[attr="class","illieicon"]

[attr="class","illie b"]the way her hands settle around stormy, the way they hold her together and close, the way they seem so protective feels like second nature. she'll fight off the emotions as they come, fight to keep her safe and whole and in one singular piece against her chest. if only because the woman means everything to her, if only because she knows without a doubt in her mind that she would do the same for illeana. perhaps that's why her hold tightens a little, one hand moving to slowly rub circles into the skin of her back.

stormy trembles and leaves wet marks across the skin of her collarbones but she doesn't mind. her focus is on stormy, on her emotions, on her sanity. her mind might be hazy with wine and affection but it doesn't miss the sadness that seems to exude from every pore. it tinges the air and leaves the atmosphere almost sorrowful. she despises it if she's being honest. it doesn't belong near stormy, shouldn't even be on the same planet. and yet, it is and it's too much for her shoulders to handle. illeana had seen hints of the pressure sagging her shoulders before in the springs and now it seems as though it has reached a breaking point. stormy had reached her limit and so help her god, she'll take on the brunt of it herself if it meant stormy was okay.

the slight laugh does little to ease the mood. instead, it causes illeana's brows to crease even further with worry. and then, the floodgates are opening and stormy's laying her soul out for her to see.

"hey," she whispers and her voice is soft, as if one of them will break if it raises in volume. "it's okay to still be in love with him, stormy." she knows as well as the next that it's too difficult to just will the feelings away, to snuff the life out of them with a slight of hand. no, they won't be defeated that easily and it's a hard fact to ignore. "what happened between you two?" the question is almost inaudible, almost too soft to hear. and yet, she knows that the lack of space between them allows the question to be noticed. a sigh escapes her, then, and she's pulling stormy closer, stroking at her hair in an attempt to soothe the sobs as they come. "it's understandable to be lost, especially in this kind of situation," she murmurs. "but, at the same time, you shouldn't put yourself in the position to be hurt again if he's not serious about working on things." charcoal seeks crimson for the next part, the woman pulling back just enough to search stormy's eyes. "you deserve someone who's head over heels for you, who would give you the world." perhaps she would if given the chance but that's a thought for another time, another situation. and so, she buries the thought behind other feelings, packing it away in a box and shoving it in the corners of her mind. sure, her heart feels some weird something about this topic but she doesn't have the right to.

[attr="class","kheader"]

[attr="class","kthread"][attr="class","league"]

Illeana's embrace, as it tightens, encourages Stormy to let it out, to let her in. All of a sudden she's pouring her heart out and tearing open her soul for Illeana to witness. She's letting the dark cavity of her heart open so that she might see Illeana's light.[break][break]

Her face contorts into a pained grimace as sobs wrack her body, as her confident composure sheds its skin and the true image of Stormy's pain is laid bare. The truth is, she isn't okay. The truth is, she never had been.[break][break]

She hears the soft whisper in her ear and it coaxes some semblance of control out of her, as she stifles her silent weeping in order for her to be at attention, to curl into Illeana's embrace and allow this affection to bring her above the water.[break][break]

Stormy squeezes her eyes closed as Illeana asks a question - one who's answer is painful. But she pushes past it because she needs to start being honest with herself, she needs to start coming to terms with her grief.[break][break]

"I wanted to marry him, I thought we were ready. I wanted us to be ready. But he didn't say yes, he told me he couldn't commit to me and didn't think it was fair of him to accept the proposal when political matters would tear him away from me. I told him it didn't matter, that I would be by his side no matter what.."[break][break]

She's breathless as she admits this, grief crushing her windpipe and making her voice wobble.[break][break]

"But he insisted we needed a break, that it would be good for us. I agreed because I wanted it to be okay, I wanted us, so badly. But he left the region without saying a word, he was just gone. I didn't hear from him for almost six months. He never replied to any of my phone calls. He was gone."[break][break]

Stormy winces at Illeana's warning, that she shouldn't put herself in a position to hurt herself again. But it was too late because she already had, she had already hurt herself countless times.[break][break]

"And I'm conflicted and scared and.. and.." she exhales shakily, shaking her head side to side against the woman's collarbone. "He came back to Hoenn almost a week ago and I didn't see him until yesterday, and it was by accident. He didn't want to see me but he told me how he missed me."[break][break]

Her gaze lowers and her eyes drift closed as her hands ball into fists as she pulls away from Illie for a moment to compose herself.[break][break]

"I wanted it to be him. He means everything to me."

