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[attr="class","oznimain"]It’d taken a lot of money to get him down here. Something blah-blah about civilian safety and unnecessary risks. But there was zero way he wasn’t poking around down here. The televised broadcasts just made him hungrier to see it. So, after signing 15 or 20 CYA forms, he’d been assigned a guardian. A twitchy, older ranger who walked with a thrift-store cane. Net t him, a Kangashkan walked, the baby in its pouch conspicuously absent.

Flitting around their heads, Oz’s Porygon-Z and Comfey made themselves known. The former held a high-end video camera. The latter constantly darted behind the blue-red anomaly, begging for adjustments in a high-pitched voice, As they descended, Ozni found himself constantly distracted by glimmering crystal. “Dude! That one looks like an Aerodactyl!” The CEO called out in excitement—a finger jabbed toward a mound of crystal. “Mhm.” His guide murmured as his charge paused for a selfie.

The cane’s tap tap continued forward.

And, because that first picture sucked, Oz took a moment for twenty more retakes. When he looked up, the ranger was out of site. “Ah, shoot.” The brief moment of fear ended with a shrug. How many different ways could there be? It’d be easy to catch up to the guy. Just a left turn there and a right one here and they’d get a huge reunion sketch.

Heck, they’d probably meet up right about—well, that wasn’t good. A glowing, silver kaiju stared at them. Green liquid streamed through its numerous panels. “Now, now, take it—” The Hyper Beam slammed into the wall right beside his head. A quick glance at Princess Lei and they were racing down a tunnel like hell itself was on its tail.

clTPUf3V

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[attr="class","oznimain"]These flexicuffs hurt. That same thought circled back time and time again. It was just made worse by Oz’s repeated attempts to dislocate his thumb and slip out. Those escape artists made it look easy. But all he’d managed to do was rub his wrists raw. At this point, his trussed-up legs were nothing but tingly bricks. Each toe wiggle shot strange feelings up his lower half. “Mmnngh.”

He’d been patted down and deprived of his phone and his Pokemon. So, he didn’t even have a way to entertain himself. And, whoever built this place didn’t even spring for a flat screen. With a sigh, Oz let his head fall back against the post he was chained to. “They could at least take me for a walk or something.” Sure, Neon had bruised his face all up, but he hadn’t just thrown him in a hole. Just sitting here doing nothing? That was the real torture.

“Ugh.” It felt like he’d been here for days—a fact his smartwatch wasn’t around to refute. It’d been four hours. His melodramatic sigh was cut off as something made a noise outside. Somebody screamed. Looks like someone sent the cavalry.

“Hey!” The CEO put that big mouth of his to work. His thrashing began anew as shadows fell across the tent's tarp. As the shouting increased in volume, an ember fell on the back corner of the canvas. Immediately, it began to smolder. “Let me out of here!”

LorfU0jo

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[attr="class","oznimain"]When Izumi disappeared from view, Ozni relaxed in his chair. Long legs stretched forward, jutting out the opposite side of the table. Sure, he was all about putting on fake faces, but it was weird when somebody was your sister. As a guy who was never at a loss for what to say, this feeling was weird. “Sooooo….” The CEO started, his voice full of mischief. The Gholdengo grinned back, his teeth gleaming in the LEDs. “She totally has my nose.”

The ghost made a gesture best described as teasing. Large, blocky fingers drew up the creature’s golden exterior. “Yeah, yeah.” Ozni waved irritably as he pushed back against his chair. Its two spindly front legs are lifted. "She looks like a ghost.” So absorbed was he in the little placemat advertisements that he missed the chaos going on outside. Not that he’d have made the situation any better. He’d have just thrown another Pokemon into the mix.

The whoosh of the back door brought Ozni back to the present. His chair came back to the tiles with a clatter. The little triangular-shaped, advertising thingy was placed back by the ketchup. The little book is ignored in favor of the shake. With a noisy sucking sound, he inhales the drink. The cold—and the booze—wash over him like a Candyland fountain. “Ahhhh…” He tipped an invisible hat to her. “Compliments to the chef, Mamacita.”

Blowing irritable bubbles in his, Chippendale took a while to take a sip. But he forgot the drink entirely as the book flipped open. He’d never seen Adebayo Senior. The apple didn’t even fall from the tree. It just got chocolate dipped.

“Yeah. Guy has weasel written all over him.” Oz drew his fingers down one plastic page. His lips pursed as he looked at the old man’s smile. Had he ever looked that happy with Mom? “And look at that stupid grin!” The damned glee reached his eyes in this one! “I pull it off waaaaay better.” The CEO’s wink drew attention to his identical set of baby blues.

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[attr="class","oznimain"]“Yeah.” Ozni sighed wearily. A melodramatic hand swept up across his chest. “You plebs don’t know how good you have it.” Being able to walk around without someone making a headline about it? Not being accused of making a political statement every time you wore a graphic t-shirt? That was the kind of stuff he heard other bigwigs whine about. Honestly? A life like that sounded boring as hell.

