The Robust
He/Him/His
Twenty-Eight
October 30th
Bevaridge Town
Biomesexual
Pokemon Educator/Vlogger/Biome Enthusiast
Avatar/Gym Leader/Elite Ranger
See ya later, Feraligatr!
lilycove cutie contest [bc]
POSTED ON Jul 12, 2021 11:05:30 GMT
"What makes something 'cute'?" Zac asked, his voice filling the contest hall like a golden retriever in a bed that was too small for it. "For millennia we have looked to our hearts for the answer."A pale pink spotlight turned on high above, illuminating a pedestal set in the center of the stage. On the top sat a single Pokeball. Waiting patiently. "But no longer! For hearts are unnecessary, when we have the truthful yet delicate sword of science that can deftly strike right at the core of cuteness!" A second, bright pink spotlight flicked on, this one pointed at a whiteboard that Zac had wheeled in earlier. On it were four dot points, written in flowing yet, legible script.- Head to body ratio
- Eye size
- Huggability
- Practicality
"In my extensive studies in the field of Cuteology, I have come across an universal truth: that the cuteness of any creature is based upon its combined score in these four areas." He pointed to the four points in turn."Humans feel attachment to babies. It's an evolutionary response to keep our young safe. Baby humans are cute, baby Pokemon are cute, hell you could anthropomorphize a hammer and with the right tweaking people would be calling it the cutest little hammer in the shed!""But why do we think babies are cute? Easy. Head-to-body ratio." Using a kitten-shaped laser pointer Zac indicated the first point on the board. "Big head equals baby. That's how we know something isn't yet developed and requires our care and attention." Zac moved on to the second point. "Big eyes are the second giveaway that something is still a baby. Eyes don't grow as we age, but the skull does, reaching correct proportions after several years! Big eyes equals baby, baby equals cute. These two factors compose the mental/evolutionary component of visual based cuteness.""Next we have something more straightforward: huggability." Zac pulled out a plush Toxel, setting it on a second pedestal that he had also prepared earlier. "Isn't it 'cute'?" Zac asked. He give the audience a moment to nod and softly espouse the general cuteness of the baby Pokedoll. Zac motioned towards the Pokedoll, and it erupted in poisonous spikes. Someone in the crowd screamed."Many a time," Zac said, pushing on through the shocked murmurings of the audience, "I've found myself entranced by an adorable Pokemon, only to find that hugging it just wasn't practical! A spiky Togedemaru, a Magby with their burning spit. It's a letdown! It sucks! If I find something cute but I can't hug it, it's fundamentally unfulfilling."
"This links in with my final points," Zac said, moving on to the 'Practicality' dot point. "If it's cute, and safe to hug...is it good? I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about." Several people in the audience nodded. "Solid rock. Slimy outer skin. A hard exoskeleton. Some Pokemon aren't made for hugging, and it can make the event unenjoyable, painful, or just plain messy."
"So now we know what we're looking for, and I'm sure you have some ideas for what meets these criteria. So what's the cutest Pokemon?"
"Huntail is an obvious choice, with its huge eyes and great HtB ratio. But it's too wet! It's like hugging a four foot long, soaped up pool noodle. And those fangs make the prospect more eviscerating than exciting!"
"Onix I hear you say? Well that large head and eyes make it approachable, but even I can't wrap my arms around it! Not to mention the rocky body can be dangerous when you're trying to get a good cuddle going."
"Must huggable Pokemon? Ditto! It's pliable, shapeable, and offers the perfect amount of resistance. But it's got no clearly defined head! And its eyes are tiny!"
"What about Arcanine? It's fluffy and huggable, but its head is average sized at best. A great hugger, but not the level of cuteness we're looking for.
No. We need something that was almost designed for affection. Something that's human sized, with a massive HtB ratio, and HUGE eyes. And that leaves only one option."Zac reached over and touched the Pokeball that had been waiting on the pedestal. "The cutest Pokemon is...."Claydol
 "It's Head to Body ratio is unparalleled, and its number of eyes is far higher than average. The dispersion of eyes around its head also makes it cute from any approach vector!
You would think that its large head would hamper huggability, but it doesn't! At under 5 feet, it's a great size for a cuddle. Its thin neck allows for a complete reach.
It's genderless, and built from clay, meaning its got just enough give. It's not squishy, and it isn't rock hard either. Of the dozens of materials I tested, clay was by far the closest to flesh in terms of resistance and density.
In conclusion, Claydol scores highly in all four of the judged criteria, with a final scores scientifically proving that it is the cutest of all Pokemon. Thank you." |
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