[break][break][break]

[attr="class","illieicon"]

[attr="class","illie b"]she's quiet, expression settling into neutral ground, as stormy burrows closer. there's a need to comfort, a need to brush away darkness like a rustle of curtains until light is pouring in and uncovering every inch. except, she can't rush stormy, can't help her any more than she is right now. there's only so many words to be said, embraces to be had, before a barrier is met. if there's one thing she knows, it's easier to help others than to help yourself and perhaps stormy knows this feeling as well as she.

darkness knows darkness in the end and it seems hers is drawn to stormy's.

they differ in size, in shape, in form. one brought on from romances gone sour and one from too many skeletons kept locked in closets that can no longer contain them. there's hollowness in their eyes, in their hearts, and it draws them closer, connected by a single red string.

the woman in her arms settles slightly, if only just enough to be able to speak without grief overwhelming her senses. and despite herself, illeana stays as still as marble. one hand continues the endeavor of comfort, of rubbing soft circles into the space between shoulder blades like a mother would a terrified child. it's natural and easy and perhaps everything is as simple as breathing with stormy. the words hang heavy in the air, palpable with so much emotion it's almost suffocating. the emotions claw at her throat despite her inexperience in the matter and she's struggling to come up with the right words to say to make everything okay.

she can't, in the end, because words are just words and they never replace what has been lost.

but she tries all the same. "stormy," she whispers in an attempt to draw the woman back, to distract her as she has before. perhaps it works or perhaps she's adding salt to the wounds, fire to the smoldering flames. "did you speak to him about it before asking him?" the inquiry is hesitant, practically needing to be shoved out of her mouth for her to be able to continue. a sigh follows and she's treading in uncharted waters with waves ready to drown her if she isn't careful. "i," she starts and stops and the words find footing in her mind before her mouth. "unfortunately, you can't rush things like that if the other person isn't as ready as you are. it -- it takes time and sometimes, it's not for everyone."

as soon as they leave her mouth, the words taste bitter, heavy, like betrayal. and perhaps it's simply a preview of what's the come but how is she to know who the subject of their conversation?

her arms wrap themselves a little tighter around her waist, pulling her closer and ignoring every single line they could possibly have between them. she needs comfort. she needs someone to hold her and kiss her forehead and tell her that things will be okay even in the face of looming darkness. and illeana will always do this because she has been in this position one too many times with no one there to save her from going too far into the depths of the dark. she'll provide her hands, her body, her affection for stormy to count on.

"you didn't get any closure," she muses. the person you love leaving so suddenly, without any contact or trace, provides nothing but ache and agony. it's a different kind of loss than one she's come to know and understand but similar all the same. and perhaps that's why her voice breaks apart just a fraction, just enough to let sadness creep in over the lingering haze of wine. "how are you supposed to accept what happened or even move on when it's still an open wound?" it's half spoken to stormy, half to herself. half to the ones lost and half to the universe. why do some things never get closed? why do they continue to fester and burn? it doesn't make sense, can't make sense, and she's been scrambling to find answers that will never be. another similarity, another string tied to their fingers until they're living half of the same life and perhaps that's why they mesh so well.

her other hand rises to stroke at stormy's hair, gentle and careful to not tug at tangled strands. it's an affectionate gesture, perhaps one with too much emotion mixed in until she can't tell whether it's protective or loving. perhaps both and perhaps neither... she's lost in the thought for a moment until stormy's struggling to speak words that illeana knows are too difficult to give life to. a soft hum of understanding escapes like a breath of air and she's glancing away, trail of thoughts searching for answers that she can't give. "did he tell you that he didn't want to see you?" she's questioning because with the information laid out before her, it doesn't add up. well, half of it does but two conflicting variables mean misunderstanding and she's struggling to make sense of it all. "if he missed you, then wouldn't he want to see you?" it's uncertain, rocking the boat in already rocky waters, and she knows it but she can't help it. the voice of reason wins out and she's trying to offer a small smile, gentle in a way that isn't too overbearing.

"you never know," she murmurs as stormy pulls back, as her fists clench and ball with white knuckles. charcoal flitters between crimson and white, torn until the hand at her back is drifting toward her fists. her hand is soft, gentle, soothing, as it settles on top of one of the fists and she's giving a gentle squeeze, reassuring as stormy had her. "it could still be him, stormy. people have a way of finding their way back sometimes."