“Hah!” The idea of people getting along made him laugh. “You really are just a kid, huh?” Absalom here sounded like one of those vapid Miss Unova contestants—all sugar plum dreams. It was weird when he juxtaposed him against the stuff he’d been sprouting. A Poindexter with optimism, color him surprised. “But I don’t think selfishness is the problem.” Heck, it was what made the world go round! People wanted to be warm, so they hoarded heat in their homes. One of them wanted to go down in history, so they figured out how to fly.

True, unadulterated altruism? It didn’t exist. Sure, people claimed it was kindness driving them, but it wasn’t. Even charity was just selfishness’s alter ego. At the talk of sideburns, Ozni just smiled. “Some people deserve to be made fun of.” It stopped stupid bullshit from getting out of hand. And, if anyone asked, it was just a joke.

Though sometimes a Mean Girl, Oz didn’t see a point in pressuring Poindexter to drink. DARE told him drugs weren’t cool. “More booze for me then.” Not that he drank much anymore. What use was liquid courage when you weren’t scared of making an ass out of yourself? With an excited noise, the CEO took the phone.

His head tilted as he tried to make sense of the Chesnaught. Where were its ears? What did all those spikes do? “What a weird dude.” It didn’t strike him as a badass, but it was definitely better than Sir Roly-Poly from earlier. At the question of the environment, the CEO shrugged. “We have a bunch of gods running around high on god’s supply.” Time, space, and courage all fighting over this little chunk of paradise.

When the Dodrio collapses, Oz relaxes. He goes so far as to stick his nose out at it, stiffening as one of its heads shifts in its sleep. A polite golfer’s clap erupts as Absalom catches the toupee thing. “Bravo! Bravissimo!” He whispers at a shout. Up went a brow.

That thing wasn't something he'd want to remind people of. “Oh?Your dad into bad toupees?”

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[attr="class","oznimain"]When she sat down, Ozni was quick to point to the seatbelt. While he didn’t mind bending the rules, there was no screwing with physics. Even though he’d just left the car, the CEO took a moment to check his mirrors. A few minute adjustments of the seat settled him into position. “I know you girls get catty.” He lifts a hand for emphasis, forming the fingers into claws. “I’m glad no one in my line of work has to shake anything—” The idea of seeing his dad in his underthings is enough to churn Ozni’s stomach.

“Blue sounds pretty cool too.” It matched his eyes. At the talk of hair dye, Ozni lifted a hand to his hair. “I tried rocking pink once, but this stuff’s like a black hole.” All he managed to do was dye his scalp a funky color for a week or two. It took a microscope to notice the tiny colorful halo. Surprisingly—considering his bad boy status—the CEO drove like an instructor. He double-checked his mirrors. Blinkers turned on exactly on cue.

It didn’t really fit the car’s sleek, powerful silhouettes.

“We’re best buds!” Ozni agreed with a smile. He kept his eyes on the road, but his mind was on that silly photo. “That Eelektross is my whole world!” Stasia and him had been buds since before he could walk.. His dad’s allergies (and his own) stopped him from getting something cute and fuzzy. But that levitating eel was a perfect fit. His grin is easygoing and teasing. “Uh-oh, Icee! We’ve got an entomophile!” That was cool! He loved bugs.

At the question, Oz grinned. “I’m taking you to The Bella Swanna.” He turned to the right into an old, quiet part of town. Not exactly the kind of place you’d expect a hip, fun-loving CEO. “Place is so exclusive, it takes a time machine to get a reservation.” Luckily, Gramps had invested in this place years ago.

When they pulled up, Sylvia was likely shocked. It looked so normal.

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[attr="class","oznimain"]Ozni grinned as he stretched out on the floor. A juice box shifted between his fingers as he gave it a little sip. But, as quick as he started, the thing was empty. Apparently adults didn’t get to enjoy apple juice. “These guys have to have something good around.” If they bothered with retro stuff—like the DVD player—they probably had something worth watching.

Surprisingly snake-like, Oz slithered his way toward the entertainment center. “No singing. Got it.” A large thumb flashes a thumbs-up as he begins digging through the pile. The humming that followed sounded annoyingly familiar. “My Spotify list’s getting pretty full too.” Acting like he’d just struck the mother lode, the CEO jerks back from the cabinet. The cases he laid out are covered in dust.

At the talk of amnesia, the dark-skinned man rolled over. Lazily, he trails his eyes across the ceiling. “I could always bop you on the head.” That stuff always worked in the movies. Drinking in her admiration, Oz grins. “I come from good stock.” The CEO answers with a wink. The statement that followed made him scoff. “That stuff’s cake. I bet a drunken monkey could do it!” Kids were stupid. Heck, his company’s jingle was conjured up by some maintenance guy.

Waving his arm in a wide arc, Ozni gestured at the movies. “Pick your poison.”

Notes: Unovan Psycho, The Big Lebowski, The Sandlot, Beethoven, Patch Adams

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[attr="class","oznimain"]Man, he felt so much cooler with a clipboard! Sure, he ran a multi-billion dollar corporation in shorts and jogging pants, but the pressed wood made him feel super important. Notably, there wasn’t any paper on the thing. All of his data was being collected on the tablet hanging from his belt.

