”

Eerily, on screen Chadwick was having a similar reaction. He stumbled and fell to his knees, the blood-splattered Orb rolling out of his hands. Excitera caught him by the shoulders. ”Un-be-LIEVE-able!” she roared, glaring hatefully at the nefarious mathematician. She dove for the Orb, doing a rad somersault to fetch it, but that moment left Chadwick undefended.

The camera showed a shot of his back as the squadron of ANTIfossil agents behind the grinning Cothdorn Snab’rack Winterboth opened fire.

There was a slow-motion shot of Excitera’s face as she bellowed, of Chadwick’s vacant expression still twisted with shock, of a CGI-render of the first bullet piercing his skin.

Then red blood stained the ground, and Cothdorn began to laugh, triumphant over the slumped and bloodied hero. White snow began to fall, coating the helicopter platform in a fine layer of fluffy snowflakes that turned red in a pool around the fallen Chadwick.

And then he raised his head.

”The fossils aren’t the only things genetically modified here,” he grunted. ”Did you think I was just some ordinary kickass bike-riding paleo-ologist human? GUESS AGAIN!”

He ripped off his torn and bloodied shirt, and Excitera shouted in victory. The places where the gunfire should have ripped him apart were healing as each snowflake touched him, covered over by smooth blue scales. He flexed his pecs, showing off his ripped physique. “Guess that White Arceusmas came right on time.”

“Ice Body? It can’t be!” the eyepatched mathematician cried out, holding up his hands as if to block out the sight. Freshly-fallen snow continued to twirl all around them as Chadwick staggered to his feet. “That’s right! I’ve got more in common with the dinos than you, Cothdorn! We all share the same blood!” he gasped.. The huge bullet holes in his chest continued to close up, forming awesome scars. “Call them what you like, but they’re ALL my brothers! People, dirt bikes,, and Pokemon— we’re all flippin’ connected!”

“That’s right!” roared Tyramptrum.

“We’re your real family, Chadwick,” Excitera said. Together, they took the orb, holding it over to the plinth. “Let’s light this baby up.”

As they placed the orb on its rightful place at the top of the tree, pale green light burst from the star. The music swelled magnificently. Every light along the tree’s branches illuminated as the light raced down the tree’s length all the way to the roots, disappearing into the ground.

And finally, the camera panned and revealed the timer: finally stopped at 1 second.

“We did it, babe,” Chadwick said, putting his arm around Excitera. ”We saved Arceusmas.”

Behind the triumphant couple, Tyramptrum lunged forward and swallowed Cothdorn whole, shaking his screaming body like a terrier with a rat before gulping him down.

”Nailed it! And... end scene! Title credits roll!” Chryssa said admiringly, shaking her head. “That was—”

But the movie wasn’t over yet. The entire tree began to rumble and shake. ”Wo-oah? What’s happening?” asked Excitera. She’d also taken off her shirt, revealing she too had rad fossil powers. They both ran for Tyramptrum and climbed aboard the monster truck-sized Pokemon as the earthquake rippled through the ground and the giant tree tipped down at an angle, forming a steep, straight slope.

One. Final. Jump.

The whole world seemed to be crashing down in slow motion as the monster truck shot towards the tip of the tilted, tinselled tree.
"Go go! Give it more power!" Excitera shouted, as her ex-husband roared towards the end of the pine ramp. "We have to go faster!"
The tree was falling too fast! They weren't going to make it! "Don't worry guys, I've got an ace up my sleeve. Or should I say a drink."
Chadwick ripped off his sleeves to show a pair of Charge-a-Cola bottle strapped to his biceps. They weren't the reason that his biceps looked big, because they were naturally large. It was more the opposite effect, where the size of his biceps helped to hide the obvious bulge of the bottles. Not that the bottles were small, because they were the perfect size to give you just that hit of energy you need when the going gets tough.
"They're the bottles you guzzle when you've gotta go full throttle!" Chadwick shouted above the crashing of the giga-pine, as he leaned out the side of the monster truck and poured both bottles into Tyramptrum's fuel tank. The dinosaur let out a roar of refreshment, and everyone was pressed into their seats as he accelerated. Green, festive nitrous shot from his dozen exhaust pipes, and he blasted off the ramp with enough power to shatter the tree, which cracked into a thousand pieces. Tyramptrum's trajectory was straight, unbounded by the planet's weak 'gravity', and he ripped through the atmosphere, a pressure front of burning awesome forming in front of him as the crew launched themselves directly into space. An asteroid blocked their way, and the monster truck burst through, only for the movie to stop on a freeze frame of everyone with wacky expressions and the words:
"Charge-a-cola!
For when your energy needs are outta this world!"

The scene faded to black, and the credits rolled over a peaceful, orchestral redux of the main theme...until 5 seconds later a trio of electric guitar's broke in an Chadwick rode out through the credits on his combat dirtbike, tearing a hole right through the script editor.
"Merry Holidays everyone!" Chadwick, said, before he popped a sweet wheelie and rode off, exiting stage left.
"...and to all a good night." finished his voiceover.

She found herself clapping somehow despite hearing herself saying "That ending didn't make any sense!" as if from very far away. The movie should have ended where she predicted, it just... had a final targeted ad for the grand finale. Ridiculous, but harmless. What did Charge-a-Cola think they were accomplishing with such a lame-- "Agh!"

She'd just seen her own hand clutching the bottle of energizing soda, which she'd finished in the heart-pounding final moments of the film. "Impossible!" How had she come out the victim on the other end of this movie?

While the credits played, including every variation of the main theme and one Arceusmas reboot complete with jingle bells for percussion, Chryssa scrolled through her voice files on her phone. She'd taken recordings as proof, of course, and despite the sounds of roaring fossil Pokemon, gunfire, revving motors and gunfire in the background, her voice was clear.

"Cranidos in the egg... no, it was Archen... Ty-ramp-trum escaped first, so no... the kids never died, that's one point for me... Sobble came back, yes..." She typed out a list quickly, "I suppose it's hard to adopt Pokemon kids from orbit and there's no evidence to substantiate that, so no..." She finished her list, which had ended up being ten separate items, and showed it to Zac. "Here you are! You owe me five Pokemon, as per the terms of our Binding Holiday Agreement."

FINAL LIST
1. cranidos in egg (no)
2. archen escape first (no)
3. kids don't die (yes)
4. sobble comes back (yes)
5. inteleon dies, kids are adopted by chadwick (no)
6. archen kill samuel r.r. tolkein (yes)
7. chadwick gets the orb (no)
8. ride tornado to the tree (yes)
9. countdown to 1 (yes)
10. end of movie (no)