[attr="class","kheader"]

[attr="class","kthread"][attr="class","league"]

Illeana is a beacon of reason, holding her so tight and yet without desperation. She holds up the walls that feel like they're crashing down, all by rubbing circles of affection into the space between her shoulders. She's comforted and she lets it show as her tears stop flowing, as she allows the woman she's poured everyone out on to say her name. It's like something has been set free, to hear her bring her back.[break][break]

"No... I did not, and I think that's why we are no longer okay. I didn't take his feelings into consideration, I didn't think. I knew what I wanted and nothing else mattered, and it should have. He mattered."[break][break]

She feels breathless, like the ache in her chest is threatening to swallow up her words and force her into silence. Admitting her faults, her fears, it was terrifying. Like a chasm of guilt had been opened up and she was prepared to drown in it. She had been drowning in it for a long time.[break][break]

Illeana's voice continues to be a comfort even as she becomes the voice of reason, even when she says what she doesn't want to hear. Stormy lowers her gaze, chin brushing her chest as she swallows the pain, comes to understand how right Illeana is. How rash she had been, how selfish.[break][break]

But the truth of it was, Stormy craved acceptance and love. She had felt deprived of it her whole life, from her first moments she could accurately recall being ones of absolute fear and loneliness as her mother left her on the steps of an orphanage, a foster home, a place where the adults looked down at her without affection. Their hugs weren't to quiet her tears, they were to make her just stop crying.[break][break]

Even when she had been shown kindness, shown love, she had rejected it for fear it wasn't real. She had learned to cope, learned to survive on her own and to not worry about the kindness of others. She had rejected her adopted parents' love. And it was too late now to change that. To love and to be loved was a strange emotion for her, one that she very clearly struggled with. But she had loved Alex, that much she had been certain.[break][break]

But perhaps she had been selfish to pour all of herself into another person, to expect them to understand or put her back together. [break][break]

"Maybe that's my punishment. Maybe I'm not supposed to move on."[break][break]

Stormy closes her eyes when Illeana's fingers brush at her hair, her face squeezing as she shakes her head at her question. He hadn't told her that he didn't want to see her, at least not out loud. But something had prevented him from seeking her out, and she was starting to realize why that was. He had been afraid of her reaction - rightfully so.[break][break]

And so she says nothing because she doesn't want to admit out loud that she's the problem, that her own temper and anger and pain had been enough to push him away. She merely swallows, fighting the lump in her throat and focusing on the warmth Illie gives.[break][break]

Her clenched fists relax at the woman's touch, opening up to let her in. She sighs, shaking her head.[break][break]

"Maybe, but I think I burned whatever bridge might have been left. This time, it was me. I pushed him away."[break][break]

'I push everyone away...'

[break][break][break]

[attr="class","illieicon"]

[attr="class","illie b"]slowly, the comforting gestures begin to melt away tears. she continues even as they fade, feathery touches solely aimed to keep stormy together, to keep her here and in one piece. maybe it's a subconscious desire that's too selfish for her to fully understand and maybe it's simply nothing more than her wanting to be her friend's anchor. she isn't sure, truthfully, but the tears coming to a stop is enough for her to attempt to soothe further, to prevent them from coming back.

"unfortunately," she begins, voice barely above a whisper. her eyes flutter to the side as she speaks, slightly avoidant. "we can't change what has already happened. we can, however, work toward fixing the mistakes we have made." her gaze finds its way back a moment later. her hand stills on stormy's back for a moment before it continues once more in lazy circles when the words she wants to say are laid out in her mind. "i think the first step in mending what has been broken is acknowledging what broke it." she knows somewhere along the line that stormy is aware of what has to be done but it's easier said than anything... a small encouraging smile rises to her lips. "he still matters to you, stormy."

the slight shift is noticeable as soon as the words linger between them. it's as simple as a lowering of a gaze, a silence that follows, and immediately regret pools in her stomach. had she been too honest? the words had felt like betrayal and perhaps in a way they were. she wants to provide the comfort and assistance that stormy seeks but sometimes, that role comes with being the voice of reason even when it will hurt.

illeana stays quiet for a little while longer, hands never ceasing in their movements. the words that are breathed out between them come with a bitterness that almost seems palpable. punishment, karma, consequences. sometimes, she thinks the world is cruel and harsh to those with too much love in their hearts. and other times, she chalks it up to ever changing circumstances, people, and coincidences. is there such a thing as karma for mistakes we have made? or is it simply the mind trying to justify the bad hands we've been dealt?

"i don't believe you're being punished for anything," she keeps her voice low but the gentleness never strays. "sometimes, for reasons we don't understand, relationships just break apart. it doesn't mean that the universe wants to punish you when you can't move on. it takes time to heal." how much time is needed to fully heal, though? do the wounds even ever fully fade? or do they constantly linger and merely get easier to handle? the thought has her shifting slightly against the ground, mind racing with possibilities.

one of her hands stills against stormy's hair, hovering while she offers a response in the form of a slight shake of the head. silence follows soon after and she's subconsciously picking apart the meanings left unsaid. he didn't say he didn't want to see her but it was an accidental meeting. is there a reason behind the delay or had it simply been coincidences guiding them back together? she doesn't know, possibly could never know, but something had set the meeting into motion and perhaps that could be a sliver of hope in the dark.

her fingers settle in the spaces between stormy's as her fists relax enough to allow touch. a squeeze follows, warm and gentle and full of affection. it says i'm here, i'm not going anywhere, and perhaps that's what the woman needs. a constant person in her life, a constant form of comfort. her eyes drift toward their reunited hands as she speaks, face softening. "you can always try to repair what has been burned," she murmurs and there's some form of truth in her sentiments. it might not be easy but sometimes things can be fixed once they've been broken. of course, it depends on the situation and the circumstances but... trying is better than giving up on the person you love. "why did you push him away?" comes next and she's whispering it into the air with hesitation, as if she doesn't want to push too far. her hand gives another squeeze, reassuring, with the full intent of making sure stormy knows it's okay if she doesn't want to open up any further.