Still, it didn’t feel like a real study without one!

At his side, a Comfey bobbed. The little fairy type was super social. She was also the one he used for all of his testing to date. Of course, Lei also thought the CEO doing basic bitch product testing was weird. But this product made him excited. It represented years of work, and it might break down the barrier between man and Pokemon. Which, if it worked, was worth seeing firsthand.

“Fey!” The feminine voice piped up behind him. It drew him out of his fantasies of Nobel prizes and standing ovations. ‘Look!’ The device in his pocket chirped a few seconds later. Following the line of flowers, Oz jogged up to his newest victim tester. “Hey! You got a second?” His smile is blinding.

His voice takes on a musical tone. His manicured eyebrows raise above his dark glasses. Like a magician pulling a card, he flashes a little piece of plastic. “There’s an iTunes gift card with your name on it.”

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[attr="class","oznimain"]That noise continued at irregular intervals as Ozni pretended to part out the tree. The dull blade bit into the moist wood as he tugged it back and forth. With a grunt of exertion, he finally pulled it free. A shit-eating grin turned to the camera, “How’s the shot?” The Porygon-Z holding it let its head whirl around in a circle. It made a series of unintelligible beeps. “I thought it looked pretty good.” It shifted irritably from side to side—obviously, it wasn’t impressed.

With a deep breath, the CEO took another swing. This time, the blade dipped past its polished edge. Splinters exploded from the wound as he let it hit. It felt like he’d made some headway! But, this time, it didn’t want to come out. Sweaty hands tugged at the oak handle for purchase. A sandalled foot pressed against the smooth bark for leverage. “Come on, you little brat!” He seethed. "Come to Daddy!"

When Yuina burst through the trees, she’d find herself staring at a six-pack. But that sight was soon interrupted by a high-pitched scream as Oz stumbled backward. “AH!” The axe went with him, its handle thudding against the ground. The blade came to a rest against his feet. His heart pounded a million miles a minute.

Slowly, the world swam back into focus as the imagined horror—some yeti thing—turned into a brunette. Which, according to some people, was scarier. His cheeks reddened as he flicked his gaze to Glitch-626. “You didn’t get that, right?” In response, the normal type just fritzed out.

Waving him off, Ozni approached the ranger. His arms folded across his chest. “Interns usually come in from the other direction.” Normally upbeat, there was a child to his voice. Were the tropics sapping his employee's brain cells?

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[attr="class","oznimain"]Little pixels filled the air between them. A picture chopped into a million little mosaic tiles. A twisted, distorted stream of letters. These things its little beak sucked up like spaghetti. Its golden eyes filled with glee as it started gnawing at the base programming. All the little 1s and 0s of a modern phone. “!?” The Porygon-Z spun away as Oliver whirled around.

His hand missed its amorphous frame, whistling harmlessly through the air.

Frightened by the irritation, the normal type flitted into existence behind Ozni’s left shoulder. Its confusion was apparent. “Bzzzzt?” Its beeping question emerged. It didn’t know what made this funny little man so mad. It tried to catch Oz’s eye as the man’s grin almost blinded the city block. “Well, that’s a stroke of good luck, then!” No harm, no foul. Rangers were a bunch of bleeding hearts, so this shouldn’t be a problem.

“And, legally, this walking glitch isn’t mine. He’s company property.” And, while he was a majority shareholder, he wasn’t the company. Some lobbyists had convinced Unova that corporations were actual people. It made shit like this way easier to deal with. The irritable tone just received another smile in response. “Certainly! I’m always happy to help a fan!” From his hoody pocket, he pulled out a branded business card.

There was something sly in those eyes. “Kind of wondering what you’re so scared of though.” The Porygon darted to Ozni’s other side. It began playing with his hair. “Everyone Rule 34s at work.”

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[attr="class","oznimain"]A video game built by a bunch of psychopaths? Silly simulations that supposedly unlocked the secrets of the universe?

Sign him up! Which is exactly what his assistant did. Now, he was waiting for Scottie (guy’s real name was Sawyer) to beam him up. And, then, he’s rocketing across the landscape on the back of a scaly motorcycle. Hopefully, his partner this time was fun. People took this stuff way too seriously. It was just a game.

Though he didn’t know much about her, the CEO did offer up a trademark Adebayo grin to his partner.

This place was awesome! These plants didn’t even exist anymore! It felt like they’d landed smack dab in Jurassic Park.

Wrapping his legs tightly around the Cyclizar, Ozni turned to face the fiery tsunami. It was obvious he'd never ridden a Pokemon before. He wiggled in his seat like a kindergartner waiting to pee.

“Talk about ‘The Floor Is Lava’!” A whistle tore from his mouth. Immediately, lessons in volcano safety surged to the forefront. Alola knew this stuff pretty well. And, the last thing he wanted to do was trap himself in an underground cave. “Keep going!”

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