sam's blind to see how you can be, blue. blind 'cause he's so dazzling. blind 'cause he doesn't know what he's looking for. but that's not right, is it? sam's seen him. really seen him. looked into all his nooks and crannies where the shadows hide and - 

no. he hasn't seen the monster. 

knox drops his hands out of the air, one of which slaps summer accidentally. he says, "oh, not a swamp monster. you're dating the fucking babadook. makes sense."

he blinks. "were we going somewhere?"

Summer Atreides

☉

summer prescott is never alone. she doesn't feel loneliness. that's why she's always sneered and snickered and hated knox for needing to surround himself with people, with bodies, with whatever the fuck he can get his hands on to shove away his own empty heart. 

except, maybe that's not it. maybe he really doesn't know his sister. 

her hands flail and hit him and he sits up looking annoyed, but he recognizes a panic attack because he's seen it on sam's face before. before he can consciously tell his hands to move and his lips to form words (because that's getting really hard right now and everything feels fuzzy and he's thinking of flowers), she gets it together.

"everywhere to be," he says. he checks moro's feed, is reminded of where he'd wanted to go, and then holds the phone in front of summer's face. 

go-go dancers in floral-print bodysuits dance to electronica. a pink haze floats above the crowd and moro's head is sometimes visible in the shot, but mostly she's fucked up and thrashing and letting her audience know where she is. 

"lotus. let's dance all night. stop this wallowing shit. fuck, red, we're alive."

Summer Atreides

☉

drinks. everything. he gets drinks for summer. he tosses a shot back, but that's not really his poison. that's not what he wants. and with what's left of her money and left of his score - and there's more, but he doesn't remember that, just that he's counting bills and trying to do math in his head. moro is there and she's saying i'm glad you're not fuckin' dead, asshole, as she's handing him powder and he's thinking is summer going to kill me? 

even though the bruises on his face still linger and it's really his father who's after him. but his dad's a million and one (just 5) miles away and sam's so much closer (so much farther) and oh, shouldn't he text sam?

but he's dancing and there are bodies around him and his phone's nearly - no, it's dead. 

he tries to take a selfie with summer and realizes it's dead. and then he's in front of a mirror, in the bathroom, drawing it out, confused - when did it die? 

someone's kind enough to give him a charger - or he nicks it - and he ends up abandoning it anyway because moro's in the bathroom again asking if he wants to sample a line. 

yes, please. 

summer dancing and laughing and everything is right in the world. lotus dancers leave their cages and a pretty boy sidles up to knox and touches the faded colors in his hair, and says, 'we almost match,' and knox laughs and touches the bright blue color of the other boy's, watches coy lips tug up. 

and knox thinks, this is so easy, and sighs, and then remembers, but it's several minutes later when he's back in himself and the boy is kissing his neck and he's throwing up his hands, saying, "wait, wait, wait. sam." 

but sam's not here. his phone. where's his phone? 

summer. he finds her doing body shots and he's spinning, smelling colors and breathing sounds and he's trying to say, "i'm tripping my balls off, sums," but is he saying it? is she listening? can she hear him?

can anyone hear him?

Summer Atreides

☉

the club's yelling her name. of course it is. and he joins in, momentarily, knowing that his voice will sound much the same as everyone else's. he's looking (up) at her and he's thinking how the fuck does she do it? because his world is always ending and hers is always burning beginning. she is the queen to his peasant. that's the way it's always been.

kid knox getting pushed around by his big sister 'cause she's jealous that he gets to fuck up as much as he wants, but her? 

he wipes his nose. blood trickles down it. numb. he licks his lips, wanting more. wanting to drown himself, but he can't remember how many or how much he's taken. 

he checks his phone. wait, isn't it dead? no, there's thirteen percent battery. more texts from sam. he smiles dumbly, opens a notepad, checks the list. thinks he'll hold off on finding maro for now. 

"no falling," he says and shoves his weight against her just to balance them out. "chrissur heavy." or maybe he's just too light. his ribs would agree. 

he shakes his head. "dance all night. thas what we said. into t'morrow. so ya don't gotta kill me. keep it goin' forever, y'know?"

Summer Atreides

☉

he's still standing because liquor isn't his poison. because his veins are ice and they're pushing the heat out of his nose, until it's dribbling on his lips and he tastes salt and iron. he licks the blood away, swipes it with his arm. it's his body saying stop. no more. but he's too far away and he's too high up to see it. 

if they were outside, he could touch the moon.

his sister snatches a drink out of a poor bloke's hands, but they're tripping and stumbling through the crowd before he can find them. he's holding her up and he feels like atlas and she's bumbling things. the lights wash over them and then they're gone, stumbling out the side of the building and into the waiting arms of a fire escape.

no alarm triggers. figures. thing's been busted for years. this isn't the first time they've found their escape up here. 

"fuck off, summer. i'm taking us up," he says, words red and blue and mottled purple. why is he being so mean? his other hand tenses and pain blossoms and he looks down, thinking when did i pick that up? 

hauling her to the top, keeping her away from the edge of the building, he looks at her and he sees their father. he waves the shard of glass in front of her. 

"don't have to put up with him anymore, sums. fuck." he frowns. "y'know, sometimes i wish you hadn't found me." with paint and blood all over the floor and a dozen and one empty pill bottles scattered around him.

"be easier, right? then you wouldn't have to kill me. no blood on your hands." he shows his own. "jus' mine."

Summer Atreides

☉

'cause that's what's inside me, red. and it's inside you too. because he hadn't known. he hadn't fucking known about the kids in the truck. hadn't known what they'd been moving, what his piece of shit father was making them do. yeah, they were bad people, and his father was shit, but the rose-tinted lenses hid the evil.

but did she know? he thought to himself, for a long time, that surely she must. at his side with an unshakeable sense of duty, with morals kept locked tight, surely she must. 

still, he hadn't said it. not when she was by his bedside, a machine reminding them every so often that he'd failed, that he lived - not when she asked him. why why why? why did you do it? 

he'd been so uncharacteristically quiet. 

he threatens to tell her now, all these moons later, knowing she won't remember. but his heart aches and he's angry at himself, not her, and the glass feels good in his palm. 

"selfish," he says, harking a laugh. "yeah, that's me. selfish fucking blackhole. eden knows. fucking eden knows. and sam. gonna do the same shit t'him i did with ollie." he sours. 

she goes for the glass in his hand and he lets her take it, but she's clumsy. and he's not. he grabs her wrist, slicking her side with blood, and with her shoulder pinned with his good hand, he bares his neck, forces her hand against him. 

he looks down at her, eyes blue-white as ice, says, "'s not selfish, is it? if i save you. if i save him." tears well up as he tightens his grip. i don't want to die, sam. i don't want to go.

Summer Atreides

☉