[attr="class","kheader"]

[attr="class","kthread"][attr="class","league"]

Slowly but surely, the hitch in her throat calms and the hiccup from her tears spreads out over several breaths. She relaxes, her tense body and tight muscles uncoiling with every lazy circle that pries the pain from her skin. Her self-loathing becomes less dominant as she leans into Illeana's touch, listens to her words, her advice. She was the voice of reason she needed in her dark thoughts, the beacon she needed to find her way back above the water.[break][break]

She had been drowning for so long.[break][break]

"He's been by my side ever since we were kids, Illie. Almost all of my most precious memories included him. Our families were so close, we did everything together. Hoenn began to feel just as much like home as Kanto did."[break][break]

For a brief moment she chuckles, a weak noise as she reminisces on old memories.[break][break]

"But maybe that's because Silph Co. and Devon Co. were very similar, it never felt like I'd left home. All of the scientists and security following us around - it was familiar."[break][break]

Her eyes close when Illie says that she still cares for him because it's true, she does. She had never stopped. He had been important to her for as long as she could remember.[break][break]

Silence spreads between them for a while as Stormy focuses on the patterns of comfort, the feel of Illie's hand in her hair, dropping to her hand, the simple gestures, the simple touch. She clung to it, grounding herself with the hazy love she felt with every breath she took. Illeana was here, a silent promise that she wouldn't leave. It felt nice, it felt safe.[break][break]

Illeana insists that she isn't being punished, and as much as she wants to believe that, she isn't sure she can. The ache in her chest is nigh unbearable, threatening to swallow her whole. No amount of reassurance could fill that void, she fears. But she nods because she knows she has to, knows she has to start taking that first step.[break][break]

She glances down to her hand as Illie squeezes her fingers, and Stormy gathers the woman's fingers softly between hers, placing her other hand on top of their combined handhold, stroking the soft skin of her friend in rhythmic movements. She releases a shaky breath as Illeana asks a difficult question - and it's only difficult because Stormy isn't sure how to answer it.[break][break]

"I... I don't know. I guess I was scared he would leave me again, and I wanted him to leave on my terms. I was so scared of being hurt again. He didn't give me a reason to hate him for leaving so I made one up. I fucked up, Illie. I always do. Whenever people get close, whenever I feel like I might have something good going for me, I ruin it. I'm so afraid."

[break][break][break]

[attr="class","illieicon"]

[attr="class","illie b"]slowly, perhaps without her even realizing it, her comforting motions have begun to cease. it happens without her catching on until her hands are pressing gently against stormy's back and she isn't sure if she wants to pull her closer just yet. the relaxing of muscles beneath her fingertips is enough for her to be satisfied with the distance between them for now and so she offers a soft smile. haziness still guides her, still lingers in her mind, but it's ebbing away with each moment she spends hanging on the explanations stormy offers.

and then, a chuckle hits her ears before a vital piece of information has her snapping into focus.

devon co. no, it couldn't be. could it? the slight widening of her eyes gives the recognition away and she knows she should listen to everything before speaking her mind but she can't focus now. too many thoughts swim in her head, too fast for her to shove away. she wants to offer words of encouragement, words of understanding, words of advice even. but she can't, not right now. her mind is sluggish enough to not understand the weight of what she says next, the implications she's adding to her name. "wait," comes blurting out and she feels the beginnings of mild fear rising like bile in her throat. will this entire moment between them fade with her next choice of words? will she ruin this? "you're talking about the head of devon co?" it clicks into place and she's avoiding stormy's eyes now. "i, um, met him the other day."

again, it sounds like betrayal and she's choking on her words.

"anyway, not important," she scrambles to cover it up, to draw attention away from the piece of information. the feelings that it brings still linger, however, and she's caught in a mess of emotions. torn between him and her, mind and heart at war. "you grew up with him? did you always feel something for him or did it come later?" illeana feels slightly uncomfortable asking questions now, as if the conversation has grown suffocating in some way she doesn't understand. she shifts beneath stormy. the grass swallows her up a bit more and her hands have begun to display a familiar tremble.

their fingers are still intertwined, still clutching for safety and comfort. and yet, the concept that she's ruining something has her grip tightening. if she doesn't scramble to keep the contact, keep the love, it could slip through her fingers. she can't lose this, can't lose stormy. her mind races and she tries to return to the lazy circles drawn into skin but her hand is a little too quick now, a little too panicked.

and then, stormy's hand settles over their joined fingers and she's letting out a shaky breath. the comfort in her fingertips is grounding, relaxing even, and illeana is greedily absorbing what stormy offers. slowly she sinks back into a sense of calmness enough to offer pieces of advice, her grip loosening to no longer be suffocating. "it's okay to be scared of getting hurt again," she whispers. her eyes drift back to find stormy's as if searching for something. "but you can end up depriving yourself of the love you're looking for in the process. i don't think you necessarily fucked up, stormy. i -- i think you are still trying to process and heal from what has happened between you two and that's understandable. you have every right to heal the way you need to." a soft sigh escapes her before she continues, eyes slowly fluttering shut. "letting people in can be terrifying. we have no way of knowing what their intentions are or if they're going to stay so i believe we try to shield ourselves from potential heartbreak by shutting them out. it's human to be afraid but sometimes, the people who love you are worth lowering the walls for."

[attr="class","kheader"]

[attr="class","kthread"][attr="class","league"]

All of a sudden it feels like the world comes to a slight stop, like the train had hit the brakes for just a moment, just enough that it cast her forward in a dramatic lurch, and now they drive forward with caution. Illeana's fingers have stopped massaging her back and she looks away from her now, admitting that she had met Alex. Stormy searches for the woman's gaze, worry creasing her brow at Illeana's sudden change in expression.[break][break]

"You did? You've met Alexander?"[break][break]

But Illeana is fumbling to move on past this and Stormy blinks in surprise, but only slightly. Alex was a well-known person in Hoenn and he likely met people every day, it was just who he was. It wasn't out of the ordinary.[break][break]

There's a pit in her stomach, however, at the way Illeana tears her gaze away, how she expresses some degree of guilt. Like she's hiding something, or unwilling to admit more. Stormy doesn't pry because it isn't in her nature to - Illeana's affairs with the man are none of her business. It is just a great shock to see Illeana's composure change at the mention of him.[break][break]

"It was always there, I just didn't come to terms with it until I'd moved to Hoenn."[break][break]

Stormy feels the woman shift beneath her and she opts to move away, suddenly worried she were crushing her or making her uncomfortable. She almost moves to pull her hands away, to break their connection and give her some space because it appears as though she needs it, but Illeana's grip on her hands tighten and Stormy readjusts, maintains their intertwined connection. [break][break]

As quickly as Illeana's panic rises, it subsides and Stormy's own wildly beating heart slows. She shifts her weight, gazing upon Illeana's face with worried curiosity, but sits quiet while she offers more advice, more kindness.[break][break]

"I just wish that love wasn't so complicated and difficult to navigate. I've been lost and I kept feeling like what we had was right. I felt safe and happy at his side, and without him I felt lost and uncertain again."[break][break]

But it's the last part that Illeana says that she holds onto the most.[break][break]

'But sometimes, the people who love you are worth lowering the walls for.'[break][break]

Stormy sighs heavily, brushing her thumb over the woman's hand as she considers those words, really absorbs them. She swallows.[break][break]

"I miss him."

[break][break][break]

[attr="class","illieicon"]

[attr="class","illie b"]actions and consequences are set into motion beneath admittance, beneath avoidance. she's aware of what she's doing, aware of how it can backfire. and yet, she's desperately trying to keep her eyes away from the searching. the prickling of the skin at her cheek gives inklings to the sensation of stormy's eyes on her. they don't bring her back in as they should, however, and she's staring at the tree line beyond. her lips part and rejoin repeatedly, words coming and then failing to push past the barrier.

"i did," she whispers, then, and she's trying in vain to not give more details. they slip out anyway, guilty and heavy in the air. "he helped me save a beached wailord and --" she stops, uncertain. a deer in the headlights has become illeana reyes, her body pressed as close to the ground as it could be. will the ground swallow her up if she presses further? would that be better than admitting she went on a date with her friend's ex? yes, yes it would be. "he showed me rustboro."

the scientist chooses to stay silent, then. somehow, she had expected more of a reaction than she had been given. and perhaps, looking back on this moment, she would say she had been lulled into a false sense of comfort over such a calm reaction. stormy isn't prying, isn't questioning her or pressing her for details. she wants to give them, wants to spill her guts out for crimson to shimmer beneath the glow of the moon. but... how can she? this moment could be fleeting, that much she has come to understand by now, and she's clinging to it with all the pent of desperation she has. years of solitude, of loneliness, have slowly begun to ease away from just stormy's touch. if she ruins this, ruins her, she simply wouldn't be able to forgive herself.

warmth fades and with it, her heartbeat quickens. panic rises again and she can feel it clawing in her throat. a sense of desperation follows and she's clinging to their intertwined hands with a sudden need she has never known. stay, her touch screams. please don't leave me. it echoes in her mind and fades as stormy begins speaking again. slowly subsiding, panic is overcome the second time. her voice is softer now, however, and there's something hidden between the spaces of words that she can't comprehend. is it jealousy? no, not yet. "i see. feelings like that are usually very strong."

her advice is met with silence at first, a quiet that feels both comfortable and unsettling. her eyes find their way back to gaze at stormy, to see the gears churning in her mind. there's weight to the concept that she offers, one that illeana herself doesn't even fully understand. she's not experienced in this sort of field. any love she's had has either left or been destroyed and the love that others have experienced with family has resulted in scars and irreparable damages. perhaps she's speaking from books, lifting explanations from pages to offer comfort. or, she's blindly stumbling through this with the faith that she'll somehow be the comfort that stormy will come back to.

"i suppose," she pauses to find the right words. "it's so difficult because it'll be worth it in the end. when you find your person, your love, everything that has lead you up to that moment will be worth the love and happiness." or, so she hopes. perhaps, in the end, love isn't destined for some people. it's a thought that keeps her up at night sometimes, nestling itself in between spaces of a nightmare and an existential crisis. the notion keeps her quiet now, concepts swirling in her mind with increasing feelings of wonder. is stormy destined to keep this love? is she destined to find another? ...is illeana destined to break those chances?

the woman is brought back once more from the touch, from the brushes of warmth against her skin. a sigh of her own leaves her in a soft exhale to mingle in with stormy's. she offers a soft squeeze of their hands, the other hand returning to brush away another stray strand of her friend's hair from the side of her face. it lingers for a moment too long, hovering too close to be fully considered friendly. "i know," she whispers. and as she says the next words, something feels like it's gearing up to break. whether it's the moment or her heart, she doesn't know. "he could miss you too."

[attr="class","kheader"]

[attr="class","kthread"][attr="class","league"]

Dread wells in the pit of her stomach at Illeana's avoidance. Her eyes no longer linger on hers, her face is pale and worried, she can see the panic settling in her face. She feels it in how tightly her friend holds onto her hands, how desperate she is to ground herself. And she's coming to put the pieces together, at least some of them. She had met Alex, and something had happened between them, something that was making her anxious and afraid of Stormy, in some way. [break][break]

And that breaks her heart.[break][break]

When she finally speaks she confirms her suspicions and Stormy swallows the lump in her throat because she knows she has to. This isn't Illeana's fault, this isn't anyone's. It merely confirms what she had already worried about, that there was a chance Alex wanted to move on.[break][break]

Stormy's gaze falls as she thinks about this, but she continues to rub her thumb over the woman's fingers absently, perhaps a little fervently, as she struggles to put her thoughts together, to form an intelligent sentence. But instead nothing comes out and she sits in silence.[break][break]

Every word Illeana says following this would be met with the quiet breath of Stormy's swirling emotion and expression, her fingers squeezing tightly to let her know that she's still listening, that she isn't leaving.[break][break]

Eventually, she looks up to study her friends face as she offers more advice, more heartfelt words. She feels the woman tuck a loose strand of her hair behind her ear and she manages a smile. Illeana's closeness is a comfort and she attaches herself to it because she doesn't know what else to do. So she finds herself reaching, leaning, pulling Illeana closer and into a tight hug. Her cheek presses firmly against hers as her fingers cling desperately to her warmth.[break][break]

"It's okay, Illie."

[break][break][break]

[attr="class","illieicon"]

[attr="class","illie b"]there used to be no space between them at the beginning. this moment started with closeness, with intimacy, and now it's grown into something she no longer recognizes. walls and barriers separate them, feelings drawing lines in sand that shouldn't be crossed. she had no problem ignoring the lines of friendship before, letting them become blurry things until they didn't matter. and now, they matter. they matter too much and it's beneath the suffocating realization that something is going to break that she lies.

the grass tickles her skin, a faint yet grounding motion. stormy's weight, too, is grounding. her presence, her touch, her comfort. she's scrambling to stay connected in the face of unspoken feelings, of swirling thoughts and emotions too muddled for her to dissect. it's an odd feeling, really, to be so put together yet so broken. she has never felt torn before, never had options laid out at her feet. it's always been one thing, one calling, one fate. and now, there's so many different paths to take. one leads to the ruins of friendship and the other leads to heartbreak. how does one choose? how does one maintain themselves in the face of such a thing?

she values too much and yet, not enough.

implications linger in the silence between them, in the quiet air around stormy. it feels like the calm before a hurricane. pressure looms and builds and perhaps soon, it will break. this, like all things, will crumble. it's inevitable and she's never been one to fight the inevitable but she wants to. oh god, she wants to keep this moment going forever. to exist with stormy where nothing bad can destroy them, to stay whole and connected with someone she loves. it's a foolish hope but she's a foolish girl.

"i'm sorry," she blurts out.

her own tears well up, whether they're brought upon her by something snapping in her mind or the hazy claws of alcohol still clinging to her mind. they build and fall with the drop of a hat and she's sniffling. it's like something is weighing on her, something is dragging her down into depths she has known all too well. failure comes in many shapes and forms and most she is accustomed to but this? this is one failure she has never known.

silence continues. it's suffocating and she's squirming now as if trying to run away will make this better. it won't and she's nothing more than a scared girl with the consequences of her actions threatening to crush her. stormy is persistent in her quest for comfort, however, and it doesn't go unnoticed. in fact, it stills illeana once more. she's limp against the grass, hesitant and afraid. too afraid to return the contact at first, too nervous to bring herself to draw closer.

and then, it's like a dam breaks. there's cracks at first, small bouts of water trickling through. something shifts, crackles, and falls apart with the force of rushing water.

the realization that she's ruining everything brings about a sob. it's soft at first, muffled like it doesn't want to be given any life. and then more come until she's withdrawing into herself. "it's not okay." her voice is breaking away, struggling to even come out. her bottom lip wobbles, a whimper clawing its way out of her throat. she didn't want this to happen, didn't want to break apart.

isn't that the funny thing about it, though? despite trying your hardest to keep yourself together and in one piece, something always breaks.

she's been here before. not in this exact position but it's familiar all the same. nights spent curling into herself, silent tears streaming because it's too difficult to stay whole, to stay composed. and yet, right now in this very moment, stormy is here and holding her close as if her arms can stitch the pieces back together. that thought alone brings her arms up and snaking around the woman's waist, drawing her closer. an anchor against things she can't change, things she can't possibly know. perhaps that's why she finds herself bringing down walls standing tall for too many years. glimpses given into the conundrum that is illeana reyes, a peek into what lies beyond the woman stormy knows.

"i, um," she attempts. her voice sounds watery, wobbly, scared. she hates it. "i'm sorry, i didn't mean to." it's a start and she's glancing away, eyes squeezing shut in an attempt to stop more tears. "it's just -- god. i don't know to explain it, really. i'm not used to people being interested in me, i guess, and he was interested and kind and i didn't know."

she stops to gather herself, to prepare herself for bringing skeletons out of the closet.

"i've always been used to being a failure and the punishment that comes from that," she whispers. "and when someone doesn't look at me like a failure, it's hard to not fall for that."

[attr="class","kheader"]

[attr="class","kthread"][attr="class","league"]

It's Illeana's silence that truly opens her eyes, lets her see just how selfish and self-absorbed she had been. Here she was, had been, is, pouring all of her worries, complaints, fears, rage out on Illeana. She hasn't been thinking of the pain, the weight, the enormity of it. And now she's seeing it reflected back at her, she's watching in slow motion as her best friend, someone she cares deeply for, is at a loss for words and thoughts because she's been suffering this whole time.[break][break]

This woman suddenly feels like she's turned to sand and Stormy is helpless to keep her physical form intact, like she's grasping at straws. Their mutual silence is temporarily put on pause when Illeana blurts an apology and Stormy feels a wave of panic, relief, pain. Tears slide down her friends cheeks and she can see the fear in her eyes, the guilt, the desperation to tell her something.[break][break]

"Talk to me, Illie. Please."[break][break]

Her voice comes out as a stressed whisper, her own voice breaking under the pressure of Illeana's torment. Her red eyes swim with unreleased tears and she searches Illie's face desperately, squeezing her hands in an attempt to keep her grounded, keep her safe.[break][break]

But then she's reaching forward with one hand, abnormally warm in her desperate attempt to comfort, to soothe. Her thumb catches the woman's cheek as she wipes away tears. She caresses her cheek, stroking her cheekbone as she tries to brush away the sad. Except Illeana is squirming in front of her and Stormy is feeling further and further away and it scares her.[break][break]

Her hand retreats when she begins to cry harder, when her voice chokes out a thick, distressed denial. Stormy shakes her head, holding back her own tears for fear if she started she might not stop, and someone had to be strong. Stormy could be strong for the two of them.[break][break]

Fortunately, and much to Stormy's relief, her arms curl around her and pull her out of her attempt to withdraw. She squeezes her tight, so tight, desperate to cling to her love, desperate to show to her just how important she is. Stormy's warmth radiates impossibly loud as a result of her heightened emotions, but she's keeping a handle on it - she has to. She can't let it get out of hand.[break][break]

Illeana begins to speak but Stormy doesn't dare let go of her, doesn't loosen her grip. She merely scoots closer, lifting her head and peppering the woman's hair and cheek with fierce kisses because she can feel her falling apart in her arms. She's hearing what she's saying and she now knows that this isn't really about Alexander. Not entirely.[break][break]

"Of course you didn't know, Illie. It's okay, it's okay. There's nothing wrong, you could never do wrong. I love you, today, tomorrow, always."[break][break]

Eventually, Stormy peels herself away to use both hands, brushing damp hair and tears from Illeana's face. She's wearing a serious expression, displaying how concerned she is and how deeply she cares.[break][break]

"You deserve everything good in the world, Illie. Everything. You are not a failure, not to me, you never will be."[break][break]

And then she pulls her close to plant a lingering kiss on her forehead.

[break][break][break]

[attr="class","illieicon"]

[attr="class","illie b"]talk to me, illie. please. it sounds so simple, really. talk, let it all out, don't hold it in. she doesn't know how, though, and it's so much to handle. what if she shines light on the skeletons in her closet, gives them life again, and stormy leaves? realistically, it's a fear that doesn't have any soundness to it but it terrifies her all the same.

she doesn't want to be alone, doesn't want to lose her lifeline, doesn't want to lose her. is it selfish? yes. does she care? no.

stormy squeezes her hands, bringing her back into this moment. unshed tears swim in her own eyes and as illeana gasps, struggling to calm down and breathe, it dawns on her that this place is safe. stormy is safe, comforting, loving. she can trust her. she can spill her guts out until the ground is dyed crimson and stormy won't judge her. this revelation makes her sharply inhale, only to release the breath a moment later. it comes out shaky, much like her hands, but she's trying to compose herself.

the woman stills against stormy's hand, her thumb brushing against her cheek. it feels hot, almost too hot to be considered normal, but she doesn't notice. no, her pulse is racing, her mind scrambled. she leans into the touch, watery eyes squeezing shut. a few more tears escape with a sob.

"i," she tries and stops. nothing comes out right away, words choked down like bile. they try to claw out of her throat, try to escape into the air with the promise of life at their fingertips. she won't allow it. not yet.

and then, she's crushed against stormy's body with the tightness of desperation. it's something she faintly recognizes, something she had done earlier when they first stumbled upon each other. it brings with it that same warmth from earlier along with something new, something too hot to grasp. she melts into the embrace without much of a struggle. kisses follow and she's melting further, sobs slowly releasing their hold over her until she's nothing more than a warm, slightly snotty mess of tears and pain.

words of reassurance hit her ears and she's opening her mouth to speak but nothing comes yet again. it takes a few tries before she finds her voice. "it feels like i'm betraying you, though," she whispers and with the sentence comes the crushing reality of the situation. in a way, she is betraying stormy. she's going on dates with her best friend's ex. doesn't that go against all sorts of girl code? her body trembles at the thought, barely held together by stormy's love. "i love you too but, god, how are you not mad at me?" another whimper follows, closely backed up by fresh tears. how does she deserve all of this love and affection when she's ruining stormy's chances?

she's ruining her happiness and it's too painful to voice.

warmth fades slightly as stormy peels away. the space between them isn't suffocating, however. instead it comes with the familiar feeling of comfort and concerned hands. damp hair is peeled away from her face, tears swiped away with affectionate fingers. she tries to hold back the whimper, the soft sob barely escaping in a puff of air. "you might be the only one who thinks that," she half laughs, half sobs. failure has followed her for too long for her to believe any differently. her eyes slowly open to glance toward her arms, toward the scars concealed by tight fabric. "i -- i have failure written all over my body. i couldn't live up to my parents expectations." a brief pause follows before she's breaking down further. "i couldn't make them proud and they didn't like that. they -- they did awful things to make sure i knew the repercussions of not being good enough."

her cheeks heat up at the lingering kiss, her head subconsciously pressing closer to hot lips. it's warm and loving and she doesn't deserve any of this. she doesn't deserve stormy, not in the slightest, but god she's so thankful in this moment just to have her close.

"i'm sure you saw the marks earlier," she whispers, then, and her eyes retreat toward the tree line for the umpteenth time tonight. venom drips over the work marks, as if it's the most revolting thing on this earth. and in some way, it is. the memories they hold, the weight of their history... it's disgusting. her parents are disgusting. and yet, she still wants to make them proud, wants to be someone they'd be happy to call their daughter. it's a foolish thing, really, but it's all she knows. "that's what failure entails."